Action Hank

     So, I was talking to Action Hank the other day, and he was wondering why the world had forsaken his rugged-black ass.  How the message boards all turned on him and mock his once worshipped ways.  And so I says to Hank, I says, "Cause you wuz just a dream, nothing more.  Everyone aspires to be like strong black men, but when they found out you were just a nerdy, scrawny white boy, they dumped you like a fat girlfriend."  And he says back to me, "Say it ain't so, Ace.  Say it ain't so."

But it was.  It was.  There is no place in this world for a beer-swigging, bar-running black man.  Well, at least not as a persona on a message board.  Cause, we all know, that is kinda gay.  Right?

Wrong.  The world needs Action Hank.  The world loves fake things anyway, and turns to them for comfort.  Take Cher, or Pamela Lee (her face is still fake), or the Backstreet Boys (sure they aren't a bunch of those Disney robots).  When people have had a long, tiring day pushing paper, being intimidated by the man, or bugging out over important issues, they need to sit back and put up their feet.  Have a nice conversation with a friendly, be-it huge and rugged, black man.  Cause real black men are scary, or do drugs, like on TV.   Or else they are a member of the Wayan's family.  

They need someone who nods and pretends to listen.  Makes them feel important.  That is why I am bringing him back from the dead.  Resurrecting Action Hank. . . in the form of a Battle Bot.  Yup, a Battle Bot.  What better than 100 lbs of metal-crunching, circuit-smashing, electronic-terrorizing rugged steel?  Hell, I got to do something with the old dreamcast.  Its gonna be beautiful, black and bad.  Even gonna have a beard.  Yup, a bearded Battle Bot.  I am gonna base it on Hypno-Disc.  A black rotating disk wit a serrated beard.  Maybe I can get it to run on Guinness.

I can picture it now, the first match: Action Hank vs. Vlad the Impailer.  The spinning beard would tear into Vlad's side as if it were a piece of Popeye's Chicken.  Vlad's hydraulic and battery fluids would spill forth as Hank tears again into its back.  Hank's way of remembering his homies.

So, I gotta get to work.  I have an old lawnmower, an obsolete dreamcast, and some Colt. . . I am gonna build me a robot:

 
Specs for Action Hank v. 1

So, look for us in next season's Battle Bots. . . well, as soon as I make it through the seedy, but lucrative underground racket.  I have a scheduled fight next Tuesday with a robot named Pimpbot 2001.  Hopefully, I will have the whole thing ready by then.  I mean, it shouldn't take too long to make a killer robot, should it?

Of course not.  Well, later folks.  (Jumps onto motorcycle and rides off into the sunset).

Ace has lost it, seriously.  He's been sniffing too much engine grease in his pursuit for robot rampage perfection.  We all know the resulting piece of garbage he makes won't even be able to slice bread.  Hell, his toaster will be more dangerous, especially since he broke the settings, so that it burns everything.