Note: I own nothing.
<>Second note: This is not a sequel. It’s more of a rewrite of the first. Block out all knowledge of the first Link, the Annoyance Slayer fic.
Narrator: IN ANCIENT TIMES, THE EVIL MAGE TAJIRI, USING THE POWER OF THE RUNESTONES, UNLEASHED THE DEMON PIKACHU! (a flaming, gigantic Pikachu rises out of a pit) PIKACHU BROKE FREE OF TAJIRI’S CONTROL, CRUSHING HIM AND IMPRISONING HIS SOUL IN THE UNDERWORLD. HE THEN SCATTERED THE RUNESTONES SO THAT NEVER AGAIN WOULD THEY BE USED AGAINST HIM. NO ONE HAS DARED TRY. UNTIL NOW…
Pikachu: (running into a control room) What’re you doing!?
Teletubbie: I… uh… I was… uh…
Pikachu: Ever had your toenails chewed by someone other than you?
Tubbie: Please, no!
Pikachu: (with lightning flashing in the background, chews on the Tubbie’s toenails)
Tubbie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
THE INSANITY HAS BEGUN!
Chapter 1: AND SO IT BEGINS
Pikachu: (stops chewing Tubbie’s toenails) Hahaha! Very evil!
Tubbie: Oh… I’m so sorry, sir…
Pikachu: (slaps him) Shut up. Assemble with the others outside. It’s time for the morning exercises!
Tubbie: (Gets up) Yes, sir… (staggers outside)
Pikachu:
(walks outside of the
All: I solemnly swear to do all sorts of malicious acts! I will destroy countless innocence for no good reason! I realize that only senseless violence gets things done!
Pikachu: Two! (all Tubbies put their arms down) You!
Tubbie#2,443: (meekly) Yes?
Pikachu: You didn’t say the evil pledge evilly enough!
Tubbie#2,443: Forgive me!
All: (gasp)
Pikachu: The f-word! (goes ballistic) MERCY! DETERMINATION! KINDNESS! AFFECTION! VALOR! RESPECT!
All except Pikachu: (gasp)
Pikachu: (with much emphasis) LIGHT!
All except Pikachu: Holy heck!
TELEVISION BROADCAST
Tubbie Reporter: The populace was surprised today to hear President Pikachu, a Democrat, cuss out a soldier. (picture of Tubbie #2,443 appears) Tubbie #2,443 was accused of not saying the evil pledge evilly enough. As a result, he was forced to listen to a tape of Kelly Ripa laughing. (footage rolls)
Tubbie #2,443: (gagged and listening to tape) MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
Reporter: He was then forced to play Rygar. (footage rolls)
Tubbie #2,443: (playing Rygar) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Reporter: After which he had an honorable release. (footage rolls)
Tubbie #2,443: (shoots himself)
Reporter: Now on to Sports with Tubbie #9,753!
Tubbie #9,753: Thank you. There was a great match of Baseball Bat Boxing. Tubbie #3,579 managed to bite off #2,468’s ear, even if Tubbies don’t have ears! After which he beat the trash out of 2,468, resulting in the third fatality today! But don’t worry, folks, the ring will be red after a few more matches!
ANNOYANCE HQ
Pikachu: Hmm… What does the Incredibly Evil Wheel of Conquer say today? (spins wheel. After a while, it lands on Hyrule) Ah, yes, Hyrule. Looks like that’s my next land to take over!
Random Tubbie: What do you mean, “next”? You’ve never successfully conquered a land!
Pikachu: (shoots Random Tubbie) Shut up! Mommy said it was my destiny! (Pikachu somehow manages to remember his birth date. The flashback begins. The hospital is on fire, and everyone is screaming. Pikachu jumps about, eating the doctors, nurses, patients, etc.)
Pikachu’s Mom: Yes, honey. KILL THEM ALL! (Pikachu kills them all. His mother hands him a teddy bear, which he begins to hug) Here’s your bear. His name is Pooky. But always remember your destiny, my son, to destroy Hyrule! (flashback fades away)
Pikachu: (into walkie-talkie) Send a spy to Hyrule!
