"You can't be a real country unless you a have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at least you need a beer."
--Frank Zappa

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemmingway

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol that alcohol has taken out of me."
--Winston Churchill

"He was a wise man who invented beer."
--Plato

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
--Catherine Zandonella

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
--W.C. Fields

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
--Brian O'Rourke

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it!"
--Winston Churchill's reply to Lady Astor

"If God had intended us to drink beer, he would have given us stomachs."
--David Daye

"Work is the curse of the drinking class."
--Oscar Wilde

"Beer. Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!"
--Anonymous

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
--Henny Youngman

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
--Benjamin Franklin

"If you ever rash total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it shoots out of your nose."
--Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not nearly go as well with pizza."
--Dave Barry

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
--Humphrey Bogart

"Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine."
--David Moulton

"People who drink 'light' beer don't like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot."
--Capital Brewery of Middleton, Wisconsin

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world."
--Kaiser Wilhelm

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer."
--Homer Simpson

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.'
--Dave Barry

"I drink beer to make other people interesting."
--George Jean Nathan

"They who drink beer will think beer."
--Washington Irving

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
--Earnest Hemingway, 'For Whom the Bell Tolls'

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
--Dean Martin

"All right brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."
--Homer Simpson

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case...coincidence?"
--Stephen Wright

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered! Then I say to myself that it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver."
--Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day!"
--Frank Sinatra

"Remember...'I' before 'E', except in Budweiser."
--Anonymous

"To some its a six-pack, to others it's a Support Group!"
--Anonymous