[In the
opening scene, a young boy is sick in his bed, playing a video game. His Mother
enters.]
Mother: [to her sick little boy] Hi Honey.
Kid: [mumbles quietly] Hi Mom.
Mother: You feeling any better?
Kid: A little bit.
Mother: Guess what?
Kid: What?
Mother: Your Grandfather is here.
Kid: [pleading] Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick...
Mother: You're sick? That's why he's here.
Kid: [distressed] He'll pinch my cheek...I hate that!
Mother: Maybe he won't...
[Enter the kid's Grandfather, also Narrator of The Princess Bride]
Grandfather: [entering the room] Heyyyyy...How's the sick? Huh? [pinching
the kids cheek]
Mother: I think I'll leave you two pals alone.
Grandfather: I brought you a special present.
Kid: [excitedly] What is it?
Grandfather: Open it up.
Kid: [opening the gift] A book?
Grandfather: That's right, when I was your age, television was called
books; and this is a special book. It was the book
Kid: [less interested] Does it got any sports in it?
Grandfather: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge,
giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...
Kid: It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.
Grandfather: Oh, well, thank you very much. That's very nice of you.
Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. Oh...alright...The Princess Bride by
S. Morgenstern, Chapter 1.
Narrator: Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin.
Her favorite past-times were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that
worked there. His name was Wesley. But she never called him that. Isn't that
a wonderful beginning?
Kid: [with no enthusiasm] Yeah...it's really good.
Narrator: Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Wesley
around.
Buttercup: Farmboy, varnish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face
shining in it by morning.
Wesley: As you wish.
Narrator: 'As you wish' was all he ever said to her.
Buttercup: [holding two empty pails] Farmboy, fill these with
water...please?
Wesley: As you wish.
Narrator: That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'as you wish,' what he meant was, 'I love you.' And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.
Buttercup: Farmboy, fetch me that pitcher.
Wesley: [taking the pitcher and whispering] As you wish...
Kid:
[interrupting the story] Hold it! Hold it! What is this? Are you
trying to trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing book?
Grandfather: Wait, just wait.
Kid: Well when does it get good?
Grandfather: Keep your shirt on and let me read.
Narrator: Wesley had no money for marriage so he packed his few belongings
and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional
time for Buttercup.
Kid: I don't believe this!
Buttercup: [crying] I fear I will never see you again...
Wesley: Of course you will.
Buttercup: But what if something happens to you?
Wesley: Hear this now, I will always come for you.
Buttercup: But how can you be sure?
Wesley: This is true love. You think this happens every day? [They
kiss and he leaves]
Narrator: Wesley didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by
the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Buttercup got the
news that Wesley was murdered...
Kid: [interrupting] Murdered by pirates is good!
Narrator: [continuing] ...she went into her room and shut the
door, and for days she neither slept nor ate.
Buttercup: I will never love again.
Narrator: Five years later the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the Great Prince Humperdinck's bride to be.
Humperdinck: [Trumpets blaring] My people! A month from now, our
country will have its 500th Anniversary. On that sundown I shall marry a lady
who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her
common now. Would you like to meet her?!
Crowd: [echoing] Yes!!!
Humperdinck: My people, the Princess Buttercup!
Narrator: Buttercup's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Humperdinck the right to choose his bride, she did not love him. [The scene fades to Buttercup riding her horse the next morning.] Despite Humperdinck's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride.
[Enter
a Sicilian, a Spaniard, and a Giant]
Sicilian: [halting Buttercup] A word my lady? We are but poor,
lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?
Buttercup: There is nothing nearby. Not for miles.
Sicilian: Then there will be no one to hear you scream...
[The Giant quickly grabs the princess by the neck, rendering her
unconscious. They take the princess to their ship.]
Spaniard [Inigo Montoya]: What is that you're ripping?
Sicilian [Vizzini]: It's fabric from the uniform of any army officer of
Guilder!
Giant [Fezzik]: Who is Guilder?
Vizzini: The country across the sea! The sworn enemy of Florin! [He
attaches the cloth to Buttercup's horse] Go!!! Once the horse reaches the
castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect that the Guilderians have
abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier his
suspicions will be totally confirmed.
Fezzik: You never said anything about killing anyone!
Vizzini: [angrily] I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a
prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition!
Fezzik: I just don't think it's right...killing an innocent girl.
Vizzini: Am I going mad, or did the word 'think' escape your lips?!!
You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass!!
Inigo: [interrupting] I agree with Fezzik.
Vizzini: Oh, the sot has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your
concern. I will kill her! And remember this, never forget this; [yelling]
When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy!!! [Turning
to Fezzik] And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless!! Do you
want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed, in Greenland!! [Vizzini
walks away, angered, and sets the ship free.]
Inigo:
Vizzini, he can...fuss.
Fezzik: Fuss...fuss...I think he likes to scream at us.
Inigo: Probably he means no...harm.
Fezzik: He's very, very short on...charm.
Inigo: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini: [overhearing Fezzik] Enough of that!
Inigo: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead.
Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it!
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini: Aauuuggghhhhh!!!!!!
[It is
night-time, all three and the princess are still at sea.]
Vizzini: We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. Why are you doing that? [directed
at Inigo who is staring behind]
Inigo: Making sure nobody's following us.
Vizzini: That would be inconceivable.
Buttercup: [jumps in] Despite what you think, you will be caught;
and when you are, the prince will see you all hanged.
Vizzini: Of all the necks on this boat, highness, the one you should be
worrying about is your own...[pausing, then glancing at Inigo] Stop doing
that! We can all relax! It's almost over.
Inigo: You are sure nobody's follow us?
Vizzini: As I told you it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other
ways inconceivable! No one in Guilder knows what we've done, and no one in
Florin could have gotten here so fast. [pauses] Out of curiosity, why do
you ask?
Inigo: No reason. Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and
something is there.
Vizzini: [in disbelief] What?! [now, spying a ship in the
distance] Probably...some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at
night...through eel infested waters.
[Buttercup
jumps overboard]
Vizzini: What?! Go in!! Go after her!!!
Inigo: [frankly] I don't swim.
Fezzik: [turning to Vizzini] I only dog-paddle...
Vizzini: Aauuuggghhhhh!!!!!!
Vizzini: Veer left!...left!...left! [suddenly, horrible screeching
is heard] Do you know what that sound is, highness? Those are the shrieking
eels! If you don't believe me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're
about to feed on human flesh! If you swim back now I promise no harm will come
to you...I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels.
Grandfather: [Narrator] She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this
time.
Kid: What?
Grandfather: The eel doesn't get her...I'm explaining to you because you
looked nervous.
Kid: Oh...I wasn't nervous. Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned
but that's not the same thing.
Grandfather: ...Because we can stop now if you want.
Kid: No, you could read a little bit more, if you want.
Narrator: [reading Vizzini's part] 'Do you know what that sound is
highness? Those are the shrieking eels!'
Kid: Pass that, Grandpa. You read it already.
Grandfather: Oh...oh my goodness, I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon.