Random Tubbie #1: Yes, sir! Right away, sir! Affirmative, sir! No problem, sir! No problemo, sir! I’ll get right to it, sir! Fair enough, sir! Sure, sire! Why not, sir! Of course, sir!
Pikachu: And so it begins… VERY EVIL!!! (laughs very evilly)
HYRULE MARKET
Singers Dressed in Bean Costumes: (singing to the tune of “We Three Kings”) We three beans from Orient are advertising to you from afar! Beans forever, ceasing ne-e-ver to bring you great flavor! Ooooooooooooooh-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
Director: Cut! Print! That’s a wrap!
Actor: I’m stuck in my costume! (the actor’s father walks up. He is bald, clean-shaven, and is wearing a Karate outfit)
Father: Son, you ARE the costume…
Actor: Noooooooo! (begins to cry) Father, tell me it’s not true!
Father: I am sorry, my son…
Link: (lying on a hill and relaxing) This is the life… Huh? (looks up to see a Tubbie carrying a briefcase walking up to him)
Tubbie: Hi! I’m a spy for the Annoyances, the people trying to kill you and all who you love! Would you mind if I ask a few questions, have a look around, and take a few pictures?
Link: (stares at the Tubbie for a second, then punches him) Yes.
Tubbie: OW! Thank you for your time! (begins to walk off, stops, and pulls out a piece of paper) Wait… hold on… (reads it) “If you meet any resistance, annihilate it.” Ohhhhhh… I get it! (turns back to Link) Okay, here’s the deal. I’m supposed to kill you… (glances at the note) Yeah, kill you, that’s right… (glances at it again) Yeah… So, I guess we should get started… (jumps at Link)
Link: (steps to the side, dodging the Tubbie)
Tubbie: (crashes into the ground and dies)
Link: (looks at the corpse and ponders exactly what happened just then)
ANNOYANCE HQ
Pikachu: Dang it, it didn’t work! Wait, how do I know that? I wasn’t there! Never mind, probably has something to do with being the evil mastermind. Maybe I should try a better spy… If only one would be at The Evil Door…
Tubbie #3,645: (runs in) Sir, someone’s at the door!
Pikachu: (angrily) What did you call it!?
Tubbie #3,645: (gulps)
Pikachu: It’s The EVIL Door! (throws Tubbie #3,645 out the window)
Tubbie #3,645: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (falls past Tubbie #9,087, who happens to be hanging outside washing windows)
Tubbie #9,087: (stares at #3,645, eyes twitching)
Pikachu: That takes care of that! (remembers that someone is at The Evil Door) I shall use the Elevator of Pure Evil! (walks to the Elevator of Pure Evil, and notices a sign that reads, “OUT OF ORDER”) Ha! It is merely a trick for would-be heroes! (forces door open and walks inside, immediately falling) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! (slams into the ground)
Tubbie #3,056: Are you all right, sir?
Pikachu: Shut up. Don’t say a word.
Tubbie #3,056: (chuckles)
Pikachu: (stares at 3,056 for a second, then punches his fist straight into the Tubbie’s body)
Tubbie #3,056: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Pikachu: (raises the body in the air, holds it up for a second, then throws it on the ground. He then walks to the door, stepping on the corpse. He opens the door) Hello? (he sees a Hylian with a black beard, wearing a purple tunic standing there) Who are-
Hylian: I AM ERROR.
Pikachu: So you won’t spy for me, right?
Error: ERROR.
Pikachu: You will! Great! But you’ll fail, right?
Error: ERROR.
Pikachu: Excellent! You won’t take notes of all that you find out, right?
Error: ERROR.
Pikachu: Great! Now go!
LATER
Pikachu: (to Error, who has just returned) You’re back! You didn’t find out anything useful, right?
Error: ERROR.
