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Ron's Modern Philosophies of a Cynic Page http://www.oocities.org/transcona1/moderncynic.htm "ALL THE CYNICS OF THE WORLD UNITE!" --Karl Marx's brother, after reading "Das Kapital" Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which a person can die. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. We are born naked, wet, and hungry...then things get worse. If god intended human beings to fly, then he would have given us free tickets. Never squat behind the cactus to relieve yourself with your spurs on (one of the unwritten laws of the wild west). It just might be that your sole purpose in life is to set a bad example. It is always the darkest before the dawn (the first rule of neighbourhood newspaper theft). Always remember that you are a unique person, just like everyone else. The single reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, is "meetings". No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take the moment too seriously. There is always one individual that takes charge of the situation when trouble arises and things look bad. Very often, that individual is crazy. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. Always remember to pillage before you burn. You cannot fall off the floor (from the Law of Inebriation). Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed (from the Law of Probability Dispersal). Money cannot buy happiness but it makes misery easier to work with. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that proves you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. He who hesitates knows more and is probably right. The nice thing about egotists is that they never talk behind your back. Never do card tricks for the group you play strip poker with. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead. The older you get, the better you realize you were. No one ever listens until you make a mistake. Success always occurs privately and failure in full Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. The colder the x-ray table, the more your body is needed to press against it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. Age is a very high price to pay for being known as mature. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it! Criticism is like having the roadmap but without having the car. Procrastination is the art of dealing with yesterday. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal ideas from many is called research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above moral principle. Two wrongs are only the beginning of something not right. Work is accomplished by those employees who are still trying to reach their own levels of incompetence. You never learn to swear god's name in vain until you learn how to drive. (The corollary is, you never learn to prey until your kids learn to drive!) The problem with the gene pool is that the pool is too deep and there is no lifeguard. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Stubborn people will always listen to reason as long as you accept their point of view first. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up (the first rule of project management). Nobody is ugly after 4:00 am. 90% of the test's value is the 10% of the class you fell asleep in. Being sincere is a form of flattery until it is overdone. A degree of truth is measured by how long you can hold off giggling after telling the lie. Sex is one of the most beautiful, natural and wholesome things that money can buy. Friendships often succeed where loan officers fail. The severity of the itch is proportional to the difficulty of the reach. Be nice to your kids children because they get to choose the nursing home. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. A fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. A conscience is what hurts after all of your other parts feel so good. Have you a Modern Cynic's Philosophy that is not on this page? Then E-Mail Me! Ron's Main page  |   Ron's Chicken Soup For the Beer Drinker's Soul Page This page updated as of April 20, 2004