Link: Two rooms, please.
Man: Uh, yeah, 2,000 rupees, please.
Zelda: What!?
Ganondorf: (pulls his sword out part way)
Man: (sees the sword) Uh, 20! Just leave me alone!
Link: That’s better. (hands him a red rupee)
Ganondorf: (puts his sword back)
ANNOYANCE BASE
Pikachu: What!?
Spongebob: You didn’t hear me? I’ll explain it again. Three Tubbies were killed by Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf. The other three honorably released themselves. Snow-
Pikachu: Shut up! I heard you!
Spongebob: But you said-
Pikachu: (throws Spongebob to the floor, pulls out a .9 mm, then shoots him) I can’t think of anything evil to do right now, except… (grabs a telephone) #1! Ship out the Annoyance merchandise! (no response) #1! #1? (dials a number)
Tubbie #1: This is #1.
Pikachu: #1! Ship out the Annoyance merchandise!
Tubbie #1: Yes, sir!
Pikachu: (laughs very evilly)
LATER,
AT THE
Ganondorf: Oh, wow. Karaoke Night at the bar tonight. Hmm…
5 MINUTES LATER…
Link: (singing to the tune of Smash Mouth’s “All Star”) A fairy once told me the tree wanted to see me!
I need to get a bit of mon-ay!
I thought she was kinda dumb just to think that she could come right in to my house on this day.
Well, the Scrubs start comin’ and they don’t stop comin’!
Appeared near me and I hit the ground runnin’!
Never made sense to run from a nut.
It may look dumb, but it is not.
So much to do, so much to see
So what’s wrong with seein’ the tree?
You’ll never know if you don’t go.
You’ll never shine if you don’t glow.
Hey now! You’re a Kok’ri! Get your stuff out! Go play!
Hey now! You’re a hero! Get your weapons! Go save!
And fight ‘til Ganon is gone!
Only Light Arrows will bring ‘im down!
Zelda: It’s a cruel world, and this say it gets crueler.
I’m safe right now, but wait ‘til I get older.
But if things are going to differ,
Judgin’ by the hole in Ganondorf’s picture.
The ice I skate is getting pretty thin.
The water’s getting warm, so I might as well swim.
The village is on fire, how about yours?
This ain’t the way I like it but I’ll never get bored.
Hey now! You’re a princess! Get your hair done! Go rule!
Hey now! You’re a Sage! Get the Triforce! Save Hyrule!
Link and Zelda: And fight ‘til Ganon is gone!
Link: Only Light Arrows will bring ‘im down! (insert musical interlude)
Zelda: Hey now! You’re a princess! Get your hair done! Go rule!
Link: Hey now! You’re a hero! Get your weapons! Save Hyrule!
Link and Zelda: And fight ‘til Ganon is gone!
Link: Only Light Arrows-
Ganondorf: Somebody once asked could I spare some change for force.
I need to get a bit of power.
I said, “Yep. What a concept. I could use a little force myself and we could all use a little change.”
Well, Link starts comin’ and he don’t stop comin’,
Headin’ towards me. Why am I runnin’?
Never made sense to run from a boy.
I think I’ll make a ghost decoy.
So much to do, so much to see,
So what’s wrong with cursin’ the tree?
I’ll never know if I don’t go!
Link: Go!
Ganondorf: I’ll never shine if I don’t glow!
Hey now! You’re a Ger’do! Get your crown on! Go rule!
Hey now! You’re a sorc’er! Get the Triforce! Take Hyrule!
Link and Zelda: And fight ‘til Ganon is gone!
Ganondorf: I will take both of you down!
Link and Zelda: And fight ‘til Ganon is gone!
Ganondorf: I will take both of you down! (audience cheers and throws Rupees)
1 HOUR LATER…
Link: Zelda, I still can’t believe you got up and sang “Goldfinger”!
Zelda: Neither can I, Link. Neither can I.
Ganondorf: (yawns)
Zelda: (kisses Link)
Ganondorf: (rolls his eyes)
Zelda: Goodnight, Link. (smiles at him, then goes to her room. Link and Ganondorf enter their room)
Ganondorf: (looks at Link, who has a big grin on his face. Ganondorf thinks for a little bit, then goes into the bathroom. He comes back out and dumps a bucket of ice water on Link. The grin disappears)
Link: Hey!
Ganondorf: Ancient Gerudo remedy, kid.
Link: (wringing out his hat) What idiot thought of that!?