Pikachu: Awesome! (reads the note)
Note: ERROR
ERROR ERROR. I AM ERROR.
ERROR. ERROR. ERROR. I AM ERROR.
Pikachu: (screams) The heck is this? Who do you think you are?
Error: I AM ERROR.
Pikachu: Dyaaaaaaaaaaa! Curse you!
Error: I AM ERROR.
Pikachu: (kills Error) Grr…….
Tubbie
#5,187: Couldn’t you send a force to
Pikachu:
(silent for a second) I just got a perfectly evil idea! I could send a
force to
Tubbie #5,187: But, sir! I-
Pikachu: Silence! (shoots Tubbie #5,187)
(We
see the sands of
Barney: Tubbies! Forward! Show no mercy! (Tubbies march forward) Uh, guys? The fortress is that way! (Tubbies stop, about-face, and marches in that direction)
FEW MINUTES LATER
Random Gerudo: Sire, we are under attack!
Ganondorf: (grabs his large, heavy sword) Let’s kick butt, then! (he steps into the hallway. Screams of pain, sounds of swords clashing, and for some, unbeknownst reason, the sound of a music box is echoing down the halls. Ganondorf sees that Tubbies are all over the place) What the heck!? (elbows one in the face, knocking it to the ground. He than stabs it)
Random Gerudo: I see you’ve been playing “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” lately!
Ganondorf: Gotta love that GameCube! (Ganondorf continues fighting, slaying Tubbies mercilessly. He takes a few scratches, but not much. Eventually, the battle is outside. Ganondorf is at the top of the fortress)
Barney: Ah, now I see him! Fatlings, attack! (Fat, seventh grade boys waddle towards the fortress. Four make it to the top, but the others are killed by their own stupidity and obesity)
Ganondorf: By the grace of Din, why!? (kicks a Fatling in the face, then stabs him. He kicks another off the roof)
Fatling #3: Blooerp! (3 and 4 tackle Ganondorf, hugging him tightly)
Ganondorf: No!
Fatling #4: You can’t rethitht uth! Eat thith! (shoves a Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut into Ganondorf’s mouth)
Ganondorf: Blrrb! (swallows it) Ah… that was good… Can I- (realizes what he’s saying) Wait, no!
Fatling #3: And another! (shoves another doughnut into Ganondorf’s mouth)
Ganondorf: (swallows it) I… must resist…
Fatling #4: More! (shoves five doughnuts into Ganondorf’s mouth)
Ganondorf: Mmmmmmm! (swallows it. He realizes how fat he is becoming) No! No more! Too… sweet… So… good… yum…
Fatling #3: One more to theal your doom! (holds a doughnut high in the air. Lightning flashes in the background)
Random Gerudo: No! (kicks the Fatlings off of Ganondorf)
Fatling #3: (waves doughnut in the air) Do you want it? It’th tathety!
Random Gerudo: Well… (looks closely at the doughnut) One couldn’t hurt…
Ganondorf: NO! DON’T DO IT! (grabs Fatling #3 and throws him off the roof of the fortress. 3 dies after a few bounces)
Fatling #4: (notices that Ganondorf’s binder is lying there for some odd reason. He gets a lustful look on his face) Yeth… binder tho hot… (begins to caress the binder)
Ganondorf: Ack! (stabs Fatling #4)
Random Gerudo: (notices how fat Ganondorf is) Sire, your weight! I’ll help you! Stand next to the wall! (Ganondorf stands next to the wall)
Ganondorf: (eyes grow large as the Random Gerudo raises a sledge hammer) Wait!
Random Gerudo: This won’t hurt a bit! (slams Ganondorf in the stomach with the sledge hammer)
Ganondorf: (vomits seven doughnuts) Ah… thank you.
Random Gerudo: (smiles) My pleasure.
Barney: Dang it! Tubbie Wizard, strike!
Tubbie Wizard: (teleports to Ganondorf) Hello, Ganondorf! Prepare to only speak Internet speech! (casts a spell on Ganondorf)
Ganondorf: WTF? BTW, your magic stinks. They’re nothing wrong with me! LOL!
