Halloween (1978) Reviewed By Anubis Cast & Crew credits A boy dresses like a clown and kills his sister on Halloween. He does 15 in a nuthouse, not speaking or communicating in anyway with his baldo psychiatrist, until he randomly breaks out one night, steals a car and heads back to his hood in Haddonfield Illinois to pick up where he left off: killing teenagers. Stab stab stab, kill kill kill. Because every antagonist needs a protagonist to foil them, one of the teenage girls Michael Myers targets is Jamie: an awkward gal who spends her weekends studying and babysitting instead of sharing in the local social disease scene. Oh yeah, and because he has nothing else to do in the two years between now and when he'd go on to play to diabolical schemer of Pumaman, Dr. Loomis insists on hunting Myers himself, if for no other reason than to prove his theory of Mikey being made of pure, concentrated evil... as opposed to the creamy nougat and crunchy graham cracker center that we all know is really under that William Shatner mask of his. I don't know if this movie's an example of me just "not getting it" or if it's an example of mass brainwashing. Everyone gushes that this is John Carpenter's great masterwork of horror and suspense that hasn't been topped since it's screaming bloody inception into the annals of slasher history... these people are ass monkeys trying to infect me with their brain herpes by whipping their steaming butt mud at me from inside their dirty little monkey cages. Spew your vomit all you like, no one will ever convince me that Halloween is anything but a cheap ass slasher flick. Sure, it wasn't the worst thing to crawl out of the sewers and try to take me back to it's magical world of Morlocks and Mole People, but it's not a landmark or a great accomplishment of human triumph. Take your talk of "suspense" and "atmosphere" and "brilliance" and stuff 'em into the back of your skull where they can fester and boil into a tasty little tumor that, with any luck, will kill you slowly and painfully. I'm not saying this to be "cool" or "different", I'm doing because it has to be said and it has to be said loud in tone and vulgar in form because that's the only way to get anyone's attention anymore. Myers isn't even a good killer! He wears a human mask with a bad wig and some dumpy overalls that make him look like a retarded janitor doing the world's laziest mime routine. The lack of apparent vocal ability just adds to this humorous illusion. Furthermore, the agonizing lengths of barbed wire being run across my tender wrinkled man sac may be few, but are massive in their size, terrifyingly painful in their rusty, lockjaw inducing craptitude and are as follows: the whole thing with Myers dragging around his sister's headstone (there are easier, less hernia inducing ways to get your point across, dipshit) and the laws of physics that Carpenter decides to re-write as Myers pins a teenage guy with an athletic build to a light weighted French-style door using a butcher knife... Carpenter was so concerned with making a realistic "this could happen to YOU!" thriller that he left out the fact that something as simple as a butcher knife through the guts will hold up (not even pin a body against, but actually hold several inches OFF THE GROUND) a 180+ pound man to any door, let alone one as light and thin as the one used here. Am I just nitpicking? Is it my fault for acknowledging flaws and not just letting the director get away with trying to slap me in the face with his proverbial wang? No. I'm not wrong. You're more than welcome to carry-on with all the praise and blind hero worship, but when you freely express your opinion then try to suppress mine, that's when the biting starts, the necks get stabbed and the eyeballs are sent flying across the room on thin pieces of wire into the waiting mouth of some bimbo. If John Carpenter hadn't thrown a mask on a mute and gave him a semi-purpose for stabbing annoying high school kids in the face, neck and chest area, somebody else would have. I'm sure Jason Voorhees would have found life sooner or later in one form or another if guys like John Carpenter had never existed to being with. Moral of the Story: Always go for the eyes! STAB HIM IN THE FUCKING EYES! Sequels: Halloween II , Halloween III: Season of the Witch , Halloween IV: the Return of Michael Myers , Halloween V: the Revenge of Michael Myers , Halloween: the Curse of Michael Myers , Halloween: H20 , Halloween: Ressurection

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