A One Night Stand IS a Relationship!

INT BAR NIGHT

Two guys sit at a bar drinking. There's a live band playing in the background and lots of people dancing, talking and getting drinks.

WILL is a somewhat slick professional in his late twenties, having a mixed drink. Standing at the bar with a male friend, but checking out the women on the dance floor.

WILL

You won't mind if I ditch you for a better offer, right?

DAN is also in his late twenties, drinking a beer, trying to have a conversation with Will, who keeps looking around.

DAN

Hell yes! I came out here to hang with you; I've hardly seen you in months.

WILL

Marriage will do that - we used to hang all the time - now you got "chores". That babe over there, she won't ask me to fix anything at her place.

Will makes eye contact with a very attractive woman on the edge of the dance floor.

DAN

Aren't you getting a little tired of all the one-night stands?

WILL

I think it'd be easier to get tired of the same woman.

DAN

That's because you don't understand the benefits of a relationship.

WILL

That's where you're wrong; I've had more experience with relationships than you.

DAN

Like hell!

WILL

Every one-night stand is a relationship…

DAN
(interrupting)

Bullshit!

WILL

…a full and complete, beginning to end, relationship compressed into 18 hours or less.

DAN

This I gotta hear.

WILL

You've had a few one-nighters, right? So you can follow along. You see her, she makes eye contact, sparks fly, and chemistry happens, just enough to get you over there to talk to her. This is the beginning of every relationship, right? So now you're chatting her up - the get to know you stage. In a one-night stand this can last for up to an hour, in long drawn out relationships she'll drag it out as long as you let her. Then comes the first big turning point - commitment!

DAN

Bullshit! There's no commitment in a one-night stand. The very definition of one-night stand says "no commitment!"

WILL

But there is a commitment - that moment when you decide you're going to spend the night with her - or alone. You're committing to her, only until you bag her, but still, it's a commitment. Sometimes it creeps up on you, you haven't really decided, but you look at the clock and it hits you - you're out of time - you're hers defacto. Isn't that how it worked with you and Jill? You were happily dating, having a good time, not thinking about the future, then BLAMMO! She set a wedding date and made you an appointment to get fitted for a tux. Right?

DAN

Yeah. But it was the best thing that every happened to me!

WILL

Bully for you. Anyway, after the moment of commitment - however you arrive at it - comes the jockeying for sex. This is the meat and potatoes of the one-night stand. It's a game of ever-increasing risks. Your adrenaline flows, you touch her here, you touch her there, you watch her face for any sign of resistance then you move in for the all-important first kiss. This kiss will form her opinion of what you'll be like in bed. That kiss had better be tailored to everything you've found out about her. Depending on her verbal and non-verbal cues it can be everything from tender, romantic, gentle to forceful, aggressive, take her breath away. And you'd better not get it wrong!

DAN

That's the case in a REAL relationship too.

WILL

My point exactly. After the first kiss comes the petting stage. In your relationship this probably lasted at LEAST a few weeks, right?

DAN

Yeah. But…

WILL
(interrupting)

Well in a one-night stand you get to compress it all into an hour or so, depending on where you are. If you're lucky enough to still be in a bar or dance club, the petting doesn't last long and has one goal. The same goal all petting has - get her hot enough to sleep with you! If you happen to already be in the "place of consummation" -your place, her place, hotel room, car, wherever- then the petting falls under the category of Foreplay.

DAN

What do you think's the difference between petting and foreplay?

WILL

That's easy. Foreplay - comes before sex. Petting - there may not be any sex.

DAN

Oh, OK

WILL

Then the consummation. That hot, sweaty sought after goal. When she gets on the bed, she's all yours. For as long as you can make her happy. In a one-night stand, there can be no mistakes, no "off" nights, no performance under par. It's an exploration, a discovery. What does she like, what makes her scream, what makes her look at you like you're a god! That's the sweet spot, when you know she'll be telling her friends and writing it down in her diary, that's when you know she'd keep you if you let her.

DAN

Holy Shit!

WILL

Yeah, I think this is where you guys make the mistake of becoming lap dogs. It can be tempting. But remember all the work that went into that moment. I wouldn't want to keep up that level of effort all the time and I sure as shit don't want to see the look on her face when she realizes that I'm a slob just like her brother and that whole god thing is down the toilet forever! Screw that!

DAN

So when she looks at you like a god, you decide that you're never going to see her again. Right? That is sooo screwed up.

WILL

Not so. I decide I'm never going to see her again after the great sex is over and she's cuddling up to me like a kitten, and she begins to talk. Usually by the third sentence I'm desperately trying to come up with a good reason to get the hell out of there. Which, by the way, is why I NEVER bring one to my place - too hard to escape. She either starts telling you how she's never done this before, blah, blah, blah or maybe how she's so happy she met you -major warning sign- or she just blathers on and on. But that's the point when I know this relationship just isn't going to work out because we're basically incompatible.

DAN

You weren't incompatible while you were shoving your…

WILL
(interrupting)

A relationship cannot be built on great sex. And it really isn't until she starts talking afterwards that I start thinking about whether I could spend time with her, not in bed, and not want to kill her or myself. That's a major part of life, breakfast, dinner, weekends, when you're in public. It can't be sex all the time. Anyway, that's the big turning point when I know I have to end it. I hate scenes, and who wants to ruin her lovely memories, not me! So I just come up with some kind of excuse, by the way, thanks buddy.

DAN

For what?

WILL

You're my best excuse. "I have a 6 am racquetball with Dan. I gotta go." Works every time. Then I never hear from her again and I start praying I never see her anywhere either.

DAN
(sarcastically)

Gee, thanks. Aren't you worried what a promiscuous life might do to you?

WILL

I'm not promiscuous; I'm a serial monogamist.

DAN

Bullshit!

WILL

Really. I'm totally faithful for the duration of the relationship, and I expect the same from her.

DAN

Wow! (shakes his head) You are either really delusional or really…I don't know what. Go on and catch girlfriend number 120. I think I'm gonna go home and kiss my wife.

WILL

See ya buddy!

Will sends his parting shop over his shoulder as he heads toward the babe he spotted earlier.

Dan drains his beer and looks bewildered.

FADE TO BLACK