[now mumbling to himself] alright, alright, lets see...uh...she was in
the water, the eel was going after her, she was frightened, the eel started to
charge her and then...
[Fezzik
reaches out of the boat, hits the eel on the head, and pulls Buttercup back on
Board]
Vizzini: Put her down! Just put her down!
Inigo: [looking back at the other ship again] I think he's
getting closer!
Vizzini: He's no concern of ours! Sail on! [now, turning to
Buttercup] I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?
Buttercup: Only compared to some.
[Dawn,
the next morning]
Inigo: Look! He's right on top of us! I wonder if he's using the same
wind we are using?
Vizzini: Whoever he is, he's too late! See! [pointing skyward]
The Cliffs of Insanity!!! Hurry up! Move...the thing...and...that other
thing! Move it!!! [climbing out] We're safe! Only Fezzik is strong
enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours 'till he finds a
harbor.
[Fezzik, all three holding on to him, proceeds to climb a rope up the side of
the cliff.]
Inigo: [in amazement] He's climbing the rope....and he's gaining
on us.
Vizzini: Inconceivable!....Faster!!
Fezzik: I thought I was going faster.
Vizzini: You were supposed to be this colossus, you were this great
legendary thing and yet he gains!
Fezzik: Well, I'm carrying three people, and he got only himself.
Vizzini: I do not accept excuses! I'm just going to have to find myself
a new giant, that's all.
Fezzik: Don't say that, Vizzini, please?
Vizzini: Did I make it clear that your job is at stake?
[Finally,
Fezzik reaches the top. Vizzini quickly cuts through the rope with a
dagger. Fezzik and Inigo peer over the edge of the cliff.]
Fezzik: He's got very good arms. [Vizzini comes over to look.]
Vizzini: He didn't fall! Inconceivable!
Inigo: [looking confused] You keep using that word? I do not
think it means what you think it means...[looking back down] my
god...he's climbing.
Vizzini: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the princess and
must therefore die. [to Fezzik] You carry her. [to Inigo] We'll
head straight for the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls,
fine; if not, the sword.
Inigo: I'm going to do him left-handed.
Vizzini: You know what a hurry we're in!
Inigo: Well, it is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right,
over too quickly.
Vizzini: Oh have it your way.
Fezzik: [to Inigo] You be careful. People in masks cannot be
trusted.
Vizzini: [impatiently] I'm waiting...
[Inigo practices a few steps. He then calls to the Man in black.]
Inigo: Hello there. Slow going?
Man in black: Look, I don't mean to be rude but this is not as easy as
it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.
Inigo: [apologetic] Sorry.
Man in black: Thank you.
Inigo: [Inigo unsheathes his sword and practices more steps. Calls
again to the Man in black.] I do not suppose you could speed things up?
Man in black: If you're in such a hurry you could lower a rope or a tree
branch or find something useful to do.
Inigo: I could do that. I have got some rope up here. But I do not
think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.
Man in black: That does put a damper on our relationship.
Inigo: ...but, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.
Man in black: That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to
wait.
Inigo: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Spaniard?
Man in black: [struggling up the cliff side] No good. I've known
too many Spaniards.
Inigo: Is there any way you'll trust me?
Man in black: Nothing comes to mind.
Inigo: [very seriously] I swear on the soul of my father, Domingo
Montoya, you will reach the top alive.
Man in black: Throw me the rope.
[Inigo throws the rope to the Man in black, and helps him to the top where
there's a clearing]
Man in
black: [exhausted] Thank you. [He struggles to draw his sword]
Inigo: Wait wait wait wait wait wait 'till you're ready.
Man in black: Again, thank you. [He sits and removes some stones
from his boots]
Inigo: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have
six fingers on your right hand?
Man in black: [revealing his five fingers] Do you always begin
conversations this way?
Inigo: My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man. He was a great
sword-maker, my father. When the six-fingered man appeared and requested a
special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before he was done.
[Inigo unsheathes his sword, and shows it to the Man in black]
Man in black: I've never seen its equal.
Inigo: Six-fingered man returned and demanded it...but at one-tenth his
promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the six-fingered man
slashed him through the heart. I loved my father, so naturally I challenged
this man to a duel. I failed...six-fingered man leave me alive, but he gave me
this [a scar on his cheek] and this [another scar].
Man in black: How old were you?
Inigo: I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my
life to the study of fencing; so the next time we meet I will not fail. I will
go up to the six-fingered man and say 'Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You
killed my father. Prepare to die.'
Man in black: [intrigued] You've done nothing but sword-play?
Inigo: More pursue more than study lately. You see, I cannot find
him...it's been twenty years now and I'm starting to lose confidence. I just
work for Vizzini to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge.
[After a moments silence, the Man in black stands up and prepares to battle]
Man in black: Well I....I certainly hope you find him someday.
Inigo: You all ready then?
Man in black: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.
Inigo: [drawing his sword] You seem a decent fellow...I hate to
kill you.
Man in black: You seem a decent fellow...I hate to die.
Inigo: [confidently] Begin.
[Slowly,
a great battle ensues. Inigo tests the Man in black, and the Man in
black tests Inigo. They continue to battle on.]
Inigo: You are using Bonetti's Defense against me, ah?
Man in black: I thought it fitting considering the rocky terrain.
Inigo: Naturally, you must suspect me to attack with Capa Ferro?
Man in black: Naturally...but I find that Thibault cancels out Capa
Ferro. Don't you?
Inigo: Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa...which I have.
[They continue to exchange attacks and parries]
Inigo: You are wonderful!
Man in black: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.
Inigo: I admit it, you are better than I am.
Man in black: Then why are you smiling?
Inigo: Because I know something you don't know.
Man in black: And what is that?
Inigo: [switching hands] I am not left-handed!
[Inigo switches to his right hand, and appears to overwhelm the Man in black]
Man in black: You're amazing!
Inigo: I ought to be after twenty years.
Man in black: [struggling to keep Inigo away] There's something I
ought to tell you.
Inigo: Tell me!
Man in black: I'm not left-handed either.
[The Man in black switches to his right hand, and performs a few amazing
feats. They stop fencing for a brief moment.]
Inigo: [in awe] Who are you?
Man in black: No one of consequence.
Inigo: I must know.
Man in black: Get used to disappointment.
Inigo: [disappointed] Okay...
[The battle rages on again, this time, the Man in black is dominating. The
Man in black knocks the sword out of Inigo's hand, and circles in behind
him]
Inigo: [kneeling] Kill me quickly.
Man in black: I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an
artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either...
[The Man in black hits Inigo on the back of his head with the hilt of his
sword, knocking him out.]
Man in black: [sincerely] Please understand I hold you in the
highest respect.
restling Match
[The
Man in black runs off to find Vizzini. Vizzini spies the man in black from
atop a huge hill.]
Vizzini: Inconceivable!! Give her to me! [taking Buttercup]
Catch up with us quickly!
Fezzik: What do I do?
Vizzini: Finish him! Finish him...your way...
Fezzik: Oh good. My way. Thank you Vizzini. Which way's my way?
