"I was born to murder the world."
Clive Barker's one of the few writers to take a very proactive approach with the celluloid adaptations of his stories. The man had written the screenplays for and directed several of his tales into horror movie classics in their own right, namely Hellraiser and Nightbreed. I've yet to see Salome or The
Forbidden, but given that the former is based on an Oscar Wilde play and not a Barker original, and the latter is just a short, they don't really fit into this conversation... that I'm having with my computer screen... right. Anyway, one such flick not mentioned as of yet in this review is the movie that it's all about, the Clive written and directed Lord of Illusions, which brings us Scott Bakula Quantum Leaping his ass into a scenario that reads like David Copperfield getting his sexually harassing magic hands on Pinhead's Lament Configuration with a dime store Sam Spade brought in to straighten it all out.
Bakula beams down from the bridge of the Enterprise to play reoccurring Clive Barker character and supernatural Brooklyn private dick (unlike mine, which is oft of the public persuasion) Harry D'Amour, who seems to be a beacon for bad luck when it comes to the forces of darkness and not-nice things... meaning the IRS probably audits his shit up every year. While on an insurance fraud case that takes him to Los Angeles (California, not Arkansas), Harry stumbles onto some twisted ritualistic cult revenge murder perpetrated by a skinny gay reptile looking guy in gold leather pants with no eyebrows and two different colored eyes. Breaking up the little ritual, our hero now finds himself involved in our main story, whose basis stems from the movie's opening in which the looks-and-acts-like-he-has-an-advanced-Cancer Phil Swann (Kevin O'Connor), 13 years earlier, put an evil magician cult leader named Nix (Daniel Von Bargen) 6ft under after Phil and his pals put a few bullet holes through the bad guy and bound the guy's face in cursed torture device headgear. Swann has since become a renowned entertainer for his illusionist act which may or may not be actual, genuine black magic... or just the gayest stage show since the "Siegfried Vs. Liberace" slap fight of '78. As for the skinny fem in the gold leather, he's Nix's former sidekick Butterfield, who is now avenging the "death" of his beloved master by hunting down Swann and the rest responsible for the big man's end 13 years prior. Swann's also married now, to the little girl he saved from Nix who has since grown up to become the sultry Dorothea (Famke *hubba*hubba* Jansse), who hires Harry to keep Phil safe and who, as you can imagine, is going to be the temptress love interest for our man D'Amour. And if Scott Bakula got into Ms. Jansse's magic box in real life during filming of this movie, I no longer have any grounds to mock his silly ass.
When Swann gets turned into a pin cushion by a rain of swords (Damocles to the 10th power!), the mystery of who's responsible (you mean besides shoddy union craftsmanship?) gets underway. Butterfield feigns ignorance as to the illusionist's swan song (*rimshot*), but what about Mrs. Swann? Could it be a rival illusionist or coalition of illusionists eliminating the competition? Maybe Nix is pulling strings from beyond the grave in preparation for a return to our plane to wreak some real havoc? Or maybe Swann just fucked up and killed himself? And what's with all of Nix's ex-followers suddenly reactivating like Manson Family sleeper agents? Whatever the case it's up to Harry and his stupid looking patch of white hair to solve the crime... and till Dorothea's fertile soils if he knows what he's doing. Two things are for sure: it's gonna be a demonic mindfuck carnival ride getting to the end, and there's no such thing as too much Vincent Schiavelli... just way too little.
The funny part is that according to a number of reviews I've seen from people who have read the original short story this is based on, Barker ruins the movie as far as it being an adaptation of his own work, despite being the man in charge of the creative processes here. I couldn't tell you how much the flick varies from its subject material (remember, I'm illiterate... please don't laugh) myself, but it's still ironic considering that Barker's always bitching about how everyone else screws up his stories in their adaptations... well, Rawhead Rex at least.
Though our movie has enough horrific imagery and nightmarish occurrences (as is the par with anything plucked from Barker's brain) to grab our attention when our eyelids start to get heavy, I couldn’t help but feel like the running time could’ve used a little trimming. The saddest part is that the DVD version is hailed over the theatrical release because there are important story elements that were left out of that cut, and I feel that there aren’t really any scenes in the DVD cut that so much waste time, as I guess it just felt like too much of a chore to watch it all without feeling much of an overall pay off. Granted, any Barker loyalist out there will probably disagree with me, since I’m not so much a fan as I am a casual observer hoping for the next Hellraiser or Nightbreed and instead got bad computer special effects and Scott Bakula pretending he’s muy macho. Oh yeah, and there is no God when you’re teased with seeing Famke Janssen nude, only to wind up with Scott Bakula’s arm draped over her mommy bobbers and her head cradled in Scott’s pelvic area, framed by his pale thighs… uggh.
I didn't like Scott Bakula trying to be the "grizzled" investigator hero. He's too soft and cheesy a guy to fill out the (gum)shoes of some black magic Mike Hammer. I just wasn't feeling it... which is something I also prefer to associate with Scott Bakula as a whole. You wouldn’t cast a house cat to play the lion in Ghost in the Darkness (unless you’re Ed Wood of course), so why hire a milksop Bakula to play a hard nose private eye? As for Famke Janssen, she’s just plain hot, especially with the slight accent she’s carrying in Lord of Illusions. Unlike her Jean Grey role in the X-Men movies, she doesn't need to use her mind to move the objects in my pants around, if you get my point and, if you’re one of our eager-to-please female readers out there, I sincerely hope you do get it, sooner or later…
You can't help but figure that Harry is in some way a major influence for horror comic book writer Steve Niles's character Cal McDonald, who basically fills out the same premise of the bad juju fighting private eye, only with a much tougher attitude, a wacky zombie sidekick and even wackier substance abuse problem. Oh yeah, and Cal doesn't have that absurdly queer "skunk curl" haunting his head. Whatever the case, if I should ever give my free will over to an evil demonic cult leader and said cult leader should decide to give me up as an offering to an otherworldly Hell dimension, I only hope I have the presence of mind to flip him the bird and tell him to fuck off before I die.
