“Mystery Science Theater 3000” is one of the greatest nerdcore television shows ever made. For those who don’t know what it is (for shaaaaaaame!) “MST3K”, as it’s lovingly referred to by its abbreviation happy fans, was a 2 hour per episode show about a man who was shot into space by his mad scientists bosses, forced to live on an orbiting space station called the Satellite of Love (don’t ask me…) and participate in an ongoing experiment by the “mads” that involved watching incredibly lame movies in an effort to see if there were any bad movies that could break the human will to the point that such a film could be used for ambitions of world domination… As you can imagine, this isn’t meant to be serious. The original test subject was Joel Robinson (“MST” creator Joel Hodgson), who used parts of the Satellite of Love to create several robot sidekicks to help him survive the onslaught of crap cinema to follow. The Robot Role Call consists of Cambot (who records the show), Gypsy (a big purple industrial strength vacuum cyclopean den mother figure), Tom Servo (a sarcastic intellectual gum ball machine with a beak) and Crow (a gold colored smart ass wisenheimer with a bowling pin proboscis and ping pong eyeballs), the former two of which maintain the Satellite while the latter duo would escort Joel in his adventures of theatrical masochism. When Joel discovered a way to return to his life on Earth (i.e. opted to leave the show to pursue other interests), the show’s head writer and frequent cameo guy Mike Nelson became the new host, also launched into space by the very same mad scientist employers, who had hired Mike through a temp agency. Got all that? Good.
For more about the show’s history, put your mouse to use and click this link here. After airing on Comedy Central for several years, “MST3K” found a new home at the Sci-Fi Channel thanks to massive outcry by it’s rabid fan base that the show must, as the cliché says, go on. During this break in stations (between seasons 6 and 7), a feature film was created. Sadly the butt puppets at Universal Studios and Gramercy Pictures treated the movie like crap, it received an incredibly limited release and was mostly ignored so Gramercy could focus it’s money more into pushing Barb Wire down peoples’ throats. As such, nobody went to see it, either because it wasn’t playing in their area or because they didn’t even know it had been released. If only the internet had been as prominent then as it is now…
Much like an episode of the series, Mystery Science Theater 3000: the Movie spends 90% of it’s time riffing on yet another celluloid cat o’ nine tails that Dr. Clayton Forester (yes, named for the guy in War of the Worlds… the real one, not the Scientologist one) has decided to submit poor Mike to. The movie in question this time is This Island Earth, a real “stink burger” as Dr. C calls it. Though some people like myself may have found TIE to be a competently done piece of sci-fi movie history, sometimes it takes professionals like Mike and the Bots or Joe Bob Briggs or Statler and Waldorf to truly break down a movie and exploit the cracks in it’s foundations to turn it into the joke it really is. Best example of this? In the movie two scientists (Cal Meacham and Ruth Adams) are taken off-planet by an alien race of humanoid guys with giant foreheads. If you know anything about the 1960s Incredible Hulk comics, they look like Caucasian versions of the original Leader after being bred with Buddy Ebsen. Anyway, on their way to the aliens’ home planet, the two are held fast by a pair of super advanced handlebars that, as the leader of the humanoids says, are magnetized. To this, Mike replies “If your hands were made of metal that would mean something”. Brilliant.
Okay, so maybe a lot of people would’ve picked up that obvious opportunity for a gag, but it’s the entirety of their running commentary as a whole that makes the entire thing genius. As with the show, the whole ordeal ends with Mike none the worse for wear and Dr. Forester yet again disappointed that his master plan seems to have crashed like the flaming wreckage of Exeter’s flying saucer. Also as seen in the show, there are brief intermission moments taken throughout the movie where Mike and pals leave their theater cell to stroll about the SoL and stretch their legs. In these segments we see Mike getting his daily workout on a giant hamster wheel; Crow trying to “tunnel” his way back to Earth by breaking through the Satellite’s hull with a pick axe, only to find the empty vacuum of space as his reward; Mike using the Satellite’s “manipulator arms” (beautifully called “Manos” as a nod to longtime fans of the show) to attempt dislodging the Hubble Telescope from the SoL’s side following a collision; Mike, Crow and Servo taking a trip to Tom’s bedroom to try and use his Interocetor as a means of finally returning to the big blue marble; and eventually ending everything with a Metaluna mixer in celebration of having survived This Island Earth. In comparison to the TV show, the writing for the movie is top-notch, delivering some of the best Mystery Science material from the 198 episode run. However, there are a few problems with the movie that need to be addressed.
I have no idea why the TV show introduction wasn’t used for the movie. Granted, it wouldn’t have made any fucking sense to do the same opening, but it just doesn’t feel like a Best Brains production when that old familiar theme is dropped and some generic “Space Odyssey” suite plays stand in. Additionally, fans of Dr. Forester’s henchman Frank (or “TV’s Frank” as he’s often referred) will be disappointed to find that the white haired subhumanoid is nowhere to be found! Finally, for those who enjoy the “skits” (i.e. the outside-of-the-theater material) will be disappointed to know that there were actually two additional segments that were cut from the final product, as well as scenes from This Island Earth that were also dropped, thus making a couple of the later jokes that refer to these sequences either confusing or not nearly as fulfilling as they should have been. Sadly we can’t even use the excuse that it was done to trim the running time of the movie either, as the whole thing tops out at around 74 minutes, which is shorter than a friggin’ episode of the show, even without the commercials! The final topper for the insults made to the fans has to come from Universal’s bullshit effort in releasing the movie to DVD. MST3K: the Movie was printed in very short supply due to the weak box office numbers it pulled in (again, because the movie was barely advertised and released with little-to-no backing from the studios), so what few copies were available were picked up by the fans in droves. Instead of re-releasing the DVD with a second run though, all those who missed out (you’re looking at him), are now forced to either pay upwards to $150 for a used copy or go without… or settle for the full screen VHS version. Bastards.
Anyway, when it’s all said and done there’s no reason I can’t recommend seeing this movie and hunting down a copy for your own. If you’re the type who doesn’t think that something so many people put so much love and hard work into should be made the butt of 70+ minutes of jokes, stay far away. I’ve known several of your type and you act like you’re the actual poor bastards who made this crap in the first place. Get over it. Stay away. Stay far away. In fact, I wouldn’t come to this site anymore, cuz that’s really all we ever do here… As for me, I lucked out and picked up a barely used VHS copy at Blockbuster for $3 when they were converting their entire inventory over to DVDs, so I got mine. If anybody’s interest though, I’ve got DVD+R copies available in both wide screen and full screen formats for a percentile of what the real things will cost you… tombofanubis@yahoo.com... I’m just sayin’.
