That Evil Dead Bride o' mine is out at the Van Halen concert tonight, so being the anti-Van Halen chap I am, it looks like it's a night in with a pot of hot chocolate, some Chinese takeout, and some cable TV material on the always intriguing topic of race relations... I think tonight's movie is black guys banging Asian chicks. Anyway, before that though it's time to get my 007 on and see how Sean Connery deals with those pesky Lenin lovin' Commie Towners in tonight's James Bond feature: From Russia With Love!... wait, let me check something out first... okay, this isn't a porno. Well, let's get on with it then!
We now join everyone's favorite Martini swilling secret agent, already in progress. While creeping around an undisclosed garden maze, we find James attacked by an Aryan and strangled with a garrote wire! Ah, but never fear, we've got a good two hours to fill and we can't do so without our star, so the fellow murdered in the backyard is just some patsy in a mask, used to help the bad guy build up his killing power. Of course, stalking and slaying some lackey in a Halloween costume is different than pulling the same trick on the genuine article... Looks like S.P.E.C.T.R.E. is back to get their evil dicks wet in the global vagina once more, this time targeting Soviet rockets in communist Russia since their Cape Canaveral mission didn't pan out so well. Speaking of which, the unhappy terrorist organization doesn't take kindly to having their schemes for world domination foiled, hence why they're training the blond-haired blue-eyed juggernaut known as Donald Kren to show Mr. Bond that piano wire isn't just used for playing the X-Files theme anymore. And if you think an elderly Russian lesbian punching the guy in the gut with brass knuckles isn't a show of strength, you've obviously never gotten into a fist fight with an old Russian lesbian over a bottle of Stolichnaya before...
When the real James Bond finally stands up (oh what depths to which I've sunk when I resort to making an Eminem joke... for shame), he's just finished plowing an exotic broad who's not quite exotic enough to earn a whimsical innuendo of a name. British Intelligence informs Bond that a Russian defector named Tayana Romanov is willing to hand over a Lector (a cipher machine to crack Russia's secret codes with) in exchange for her safety, but only if 007 is the guy to play delivery boy and he meets her in Istanbul. Of course she's really working for the bad guys to feed false information to Bond, but you know she's just going to become the first of many evil ladies to switch sides once Bond stains the sheets with her, no doubt within the first 5 minutes of trading hellos. For this mission, Rico Suave’s hooked up with a briefcase full of fun little goodies like knives, tear gas, a sniper rifle, etc. Now this is a Bond movie heading in the right direction! Once he's hooked up with his local contact and politico, Ali Kerim Bay, Mr. Bond takes in the local scenery, including a stop over at a gypsy camp to watch a little abdominal gyration (gotta love that word “gyration”. It sounds like dirty robot talk!) and take in an unrealistically choreographed cat fight! Seriously girls, where's all the hair pulling and ass spanking?! The party's broken up by a S.P.E.C.T.R.E. manipulated gang war though as gypsies and Russian agents run each other down and set fire to shit! Bond only survives thanks to Kren's intervention as the brute blows away a few would be assassins so he can save Bond for himself. After double-dipping with a pair of gypsy ladies (I shudder to think of the collective pubic hair between those three), it's back to business for Bond... then again, an after dark 2-on-1 for guys like James pretty much is business for Dr. Porkenstein.
Once Miss Romanov and her Lector (I hardly know her! *rimshot*) have been acquired, the couple grab some new identities and hop a train to freedom. You know it won't end so easy though, since both Kren and a Russian security agent are also on board. While our hero's pre-occupied with the poon in his private car (and apparently having sex with her with his clothes on?!), his buddy Kerim and the Russian agent both have an unfortunate run in with Kren that leaves them both lacking in life functions. James is next on the Borscht sucking ruffian's hit list too, so after the thug introduces himself to the secret agent under the guise of a British Intel agent named Nash, he drugs Tayana and takes a sucker punch on our man, setting off the big "good vs. evil" clash we've been waiting an hour and a half for. From here on out it’s all hand grenades thrown from helicopters, pick-up trucks filled with flowers, and exploding boats.
From Russia With Love is a nice step up from Dr. No, starting as early as the opening credits, which are now projected over the sultry thighs, trembling torso and shaking rump of a sexy bellydancer getting her groove in gear. No pointless old Jamaican guys strolling to the tune of "Three Blind Mice"? You learn quickly movie, you learn quickly indeed! You'll also note that JB finally gets his gadget on with FRWL. Granted, said "wonderful toys" aren't as elaborate or novel as they would be later on, but at least his little suitcase of tricks is a start. However, despite taking two steps forward on the James Bond formula, the movie also falls back a step by leaving out a couple of important Bond ingredients.
Though it lacks the more over-the-top elements of some of the more memorable Bond flicks (villains with deformities, intricate torture devices, global annihilation, laser guns and rocket packs), From Russia With Love will appeal to those looking for a more traditional spy flick. Instead of two sides working against each other, S.P.E.C.T.R.E. is there to manipulate both the Brits and the Russians, leaving an interesting "who's really working for who?" dynamic. It plays much of itself seriously which, despite going against type for most James Bond movies, is better than something like Dr. No, which tried to be fun and excessively exciting but only succeeded in delivering a goofy looking "dragon" tank, color-coded bad guys in plastic radiation suits, and one of the weakest car chases this side of a Joe Don Baker flick. Unfortunately, FRWL tries a little too hard to ramp up the excitement at times, especially in one scene where James is casually searching his hotel room for wiretaps, escorted by a booming round of the 007 theme music. You might as well be playing Motörhead while making waffles… not that there’s a time when Lemmy and friends aren’t appropriate, but you get the idea.
From Russia With Love does give us our first hint of the main puppeteer at S.P.E.C.T.R.E. though, but beyond discovering that the guy sounds like John Vernon and has a sizeable goon with a poisonous blade in his shoe that spends all day standing behind a door until he's called on to kick somebody in the shin, we don't learn much about said mysterious boss. Oh yeah, and he's apparently a cat person, in that he has a pet cat and not that he has feline DNA. Of course this lack of information just intrigues us to find out more about him and his organization in future 007 adventures. Fans of the Austin Powers movies will also note that a few of the influences for the series' first flick are taken directly from here, especially the pussy petting criminal mastermind and the final scene where Bond and his lady friend are attacked in their hotel room by the elderly Russian dyke looking to score one last notch on her orthopedic shoes before the credits roll.