Tubbie Wizard: Yes, it worked!
Ganondorf: What worked? Ah, i don’t care about u. Taste teh floor! (slams the Tubbie Wizard into the ground and kills him. The spell wears off) That’s better. (looks at the Random Gerudo) You!
Random Gerudo: (suddenly snaps back into reality) Yes, sire?
Ganondorf: Why didn’t you do anything that whole fight?
Random Gerudo: Because the Author didn’t make me.
Ganondorf: What?
Random Gerudo: (very seriously) The great one, known as the Author, rules all in this known universe. We are his pawns. He controls everything we do. That is why I did not move.
Ganondorf: What!?
Random Gerudo: Upon a machine that he considers a piece of junk does he control the events of the universe.
Ganondorf: Um…
Random Gerudo: I sense his power is about to manifest itself.
Ganondorf: (suddenly transported to Barney) WHAT THE HECK!?
Random Gerudo: (falling to her knees and shouting, her arms in the air) GREAT ONE! (bows in humility and respect)
Barney: Wuh huh huh! (turns to a bunch of kids) Now kids, I’ll give you examples of some things I’ve taught you! Can you guess what they are?
Timmy: Necromancy?
Barney: Right!
Billy: Crimes against humanity?
Barney: Right-o!
Sally: Killing countless innocence?
Barney: Of course!
Jack: Magazines that adults like to read?
Barney: Sadly, no… (shoots Jack)
Jill: Drinking, smoking, and getting high?
Barney: #### yeah! (empties a bottle of crack into his mouth) YEAH, BABY! (jumps fifty feet in the air) WHOO! (lights up a cigarette and begins to smoke) BOO-YAH! (begins to empty a bottle of beer into his mouth, but it hits the cigarette and blows him up) WAAAAAAAAAAA!
Ganondorf: Ah, man! I wanted to fight him! Why couldn’t I?
Random Gerudo: GREAT ONE! THOU HATH SHOWN THY POWER ONCE MORE! (bows again) HIS POWER COMETH AGAIN! (all of the enemy forces die. Gerudo begin cheering)
Ganondorf: (just sits there, mouth open, eyes wide, pondering what the heck is going on)
ANNOYANCE BASE
Pikachu: Ah! Hello again, you sniveling pile of dog snot! Sure, it’s the end of the chapter, but of course the incredibly evil guy HAS to appear! Very evil! (laughs very evilly)
Pikachu: (wearing a white wig and black robes) Order in the court! Bring out the defendant!
Tubbie #7,934: (walks out with two police officers, wearing an orange outfit and handcuffed) Don’t I get a lawyer?
Pikachu: Heck, no! Anyway, let’s cut to the chase! You were caught reading The Giver by Lois Lowry! You know that you can only read cruddy books here in the Annoyances!
Tubbie #7,934: But… I wanted to know what our enemies were reading…
Pikachu: Excuses, excuses. If you wanted something to read, then why didn’t you read House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros?
Tubbie #7,934: I-I wanted to read something that had an actual plot, a good story, and made use of quotation marks!
Pikachu: You know that good stories are forbidden in books that Annoyances read! Another obvious choice you had was The Pearl by John Steinbeck!
Tubbie #7,934: But it just goes on about a freakin’ pearl! It’s also chockfull of dumb songs for every occasion!
Pikachu: I like having the songs in that book!
Tubbie #7,934: But you can’t even hear them!
Pikachu: Silence for a second! The Song of Sitting and Discussing the Absolute Horror of The Pearl is playing in my head! (sits there for a second) Okay, it’s done. Another choice in our library: The Call of the Wild! An excellent story, I must say! Very evil in different respects!
Tubbie #7,934: But it’s a Mary Sue at the end!
Pikachu: Ha! I’m sure!
