The street was silent in the darkness. Buffy Summers rubbed her arms with cold hands, trying to stroke some heat into the numb flesh. A cold front had swept over Sunnydale overnight, baffling the weatherman, who wondered if there would be a reoccurrence of the snowfall, which had happened years ago.

blue like the winter snow in a full moon
black like the silhouette of the trees
late blooming flowers lie frozen underneath the stars
I want you, to remember me that way

As she gazed up ahead, instinctively searching in the shadows for possible vamps, she saw him walking toward her. They had agreed to meet in the center of town, after making a sweep for Darla and Drusilla. However both knew it would be a fruitless search. The lady vamps would make themselves known when they chose. They would not be hunted down.

"No sign huh?" he asked quietly when they reached each other and she shook her blonde head regretfully.

"Nope, not a one. Even paid Spike a visit. He didn't know, but I think he'll be going to find them."

They started walking back to the mansion, where Angel was staying for his sojourn in Sunnydale. "So," the vampire began slowly, "You and Spike…have gotten to be friends?"

Buffy laughed, and stepped over a branch that lay in their path. "You could say that I guess. He's got that nasty chip, so he can only fight demons. That's probably the only reason he hasn't tried to kill us all yet." She paused, considering. "In fact, that is the reason."

Angel smiled slightly and looked up at the moon, his alabaster skin glowing in the rich light. "Has there been any change with your mother?"

Buffy sighed, forcing herself to keep walking and show no expression. "No change. Still in a deep sleep. If she'd just wake up, then it'd be great."

He didn't answer, simply kept walking.

"I've been meaning to ask you," she began hesitantly as they neared the mansion. "How's Faith?"

If he was surprised, he didn't show it. "She's doing well. As well as can be in prison I guess. Healing, slowly. It's been ironically good for her…jail."

The Slayer nodded, thinking of her old friend. Her old enemy. The thought of Faith still hurt her, sent a pain through her belly, and up to her chest. It felt a little like poison. Or maybe like a knife in her back. She wasn't sure. Buffy didn't think of the other Slayer much. It was too hard. But when she did, she couldn't stop that over-whelming feeling of guilt from sweeping over her. She should have tried harder to save Faith, to reach her.

"You couldn't have helped her," Angel said softly, opening the door to the abandoned mansion, and ushering her inside. Buffy jerked with shock and walked up ahead of him into the huge room with the fireplace, studying the ashes with great concentration.

"I should have tried harder;" was all she uttered, in a dull voice. "Instead I tricked her, almost killed her. I stabbed her, Angel. She was my friend and I stuck a knife in her belly."

to save you

The words were unspoken, but they hung in the air, breathing between them, whipping around like a live wire. Tension in the room crackled, and Angel sighed heavily, sitting down at the hearth, placing some wood in the grate, and lighting a match. The flames danced, casting ghostly shadows across their faces.

"So how's Cordy?" Buffy asked, sitting down next to him, warming her cold flesh in front of the fire.

He smiled fondly, and she felt a rush of something akin to jealousy flow through her. "She's great…" he answered, looking past her, at the wall. And she knew that he wasn't at the mansion right now, he was thinking of LA, and his life there. "She and Wes, can't do without them now. We're like this little family. It's sickening," he chuckled and she forced a smile, wondering where the days had went where she had been his family.

"What about…" Buffy searched her memory for the name of the man she had met briefly. "What about Doyle? I think that was his name."

Angel's face tightened with a hint of pain. "He died. About a year ago, right after you came down to visit that time…yeah, it was hard. He and Cordy had gotten close. And he passed on these visions that he had , to her. She gets terrible headaches…I worry about her."

She didn't want to feel this way. Horribly jealous of his apparent feelings for Cordy. But she did. She couldn't help it. And she had no right to feel like she did. He had moved on, it was obvious, and she thought she had to. "I'm sorry about Doyle," she offered lamely and he looked at her with those dark eyes.

"It's not your fault. Just one of those things. He went out like a hero," Angel said bitterly, throwing another log on the fire, and Buffy watched the wood burn thoughtfully.

"Well…it's better to die a hero, than to die a coward," she quoted a line she had read n a book once. Those words had touched her. She could relate to them.

He nodded. "That's true. But probably everyone wishes they could be a coward once in a while."

She didn't answer that. How could she, when it was as if he was speaking the very thoughts she had kept hidden for so long? She didn't want to be a Slayer anymore. All she wanted was to be able to curl up beside her mother and make sure she was still alive, that she was still in that lifeless body somewhere. Buffy didn't want to have to worry about her sister being "the key"; didn't want to have to concern herself with that fucking bitch Glory, or with Dru and Darla being in town. Sometimes all she wanted was to lay down and sleep. But not just close her eyes and rest…she wanted to sleep the sleep of someone who didn't know that demons lurked in the darkness, someone who wasn't sure what a stake could do…who hadn't killed so many vampires they've lost count…someone who hadn't had their lover leave them. Someone who was innocent.

