Sweat drips down my neck as I walk down the beach, in search of fresh water. The sand is so hot it burns my feet and I see red welts rising between my toes. Climbing clumsily over a large hill, I brush aside leaves and palm fronds, stepping down into small valley. My tank top is soaked and I grimace in distaste, licking my upper lip. It's so quiet here, the only sounds are the waves and the silence.

I remember when I went on a trip by myself after I left Angel that night. I took a bus and let my money run out. I didn't talk to anyone for days and found secluded beaches. I ran in the sand and thought I was healed. Everyone's naïve I guess.

I remember the way I would sleep in hostels and cheap hotels. The beds would be so uncomfortable that I had knots in my back for days afterwards. Sometimes I would get movies into the rooms on the TV. Usually comedies. One time they sent me porn by mistake. I didn't complain, just watched it, marvelling at all the different positions they could twist themselves into. I also wondered what the hell was so good about being fucked six ways from Sunday when it looked like the guy didn't care about anything but getting off himself.

Riley was always so preoccupied with if it was good for me. “Was it good Buffy? I want to seduce you, Buffy.” He might as well have just said, “I want to be Angel, Buffy. I want to make love to you like Angel did.” He would kiss me so tenderly and touch me so softly. It was like a whisper over my skin. It made me want to scream from frustration because he never went deeper. I never let him and he never tried.

He just didn't understand I guess. He just never got me. I used to dream of Angel and sometimes even Spike. I shudder to think that. But I did. I dreamed of Spike, of Angel, of Angelus. Of these men, these demons, being inside me and not treating me like something that was going to break. Riley thought I should be breakable. He thought I was a girl and forgot I was a Slayer.

Something catches my eye as I climb over a sugar loaf hill and into a small clearing. Leaves and blossoms brush my face as I walk down into the tiny valley and then see it again. A flash of silver. Praying it's fresh water of some kind, I pad down with my bare feet carefully over the soft grass and sharp rocks. One pierces my foot and suppressing a scream, I let out a “GOD DAMNIT”, sitting down.

Blood spurts into my hand as I hold my big toe and glance at the wound. It's red and weeping. My stomach heaves. I hate myself. I always so things like this. Stupid, Buffy. Looking before she leaps and ending up with a broken arm, or a sword in the shoulder or a stake to the stomach. Limping, I carefully make my way down an incline and see what I've been looking for. A small lake, emptying into a river some miles down. Craning my neck, I glance up and see the source, a water fall. Wow. What a paradise. My foot stings like hell and hobbling along, I manage to get to the beach.

“Angel!” I call. Parts of me hate playing the little woman calling for the big strong man. But the other parts are in pain and don't care. “ANGEL!!”

I slump to the sand and lay my head down. Blood spreads around my foot.

His shadow looms over me as I realize he heard me after all. With nimble fingers, he lifts me up and presses a kiss to my temple. He smells good. Like sweat and sun and salt. Looping my arms around his neck, I murmur inanely, “I stepped on a stupid rock.”

“I'm sure it was very stupid,” he agrees, walking back to our little camp with slow steps.

“Oh, and I found water. A lake and a waterfall and everything. We've got something to drink.”

He breathes a sigh of relief involuntarily. “Great. I guess you got wounded on the journey, though.”

“Well worth it,” I decide and ignore the woozy feeling spreading through me. Angel lays me down inside the shelter, away from the sun. His hands hold my foot and he inspects it, finally wrapping a large palm leaf around it.

“Just lie here for a while, love,” he whispers. “Sleep. It'll heal quickly.”