Vizzini: [irritated] Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a
boulder, and in a few minutes the man in black will come running around the
bend. The minute his HEAD is in view hit it with the rock!
Fezzik: [to himself] My way is not very sportsman-like.
[The
Man in black proceeds up the hill, and is met by a rock crashing against a boulder
right next to him.]
Fezzik: I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss.
Man in black: I believe you. [pauses] So what happens now?
Fezzik: We face each other as god intended; sportsman-like...no tricks,
no weapons, skill against skill alone.
Man in black: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my
sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?
Fezzik: [holding up a large rock] I could kill you now...
Man in black: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at
hand fighting.
Fezzik: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't
even exercise.
[The Man in black charges Fezzik, but cannot knock him down]
Man in black: [agitated] Look, are you just fiddling around with
me or what?
Fezzik: I just want you to feel you are doing well. I hate for people to
die embarrassed. [Fezzik grasps at him, but misses] You're quick!
Man in black: Good thing too.
Fezzik: [swinging at the man in black] Why are you wearing a
mask? Were you burned by acid or something like that?
Man in black: Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think
everyone will be wearing them in the future.
[The Man in black manages to jump onto Fezzik's back, and tries to choke
him. Fezzik pushes his back against a boulder, almost knocking the wind out of
the Man in black]
Fezzik: I just figured out why you would give me so much trouble.
Man in black: Why is that, do you think?
Fezzik: Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long...[struggles
more with the man in black]...I've been specializing in groups,
fighting gangs for local charities...that kind of thing.
Man in black: Why should that make such a [crash! pause]
difference?
Fezzik: [slowing down] You see, you use different moves when
you're fighting half a dozen people, then when you only have to worry about one.
[Fezzik falls to the ground, unconscious. The Man in black checks to see if
he is still alive.]
Man in black: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you
awake. But in the meantime, rest well and dream of large women.
[Enter
Prince Humperdinck, the Count, and their guards, examining the battleground of
Inigo and the Man in black]
Humperdinck: [examining the ground] There was a mighty duel. It
ranged all over. They were both masters.
Count Rugen: Who won? How did it end?
Humperdinck: The loser ran off alone, and the winner followed those
footprints toward Guilder...
Count Rugen: Shall we track them both?
Humperdinck: The loser is nothing. Only the princess matters. Clearly
this was all planned by warriors of Guilder! We must all be ready for whatever
lies ahead.
Count Rugen: Could this be a trap?
Humperdinck: I always think everything could be a trap. That is why I
am still alive.
[Humperdinck and his men scurry off.]
[Meanwhile
the Man in black finds and confronts Vizzini who is preparing to eat.]
Vizzini: So, it is down to you, and it is down to me...if you wish her
dead, by all means keep moving forward.
Man in black: Let me explain...
Vizzini: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have
rightfully stolen.
Man in black: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
Vizzini: There will be no arrangements...and you're killing her.
Man in black: But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an
impasse.
Vizzini: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're
no match for my brains.
Man in black: You're that smart?
Vizzini: Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of Plato,
Aristotle, Socrates?
Man in black: Yes.
Vizzini: Morons!
Man in black: Really! In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
Vizzini: For the princess? [Man in black nods] To the death? [Man
in black nods again] I accept!
Man in black: Good, then pour the wine. [Vizzini pours the wine]
Inhale this but do not touch.
Vizzini: [taking a vial from the man in black] I smell nothing.
Man in black: What you do not smell is Iocaine powder. It is odorless,
tasteless, and dissolves instantly in liquid and is among the more deadly
poisons known to man.
Vizzini: [shrugs with laughter] Hmmm.
Man in black: [turning his back, and adding the poison to one of the
goblets] Alright, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It
ends when you decide and we both drink - and find out who is right, and who is
dead.
Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine it from what I
know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own
goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own
goblet because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was
given. I am not a great fool so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of
you...But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on
it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in black: You've made your decision then?
Vizzini: [happily] Not remotely! Because Iocaine comes from
Australia. As everyone knows, Australia is entirely peopled with criminals.
And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted
by me. So, I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Man in black: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini: Wait 'till I get going!! ...where was I?
Man in black: Australia.
Vizzini: Yes! Australia! And you must have suspected I would have known
the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in black: You're just stalling now.
Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you! You've beaten my
giant, which means you're exceptionally strong...so you could have put the
poison in your own goblet trusting on your strength to save you, so I can
clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my
Spaniard, which means you must have studied...and in studying you must have
learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from yourself
as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
Man in black: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It
won't work.
Vizzini: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the
poison is!
Man in black: Then make your choice.
Vizzini: I will, and I choose...[pointing behind the man in black]
What in the world can that be?
Man in black: [turning around, while Vizzini switches goblets]
What?! Where?! I don't see anything.
Vizzini: Oh, well, I...I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [Vizzini
laughs]
Man in black: What's so funny?
Vizzini: I...I'll tell you in a minute. First, lets drink, me from my
glass and you from yours.
[They both drink]
Man in black: You guessed wrong.
Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I
switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha, you fool!! You fell victim
to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land
war in Asia; and only slightly less well known is this: Never go in against a
Sicilian, when death is on the line!
[Vizzini continues
to laugh hysterically. Suddenly, he stops and falls right
over. The Man in black removes the blindfold from the princess.]
Buttercup: Who are you?
Man in black: I'm no one to be trifled with. That is all you'll ever
need know.
Buttercup: And to think, all that time it was your cup that was
poisoned.
Man in black: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years
building up immunity to iocaine powder.
[The
scene switches back to Humperdinck and his men]
Humperdinck: Some one has beaten a giant. There will be great suffering
in Guilder if she dies.
[The
scene jumps back to the Man in black, running with the princess]
Man in black: [stops] Catch your breath.
Buttercup: If you'll release me, whatever you ask for ransom you'll get
it, I promise you.
Man in black: [laughing] And what is that worth... the promise of
a woman...You're very funny highness.
Buttercup: [catching her breath] I was giving you a chance. It
does not matter where you take me. There is no greater hunter than Prince
Humperdinck. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you.
Man in black: You think your dearest love will save you?
Buttercup: [insulted] I never said he was my dearest love. And
yes, he will save me - that I know.
Man in black: [surprised] You admit to me you do not love your
fiancé?
Buttercup: He knows I do not love him.
Man in black: [snapping] ...Are not capable of love is what you
mean.
Buttercup: [taken back] I have loved more deeply than a killer
like yourself could ever dream!
Man in black: [raising his hand at Buttercup] That was a warning,
highness! The next time my hand flies on its own; where I come from there are
penalties when a women lies.
[The
scene cuts back to Humperdinck, examining the last battle scene]
Humperdinck: Iocaine! I'd bet my life on it. And there are the
princess's footprints. She is alive, or was an hour ago...if she is otherwise, I
shall be very put out!
[Back
to the Man in black, still running]
Man in black: Rest, highness.
Buttercup: I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything. You're
the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it!
Man in black: With pride. What can I do for you?
Buttercup: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.
Man in black: [shaking his head] Hardly complimentary, your
highness...Why loose your venom on me?
Buttercup: [upset] You killed my love.
