Ah, the very first movie in what would become a cinematic legacy of suave guys beating up would-be global despots and getting more ass than all the toilet seats in Tokyo while doing so. Truth be told, I never got into the exploits of Mr. Bond James Bond as a lad. I guess the "macho racist dickbag hero who gets away with treating women like crap while still being loved by everyone" motif didn't sit well with my eagerness to not be an asshole while growing up. Once my personality had finally finished developing and I felt that who I was was no longer in danger of being swayed by imaginary influences like movie characters, I finally gave 007 a shot. To be honest, I didn't so much opt to give the man a shot as I just gave up and had no other choice. My Evil Dead Bride and I were poor ass broke a few years ago and relegated to renting free movies from our local library. Fortunately, someone donated an entire set of the Bond flicks on DVD, so we picked up Thunderball and I finally gave in. Now I'm one of those guys who sits in front of the TV watching Moonraker every time there's a holiday because all SpikeTV shows on long weekends are James Bond marathons. Go figure... whatever that means. What it I want to stay and figure? Meh.
Being the first installment of a legacy, Dr. No is sort of the odd man out when it comes to the exploits of Mr. Bond, which you can see right from the opening credits. Despite the classic "Bond shot from a gun barrel" perspective and the unmistakable jazzy riffs of Monty Norman's 007 theme, the sexy shapely ladies that would later serve as eye candy for the credits are instead an obnoxious '60s style light show of flashing colored circles and patterns that would induce epileptic seizures in people if they went on any longer than they do. Though we do get a few colorful female silhouettes to watch eventually, it's just a group of overly clothed ladies doing a samba and a trio of blind men walking in a line while a calypso version of "Three Blind Mice" beats the viewer's ears into painful submission. Right now my auditory nerves are in such bad shape it feels like a former NFL Hall-of-Famer should be fleeing the scene in a white Ford Bronco. Ouch.
When a British Intelligence outpost in Jamaica suddenly goes silent (because a gang of locals has gunned down their operatives), it may or may not have something to do with some rockets that have gone missing from Cape Canaveral. Double-0 agent James Bond (played by former bodyguard, Sean Connery) is put on the next plane to Jamaica to figure out what the connection is and to squash it under his wingtips... after he bangs some forgettable chick named Trench he picked up at the card tables. No sooner does the debonair secret agent's plane touch down, he's immediately swooped into a brief fight scene. Obviously the news of his arrival was leaked by somebody, but we're still not sure to whom the info is being leaked... or why the same annoying tweeting bird sound effect apparently needs to be played every time there's an outdoors scene.
While on the island, James hooks up with US CIA agent Felix Leiter (and his poofy hair) and Leiter’s homegrown partner Quarrel. It seems that a local Chinese businessman named Dr. No (as played by CANADIAN Joseph Wiseman...) owns a nearby island called Crab Key where there seem to be some strange doin's traspirin'. You know, the usual "people go out there but they never come back, woooooooo, spooky ghost noise" type of stuff. Given that this guy happens to share his name with the title of the movie, you can pretty much figure that he's the big bad behind all the killing and rocket thievery going on. Our hero narrowly evades a killer spider attack (or rather, a super-imposed killer spider attack for each shot of Connery), then survives one of the most unintentionally hilarious car chases in moviedom (complete with hyper-combustible hearse) before banging evil Chinese agent Miss Taro (as played by KENYAN Zena Marshall), killing an uppity geologist and finally heading to Dr. No's supposedly dragon occupied island while Felix makes fun of Quarrel for being a rum soaked Jamaican stereotype... which he pretty much is... but at least he's played by a black guy... an American black guy, but a black guy none the less... not that nationality matters much to Bond, who has no problem telling Quarrel to "fetch" his shoes for him at one point. Yikes.
On the island, James and his terry cloth casual wear run into local conch poacher and Encyclopedia enthusiast Honey Ryder (Mmmmm, Ursula Andress in a bikini), whose marine zoologist father was killed by No. No? Yes… Can James and Honey stop Dr. Canada, his robot hands and his fire-breathing "dragon" tank before his evil plans for nuclear holocaust destroy the world? What does S.P.E.C.T.R.E. stand for? Why does Dr. No make sure that the people trying to foil his plans are given luxury accommodations instead of just setting them on fire like he does the supporting cast? Why do we have to look at Sean Connery's hairy chest time and time again, but Ursula Andress's tits insist on staying just out of sight?! More importantly, whose idea was it to dress the bad guys in pink radiation suits when a nice uniform white or gray would have been just as good? And why do some of these suits look like they're made from the same "couch tarp" material that people put on their furniture? Does this mean that Old Italian women will at least have a nice place for their radiation ravaged corpses to rest on after the bombs fall?!
In the pantheon of James Bond flicks, Dr. No lacks the fun gadgetry of later installments. Then again, some people prefer it when the hero has nothing but a gun, a pair of shoes and his wits to stop the bad guy. Cinematically there's some bad film making going on here that makes certain parts of the movie hard to enjoy. From the terrible opening sequence to the “MST3K” quality bad car chase (it's amazing how the car continues to drive in a straight line while Bond is yanking the steering wheel back and forth…) to the veritable rainbow of radiation suits used by No's employees to the use of non-Chinese (or even remotely mongoloid) actors to portray Chinese characters, there are plenty of arguments to be made for Dr. No being a bad movie, or even a downright awful movie. It's not all bad though... just not great.
It's been said that the measure of a man isn't the deeds he does, but the enemies he makes in life... I'm probably completely misquoting that, but it makes sense in the context of this review. When it comes to James Bond movies, the bad guy is almost as important as who's playing Bond. In this regard, Dr. No is often outshined by the majority of the other entries to the 007 canon. Sure, Dr. No isn't the best villain (for one thing he has a lot to learn about gimmicky torture deaths), but at least he had robot hands that could crunch random pieces of statuary, so that's something, right? He could've used some noteworthy henchmen though, and maybe supplied his goons with rental cars that don't explode as soon as they leaves the road, but he was the first of 007's rogues gallery, so that guarantees him a piece of infamy pie. So long Dr. No, hopefully in your next life you'll actually be a Chinese guy and you'll use your robot hands for something other than fucking up the resale value of your own antiques.
The big deal of Dr. No isn't just that it's the first cinematic adaptation of Ian Flemming's super affable secret agent, but that it's the movie that gave the movie world Sean fucking Connery. If you don't like Sean Connery, chances are you suck. I'd come up with some ridiculous simile with which to describe your suckiness, but seriously, if you don't like Sean Connery in any way shape or form, you don't deserve the effort! Come on, how can you not like Sean Connery!? Even beyond the James Bond movies the man's resume is chock full of sumptuous movie delights for every palate. I repeat, if you don't like Sean Connery, you suck. He's the only reason I actually enjoyed what I did of Dr. No, so you should just give those three smiley faces straight to him... well, break off one and give it to Ursula Andress too... cuz I sure as Hell know I'd love to do just that. I don’t even know what that means, that is how hot the woman is!