Ganondorf: Trust me, kid. When you’re surrounded by hundreds of scantily clad women, and you’re the only male, you need it every day, every hour.
Link: (yawns, then goes and changes into dry clothing. He comes back out and collapses on his bed. Ganondorf turns out the light, then collapses on his own bed. They both fall asleep)
Note: I own nothing.
INN- 1:00 AM
Ganondorf: (snores loudly)
Link: (groans and wraps his pillow around his ears)
INN- 2:00 AM
Ganondorf: (sleepwalks out the room)
INN-
2:
Link: (wakes up and notices Ganondorf isn’t there) Huh? (walks out and notices that the door to Zelda’s room is open) Oh, no… (grabs his sword and runs in. Zelda is still asleep, and Ganondorf is sitting next to her) Ganondorf?
Ganondorf: (still asleep) I can sense this girl’s dreams… Oceans… Oceans… Oceans… Oceans… Nothing but a vast sea as far as the eye can see. (stands up)
Link: Um…
Ganondorf: My country lay within a vast desert. By day, the wind blew the sand, scorching the land. By night, a chilling gale pierced our homes. Every day, the wind brought the same thing: death. But for the lush green lands of Hyrule, the wind brought something different. I coveted that wind, I suppose. It can only be- (wakes up) Wait, where am I? (thinks for a second) Oh, yeah. (walks back to his and Link’s room and falls asleep)
Link: (stands there for a second, then closes Zelda’s door, walks back to his room, and falls asleep)
INN- 4:38 AM
Ganondorf: (does the disco in his sleep)
INN- 4:41 AM
Ganondorf: (does the robot in his sleep)
INN- 4:50 AM
Ganondorf: (does the sprinkler in his sleep)
INN- 4:56 AM
Ganondorf: (lies down on the floor and stays there)
INN GIFT SHOP- 11:00 AM
Link: (notices a section of merchandise he’s never seen before) What’s all this stuff?
Employee: We just got that today. From some group called “The Annoyances”.
Link: Ah. (Link, Ganondorf, and Zelda all start checking out the Annoyance merchandise)
Ganondorf: (picks up a copy of “The Annoyance Journal”) An annoying newspaper? Let’s see… Geez, all the articles are about the ending of Ocarina of Time, getting the Triforce in Ocarina of Time, how to get the Running Man to do something special, heck, there’s even one on why Link and Malon are meant to be together!
Link and Zelda: What!?
Ganondorf: Let’s see… Because of the name similarities between Marin and Malon? Gimme a break. Cremia was hitting on Link because she told him her problems and hugged him? Geez, she didn’t have anybody else to talk to besides her sister, who would probably not handle that information too well. Evidently Link felt “warm and fuzzy” inside when Cremia hugged him… (laughs)
Link: I was ten, and she was at least seventeen! Of course I’d enjoy it! (looks at Zelda) Uh.. I mean… (blushes)
Zelda: (laughs)
Ganondorf: Liked the idea that the fairy queen liked him? What guy doesn’t enjoy being liked by a girl!? Anyway, enough trash… comics, comics… where are the- Here they are! (looks at them for a second) Aw, man! It’s just Family Circus, Marmaduke, and all those soap opera pieces of junk!
Link: Hmm… Pokemon and Yu-gi-Oh! cards galore. Gag me. Anime out the wazoo.
Zelda: Oh, dear. “Collection of Star Fox Erotica”. Why do naked animals turn on people?
Link: What a sad world we live in.
Zelda: Hey, what’s this? (picks up a CD) “The Sounds of ‘The Legend of Zelda’”. (scans into the preview thingy and puts on the headphones)
Pikachu’s voice: Thank you for choosing Annoyance Music, you sniveling pile of dog snot! (headphones tighten)
Zelda: What the heck!?
Pikachu’s voice: Now shut up and listen to this very evil song! (a medley of the “you’re dying” beeping noises from the Zelda series starts playing)
Zelda: (screams and tries desperately to get the headphones off, but to no avail. The louder she screams, the louder the volume of the “song”) Help me! Please, help me! (falls to the floor, horribly weakened)
Link: Zelda! (grabs the headphones and tries to pull them off, but can’t) Dang it!
Ganondorf: Here! (stabs the CD Preview thingy. The song stops and the headphones loosen. Link gets them off and Ganondorf sheathes his sword)
Employee: Dude, that’s 20,000 Rupees!
Ganondorf: (pulls his sword out partway)
Employee: (sees the sword) Uh… 2 Rupees! Yeah! 2!