Man in black: It's possible, I kill a lot of people. Who was this love
of yours? Another prince like this one...ugly, rich, and scabby?
Buttercup: No, a farmboy...poor! Poor and perfect, with eyes like the
sea after a storm. On the the high-seas your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate
Roberts never takes prisoners!
Man in black: I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean once word leaks
out that a pirate has gone soft people begin to disobey him and its nothing but
work, work, work all the time.
Buttercup: You mock my pain!
Man in black: Life is pain, highness! Anyone who says differently is
selling something. [pausing for a bit] I remember this farmboy of yours
I think. This would be what? Five years ago? Does it bother you to hear?
Buttercup: Nothing you can say will upset me.
Man in black: He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts
or blubbering. He simply said please, please, I need to live. It was the
please that caught my memory. I asked what was so important for him; 'True
love' he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and
faithfulness...I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for
destroying him before he found out what you really are.
Buttercup: And what am I?
Man in black: Faithfulness he talked of, madam, your enduring
faithfulness! Now tell me truly, when you found out he was gone did you get
engaged to your prince that same hour or did you wait a whole week out of
respect for the dead?
Buttercup: You mocked me once! Never do it again! I died that day!
[The
Man in black and Buttercup see Humperdinck's horses in the distance]
Butter
cup: [pushing him down the hillside] You can die too, for
all I care!!
Man in black: [tumbling down and echoing]
As.......you.....wish.......
Buttercup: [shocked] Oh, my sweet Wesley, what have I done?
[Buttercup hurls herself down the mountain, in chase of Wesley.]
[Humperdinck
moves closer]
Humperdinck: They disappeared. They must have seen us closing in, which
might account for his panicking into error. Unless I'm wrong, and I'm never
wrong, they are headed straight into the fire-swamp.
[Wesley
and Buttercup finally cease falling. Wesley moves over to help Buttercup.]
Wesley: Can you move at all?
Buttercup: [joyous] Move? You're alive! If you want I could
fly.
Wesley: [holding Buttercup] I told you I would always come for
you. Why didn't you wait for me?
Buttercup: [sincerely] Well, you were dead.
Wesley: But death cannot stop true love...all it can do is delay it for
awhile.
Buttercup: I will never doubt again.
Wesley: There will never be a need.
[Buttercup and Wesley kiss.]
Kid:
[interrupting the story] Oh, no! No. Please!
Grandfather: What is it? What's the matter?
Kid: [disgusted] They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the
kissing part?
Grandfather: Someday you might not mind so much.
Kid: Get on to the fire-swamp, that sounded good!
Grandfather: Oh...you're sick, I'll humor you. Oh, okay....[finds
the right page]
Narrator: Wesley and Buttercup raced along the ravine floor.
Wesley:
Aha! Your pig fiancé is too late! A few more steps and we'll be safe in the
fire-swamp.
Buttercup: [worried] We'll never survive.
Wesley: [confident] Nonsense! You're only saying that because no
one ever has.
[They
proceed into the dreary, damp swamp. Cautiously, they move on. The sounds of
many creatures permeate the air.]
Wesley: It's not that bad...[receives a glance from Buttercup]
...well I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here but the trees are
actually quite lovely.
[They continue through an eerie maze of trees. Suddenly, a popping sound is
heard. A flame shoots up from the ground, catching Buttercup's dress on fire.
She screams.]
Wesley: [calmly, smothering the flame] Well now, that was an
adventure. Singed a bit, were you?
Buttercup: [nervously shaking her head no] You?
[Wesley simply shakes his head no, not losing an ounce of confidence. They
continue. Suddenly another popping sound is heard. Wesley calmly lifts
Buttercup out of harms way as a flame rises from the ground.]
Wesley: Well, one thing I will say; the fire swamp certainly does keep
you on your toes.
Wesley: This will all soon be but a happy memory. [Wesley cuts through a
mass of vines] Robert's ship Revenge is banked at the far end. And as you
know I am Roberts.
Buttercup: But how's that possible, since he's been marauding 20 years
and you only left me 5 years ago?
Wesley: I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. See, what
I told you before about saying please was true...it intrigued Roberts, as did my
descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Roberts decided something. He said,
'Alright Wesley, I've never had a valet, you can try if you'd like. I'll most
likely kill you in the morning.' For three years he said that. 'Good night
Wesley, good work, sleep well, I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' It
was a fine time for me - I was learning to fence, fight, anything anyone would
teach me. Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened.
Buttercup: What? Go on.
Wesley: Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. He took
me to his cabin and told me his secret. 'I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts,' he
said. 'My name is Ryar. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate
Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me.
Wesley: [continuing] The man I inherited it from was not the real
Dread Pirate Roberts either - his name was Cumberbun. The real Roberts had been
retired 15 years and was living like a king in Patagonia.' [Buttercup pulls
some branches out of the way.] Thank you. Then he explained the name was
the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would
surrender to the Dread Pirate Wesley. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely
new crew and he stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, all the time calling me
Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Roberts ever
since. Except now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to
someone else. Is everything clear to you?
[Buttercup
nods, but looks perplexed. She steps forward into a pit of sand and suddenly
vanishes. Wesley, thinking quickly, cuts a vine and ties it around himself then
plunges down in search of Buttercup. Moments later, they resurface, gasping for
breath and coughing.]
Buttercup: We'll never succeed. We may as well die here.
Wesley: No, no. [still gasping] We have already succeeded. I
mean, what are the three terrors of the fire-swamp? One, the flame spurt - no
problem - there's a popping sound preceding each. We can avoid that. Two, the
lightning sand which you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so
in the future we can avoid that too.
Buttercup: Wesley, what about the R.O.U.S.'s?
Wesley: Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist.
[Just
as Wesley finishes, a huge rodent jumps on top of him. The rodent bites Wesley
on the shoulder. After some struggle, it breaks free and heads toward
Buttercup.]
Buttercup: [screaming] Wesley!!
[Wesley jumps on the beast and Buttercup fends it away with a large branch.
After much struggle, a popping sound is heard. A flame rises up and covers the
rodent. Not quite dead, the rodent hobbles away, but Wesley gives chase and
stabs it a few times, killing it.]
[Wesley
and Buttercup finally exit the fire-swamp, tired and worn.]
Buttercup: [triumphantly] We did it!
Wesley: Now, was that so terrible?
[They lean toward each other, and are about to kiss when...out of nowhere,
the galloping of horses. Prince Humperdinck has found them.]
Humperdinck: Surrender!
Wesley: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well then, I accept.
Humperdinck: I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a
fool.
Wesley: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the
fire-swamp. We can live there happily for some time, so whenever you feel like
dying, feel free to visit.
[Humperdinck's men surround Wesley and Buttercup with crossbows.]
Humperdinck: I tell you once again, surrender!
Wesley: It will not happen! [Wesley draws his sword]
Humperdinck: [shouting] For the last time, surrender!
Wesley: Death first!
Buttercup: [interrupting] Will you promise not to hurt him?
Humperdinck: What was that?
Wesley: What was that?
Buttercup: If we surrender, and I return with you, will you promise not
to hurt this man?