She sighed wearily, and hung her head a little. "How in the world have Dru and Darla been reunited anyway?"

Angel leaned back against the wall, stretching his tired muscles. "It's a long story."

"Give me the cliff's notes," she advised and he gave her his trademark half-smile.

"Okay…the abridged version…this law firm in LA brought Darla back. She started…" he hesitated and then plunged on, "coming into my dreams."

Buffy stiffened but said nothing, and he continued. "Anyway, I realized she was human. So I didn't have to stake her again." He looked relieved as he said it, and for the first time, Buffy realized how hard it must have been for him to stake her in the first place, way back when. She hadn't thought much of it at the time, as she had not understood the intense bond between a vampire and their sire. But now, she got it. And it was daunting.

"She was trying to become a vampire again, and I couldn't understand why, until she told me that she was dying. I guess she had syphilis before the Master turned her, and when she became human again- it came back. I went to this karaoke bar-"

"Excuse me? Karaoke?" she repeated, and stifled a laugh. "You in a karaoke bar? Somehow I can't see that."

He looked offended and arched an eyebrow at her. "Hey, there's a lot about me you don't know."

He had meant it to be light teasing, but it shot straight to her heart. But she bore it and shrugged. "I know. Continue, sorry."

"Anyway, there's this demon there that…well…if you sing, he can see into your soul. Give you answers. I got Darla to sing, and he…well he gave me an answer."

"Which was?" she asked, curious despite herself.

He gazed at her, as if trying to glean whether or not she could handle what he was about to say. "He told me about this trial…I could go through it and Darla would be granted humanity. There was three challenges. So, we went and I had to face this demon…then, a room full of crosses and holy water. So we got out and-"

She held up her hand. "Wait…you said there were three. What was the last one?"

He stared at her pensively, worriedly, and then closed his eyes. "The last one was that I had to die."

"What?" she exclaimed, "WHAT? Die?? Wow. Well, obviously you didn't do it. You're still here."

"Not exactly," he informed her.

"What do you mean? You're not all here or what?" she joked and he opened his eyes, gazing into the fire, studying the orange and red.

"No, I mean, that I accepted the challenge. I was going to die."

Buffy took that in, and felt a tear well in her eye. "You were going to die for her?" she asked painfully, turning slightly away from him.

Laying a hand on her arm, Angel replied, "Yes, I was."

"So you were willing to leave me…but you would die for her," Buffy choked out, shrugging off his hand, standing up and walking away from the warmth of the fire. She touched the stone wall, felt the coldness seep into her flesh once more. "Guess you must care for her very much." She couldn't bring herself to say 'love'. She just couldn't utter that word.

Angel stood up as well, but didn't approach her. "Yes, I do," he answered. "And it has nothing to do with you. You know that."

"I didn't think it did," she laughed without humour. It was a cold, dry sound. Not like her normal laugh. Not like warm sunlight, or a sweet melody. It was harsh, echoing off the walls like a cruel mockery. "I know nothing in your life has anything to do with me anymore."

He came closer, and she felt it, wanting to scream to him to stay back, because she was afraid she might scratch his eyes out, or hit him…or worse, let him hold her and take the pain away. "Did you think of me?" she asked in a small voice.

"When I thought I was going to die?" he inquired, then said simply, "Yes."

"Oh," she answered. That one word had said it all. She felt another tear settle into the corner of her eye and blinked it back. "So…what happened then?"

"The challenge was to accept death. Once I had accepted the fact that I was going to give my life for her's…they set me free. And they were going to help her. But since Wolfram and Hart had already brought her back, they couldn't. So she was resigned to die, and I was going to be with her throughout it. She was so strong," he smiled sadly, and Buffy's chest tightened with indescribable pain.

"Then Lindsey ruined everything. He's in love with Darla, you see, and he wanted her to live. Even as a vampire. So he brought Drusilla back…and she turned her. Right in front of me. I couldn't do anything, they had about five guys holding me back…" he trailed off and Buffy turned to look at him.

"I'm sorry," she murmured, and his head snapped up.

"Thank you."

"Your welcome," Buffy took a step towards him and reached out her hand, like he had done for her in the hospital. Surprise flitted over his features and then he laced his fingers through her's.

"It hurts," she said quietly. "When you can't help someone."

Angel nodded, bowing his head and squeezing her hand. "It does," he agreed, and they stood in the cold room, their hands joined, their hearts…alone.

Far away, I'll be calling, "will you wait for me here"
how long?
I don't know
Will you wait for me here
Still as the river grows in December
Silent and imperfect blinding eyes
Spring keeps her promises
No cold can keep her back
I want you to remember me that way

next