Back in the day (the day being sometime in the 80's), there was a strong young boxer rising through the ranks named Mike Tyson. This of course was long before he was threatening to eat children, cannibalising his opponents, and raping black beauty pageant contestants. Apparently, he captured the eye of the then most powerful gaming company of the day, Nintendo. Seeing as they could just use the name of said boxer could sell anything, Nintendo repackaged their classic arcade boxing game Punchout!!, and slapped Tyson’s name on it. Not only that, his only actual appearance was at the title screen, and at the very end, assuming you could beat Super Machoman. Of course, the fight with him would last 3 seconds because he could kick the shit out of you with one punch. Fucking Nintendo publicity machine. Not only that, they use the double exclamation marks to make it seem more exciting. Let’s put that to a test. Genital herpes is a contagious viral infection affecting primarily the genitals of men and women!! It is characterized by recurrent clusters of vesicles and lesions at the genital areas!! Well fuck, I guess it makes everything seem more exciting after all. Well, anyways, the Big N decided that in order to have a good boxing game, you would need to battle exceptionally stylish and varied opponents. Each one must have different levels of stamina, strength, reach, height, and all that to make the perfect boxing sim. But boxing sims are gay, so they decided to make some stereotyped characters, with 3 base bodies, swap heads and change the palettes. Well, it may have been a crude practice, but success was achieved. Your character was the raging...uh, little white kid, Little Mac. Your Trainer Doc Louis would also help you out between rounds. For example, after you’ve had the bejesus beaten out of you by say, Soda Popinski, he’ll tell you to join the Nintendo Funclub. Also, he’ll hand you compliments like “Dancin’ like a fly, bite like a mosquito.” Yeah. I also find it odd that your opponents always seem to be 8 foot 11, and their fists are bigger than Little Mac’s head. Not a realistic practice. Also the referee is a cameo by some character in some other famous game I can’t recall. Now the list of Gladiators(gay).  Yes, your first opponent is nothing more than a weak Frenchman, that can be knocked out in 20 seconds. Now, if you can’t beat Glass Joe you either 1: French 2: Thumbless (According to Seanbaby’s NES page, you can still play with your feet.) Or 3: Mentally incompetent. In conclusion, Glass Joe chows on penis. Quick mid write up comment. Since I write this while I’m at work, I usually pause when a customer comes in. BUT FATTY WON’T GET THE FUCK OUT! GET YOUR CUSTARD ASS OUT OF HERE YOU BASTARD! Well, he purchased a Hustler. Dammit, work sucks, go on welfare. Von Kaiser: Stereotype- WW1 Pilot/Nazi Of course, we see this hun bastard second, because we kicked them bastards right in the ass. When you stick your hand into a pile of goo, that a moment before was you best friends face, you’ll know what to do. Patton was a bad mother fucker alright. You should keep his (or at least the movies) words in mind when fighting Kaiser. Anyways, he has a stylish German pilots mustache, and jack boots like the SS. I think that speaks for itself. On a completely unrelated note, Wolfenstein3d kicks ass. Piston Honda: Sterotype- Er, Japanese guy I guess “I’ll give you a TKO from Tokyo.” Since his appearance doesn’t have anything amusing about it, his quotes are the next best thing. Now if he had a big dragon tattooed on his chest, wore a Sumo outfit, and randomly performed Kabuki plays, he may have been more convincing.  Don Flamenco: Stereotype- Think Ricky Ricardo. Except he doesn’t say you have some splannin’ to do Anybody that prances around gayly with a rose in his teeth is cool by me. Other than that, you can knock him out in 30 seconds, then you get to fight him again in the World Circuit. “Flamenco strikes back! Return of Don.” has got to be, for lack of a better phrase, the gayest quote ever. King Hippo: Stereotype- Fat Tiki God, from the South Pacific. I assume. I guess that’s how you can sum up Hippo. Of course, if you believe that stereotype, then you know the perfect strategy for fighting a South Island Native is to do the following. 1: Wait for him to open his mouth, and then strike the face. 2: Wait for whatever an island native wears, let’s say a grass skirt, fall off and expose the bloated bandages stomach of your opponent. 3: Punch the stomach until your opponent collapses, and seeing as their too fat to get up, they won’t. Hell, that’s a good strategy for anybody.  Great Tiger: Stereotype- SUPRE MAGIIC GENIE!! Well, let’s see. Anyone who wears a Turban with a jewel embedded into it must be a genie. Isn’t everyone from India like that? Of course, he’s not a legless, faceless genie like my acquaintance Eternal Bob. Also, you should beware the Tiger Punch. I still don’t know why, but the game tells you to avoid it. Bald Bull: Stereotype-Fuck if I know Oh wait, I get it, he’s from Istanbul, and his name is Bald Bull! What an ingenious pun! HARHARHAR!!!!! Of course, that was just to take up space, I don’t know shit about Istanbul. I’m sure no one else on this site does either, so moving on... Soda Popinski: Stereotype- Drunk Russian OK, I’m going to skip the fact his name is another shitty pun, and move on. Now, don’t let the Right Wing Nintendo bastards fool you, the original design had Popinski drinking Vodka, like everyone in Mother Russia does. Of course by making them seem like weaklings that only drink Soda Pop, Nintendo singlehandedly won the cold war. Millions saw that by drinking soda pop, you too can be a giant purple boxer, and Russia lost millions because they’re main export is Vodka. Nintendo, you wily whores.  The Drunkest Russian You'll Ever See. Mr.Sandman: Stereotype- Fuck, none. He’s just a plain boxer Yeah, what I just said. He’s from Philadelphia. Wow. Super Machoman: Stereotype- Gay California Bodybuilder/Wrestler Looking like a mix of back in the day(80's for the slow ones reading this) wrestlers Hulk Hogan and Randy “Macho Man” Savage, this intimidating figure would bounce his pecs before the match, while you’re knocked down, and after the match. I assume it’s a tactic used so that you’re laughing so hard, you can’t concentrate on the actual match, and you get your ass kicked. Well, it happened to me anyways.  I Wish I Knew A Stripper That Could Do That. Mike Tyson: Stereotype- Baby Eater Yes, the namesake of this game. There ain’t much to say about old Iron Mike, other than he can kill you with one punch. Of course, due to his “jolly penis”, and jail sentence, Nintendo was inclined to release a new version, minus Tyson. The boss of that one is... Mr.Dream: Stereotype- White Mike Tyson OK, it’s just Tyson with a new head, and white. Plus he’s from Dreamland. Don’t blame me, I didn’t rape Ms. Black America, did I? Well, I ‘ll ruin the glamorous ending. You get a picture of either Tyson or Dream complimenting you on your finger speed. Finally, masturbation has another use. So the next time your Mom tells you to get out of the bathroom, tell her you’re practising for a fight with Mike Tyson. Mine didn’t believe me, but you may have better luck. Anyways, as a review goes, graphics were good for the time, it’s fun as hell, it’s funny, etc. So download it. Download Punchout!!-Seru40 |