Humperdinck: May I live a thousand years and never hunt again!
Buttercup: He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to return
him to his ship.
Humperdinck: I swear it will be done. [Humperdinck whispers to Count
Rugen] Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the
Pit of Despair.
Count Rugen: I swear it will be done.
Buttercup: [to Wesley] I thought you were dead once, and it
almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could
save you.
[Buttercup is lifted onto Humperdinck's horse and taken away.]
Count Rugen: [to Wesley] Come sir, we must get you to your ship.
Wesley: We are men of action, lies do not become us.
Count Rugen: Well spoken sir. [He motions for the guards to escort
him away. Wesley notices the Count has six fingers.] What is it?
Wesley: You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking
for you...
[Count Rugen quickly knocks Wesley out with the hilt of his sword.]
[Enter
an albino. The albino examines Wesley, who is tied down, and cleanses his
wounds.]
Wesley: Where am I?
Albino: [in a raspy voice] The Pit of Despair....don't even
think...cough, gag [The albino loses his raspy voice.] Don't
even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't
dream of being rescued either, the only way in is secret. Only the Prince, the
Count and I know how to get in and out.
Wesley: Then I'm here 'till I die?
Albino: 'Till they kill you, yeah.
Wesley: Then why bother curing me?
Albino: Well, the Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being
healthy before they're broken.
Wesley: So it's to be torture. [The albino gestures happily] I
can cope with torture. [The albino vigorously shakes his head no.] You
don't believe me?
Albino: You survived the fire-swamp, you must be very brave. But nobody
withstands the machine.
[The Castle]
[Buttercup
roams the castle, saddened. Prince Humperdinck and Count Rugen are planning,
and notice Buttercup.]
Humperdinck: She's been like that ever since the fire swamp. It's my
father's failing health that's upsetting her.
Count Rugen: Of course.
Narrator: The King died that very night, and before the following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were married. And at noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen.
Humperdinck: [to anticipating crowd] My father's final words were...
Kid:
Hold it! Hold it! Grandpa, you read that wrong. She doesn't marry Humperdinck,
she marries Wesley. I'm just sure of it...after all that Wesley did for her, if
she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair.
Grandfather: Well who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life
isn't always fair?
Kid: [angry] I'm telling you, you're messing up the story! Now
get it right!
Grandfather: Do you want me to go on with this?
Kid: [apologetic] Yes.
Grandfather: Alright then, no more interruptions. At noon she met her
subjects again, this time as their queen.
Humperdinck: My father's final words were, 'Love her, as I loved her and
there will be joy.? I present to you, your queen; Queen Buttercup.
[Buttercup comes out before the crowd. She is met by a hideous woman]
Woman: [in a horrid voice] Booooooo! Booooooo! Boooooooo!
Buttercup: [upset] Why do you do this?
Woman: Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up!
Buttercup: But they would have killed Wesley if I hadn't done it.
Woman: Your true love lives, and you marry another! True love saved her
in the fire-swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the
Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen
of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence! Boo! Boo! Rubbish!
Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo!
[Buttercup wakes up]
Narrator: It was ten days 'till the wedding. The king still lived, but
Buttercup's nightmares were becoming steadily worse.
Kid: See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck.
Narrator: Yes, you're very smart. Shut up.
[Buttercup
confronts Humperdinck in his quarters]
Buttercup: It comes to this: I love Wesley, I always have - I know now
I always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I
will be dead by morning.
Humperdinck: I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding off.
[turns to the Count] You um...returned this Wesley to his ship?
Count Rugen: [in a sly voice] Yes.
Humperdinck: Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, [to Buttercup]
are you certain he still wants you? After all it was you who did the leaving in
the fire-swamp. Not to mention that, uh, pirates are not known as men of their
words.
Buttercup: My Wesley will always come for me.
Humperdinck: I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll
send my four fastest ships, one in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts is
always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and
deliver your message. If Wesley wants you, bless you both; if not, please
consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?
[Count
Rugen and Humperdinck are just outside the secret entrance to the Pit of
Despair.]
Count Rugen: Your princess is quite a winning creature. A trifle
simple, perhaps. Her appeal is undeniable.
Humperdinck: I know, the people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but
when I hired Vizzini to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that
was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our
wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will truly be outraged -
they'll demand we go to war.
Count Rugen: [snickers, then examines a huge tree] Now where is
that secret knot? It's impossible to find...[he finds it and the tree opens
to reveal a hidden passage] Ah. Are you coming down into the pit?
Wesley's got his strength back. I'm starting him on the machine tonight.
Humperdinck: [sincerely] Tyrone, you know how much I love
watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my
wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I'm swamped.
Count Rugen: Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, then you
haven't got anything. [smiles halfheartedly]
[Count Rugen enters the pit, and Humperdinck leaves the tree grove.]
Count
Rugen: [admiring his torture contraption] Beautiful isn't it? It
took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and
dividing interest in pain. Presently I'm writing the definitive work on the
subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you
feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting.
[Count Rugen activates the water powered torture machine. Wesley writhes in
great pain.]
Count Rugen: [calmly] As you know, the concept of the suction
pump is centuries old. Really that's all this is except that instead of sucking
water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might
one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you.
So, lets just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And
remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?
[Wesley cries and moans in pain]
Count Rugen: Interesting.
[Humperdinck
again is in his quarters. Yellin, Humperdinck's man-at-arms, enters the room]
Humperdinck: Yellin.
Yellin: Sire.
Humperdinck: As chief enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this
secret: killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to
murder my bride on our wedding night.
Yellin: [surprised] My spy network has heard no such news.
[Buttercup quietly enters]
Buttercup: Any word from Wesley?
Humperdinck: [startled] Too soon, my angel. Patience.
Buttercup: He will come for me. [Buttercup leaves]
Humperdinck: Of course. [turns to Yellin] She will not be
murdered! On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied and
every inhabitant arrested!
Yellin: [distraught] Many of the thieves will resist. My
regular enforcers will be inadequate.
Humperdinck: [angered] Form a brute squad then! I want the
Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed.
Yellin: It won't be easy, Sire.
Humperdinck: [sarcastically] Try ruling the world sometime.
Narrator: The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had their hands full carrying out Humperdinck's orders.
[The
Thieves' Forest. Yellin and his men are clearing out the forest.]
Yellin: Is everybody out?
Brute: Almost. There's a Spaniard giving us some trouble.
Yellin: Well, you give him some...trouble. Move!
[Inigo is giving one of the guards a difficult time. Inigo is drunk.]
Inigo: [loud] I am waiting for you Vizzini! You told me to go
back to the beginning, so I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll
stay. I will not be moved.
Brute: [angry] Ho there!
Inigo: [stumbling] I do not budge. Keep your ho there.
Brute: But the prince gave orders!
[Inigo jumps up and slashes at the brute with his sword. The guard is taken
back.]
Inigo: I know you Vizzini...when the job went wrong you went back to the
beginning...And this is where we got the job, so it's the beginning. And I am
staying 'till Vizzini comes.
