As a Jason fan, right now I feel like we’re all sitting in that eerie, uncomfortable silence before all Hell breaks loose and I don’t like it. Of course, the storm I’m referring to is the now inevitable “reimagining” of the Jason mythos at the hands of Hollywood knob-slobberer Michael Bay and his execrable Platinum Dungheep minions. This abominable bastard project is still in the early going, so it’s hard to start chomping at the bit with so little information. But here’s what we do know:
1) Bay and/or Platinum Dunes have never, and I mean never, made any film worth cleaning up a pile of semen/shit cocktail resulting from a explosive round of anal sex in the middle of flu season. So, if history is any guide, it doesn’t matter what the movie is about because, well, Bay’s row of half-cooked cinematic abortions speaks for itself.
2) With production scheduled to start this month, the following plot synopsis was posted on IMDB.com:
Ignoring the events of the previous six films in the franchise, this movie picks up twenty-four years after Jason Voorhees was thought to have been killed at Crystal Lake. Chris Higgins, the survivor of Jason's rampage, has returned to Crystal Lake with her two children and her psychiatrist in an effort to rid herself of the horrible memories and nightmares she's been living with. But just as she arrives someone else arrives back in town after years of absence - Jason himself. As Crystal Lake's opportunistic mayor ignores the threat of Jason's presence, he plans the High School's annual Homecoming dance at Camp Crystal Lake, hoping to finally end the fear of Jason. But what fear can he end when Jason shows up and creates a hell of a dance. Meanwhile, a government doctor has arrives in town claiming to be Elias Voorhees, Jason's long lost father. Does Elias possess the secrets to the screen's most maniacal mass murderer?
Yep, pretty much. I’m not going to bitch about that synopsis because, in competent hands, that could actually be pretty cool. That’s up to former Fangoria writer and screenwriter Mark Wheaton. I don’t know a thing about Wheaton, but he will be judged harshly on this film, especially if he decided to do a lot of “reimagining” instead of just delivering a solid story. However, we do know something about pegged director…
3) Jonathan Liebesman, who insulted a nation with his work on Darkness Falls, an incoherent, glossy and studded suppository of a movie. Nice choice for a director, guys… (Somewhere in Hollywood, Michael Bay takes his sloppy penis out of the butt of a Playboy bunny when he has a brilliant idea)
Bay: “Hey, Jerry (Jerry Bruckheimer looks over wearing a shirt that says ‘I survived the Pearl Harbor bombing and all I got was this lousy $200 million!’) I just figured out who should direct that Friday the 13th sequel…or prequel…or reimagining or whatever will piss the most people off”.
Bruckheimer: “Hello, Michael. I’ve got my own awful projects to mull over. What is it”?
Bay (as he cleans off his poop-covered unit with a $500 bill): You know that incoherent Darkness Falls movie that is doing poorly at the box office right now? That had the kind of plot holes and Hollywood cookie-cutter progression that I want my movie to have! Let’s get the director of that movie to gloss over important details and reinforce just how incompetent my staff really is!
Bruckheimer: Great idea! I’ll see if Nicolas Cage can star! You’ve got the start of a really shitty movie there Michael, be sure to have lots of sitting around and fucking with gadgets, people love that!
Bay: Speaking of… (Bay, Bruckheimer, Cage, Anthony Zuiker and Ben Affleck all gather around the naked Playboy bunny for an abusive bukkake session).
See, that’s about all we know right now. But, it’s only a matter of time before word leaks out that Jessica Biel, or Nicole Richie, or Lindsay Lohan, or Mary Kate and Ashley Olson or (fucking cringe) Jessica Simpson or some other talentless-yet-perky actress is announced as Jason’s newest virginal nemesis.
But, at dark hours like these, it’s important to remember the good times. So, half in self-indulgence; half in mourning, I present to you, in time, short reviews of all 11 Jason vehicles to date. In them, you’ll find two ratings. The first, the “straight” rating is what I figure the general horror fan, the kind that likes movies like Halloween , Return of the Living Dead and… yes, Saw, would think of it. The second, the “slanted” rating, is what I think of it. Basically, all the slanted ratings will be higher than the straight ones, as I’m sure I have more of a thing for these movies than most people do. However, that also means that I hold them to a higher standard. Ooooh!
So look back and remember fondly, because it’s all over very soon. Even if you’re not a fan of the series, I can’t escape the feeling that you will be soon, at least by comparison.
All materials found within this review are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writer. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don't steal from this shit or we'll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © March 5th 2006 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewer and the Tomb of Anubis or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.
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