|
Sign Guestbook View Guestbook |
Ever since I was a little girl I would dream of reading to my children and having a husband that would do anything for me. Cleaning a large house and having white rugs with large stairways. Some people think I image the impossible but I just set large goals. Like my friend thinks he's gonna win the lottery, I think I am gonna earn all this. And you know when he gets that money, he better be sharing some of it with me..HeHe!
Dreams and goals always have a way of overcoming me and telling me that I need to take risks to get things in life. I also think that "love" is something important to me. When things are right, they have the tendency to make me the happiest person. But, when there is confrontation and problems, I feel like things are just in the worst position they can ever be in. My stomach soon feels like exploding, I stop eating and don't think of anything else but what is bothering me. I don't understand how some people can just say the words, "I love you" so often. It's like at the end, what does it mean? Nothing because they are said so often. I have thought about all this and I know that I will not say that unless I truely feel that way. It has been rarely that I have said those words. And Im sorry if you think I should say them, but I stand by what I say and stick by my morals. I have been involved in one basic ability sport. That would be running. Both of the sports, Cross Country and Track, are based around that one technique. At the end of each session, I get tired of doing what I have been doing for about 4-5 months. There is one thing that I have learned throughout all this, it is that running is mental. Running a 20-25 minute race, what else is there to do other then think about things? If you tell yourself you are going to do good, you are bound to be how you think. If you try hard enough you are able to do anything you set your mind to. There are paths in life that people take. I look at it this way: one path is good and one is bad. Only you can figure out which path you would like to take and want. Each path has opportunity costs. Decisions you may make have consequences and advantages. Some have the predicted outcome, but some you are entering blindfolded. Not knowing, but having feelings are a way to judge that outcome. Everyone knows what is wrong and right by morals and values they have been brought up on. It all just depends on if you want to abide by them or just go your own way and figure things out by yourself. I plan on getting married and having children, but I won't stop havin children until I get a girl. Havin a family means a lot to me. Im pretty sure im going to name my girl Michelle. I would like to name my boy Nathanial. I don't know if I will move out of the state I am in because I have lived here all of my life. I will move if my husband wants to. High School is almost over and then I won't have to worry about ridiculous things that people seem to make a big large deal out of. I have a car to drive but I can't drive it because my dad drives it. I pay the insurance on it and I don't get to drive it but maybe once every 2-3 weeks. I guess all things come with time. It's not like I can do anything about it anywayz. I hope things get better in the future so I can be able to drive the car I pay for. Emotions overrun by words/feelings of emptiness brought on by fears/fears of the past/fears for the future/willingness to move on/not stable enough to stand alone/alone in a large world/alone with no one by my side/fells like life travels by so fast/just want to stop time and have it last/last for another minute/even another second/anything to feel happy at the end of each day/but in my mind there is no way/always the feel of burdens left behind/time not well spent/in my life that is/when I think about life/future is what everyone strives for right?/the ability to live your life to the fullest/im sayin/future has to be better/if you try so much now/it doesn't guarantee a bright future/one little thing isn't gonna mess up your whole life/i can't get that across to myself/long term effects are what are gonna get you in the long run/stop and think/think about having fun now/think about choosing the right/instead of getting down on insights My eyes wide open/my mind wonders to the same question repeatingly/its dark/who is this person who lay beside me?/so many thoughts run through my head like cars honking as they go by/what does he think about?/we lay about 2 feet apart/no trace of him on me/no trace of him ever wanting me/just peaceful breaths escaping his mouth/for i feel just like screaming/asking myself Why?/why does this constantly seem to happen?/i want to rush out the door and never look back/for arguements always stand in the way/he soon acknowledges that i lay there/his arms wrap around my body/careful not to say a word/as if body heat will say all that is needed/although, i still think/eyes toward the wall/imagining what things could be like without feeling distant/without arguements/words "im sorry" escape from his lips/like more often words of "i love you"/seems as though feelings are still hurt and bruses still show/if he knows/things will become worse/asking what i am feeling/the only trace of words out of my mouth are "i don't know"/this is because im afraid i might say something wrong/its like all your toys are cluttered together and you can't just pick one to focus on/later on/kisses fill the scene/as the time is fastly approaching/time to end tonight/the car turns off/and the lights a mere memory/for there is nothing more to say/i stare out beyond my surroundings/try to say something/nothing comes out/waiting till the last possible minute to stay with me/him just staring at me/me again wondering/what is he thinking?/i ask and he says "your beautiful"/does he mean it?/or does he think something completely different/for i know he cares about me/he doesn't want me to leave/but i have to for i remember earlier tonight/ Being the person i am/i say whatever i feel/i believe things that are strong in my heart/morals are a big part of the person i am/so when people tell me i shouldn't be mad at something/i take it very personal/how do they have a right to say what i should think/and coming from parents i barely even know/that aren't mine/and that i need to get along with/it doesn't help my situation/feeling alone in a large crowd/as if no one cares about what i think/and they beat all my odds/its like whatever my family has brought me up on/never even counted/once i even walked through the door/like no one is ever good enough/but i duhno what to do/dealing is going to be a hard thing/i duhno if i can deal with it/i need to get out/its sufficating/time will tell/ A change in heart brings tears to my face/A change in love shatters my dreams for the future/The well being of everything we ever talked about/Everything we ever looked forward to/Seemed like everything you ever wanted to be/changed in the instant you said you didn't want me/No longer a love but a bitter sweet memory/A memory that I have no control of/But has all control over me/Sometimes it feels like we really didn't know eachother/as though we both were there for eachother to just help though events in time/past experiences when "she" broke your heart at one party/or when I was feeling lonely/but I honestly fell in love with you/I believe you couldn't say the same/I know this because you wouldn't walk away from people you love/But instead your running/Running away from something I thought would last forever/But in the end, just a close call to someone who I am really meant to spend my life with/And give my love to/ To Be COnTiNuEd.. |