Tubbie #7,934: I’m not lying! If you notice, Buck was the only one to sense the danger when they are about to leave John Thornton’s cabin! Then, he broke one thousand pounds of stuff out of the ice and carried it one hundred yards! After that, he took out an entire tribe of Indians, then took out and led a wolf pack! Then, he goes down as a legend! How can you not call this a Mary Sue? (murmuring in the crowd)
Pikachu: Shut up! You have said enough! You’re guilty! (slams his head on the desk) GUILTY!
Tubbie #7,934: But what about the jury?
Pikachu: I gassed them while we were talking! (he points to the jury, full of Tubbies with lifeless faces) You are sentenced to an immediate honorable release! (a police officer hands Tubbie #7,934 a .9 mm pistol) You know what to do…
Tubbie #7,934: (a tear runs down his cheek. He presses the barrel against his head, and squeezes the trigger)
Pikachu: Well, that settles it then. (slams his head on the desk) Get outta here!
OUTSIDE THE COURTROOM
Spongebob: Sir! (walks up to Pikachu)
Pikachu: What is it, General Spongebob?
Spongebob:
Our invasion force at
Pikachu: … How bad are the losses?
Spongebob: Frankly sir, we got our ###es kicked…
Pikachu: I see… You are dismissed… (Spongebob leaves) Hmm… I think I’ll read some info about Hyrule and learn more about it…
LATER- OUTSIDE OF PIKACHU’S ROOM
Tubbie #8,024: (steps into the room to find Pikachu reading and crying) Sir?
Pikachu: Oh… this line… so evil that it moves me to tears… Here, I’ll read it to you… “She's just like a doorknob, everybody's had a turn!” (sniffs) Isn’t it so evil?
Tubbie #8,024: (tears well up in his eyes, but he wipes them away) What are you reading?
Pikachu: A Collection of Zelda Fan Fiction by Kasuto of Kataan. Why?
Tubbie #8,024: Didn’t you order the death of a soldier this morning for reading something good?
Pikachu: Yes, why?
Tubbie #8,024: Just wondering. (starts to leave, but the door automatically closes and locks) Wha-?
Pikachu: (grins evilly) No one will ever know what you saw! (senseless violence begins)
LATER- AT THE EVIL THRONE ROOM
Pikachu: What news from the gaming world?
Elmo: Well, O Evil One, Bowser has captured Princess Peach.
Pikachu: Again? Let me guess, Mario and Luigi saved her.
Elmo: Actually, they threw a party and invited Bowser over to join in it.
Pikachu: Well, that’s different.
Elmo: None of them noticed that Yoshi sneaked off and assassinated Peach. Pretty gruesomely, too.
Pikachu: Never knew he had it in him.
Elmo: Let’s see, Lara Croft is STILL worse than Indiana Jones.
Pikachu: How dare you say that! We’re EVIL, remember?
Elmo: I’m just saying it from the people’s point of view! It’s not my point of view! I enjoy movies with ugly women with implants grabbing knives by the blade!
Pikachu: Ah, yes. Continue.
Elmo:
Mega Man’s
Pikachu: Why?
Elmo: They used the Battle Network look.
Pikachu: Yes… very evil… Continue.
Elmo: Yes, you see that (continues talking, but Pikachu is paying attention to the cameras. He sees a male and female Tubbie kissing each other)
Pikachu: Shut up, fool! (grabs a walkie-talkie) Sniper #3,443, there is a PDA in your area!
Sniper Tubbie: I copy that. (aims at the couple and fires, shooting the male through the back of the neck)
Male Tubbie: AAAA! Sally, run!
Female Tubbie: Johnny!
Sniper Tubbie: They’re using names, over.
Pikachu: Kill them!
Sniper Tubbie: I copy that. (shoots female)
Female Tubbie: AAA!
Pikachu: I hate public displays of affection… (looks at the cameras and see that there is a PDA at the nuclear testing site) Huh? Another PDA? (flips the cover off of a set of buttons) Well, not for long! (presses multiple buttons, launching a nuclear missile) There we go.
