THE TORGO ERA

Quoth Torgo: "Got a complaint about my stupid weird-ass home page? First, post it here. Then, whenever I get around to it, I'll respond to it on this page. Here are all the complaints I've received thus far."

BonniePG@aol.com writes:
HEY!!! A while back I got a CD I didn't order, so I called your operator and she said to send it back and you would send me a check for the shipping cost....Well it cost 11.95 to send it back, and the day I sent it back, I got the SAME CD in my mail, the only difference was one letter was left out of my name. SO I called and did the same thing with that one that I did to the first one. Since then it's happened four times all under various misspellings of the same name. So far I've spent a f**king fortune trying to get this crap straight and the REAL kicker is I SENT the blasted card in a month ago and checked the box marked "send nothing this month"!!! What's the deal? You guys haven't even reimbursed me for all those shipping charges yet!!!
Torgo's response: Sheesh. What's so bad about Yanni's Greatest Hits? If you're that desperate, instead of speaking to an operator at our order line (which, by the way, happens to be 1-800-555-8364), why not call technical support line at 1-900-555-4222 ($9.99 per minute; for entertainment only, must be 18 or older). You will most likely be put on hold for a few hours, but someone has to answer eventually, right?

TJPtheraven@yahoo.com writes:
You didn't change the damn question you stupid fuck........go the fuck to hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Torgo's response: Stuff it, buddy. For your information, I have BETTER things to do! I have friends now, and they may all LOOK like notebooks, but I can see things in them that you don't have the capacity to notice! I even got myself a house, in a nice peaceful clearing in the woods. Sure, it needs a little work, but it was free! Can't complain! I designed a plane, too. It's called the Spruce Goose. It will fly with the birds. I don't like the birds, especially those DAMN PIGEONS!!! ALL THOSE GERMS!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH! Clean it up! Clean the city! Make it clean! Clean, clean, clean. I must go wash my hands.

BonniePG@aol.com writes:
Yo dude....I'd like to make a complaint that you haven't been changing your question of the week, and I would like to make a suggestion. "What is your absolute favorite movie? Number one. The absolute greatest of all time." And then, you can ask what is everyone's favorite shade of the colour blue. Also, I'd like to complain that I don't get to get on herte as much as I want, so I'd like for you to come over here and babysit Marjorie, Max and Ian so i can have more free time. Hurry up....I'm waiting....Actually, I'm just killing time. And this is bad. I'll stop now. I just wanted to annoy you as much as possible.
Torgo's Response: You again, huh? Well, I'm sorry for the INCONVENIENCE. I'm glad you can ALWAYS find time to bother me. I'm a busy guy! As for your little "suggestion," yeah, sure, I'll consider it. WHEN I'VE LOST ALL MY DIGNITY! And what's up with "dude?" It's Mr. Smith to you! (That's my name, by the way. Torgo G. Smith.)

Coodaddy98@yahoo.com writes:
you will pay for me losing the court case damnit damnit damnit! signed, unknown
Torgo's response: Having an identity crisis? Too bad! I'm not your therapist! There's no room for crazies like you in the shack! Contemplating suicide? Good! I'm trying to run a business here!

Coodaddy98@yahoo.com writes:
Mama lets have sex now that all the other boys is gone. You can't put a Peacock down! We'll always be around.
Torgo's response: *sigh* Please, I've got a headache, okay? Take your private affairs OUT of the customer service department, and out of the shack altogether, for that matter. You weirdos are really starting to push me over the edge. Incest is a no-no in these parts, by the way. If you're living in Cow's Ass, Idaho or whatever, I guess it's not as big of a deal, but this is Crud, Michigan! Clean up your act, son!

keziah@nccoast.net writes:
you know who you are so stop beating me up at school YOU big meany I'll pay you to stop
Torgo's response: Shut up, you little twerp! Do you want another knuckle sandwich?

sm_coin@hotmail.com writes:
Boy, this is the FIFTH time I've called you! I'm sick of talking to this damn answering machine! I know you're home! PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE! Are you screening your calls? ARE YOU AVOIDING ME?! If you don't call me in the next fifteen minutes--IT'S OVER!
Torgo's response: Please, dear, not in public.

BonniePG@aol.com writes:
I must protest the false advertising posted upon your pages meladdo . . .you most certainly DO not change the question every Monday as you so clearly state on your main page. However as it also states the phrase "if you're lucky" I will refrain from complaining to the "Question of the Week" union and simply ask that you pay ME a fine of two hundred gazillion dollars. Please place the unmarked cash in a brown paper bag and stuff it behind the book "Gone With the Wind" at the public library on the street that's named the same as a rather unrealistic "teenage" doll. If you do not pay this fine by February twenty seventh I shall send some rather nasty GOONs to break all your finger nails and steal your tooth brush.
Torgo's response: Goons, huh? Guess I'd better pay... but 'Gone with the Wind'? Isn't that too obvious? We should pick something by Max Brand in the large print section or something. Hmm. We'll talk later.

THE WHEELER ERA

flipdog_@hotmail.com writes:
did i say Hotmail.com i ment Hotmail.cum oh well your pepperoni pizza with cum droppings will be delivered in 25 min.
Max's response: Heh... hey, woah, you just said... hahaha, that's really funny, dude. You sound really cool. I'll have to e-mail you and we can start some business or something. Huh huh... cum....

Um,you_know_it@Tina.com writes:
I feel like I can tell people things, but inside they're laughing. Always laughing. Disbelieving. Calling me crazy! I'M NOT CRAZY! I REALLY AM STUCK ON 2 PLANES OF EXISTANCE AT ONCE! THE MOTHER WILL COME! Anyway.... They're all laughing. You're laughing, aren't you?! No? Ahhh.....
Max's response: Will you marry me? Please? You sound really cool...

You know where to find me. writes:
(I have an awesome memory, hee hee.) [note from ever-humble Torgo, who believe it or not, is still here (shades of jann s. wenner, see): Tina somehow managed to remember the address of the old complaint page and posted there while the website was actually down, meaning that she in my opinion deserves an award of some sort; stay tuned.] Anywho, to the point, I am complaining merely to complain. To empty my barren being of what traces of irritants I may find on 3-13-00. It will be censored. ---- -- -------- --, --- ---- -----. - -- ----------- -------. So what do you think?
Max's response: Uh...um... hang on, I'm really good with codes and ciphers and shit. Your secret message says... Food is ignoring me, and Yoda rules. I am... uh, nevermind, can't figure the rest out. You, uh, you sound really cool.. I'd, um, like to get to know you better... or somethin'... but I'm just a guy, so... well, y'know... nevermind... I wish Mrs. Riddiker would give me my damn frisbee back, I'm really in the mood to play some frisbee.


This document is copyright (c) 1998 by Torgo, Inc., a division of Manos Communications, a division of 19th Hole Entertainment, a division of Poison Mail, Ltd., a division of Big Stained Shirt Enterprises. All rights are reserved for those who want them. If you purchased this book without a cover, take the damn thing back and get one with the cover intact. Some stupid logo is a trademark of Heartless International Corporation. Unathorized duplication is strictly prohibited or something. Lyrics used by kind permission even though we wrote them. Recorded at Drive-In Studio Winston-Salem, NC. Produced by George Martin.


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