Wheeler's SHACK

Welly, welly, welly, well. I must say, not much can be proclaimed with gusto about your common knowledge. You completely missed all three of the answers to these remarkably easy questions. No wonder SAT scores continue to slide down the drain. I simply don't understand you people anymore. The first question is so simplistic, it almost hurts me to talk about it. Yes, you can answer this question, because everybody knows that in prison, people only wear hats using colors such as fuchsia or marigold. I mean, DUH. You had a fifty-fifty chance. Question #2. Point R caught the ball, and obviously Z did not put mustard on his sandwich, because Z does not like mustard. How stupid are you? And then there's Question #3. The fact is, you have no apples, because unless you're some kind of apple-collecting freak, you'd have eaten them by now. Another acceptable answer, thanks to what Star Trek has taught me, is that in addition to having no apples, a given person would have all the apples in the world simply by having no apples, due to the reflective reality studied extensively in "Mirror, Mirror." In any case, since I'm an unbelievably nice person, I've given you access to the site. Just remember that you owe me. I saved your ass, after all.

YOUR OPTIONS:

THE MAX WHEELER FAQ
In truth, there should be a complete college course on the trials and tribulations of I, Max Wheeler, but hey, I'll make it easier on you with this FAQ. At the very least, I'm thinking it should be required reading for all American peoples.

MAX WHEELER'S COMIC-BOOK ADVENTURES
OPENING FRIDAY @ NOON!
Read all about my up-and-coming career as a comic book artist, currently gaining experience in a "civilian" atmosphere by running the register at a comic book store. Find out about the hilarious moments of fun and terrifying low ebbs of my job, and read about my planned first comic! It's just as moving as The Grapes of Wrath, to be perfectly honest. Pulitzer, here I come.

MAX WHEELER'S MIND-BENDING SUPER-AWESOME TRIVIA QUESTION OF THE WEEK
How smart are you? Not very! Unless you can answer this question, but you probably can't, so don't bother. Torgo let people do whatever they wanted on his so-called "question of the week." But that's what guestbooks are for. You're in the big leagues now. Do it right or walk.

TORGO'S KLASSIC KWESTIONS
As psychological analysis, this file is indispensible, so I'm putting a link to it here. However, because it bears a slight connection to Torgo, I stand by nothing you see within.

MAX'S NEW AMAZING BLINKING PAGE!
Again, it's a feature first implemented by my predecessor, but now it's a real blast. Not only does it blink, it's also bold, italicized, and occasionally even underlined! Hold on; it's a hell of a ride!

MAX'S SPACED-OUT MESSAGE BOARD!
Welcome to space. Herein you can chat with fellow fans of intelligent science fiction. No Asimov freaks, please. I asked for fans of sci-fi, not quantum-physics.

COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT
I doubt anyone will need this now that I'm in charge, but here it is. If you dare complain about my web page, don't expect some sympathy from these quarters. Instead, you can anticipate a death threat or two.

TORGO & MAX'S COMPLAINT RESPONSES, INC.
This is where you can see all the ridiculous trivialities which the more idiotic visitors to the site have posted, in times old and new. Plus, you get a typically brilliant reply from yours truly, or if you're unlucky, a message from Torgo from back in the day.

LINKS
Who better to judge the greatest spots on this World Wide Web than the miracle that is Max? Come here and see all the best sites on the 'Net. If you'd like your site listed here, send me your best offer and I'll consider it. Minimum bid: $200, and then only if I really think you're awesome and your site has something about Anakin Skywalker on it.

CONTACT THE WHEELER-MEISTER!
You know you want to. Go on, click the link and find out how to be blessed with my presence (in your inbox, anyway). It's free! For now.

people have basked in the glow of this web page since March 15, 2000.

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