Ganondorf: (sheathes his sword and gives the employee two Rupees)
Link: Are you okay?
Zelda: (whimpers)
Link: (picks her up and heads back to her room, Ganondorf coming along)
ANNOYANCE HQ
Pikachu: (looking at a computer screen) Ah! Zelda was listening to that! It seems that Link is my main problem!
Ash: But didn’t Ganondorf-
Pikachu: Shut up! (Tubbie #4,981 runs in) Yes?
Tubbie #4,981: Sir, we just figured it out! y = mx + b!!!
Pikachu: Hmm… (sits there for a second) Kill him. (guards surround Tubbie #4,981)
Ash: AAAAAAA!!! THEY JUST RIPPED OUT HIS RIGHT CLAVICLE AND ARE NOW BEATING HIM WITH IT! THEY SUCKED OUT HIS VEINS! HIS ARTERIES ARE GONE! HIS EYES HAVE IMPLODED! HIS SPLEEN HAS BEEN TURNED INSIDE OUT! HIS INTESTINES HAVE BEEN FOLDED INTO THE SHAPE OF A BALLOON DOG! HIS BOWELS ARE COMING OUT HIS EARS! HIS BILE IS COMING OUT HIS NOSE! HIS PUS IS COMING OUT HIS TOENAILS! HIS HEART HAS EXPLODED! HIS BRAIN HAS MELTED! HIS-
Pikachu: Shut up! We’ll be eating good tonight!
Ash: Ha ha ha!
Pikachu: (punches Ash) Only I am allowed to do the evil laugh!
Ash: Sorry.
Pikachu: About Link…
Ash: Yeah. What are you supposed to do? Kill Link?
Pikachu: (grinning) Precisely…
Ash: Oh?
Pikachu: (music starts playing as he jumps from his seat. Geysers at his sides shoot out gas) I never thought Tubbies essential
They’re crude and unspeakably plain
But maybe they’re a glimmer of potential
If allied to my vision and brain.
(singing) I know that your powers of retention
Are as wet as a Zora’s backside.
But thick as you are- (to Ash) Pay attention!
My words are a matter of pride.
It’s clear from your vacant _expression
The lights are not all on upstairs
But we’re doing Hyrule’s succession
Even you can’t be caught unawares!
So prepare for a chance of a lifetime
Be prepared for sensational news
A shining new era is tiptoeing nearer.
Ash: And where do we feature?
Pikachu: Just listen to teacher.
I know it sounds sordid,
But you’ll be rewarded
When at last I am given my dues
And injustice deliciously squared
Be prepared!
Ash: Oh, be prepared! I love being prepared! For what?
Pikachu: For the death of Link!
Ash: Why, is he sick?
Pikachu: No, fool, we’re going to kill him! Zelda, too.
Ash:
Great idea! Who needs Link? No Link! No
Link! La lala la laa laaaa!
Pikachu: Exactly! And I’ll rule Hyrule!
Tubbies: (goose-stepping) It’s great that we’ll soon be connected
With a king who’ll be all-timed adored!
Pikachu: Of course, quid pro quo, you’re expected
To take certain duties on board
The future is littered with prizes
And though I’m the main addressee
The point I must emphasize is
You won’t get a sniff without me!
So prepare for the coup of the century!
Be prepared for the murkiest scam!
Meticulous planning
Tenacity spanning
Decades of denial
Is simply why I’ll
Rule Hyrule undisputed
Respected, saluted
And seen for the wonder I am!
Yes, my fists and ambitions are bared
Be prepared!
Ash and Tubbies: Yes, our fists and ambitions are bared!
All: BE PREPARED!!!
Pikachu: Ah, that was fun. Go kill Link, little people. (Navi and her squad of Tubbies head out) Very evil! (laughs very evilly)
Link: (setting Zelda on her bed) Are you okay?
Zelda: (whimpers)
Ganondorf: (looking out the window) Uh, Link? We’ve got problems.
Link: (looks out the window to see Tubbies and Navi) Navi? Oh, wow. She’s in the Annoyances. I’m not surprised.
Ganondorf: (draws his sword)
Link: (draws his sword) Okay, you go and take out as many as you can. I’ll stay here and protect Zelda.
Ganondorf: Gotcha. (dumps ice water on Link again)
Link: Hey!
