Ah, the days when Keanu Reeves was a big dumb joke... well, he still
is a big dumb joke, but this was back when he was still trying to dig himself out of the "stoned idiot high schooler" hole he'd dug for his career thanks the
Bill & Ted movies. Which is actually pretty depressing when you think about his comedy counterpart Alex Winter who, with the exception of
Freaked and
The Lost Boys, has probably been buying his meals with money made from closing his eyes, opening his mouth, and doing a lot of head bobbing... and by that I of course mean that, as we all know, he's become the world champion of bobbing for apples and is enjoying many a lucrative endorsement deal as we speak. Anyway,
Johnny Mnemonic is a sci-fi movie taking place in the far flung future (or in this case, 2021) where evil corporations rule the world with technology and info, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, so we're going to need to expand our lexicons (i.e. your personal mental dictionary) a little to understand what the Hell is going on. As such, please learn the following words and terms to make your 90 minute stay in the future an easier one:
NAS (Nerve Attenuation Syndrome) - A fatal disease that targets the nervous system whose cause and cure is unknown. Also known as "the Black Shakes"... not to be confused with the Hippie Hippie Shake.
LoTeks - The street level opposition to the corporations, mainly consisting of pissed off hackers and unwashed people with guns and exploding Volkswagens.
The Yakuza - Japanese crime syndicate, most powerful in the world, now working for the corporations. Big fans of making each other cut their thumbs off.
Black Ice - Computer virus that acts as a sheathe for corporate data programs and burns out the brains of anyone who tries to break them. Not nearly as lethal to the brain as its counterpart: Vanilla Ice.
Mnemonic Couriers - Kung-fu delivery boys with hard drives in their brains that allows them to transfer really important data for corporations from point 'A' to point 'B'. The hard drives come at the cost of the courier's memories, but the memories can be replaced later on... for a million dollars... or credits... whatever makes the world turn in the future.
Naturally, this brings us to Johnny, a.k.a. "Mr. Smith"... ironic considering Keanu's enemy during his later greater sci-fi success in the Matrix trilogy would go by the same name. Johnny's luxurious life as a glorified bike messenger is about to be disrupted when his latest job finds him transferring none other than the cure for NAS. The big problem is that the data file he's carrying is double the capacity of his current hard drive, which will lead to eventual brain death if he doesn't get his shit uploaded in time, adding the always necessary drama of a time limit to the movie. It also turns out that the guys who hired Johnny for this run are rogue employees of PharmaKOM, the pharmaceutical company that created the cure and whose facilities in Newark New Jersey are run by a guy named Takahashi (played by the always amazing Takeshi Kitano!) who is quite the hand at digital ventriloquism. As with any big job, they send the Yakuza and their deadliest goon after Johnny to get the file back, seeing as how what's in his head is the only existing copy.
While outrunning Jet Li's evil stunt double and his head-severing laser-whip garrote wire thumb thingy (played by Dennis Akayama), Johnny also has to evade the double-dealings of his agent Ralphie (Udo Kier!); team with a cybernetically enhanced, NAS infected bodyguard-slash-love interest named Jane (Dina Meyer) and her mechanic-slash-LoTek physician Spider (Henry Rollins!); chill with J-Bone, the leader of the LoTek revolution (Ice Tea!); try to get saved by a government super computer enhanced dolphin (when did I fall into reruns of "Seaquest DSV"?!); and try not to get his head taken off (*wink*wink*) by a hired religious zealot-slash-cybernetically enhanced juggernaut mercenary named Street Preacher (Dolph Lundgren!)... and that's a lot of slashes for one movie. So, there you have it. While Johnny makes the Hollywood transformation from "me me me" a-hole to savior of the world, he and Takahashi are also visited frequently throughout the movie by a mysterious digital phantasm of a woman who keeps promising them new purpose in life by doing what's "right" in the situation. As I'm sure you're prepared for, the bad guys die, the good guys win and tomorrow's another day. You expected anything different? Meh.
For anyone who likes their movies with scenes of the formerly exciting 1990s world of virtual reality and tons of script gibberish passed off as nerd speak, complimented by plenty of dystopic landscapes, explosions, piecemeal fashion, fight scenes, and underground revolutions, you've probably already seen Johnny Mnemonic or even have it wedged firmly into your DVD collection. I wish I could say that I hate this movie and it's just a big fucking joke and tell you never to watch it, but obviously my rating tells you that's not what I'm about to say. I love the cast of the movie and, even though I'll never call him a "legitimate" actor by any means, I hate to admit that, despite a few horrendously unfunny jokes, Keanu Reeves isn't unwatchable. The direction's nothing special (might explain why Robert Longo hasn't worked since), the writing's interesting for a sci-fi flick (wouldn't mind seeing William Gibson do something else with himself), and I could've done without the stupid "ghost in the machine" Jiminy Cricket woman or the damn robo-dolphin, but I'm a sucker for '90s futuristic sci-fi flicks, especially when they involve Dolph Lundgren wielding a big bowie knife that has a crucifixion statue for a handle. Oh yeah, and for fans of the always fun anime Demon City: Shinjuku, you'll be happy to know that people still watch it in the year 2021...
