Virtuosity (1995) Reviewed By Anubis Cast & Crew credits In 2001, Russell Crowe won his Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of a pissed off gladiator in, suitably enough, Gladiator. The very next year, Denzel Washington won the 2002 Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of a pissed off crooked cop in Training Day. He also won a Best Supporting Actor back in 1990 for Glory, but everybody knows Best Supporting Actor awards don't mean shit... unless you're Eddie Murphy, in which they're something even you will never be allowed to have, so long as you keep making celluloid abortions like Norbit that even a retarded chimp with a loaded diaper wouldn't waste his feces on. Anyway, these two big Hollywood names are starring opposite each other right now in the Ridley Scott crime-epic-to-be American Gangster, in which Washington plays a notorious organized crime figure and Crowe plays the determined detective intent on taking him down. However, the white and black hats were on the other heads 12 years ago. Both Washington and Crowe were truly at the top of their game in 1995 when these titans of Tinseltown were facing off against each other in Virutosity, as a generic action movie cop character sought revenge on an evil one-liner spewing video game wearing a bad suit, written by the guy who penned Highlander: Endgame and directed by the guy who directed, ironically enough, Highlander: the Source. This country's not the only thing to randomly shout "FUCK YEAH!" about anymore, Team America... obviously I'm being sarcastic, so please hold your enthusiasm. Yes, Virtuosity was born of the beautiful mid-'90s trend era when every science fiction movie had to have something to do with virtual reality, computer hacking, and/or murderous technology, all happening in a semi-futuristic time not unlike our own with a few key differences (i.e. the cars are slightly more aerodynamic, there are flat screen TVs everywhere, and more people wear PVC clothing than should be allowed to) that help make the audience believe "wow, it's futuristic, but not so advanced (and expensively shot) that this couldn't happen to me in another ten years!" at the same time. In this 8700th vision of the "future" (and the 1200th version of 1999 in particular), police departments hope to train their officers with a virtual reality simulation program against a super powered serial killer named SID ("Sadistic Intelligent & Dangerous") 6.7, created from the digitized minds of almost 200 serial killers. Before the program can be approved for department use though, it needs to be tested out on criminals. In particular, former police Lieutenant Parker Barnes (and his robotic prosthetic arm), who's serving time in prison for one of the following cookie-cutter "incarcerated cop" reasons, you decide: (1) Accidentally killing innocent civilians while stalking down the serial killer that killed his family. (2) Disobeying the orders of a corrupt superior and refusing to take bribes from corporate/political criminals, opting instead to see justice done against white collar slime. (3) Being framed for the murder of his own family, either by the serial killer in #1, the corporate/political bad guy in #2, or a combination of both. As with any and all artificial intelligence programs, SID has not only gained awareness but complete control over his virtual world (where cops wear uniforms made of vulcanized rubber), allowing him/it to by-pass safety protocols and legitimately kill the people who enter the program... and also allows him to dress in the most nightmarish sherbet colored suits imaginable. But, when SID's creator gets the order to shut him down, the devious virus convinces him to instead upload his program into an experimental nanotech cyborg, meaning that it's a man-sized robot made of lots of tiny robots that can change the overall robot's shape and appearance and can regenerate any damage using common glass as a base material…and gives Crowe's lady fans (and 10% of his male fans) the chance to stare at his ass for a few seconds. So, when it’s all said and done, SID’s kinda like the silicon brother of "liquid metal" Robert Patrick of Terminator 2, only he never uses this ability to create giant metal stabbing arms. The saddest part of all this though is that, yet again, a movie portrays a scientist as an ego driven shithead whose common sense is easily strangled to death by his ego, which feels threatened when somebody tries to demolish his playground... Naturally our man Parker is released on special conditions to hunt down SID and put an end to him by removing his CPU, as he's had the most experience with the program and is also it’s sole survivor. Of course, Parker also gets "tagged" with a brain-based tracking unit to make sure he doesn't just run off, and is saddled with his own lawyer/psychiatrist/handler/love interest in the "hot but still professional" Madison, played by Kelly Lynch of both Road House AND Cocktail "fame". See my enthusiasm. Yay. As you can guess, the guy who killed Park's family just so happens to be one of the pieces of SID's mental jigsaw, thus giving our hero all the more reason to want to put an end to him. Oh, and to keep the movie stereotypes going, Madison is also a single mom. You don't need a crystal ball to see that SID's eventually going to get his hands on Madison and her daughter so Parker can get the chance to “redeem" himself and no doubt take Maddie down the altar at a later date so little Karin (who grew up to be the hot blonde neighbor on "The Big Bang Theory") can be another stupid little Aryan girl with a "cool" chocolate stepdaddy like Nicole Richie! A disappointment for the most part, Viruosity fails to achieve the "wacky over-the-top sci-fi action fun" that other movies of the time like Demolition Man and Johnny Mnemonic put much more effort into. Granted, it works to an extent as a Hollywood actioner commentary on the country's disturbing lust for violence, but considering that Natural Born Killers landed just a year prior, I don't think it was really necessary to try and put a sci-fi spin on it, let alone so soon. In the end, this flick really only serves as the movie you show to anybody who thinks Russell Crowe is a legitimate actor. Sorry "mate", but A Beautiful Mind and Cinderella Man do not replace all the scenery you chewed up for Viruosity. SID does a lot of posturing and cackling, and feeds on attention like Orson Welles fed on bucket upon bucket of rendered pork fat. It almost seems like SID is an attempt at doing a Frankenstein job on the T-1000, the Joker, and Mickey Knox. The big problem here isn't just the corny acting though, but the logistical letdown that a near-invincible killer robot, whose consciousness is made up of 200 notorious murderers, only kills about 10 or 12 people on his so-called "rampage" when he's got more than enough opportunity to gun down or gut ten times that amount. Come on folks, don't sell me on Graceland if all you're gonna give me is a van down by the river. If SID were flesh and blood instead of a bloodthirsty iMac in a cheap suit, this would be no better than your average big screen actioner. Denzel is just collecting a paycheck and everyone else, well, I doubt they were very good actors to begin with anyway, so who cares. As such, there are no real surprises to be had. There's one point where Parker ignores his better judgment to have a little gloat on his nemesis, but that's not so much a surprise as lazy writing that gives us an excuse to see our hero in peril, even if it's his own damn fault. Beyond that there's not really much else worth saying. Oh, for all you fans of old-skool UFC out there, back when it was a novel idea about guys beating each other senseless without any rules, there's a scene where SID drops in on an Ultimate Fighting Championship event featuring Ken Shamrock, ring announcer Michael Buffer, and a couple others in a cameo. Even this scene is contaminated with a case of the cinematic trots though, as the idiot bystanders in the audience repeatedly shout "KA-POW!" in tune with the thumps of the soundtrack... who the fuck thought that was "cool"?! The term "KA-POW!" is not and has never been socially acceptable as "cool", even in the context of Adam West and Burt Ward beating up guys dressed like ice cream men! Making a warehouse full of extras shout it while pumping their fists? Less so! The Moral of the Story: I don't care how good it may be, there's no way I can possibly see American Gangster now.