Brute: [calls out behind Inigo] You! Brute, come here!
Inigo: [mumbling to himself] I...am...waiting...for...Vizzini.
[Just then, large hand grabs him from behind.]
Fezzik: You surely are a meany.
[Inigo looks up, and sees that it's Fezzik.]
Fezzik: Hello.
Inigo: It's you!
[The brute jumps in to see what's going on, but Fezzik knocks him out with
one punch.]
Fezzik: You don't look so good...You don't smell so good either.
Inigo: Perhaps no. I feel fine... [Fezzik lets go of Inigo, who
falls on his face]
Narrator: Fezzik and Inigo were reunited, and as Fezzik nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Inigo of Vizzini's death and the existence of Count Rugen, the six-fingered man. Considering Inigo's life-long search, he handled the news surprisingly well. [Inigo falls face first into a bowl of soup]. Fezzik took great care in reviving Inigo. [by repeatedly soaking his head in and out of hot and cold barrels of water.]
Inigo:
[more sober] That's enough! That's enough! Where is this Rugen now, so
I might kill him?
Fezzik: He's with the prince in the castle. But the castle gate is
guarded by thirty men.
Inigo: How many could you handle?
Fezzik: I don't think more than ten.
Inigo: [counting on his fingers] ...Leaving twenty for me. At
my best I could never defeat that many. I need Vizzini to plan. I have no gift
for strategy.
Fezzik: But Vizzini is dead.
Inigo: [inspired] No...not Vizzini. I need the Man in black.
Fezzik: What?
Inigo: Look, he bested you at strength, your greatness. He bested me
with steel. He must have out-thought Vizzini, and a man who can do that can
plan my castle onslaught any day! Let's go!
Fezzik: Where?
Inigo: ...Find the Man in black obviously.
Fezzik: But you don't know where he is?
Inigo: Don't bother me with trifles, after twenty years at last my
father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight!
[The
scene moves back to Humperdinck, sharpening a dagger in his chambers. Yellin
arrives.]
Humperdinck: Rise and report!
Yellin: The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the castle
gate.
Humperdinck: Double it! My princess must be safe.
Yellin: The gate has but one key, and I carry that.
[Buttercup arrives]
Humperdinck: Ah, my dulcet darling! Tonight, we marry. [turns to
Yellin] Tomorrow morning your men will escort us to Florin Channel, where
every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.
Buttercup: [disturbed] Every ship but your four fastest, you
mean. [Humperdinck looks confused.] Every ship but the four you sent.
Humperdinck: [recovering badly] Yes. Yes of course. Naturally
not those four.
Yellin: [feeling tension, he exits] Your majesty.
Buttercup: You never sent the ships. ******************************.
Doesn't matter, Wesley will come for me anyway.
Humperdinck: You're a silly girl.
Buttercup: Yes I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you
were nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.
Humperdinck: [outraged] I would not say such things if I were
you.
Buttercup: Why not? You can't hurt me. Wesley and I are joined by the
bonds of love, and you cannot track that; not with a thousand bloodhounds. And
you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you're a
coward, it is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the
Earth.
Humperdinck: [furious] I would not say such things if I were
you!!! [He forcefully escorts Buttercup to her chamber, and locks her in.]
[Humperdinck
exits the castle and enters the Pit of Despair]
Humperdinck: [To Wesley] You truly love each other, and so you
might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no
matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer
as greatly as you will. [Humperdinck sets the machine to the maximum of 50.]
Count Rugen: [screaming] Not to fifty!!
The Sound of Ultimate Suffering
[Wesley
screams out in pain. The entire kingdom can hear his cries. Inigo and Fezzik
hear the echoing noise from afar.]
Inigo: Fezzik! Fezzik! Listen. Do you hear? That is the sound of
ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Rugen slaughtered my father.
The Man in black makes it now.
Fezzik: The Man in black?
Inigo: His true love is marrying another tonight. So who else is the
cause for ultimate suffering. [Inigo and Fezzik push their way through a mass
of people.] Excuse me. Pardon me, it's important. [They struggle to move
even a few feet.] Fezzik, please?
Fezzik: [in a bellowing voice] EVERYBODY, MOVE!!!
Inigo: Thank you. [The whole crowd clears out, leaving a perfect
path for the two.]
[Inigo
and Fezzik trace the screams to the tree grove where they find the Albino
working with a wheel-barrow.]
Inigo: [to the Albino] Where is the man in black? You get that
from this grove, yes? [No response] Fezzik, jog his memory.
[Fezzik hits the Albino on the top of his head, who falls over from the blow]
Fezzik: I'm sorry Inigo. I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Inigo?
[Inigo,
not giving up, kneels on one leg, holding his sword high. He speaks:]
Inigo: Father, I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can
end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I can not find
him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword, please. Guide my sword.
[Inigo stands, eyes closed, and follows his sword. It sticks into a nearby
tree. Inigo thinks he has failed. He leans against the tree, and the secret
entrance is revealed.]
[Fezzik
and Inigo enter the Pit of Despair, where they find Wesley.]
Fezzik: [putting his ear to Wesley's chest] He's dead.
Inigo: This is no fair.
Kid:
[jumping in, upset] Grandpa! Grandpa! Wait, wait. What did Fezzik
mean, 'He's dead.' I mean, he didn't mean 'dead'? Wesley is only faking,
right?
Grandfather: Do you want me to read this or not?
Kid: Who gets Humperdinck!
Grandfather: I don't understand?
Kid: [annoyed] Who kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end,
someone's got to do it! Is it Inigo? Who?!
Grandfather: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.
Kid: You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa! What did you read me this thing
for?
Grandfather: You know, you...you've been very sick and you're taking
this story very seriously. I think we'd better stop now.
Kid: No. I...I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down. I'm alright.
Grandfather: Okay. Alright, now lets see...where were we? Oh, yes, in
the Pit of Despair.
Inigo:
The Montoya's have never taken defeat easily. Come Fezzik, bring the body.
Fezzik: The body?
Inigo: Have you any money?
Fezzik: I have a little.
Inigo: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.
[Inigo
and Fezzik arrive with Wesley's body in front of a small wooden house. Inigo
knocks on the door]
Voice: [from inside, irritated] Go away...
[Inigo knocks harder until a very old man answers. He looks through a hole
cut in the door]
Max: [Old man] What?! What?!
Inigo: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?
Max: The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for
bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a
nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it. We're closed! [Max closes a
flap over the door hole, but Inigo still knocks] Beat it or I'll call the
brute squad!
Fezzik: I'm on the brute squad.
Max: You are the brute squad!
Inigo: We need a miracle. It's very important.
Max: Look, I'm retired. Besides, why would you want someone the kings
stinking son fired. I might kill whoever you want to make the miracle.
Inigo: He's already dead.
Max: He is, eh? I'll have a look. Bring him in. [They enter. Max
slowly examines Wesley.] I've seen worse.
Inigo: Sir...sir.
Max: Huh?
Inigo: We're in a terrible rush.
Max: Don't rush me sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten
miracles. You got money?
Inigo: Sixty-five.