Elmo: Kirby has quit his television show, which I don’t blame him for.
Pikachu: What!? YOU DO NOT SUPPORT OUR CAUSE!
Elmo: But I- (Pikachu pounces and rips out Elmo’s jugular with his teeth) AAAAAAA!
HYRULE FIELD
Field Tubbie #1: Hey… what are we doing here?
Snow White: We’re scouting the area, you fool! Whistle while you scout!
Field Tubbie #2: But I don’t wanna-
Snow White: WHISTLE, YOU FOOL, OR I SHALL SING!
Field Tubbies 1-6: AAAA! (begin whistling)
(during this time, Link and Zelda happen to be taking a stroll through the field)
Link: What the heck!?
Snow White: ATTACK!
Zelda: (turns into Sheik, except that she retains a female figure, keeps her eye and skin color, has two short swords, and has the hood down. During this time, Ganondorf happens to be taking a stroll through the field)
Ganondorf: Not again… (draws his sword)
Snow White: (stands back and watches the fight)
Field Tubbie #1: DIE! (attacks Link)
Link: (slashes him across the chest and stabs him)
Field Tubbie #2: (attacks Zelda)
Zelda: (punches it multiple times, her fists a blur. She then jumps and does a twirling kick)
Field Tubbie #3: (attacks Ganondorf)
Ganondorf: (clubs him with the hilt of his sword, then stabs the Tubbie)
Field Tubbies 4-6: (look at what happened to their comrades) Right! (honorably release themselves)
Snow White: Huh? (looks at Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf) Ah, I see…
Link: Ready to give up?
Snow White: Ha! I’m strong! I live with seven men!
Ganondorf: That’s just sick.
Snow White: Shut up!
Zelda: Who are you working for, anyway?
Snow White: (everything grows dark, and flames rise in the background. A choir can be heard singing in the background) I AM FROM THE ANNOYANCES! WE ARE LED BY PIKACHU! WE WILL DESTROY HYRULE! (everything goes back to normal)
Ganondorf: Hey, that’s my role!
Link and Zelda: (roll their eyes)
Link: And your point is?
Snow White: Um… SHUT UP! (sprouts another set of arms and voice begins to deepen) You (sprouts a tail) will (sprouts demonic looking wings) pay (teeth grow and sharpen) dearly! (eyes turn red)
Zelda: (hits Demon Snow White once)
Demon Snow White: AAA! YOU BROKE MY NAIL! (grabs Zelda and opens her mouth, showing her incredibly sharp teeth)
Zelda: (pokes Demon Snow White in the eye)
Demon Snow White: AAAA!
John Grimm (AKA the Doom guy): (appears out of nowhere and shoots Demon Snow White with a shotgun)
Demon Snow White: (retaliates with a fireball, but misses)
Ganondorf: Hey!
Link: Yo!
Zelda: This isn’t Phobos!
Grimm: (looks around, salutes the three, then leaves through a Gate)
Demon Snow White: AAAA! HE SHOT ME! HE SHOT ME! Wait, wasn’t he-
Link: The Doom guy?
Demon Snow White: O.O (explodes, blood landing everywhere)
Ganondorf: Is that her skeleton?
Link: So it is…
Zelda: Wait, why did you help?
Random Gerudo: (shouting from a distance) GREAT ONE!
Ganondorf: (to Gerudo) SHUT UP! (to Link and Zelda) Well, we were attacked by the Annoyances earlier, then I saw these dudes in the field and decided to take them out.
Link: Hmm… Maybe we should head to the base and defeat Pikachu.
Zelda: Well, yeah, but that wasn’t a very dramatic way of saying it.
Link: I know, but this fanfic needs to get a move on. (to Ganondorf) You coming with us?
Ganondorf: (thinks a second) Hmm… Ah, fine. It worked in Super Mario RPG. (Link and Ganondorf shake hands)
Zelda:
Spiffy.
The
Legend of Zelda and its characters are copyright Nintendo.
No infringment is intended.