Somebody Call the Pound

As for A Dog of Flanders, the only real enjoyment it might provide is imagining how it would have worked as a “Simpsons” episode, since it’s difficult to repeat the title aloud without going “Flaaaan-drrrs.” This strange film is the fourth movie treatment of the beloved children’s story, set in early 18th century France/Belgium. which oddly first found international success in Japan, where it was also once turned into an animated mini-series. This unlikely amalgamation is adapted by infrequent director Kevin Brody (who cut his teeth back in the 70s doing things such as serving as assistant director on what is uniformly recognized as one of the worst movies ever, immortalized on “MST3K,” The Giant Spider Invasion), and stars Jon Voight as Michel La Grande (isn’t that what they call a Quarter Pounder over there?), a respected artist in a little town that worships Rubens (the artist who was fond of fleshy females, not Paul “Pee Wee” Reubens... although he has shown similar proclivities), along with several people you won’t likely recognize except for Cheryl Ladd (?) and the little girl from “Everybody Love Raymond” who answers the question, “Where did Smashmouth get their name?” This incarnation of the story is an insufferably melodramatic morality tale, complete with a little boy and his dog getting frozen in a Christmas blizzard before stumbling into a church, such as Mark Twain so pointedly loved to lampoon. Seriously, this is the kind of thing that, not even good enough for The Family Channel, turns up on PAX. And since the dog doesn’t even figure in it much, Animal Planet would probably pass on it -- or something -- too. F

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