Max: Sheesh! I never worked for so little; except once and that was a
very noble cause.
Inigo: This is noble sir. His wife is...crippled...children on the
brink of starvation...
Max: Are you a rotten liar.
Inigo: I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.
Max: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cramp. He
probably owes you money, huh. Well, I'll ask him.
Inigo: He's dead. He can't talk.
Max: Ooooohhh! Look who knows so much, eh! It just so happens that
your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly
dead and all dead. Please open his mouth. [He inserts the bellows] Now,
mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's
usually only one thing that you can do.
Inigo: What's that?
Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. [Max pumps
air into Wesley and yells at him] Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so
important? Whatcha got here, that's worth living for? [Max pushes on
Wesley's chest]
Wesley: [barely audible] True....love....
Inigo: [excited] True love! You heard him! You could not ask
for a more noble cause than that.
Max: Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world; except for a
nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich - when the mutton is nice and
lean, and the tomato's ripe. They're so perky. I love that. But that's not
what he said! He distinctly said, 'to blaithe.' And as we all know, to blaithe
means to bluff. So, you were probably playing cards and he cheated...
Old woman: [interrupting] Liar!! Liar!! Liarrrrrrr!
Max: Get back, witch!
Old woman: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just
said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.
Max: You never had it so good. [Max smiles at Inigo]
Valerie: [Max's wife] True love, he said true love, Max!
Max: Don't say another word, Valerie...[Inigo looks on in disbelief]
Valerie: You're afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his
confidence has shattered.
Max: [yelling] Why'd you say that name?! You promised me that
you would never say that name!
Valerie: What, Humperdinck?!
Max: [cringes] Ahh!!
Valerie: Humperdinck!
Max: Ahh!!
[Valerie is chasing Max around the room yelling. Max is covering his ears]
Valerie: Humperdinck!
Max: Ahh!!
Valerie: Humperdinck!
Max: Ahh!!
Valerie: [now in a sing-songy voice] Humperdinck....
Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Max: I'm not listening!
Valerie: True love, life expiring and you don't have the decency to say
why you won't help!
Max: Nobody's hearing nothing!
Valerie: Humperdinck! [She continues to yell 'Humperdinck']
Inigo: [interrupting] This is Buttercup's true love. If you
heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding!
Max: [to Valerie] Shut up!
Inigo: Thank you. Thank you.
Max: Wait, wait. I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
Inigo: Humiliations galore!
Max: Ha ha!! That is a noble cause! Give me the sixty-five! I'm on
the job!
[Max,
with help from Valerie concocts a pill for Wesley.]
Inigo: That's a miracle pill?
Valerie: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But, you have
to wait fifteen minutes before potency. And, he shouldn't go in swimming after
for at least...
Max: [jumping in] An hour!
Valerie: An hour.
Max: ...a good hour...here. [gives Inigo the pill.]
Inigo: [leaving] Thank you for everything.
Max: Okay! [Inigo and Fezzik leave.]
Valerie: Bye bye, boys!
Max: Have fun storming the castle!
Valerie: [to Max] Think it will work?
Max: It would take a miracle.
Max and Valerie: [waving] Buh-bye!
[It's
dusk. Inigo and Fezzik are just outside the castle, looking down at the main
gate.]
Fezzik: Inigo, there's more than thirty!
Inigo: [propping up Wesley] What's the difference? We've got
him! Help me here. We have to force-feed him.
Fezzik: Has it been fifteen minutes?
Inigo: We can't wait. The wedding is in half an hour. We must strike
in the hustle and the bustle before hand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.
[Inigo puts the pill into Wesley's mouth.]
Fezzik: How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works?
Inigo: Your guess is as good as mine.
Wesley: [disoriented] I'll beat you both apart! I'll take you
both together!
Fezzik: I guess not very long.
Wesley: Why won't my arms move?
Fezzik: You've been mostly dead all day.
Inigo: We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back.
Wesley: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's
Buttercup?
Inigo: Let me explain....no, there is too much. Let me sum up;
Buttercup is marrying Humperdinck in little less than half an hour. So all we
have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape
- after I kill Count Rugen.
Wesley: That doesn't leave much for dilly-dally.
Fezzik: You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful!
Wesley: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?
Inigo: There is but one working castle gate, and it is guarded by...[he
looks]...sixty men.
Wesley: And our assets?
Inigo: Your brains, Fezzik's strength, my steel.
Wesley: That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan maybe I could
come up with something. But this...[shakes his head no]
Fezzik: You just shook your head! That doesn't make you happy?
Wesley: My brains, his steel and your strength against sixty men and you
think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmm?? I mean if we
only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.
Inigo: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the Albino had?
Fezzik: Over the Albino, I think?
Wesley: Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place?!
[sigh] What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak...
Inigo: There we cannot help you.
Fezzik: [pulls a black cloak from under his shirt] Would this
do?
Inigo: Where did you get that?
Fezzik: At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.
Wesley: Alright, alright, come help me up. [They help him up]
Now I'll need a sword eventually.
Inigo: Why? You can't even lift one.
Wesley: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? Thank you. [Inigo
gives him a sword.] Now, there may be problems once we're inside.
Inigo: I'll say. How do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you
again? Once I find you again, how do I escape?
Fezzik: Don't pester him, he's had a hard day.
Inigo: Right, right....sorry.
Fezzik: Inigo?
Inigo: What?
Fezzik: I hope we win.
[Inside
the Castle]
Humperdinck: You don't seem excited my little muffin.
Buttercup: Should I be?
Humperdinck: Brides often are, I'm told.
Buttercup: I do not marry tonight. My Wesley will save me. [Buttercup
leaves]
[In the
chapel: Music blares. Humperdinck and Buttercup stand before a clergyman. The
clergyman has a speech impediment.]
Clergyman: Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethaw today.
Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam...
[From outside, the voice of Yellin is heard]
Yellin: Stand your ground, men! Stand your ground! Stand your ground!
[Fezzik
is dressed in the black cloak, and being pushed from behind in the Wheelbarrow.
He now looks enormous and fearsome!]
Fezzik: I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! There will be no survivors!
Inigo: Now?
Wesley: Not yet.
Fezzik: My men are here! I am here! ... but soon you will not be here!
Inigo: [barely holding up Fezzik] Now?!
Wesley: Light him! [They light Fezzik's robe with a torch]
Fezzik: The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no survivors! All your worst
nightmares have but to come true!
[Most of the gate guards scatter in all directions]
[Inside]
Clergyman: Then wove, twue wove, will follow you fowever...
[Outside]
Fezzik: The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your soul! [Yellin
yells for the guards to fight. The rest run.]
[Inside]
Clergyman: So tweasure youw...
Humperdinck: [interrupting] Skip to the end!
Clergyman: Have you the wing?
Buttercup: Here comes my Wesley now.
[Outside]
[Fezzik has removed the robe and all the guards except Yellin have fled.]
Wesley: Fezzik, the portcullis! [Fezzik lifts the portcullis with
some trouble]
[Inside]
Humperdinck: Your Wesley is dead. I killed him myself.
Buttercup: Then why is there fear behind your eyes.