Obeying him, I close my tired burning eyes and let exhaustion sweep over me.

~~~

I dream of that night.

The last night Angel and I together. I can remember it so clearly sometimes. After I knocked him down and he toppled to the floor, staring up at me, I flayed him verbally. “It'll always be the same with you.” My arms were around my body protectively. I planned to walk away. How could I do anything but that?

He stood up then and reached out to me. His fingers interlaced with mine. “It won't be the same this time,” he told me firmly, tenderly, with that Angel smile and the look in his eyes that always made me weak. That time wasn't any different. And as he leaned down and kissed me, I thought how everything was falling. How my life was out of my control again.

He kissed me though and he tasted so good that I forgot everything else. He lifted me up and took me back to the mansion. His bed was still there, that we used to lie on and talk absentmindedly after patrol. There was no talk this time. His body was heavy as I lay underneath him and he tore off my clothes with fingers that bruised.

God, I remember everything. His mouth was so hot and so were his hands. My arms went around him tightly, crushing his weight to my slim body. I didn't want anything between us. No clothes, no air, no space. Just our skin, pressing against each other. I remember his lips between my thighs. His tongue filled me and I spread my legs as wide as I could. Be inside me, I thought, screamed, writhed. Just be inside me.

His hands reached up and held mine, our fingers locking. My mouth gasped wide as he slid into me and changed everything forever. His whole body shook, and his eyes were almost reverent. “My Buffy…” he groaned and for a second, my mind went blank.

If I wasn't Angel's Buffy, who was I? I'd never been anything but…his Buffy. Even when I was with Riley, it seemed everything came back to Angel. “I want to know what you felt…with Angel.”

His lips closed over mine and my panic subsided. As his pelvic bone grinded against mine, I whimpered and moaned like I'd never done before. He was making love to me, Angel was inside me. And it was all I'd ever wanted. He kissed me when he came and released his breath into my mouth. It tasted sweet, salty, like him and I felt my insides explode.

I dream of the way I felt when I woke up. I was sleeping underneath his arm, it's weight a satisfying pressure against my stomach. It felt warm and the skin under it was slightly sweaty. I remember standing up, shaking. Wanting to throw up. Who am I? Why am I suddenly allowed to be with him again? How can this be…it can't be. I can't be happy with him. No, no, no… Angel is pain. He'll leave and everything will be silent again.

So I left. With my clothes on and my hair brushed. I didn't leave anything behind and I didn't look back. It was as if I'd never been there.

~~~

“Buffy?”

Forcing my eyes open, I look up and see Angel, with the night sky behind him. Framed by the stars.

“Hi,” I murmur sleepily and stretch, sitting up. “Looks like I won't sleep tonight. Did any… planes or anything go by today?”

“No,” he says without any inflection in his voice. “But I left my watch reflecting off the sun again. Maybe…someone will see it.”

I nod and nudge closer to the fire, my foot stinging only slightly. “Is it ok?”

“Should be,” he answers and hands me a leaf full of water. With hungry lips I gulp it down. “Want to go… swimming tonight?”

I consider only for a moment. I'm dirty, sticky and bloody. “Sure,” I reply and he helps me up, holding my hand as we walk. In his other hand is a long branch lighted from the fire. It casts a strange glow as I lead him to where I found the small lake in the clearing.

Angel sits down on a rock by the water and leans back. “I won't look,” he murmurs almost teasingly and inexplicably I blush, turning away as I take off my tank top, bra, khakis and underwear. Sliding into the water, I dive down immediately and it feels so good that I almost moan with pleasure. The lake flows over my skin like liquid satin, caressing every curve and hollow.

“Nice?”

His voice is husky and I wonder if he is looking at me. I wonder if the torch lights up the water and makes it transparent. I wonder if he can see me. My flesh burns as I shudder a little and dive under again. “Great. Why… why don't you come in?”

I hear his intake of breath. Maybe he thinks that was a little too forward. How can I explain that I want him to come and kiss me and make this all a dream? How can I explain that I wish I could go back to the morning when I woke up and everything should have been perfect? How I yearn to erase all time since then and slide back underneath his arm, feel the weight of it against my belly. Maybe everything would be different. Maybe we would be married with 3.5 kids. Maybe we would still be lovers.

I just know I wouldn't feel so empty.

He was the only one who ever filled me. Angel filled me up and made me Buffy. He consumed me and changed my life forever. I could never be content if I wasn't in his arms. “Angel?” I say his name like I always do. Like a question that needs to be answered.

I hear a small splash and go still.

“Angel?”

And then his wet arms are around me, his mouth is crushing mine and we're kissing. I gasp and the water feels like its fire. He always burned me and I never had the sense to get away. I don't have any sense now either. I lean into him and press my naked flesh into his. His teeth knock into my swollen bottom lip that was split from the broken mirror. The skin breaks again and I moan with pain and pleasure, winding my arms around his shoulders.

“Buffy…” he pants against my mouth and rests his forehead against mine. He says my name wonderingly, like he never thought he would get to say it this way again. I feel the tears then. He shakes slightly and lifts me up, burying his face against my shoulder. Stunned as the salt drips down my neck, I rub the back of his trembling neck and murmur words that mean nothing.

The moon glows from the black sky and I feel as if we're on the edge of the world, about to fall off and be swept down into Hell.

And then sometimes I think we're already there.

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