Anticipation is greater than realization
To further understand this most basic aspect of human relations you must appreciate the essential difference in female and male sexuality. Whereas most couples pay only lip service to their differences, wives who fully appreciate these differences are able to tap directly into the inherent erotic potential within their marriages. As noted before, male sexuality is oriented on the chase. Like a thoroughbred horse which enjoys nothing more than a hard run, the typical male enjoys nothing more than the pursuit of a woman for sex. The more lengthy and challenging the pursuit, the more exiting and determined the chase. The more hurdles he must overcome, the more he will strive for the prize and the more it will be appreciated when eventually attained. You, on the other hand, will appreciate his new attention and energy in pursuit of you.
Exercising your erotic potential then is as simple as placing these hurdles for your husband to overcome in your romantic relationship.
Some husbands who discover their own needs in this regard will go to enormous lengths to persuade their wives to exercise their erotic potential with them. Because of social taboos regarding the exercise of power in relationships it can be difficult for some wives to be comfortable with their erotic potential even when their husbands are begging for it.
So
how can you best position these hurdles for your husband? As we have seen the
most tangible aspect of romance for your husband is the activity of sex. Based
on the biological imperatives in the make up of men, the apex of his sexual
activity must be the ejaculation of his semen. Therefore in order to re-stoke
the dormant furnace of your husband’s desire it is necessary for the wife to
establish control of the incidence and the activities of sex and most
importantly to remove the certainty of ejaculation from the sexual equation.
Only then will the husband truly realize that his prize must once again be
courted and won, on a continual and daily basis.
The husband, rather than becoming the conqueror, remains suitor and when
the couple goes to bed, courtship continues. Under these playful new
arrangements, “making love” retains its older, courtly connotations.
It's important to understand that men are almost always in the mood for sex. This is the way men are biologically wired. And it is not difficult for men to have orgasms. Men orgasm as a matter of course. A man who is concentrating on achieving his orgasm can do so in a matter of a few minutes. Strictly speaking then, biology has programmed men to engage in an activity that consists of a few minutes of friction leading to ejaculation. You surely noticed that there is no requirement in this process for a woman to climax or even to enjoy the activity. It is only when the sexual needs of women are taken into account that the act of sex turns into something more than the absolute basics above and evolves into love-making. Coincidentally as men learn to accommodate those needs and reciprocate the women’s desires they find their own enjoyment of sexual activity greatly increasing. Thus for example, engaging in lengthy sexual sessions with various acts of foreplay and after play add nothing to the primal urge of the male. However although it does have as its primary and actual goal the pleasure of the female partner, it can also become intensely pleasurable to the male as well, in large part because of his perception that the female is satisfied. Through this the male learns that he can increase and prolong his sexual pleasure at one particular session by postponing orgasm and concentrating on female-centric activities.
George Gilder notes in his book - Men
and Marriage: “Women manipulate male sexual desire in order to
teach men the long-term cycles of female sexuality and biology on which
civilization is based.”
The problem is that, while a husband may genuinely seek to satisfy his wife sexually, his natural, innate tendency is to achieve his primal goal, consummation of intercourse, with a minimal expenditure of energy. Even men who try to overcome these tendencies will only be partially successful. After all, that's precisely what evolution has bred him to do, that's how the male of the species maximizes his genetic contribution.
Clearly these goals are in conflict and more often than not, in the passion of making love, it is the primal instincts which win out. He doesn't mean to be this way, but he is. Only you can change this by taking control of the situation and ensuring that his ejaculation takes place at a suitable time.
As we have seen it is the attention to the female’s needs that have made sex a thoroughly enjoyable activity for both man and woman. Thus you must train your husband that sex is for your benefit, not his. It is not the case that he is no longer to be allowed to enjoy sex. On the contrary, you will find that under the new arrangement he will be more excited and satisfied than ever. It is simply that men want to please women in bed and that when sex is directed at your satisfaction, your husband will inevitably be satisfied as well. His satisfaction may take new and varied forms, but he will definitely increase his satisfaction level along with yours.
The arrangement you want to establish as a couple is simply this: intimate activities happen when you, the wife, want them to happen and how you want them to happen. You do not have sex simply because your husband is aroused. You engage in intimate activity when you are in the mood for it and you decide the type of activity that you are in the mood for. Both man & wife acknowledge that the wife’s satisfaction and pleasure are paramount. The satisfaction that he gains from your sessions will be in direct proportion to the pleasure you experience.
It’s important to understand that at this point we are speaking about a broad range of intimate activity, which will include but is not limited to traditional sexual intercourse. Take for example a situation where you might like a long slow body massage with hot oil. This would be considered by many including this writer as an intimate activity. A massage of this type might well lead to a sexual interlude of some sort, but it is crucial to understand that it need not do so unless you wish it. In many cases perhaps you would like to simply drift off into sleep at the conclusion of such an activity. Too many women would be afraid to have their husband give them such a massage on a regular basis because they would then feel obligated to allow the husband to turn the activity into sexual intercourse irregardless of their desire at the time. Under this program you will make such decisions based on your own particular feelings.
As we move forward in this particular part of the discussion, consider the
following excerpt from Orgasms for Two: The Joy
of Partner Sex by Betty Dodson Ph.D.
The Myth of Foreplay
It's totally understandable why heterosexual men and women want to climax
from penis/vagina sex - how convenient, how easy, and how wonderful to have
partner sex be consistently and mutually orgasmic. However, if Romeo's firm
penis moving sweetly inside Juliet's wet vagina provides orgasms for nearly
every man and a mere handful of women, what are we going to do about the
majority of women who cannot climax from vaginal penetration alone? We can
broaden our definition of partner sex to include some form of direct
stimulation of a woman's clitoris either manually or with a vibrator during
heterosexual lovemaking.
Let's start with the concept of foreplay. Women's magazines as well as many
sex books emphasize the importance of "foreplay" for couples. We are
told that women want more of it and men don't do enough of it. It's been my
observation that a little appetizer of kissing, breast fondling, and clitoral
touching before the main course of penetration is seldom enough to satisfy the
sexual appetite of most red-blooded women. Just as she is getting excited from
some form of direct clitoral contact, he stops and penetrates her vagina. While
he is enjoying his ideal erotic sensation with his penis moving inside her, she
is now struggling to get a little indirect clitoral contact, which for most
women can't compare to consistent clitoral stimulation all the way to orgasm.
Imagine a man being told he can rub his penis inside a woman's vagina as
foreplay, but when it's time for his orgasm, she must be sitting on his face
penetrating his mouth with her clitoris. This will give him a "mature oral
orgasm." He must not reach down and touch his penis while she's fucking
him in the mouth or she'll think her clitoris isn't big enough to provide his
orgasm. To protect her female ego, he ends up faking orgasm, but he figures
it's worth it to keep the peace. Later on he can masturbate in the bathroom, or
if she's a sound sleeper, he can finish himself off in bed providing he can
come while holding his breath and not moving so as not to wake her.
Instead of using the word "foreplay," we need to think of a new
term to use, such as "sexplay." Most women desire clitoral pleasure
in the beginning of, during, and sometimes even after partner sex, if she wants
to come again.
As Ms. Dodson illustrates there is more to sex than simply the penetration of the vagina with the penis. Penetrative intercourse does not have to be the omnipresent “main course” of a couple’s sex life. A sexual experience need not consist of a series of brief appetizers followed by the sexual main course of intercourse. In fact each pleasurable activity is in itself worthy of being a main course. There are times when one enjoys a 5 course meal but very often a single course meal will also suffice. You should feel free to choose such a single course from the entire smorgasbord of sexual & intimate activity available to you.