[Outside]
Wesley: [to Yellin] Give us the gate key.
Yellin: I have no gate key.
Inigo: Fezzik, tear his arms off.
Yellin: Oh, you mean this gate key. [Yellin hands over the key]
[Inside]
Clergyman: Do you Pwincess Buttecwup...
Humperdinck: [annoyed] Man and wife! Say man and wife!
Clergyman: Man and Wife.
Humperdinck: Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there
shortly.
Buttercup: He didn't come...
[Fezzik,
Inigo and Wesley are in the castle. Fezzik is holding up Wesley. Inigo,
leading the way, meets with Count Rugen and four of his guards.]
Count Rugen: Kill the dark one and the giant but leave the third for
questioning.
[The guards try to rush by Inigo, but are no match for his brilliant
swordsmanship. Inigo slays all four. Only Count Rugen remains.]
Inigo: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare
to die.
[Just
as Inigo and the Count prepare to duel, the Count turns around and runs away.
Inigo chases after Count Rugen, who locks one of the doors behind him. Inigo
is not strong enough to break through.]
Inigo: Fezzik! I need you!
Fezzik: I can't leave him [Wesley] alone!
Inigo: He's getting away from me Fezzik! Please!! Fezzik!
Fezzik: [to Wesley] I'll be right back. [Fezzik goes and
knocks the door down easily]
Inigo: Thank you.
[The
King and Queen escort Buttercup from the chapel.]
King: Strange wedding...
Queen: Yes, a very strange wedding. Come along. [The Queen exits]
King: [Buttercup kisses him on the forehead] What was that for?
Buttercup: Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be
seeing you again since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.
King: [happily] Won't that be nice...she kissed me! [He
giggles]
[Count
Rugen eventually runs into a dead end. Inigo is still giving chase. The Count
removes a dagger from boot and surprises Inigo with it. Rugen throws it and
stabs Inigo in the stomach.]
Inigo: [falling to his knees] Sorry father, I tried.
Count Rugen: You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to
all those years ago. Simply incredible. You've been tracking me your whole
life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I ever heard. How
marvelous.
[In the
Honeymoon suite, Buttercup is preparing to kill herself with a knife.
Unbeknownst to her, Wesley lies on her bed.]
Wesley: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would
be a pity to damage yours.
Buttercup: Wesley! Oh, Wesley darling! [she kisses him all over]
Wesley, why won't you hold me?
Wesley: Gently... [Wesley has almost no strength.]
Buttercup: At a time like this, that is all you can think to say?
Gently?
Wesley: Gently... [Buttercup accidentally bangs Wesley's head on the
head-board of the bed]
[The
scene is back to Inigo and Count Rugen. Inigo pulls the dagger from his stomach
and tries to stand.]
Count Rugen: Good heavens...are you still trying to win? You've got an
over-developed sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday.
[Rugen tries to slash Inigo through the heart, but Inigo blocks the attack.
Rugen only stabs his arms.]
Inigo: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare
to die. [Inigo still stumbles and holds his stomach. The Count and Inigo
exchange attacks.] Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father.
Prepare to die. [Inigo gains strength. He fiercely lunges at Count Rugen.
Yelling] Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to
die!
Count Rugen: [frightened and angry] Stop saying that! [Inigo
nips Rugen]
Inigo: [enraged] Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my
father! Prepare to die! [Inigo corners Count Rugen and slashes his cheek]
Offer me money! [He slashes his other cheek]
Count Rugen: All that I have and more. Please...
Inigo: Offer me anything I ask for.
Count Rugen: Anything you want... [Count Rugen tries a quick move on
Inigo]
Inigo: [plunging his sword into Rugen's chest] I want my father
back, you son of a bitch! [Count Rugen falls to the floor, dead. Inigo runs
off to find Wesley.]
[The
Honeymoon suite]
Buttercup: Oh, Wesley, will you ever forgive me?
Wesley: What hideous sin have you committed lately?
Buttercup: I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.
Wesley: It never happened.
Buttercup: What?
Wesley: It never happened.
Buttercup: But it did! I was there...this old man said man and wife.
Wesley: Did you say I do?
Buttercup: Uh...no. We sort of skipped that part.
Wesley: Then you're not married. You didn't say it. You didn't do it.
Wouldn't you agree, your highness?
Humperdinck: [standing in the doorway] A technicality that will
shortly be remedied...but first things first.. [He draws his sword] To
the death!
Wesley: [slowly sitting up] No! To the pain!
Humperdinck: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase?
Wesley: I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to
understand. You warthog-faced-buffoon!
Humperdinck: [insulted] That may be the first time in my life a
man has dared insult me.
Wesley: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you
lose will be your your feet below the ankles, then your hands at your wrists.
Next, your nose.
Humperdinck: Then my tongue, I suppose? I killed you too quickly the
last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
Wesley: I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left
eye followed by your right!
Humperdinck: And then my ears...I understand! Let's get on with it!
Wesley: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why; so that
every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness is yours to cherish.
Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman that cries out, 'dear god
what is that thing!' will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain
means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
Humperdinck: I think you're bluffing.
Wesley: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable you
miserable vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to
stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength to stand after all. [Slowly,
Wesley stands, his sword pointed at Humperdinck's chest.] Drop... your...
sword. [Humperdinck throws his sword to the ground] Now have a seat. Tie
him up. Make it as tight as you like.
[Buttercup
ties up Humperdinck. Just then, Inigo comes in]
Inigo: Where's Fezzik?
Wesley: I thought he was with you? In that case...[Wesley starts to
move then almost fall over.]
Inigo: [to Buttercup] Help him.
Buttercup: Why does Wesley need helping?
Inigo: Because he has no strength.
Humperdinck: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! [Inigo points his
sword at him] I knew he was...bluffing.
Inigo: Shall I dispatch him for you?
Wesley: Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a
long life, alone with his cowardice.
Fezzik:
[from outside the window] Inigo! Inigo! Where are you? [Inigo runs
to the window] Oh...there you are. Inigo, I saw the prince's stable, and
there they were four white horses. And I thought there are four of us, if we
ever find the lady. [Buttercup and Wesley run to the window to see Fezzik on
a horse] Hello lady! So I took them with me in case we ever bumped into
each other. But I guess we just did.
Inigo: Fezzik, you did something right.
Fezzik: Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.
[Buttercup jumps out of the window and is caught by Fezzik]
Inigo:
You know, it's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now
that it's over I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
Wesley: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread
Pirate Roberts. [Both leave.]
The End: The Ride to Freedom
Narrator: They rode to freedom. As dawn arose, Wesley and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other...
Kid:
What?! What?!
Grandfather: Naah, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear that.
Kid: Well...I don't mind so much.
Grandfather: Okay.
Narrator: Since the invention of the kiss, there had been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. THE END.
Grandfather: Now, I think you ought to go to sleep.
Kid: Okay...
Grandfather: [searching his pockets, making sure he forgot nothing]
Okay... okay... okay...alright...shalom.
Kid: Grandpa. Maybe you could come over and read it again to me
tomorrow.
Grandfather: As you wish.