Ganondorf: Just in case. (runs out into the hall)
OUTSIDE
Navi: (sees Link in the second story window and points at him) Hey! Look! Listen! (a Tubbie sets up a ladder outside the window, and five climb up, swords on their backs. Ten run to the door)
Link: (hears the window break open and runs to it. He slashes a Tubbie multiple times then kicks him out the window. The Tubbie falls into another Tubbie on the ladder, knocking him down as well. Link kicks down the ladder)
Ganondorf: (charges two Tubbies and stabs them both)
Link: (sees a Tubbie come into the room)
Navi: Watch out!
Link: (stabs the Tubbie)
Navi: (to the three Tubbies still outside) Try to keep moving! (the Tubbies run around in circles)
Ganondorf: (is slashed at by a Tubbie, but he ducks and stabs it. He stabs through a door and hears a Tubbie scream)
Navi: Hey! Watch out! (two Tubbies run into each other and die. The third one jumps through Zelda’s window. It draws its sword)
Link: (attacks it, but is blocked. They fight a bit more, but Link manages to stab it)
Ganondorf: (kills the last five Tubbies. He runs outside and sees Navi) YOU!
Navi: (turns yellow and floats around Ganondorf) Hey! Ganondorf, the King of Evil. I don’t know what his weakness is!
Ganondorf: (sends waves of darkness at Navi)
Navi: Hey! Because of the waves of darkness, I can’t get close!
Link: (uses his bow to shoot Navi. She flies straight into the ground. She twitches a few moments, then her light flickers away)
Ganondorf: She was mine!
Link: Too bad.
<Author’s Note: A few things. Obviously, the song the Annoyances sang is a slightly different version of the original song in Disney’s “The Lion King”. Also, Ash’s little “AAAA! THEY DID THIS AND THAT” part is my tribute to the dynamic duo of authors I know named Carrot Stix and their fic titled Link vs Ash.
Warning- Due to the inclinations of the main character of Kingdom Hearts, Sora, this chapter has more of a gross tone to it.>
ANNOYANCE HQ- A FEW DAYS LATER
Pikachu: Curses! We’ve lost them!
Tubbie #1: We have squads of Teletubbies searching for them, sir.
Pikachu: Shut up! We need to send someone good to find them… hmm… I’ve got it! (to Tubbie #1) Bring me Sora! (Tubbie #1 leaves and returns a few minutes later)
Tubbie #1: Sir? He’s a little busy right now.
Pikachu: What!? I’m the supremely EVIL dictator! How can he be too busy for me!?
Tubbie #1: He’s out in the front yard humping the trees, sir.
Pikachu: Not again! (runs outside) SORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Sora: Just a second! (continues getting it on with a tree) Yes! YES! OOH, BABY! YESSSSS!
Pikachu: (shocks the tree, blowing it up and sending Sora flying. Sora gets back up and begins running to the nearest tree) Grab him! (guards pop out of nowhere and grab Sora)
Sora: Let me go! (starts crying)
Pikachu: Shut up! (slaps Sora, who cries even harder. Pikachu starts shouting over the noise) Don’t hump the trees in the front yard, for crying out loud! How many times do I have to tell you!? It’s not evil it’s disgusting! Now, I need you to go find Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf! Kill them all! Do you understand your mission?
Sora: (nods, and starts blubbering) W-what’s in it f-for me?
Pikachu: Uh… we’ll put trees in your office. Yeah.
Sora: (stops crying and gets a big smile on his face) Really!?
Pikachu: Uh, yeah. Just leave the trees out here alone.
Sora: Can I have the tree from “Pocahontas”? I REALLY liked that tree!
Pikachu: (stares at Sora in disgust) Uh, I’ll see what I can do…
Sora: How about Treebeard from The Lord of the Rings? I’d REALLY REALLY like him!
Pikachu: That’s just sick! (Sora’s eyes well up with tears) Okay! Okay! I’ll see what I can do! (tears disappear) Now grab your stupid key thing and go!
AT A QUIZNOS SUB IN A RANDOM TOWN
Ganondorf: Gosh, how many Teletubbies have we fought!?
Link: Countless.
Zelda: I hate the Annoyances. They’re so… annoying…
Ganondorf: Well put.
Link: Does anybody know how to get to the Annoyance Base?
Zelda and Ganondorf: …
Link: This really is a problem.
Ganondorf: Perhaps we should just wander around until we find something?
Link and Zelda: (stare at Ganondorf)
Ganondorf: Think about it! This fanfic has to do with the Zelda series, and the Zelda games are technically all RPG’s, which sometimes require wandering around until you find something good! Haven’t you played Final Fantasy 1?
Link: Yeah, actually…
Zelda: A little…
SOMEWHERE
Sora: I think I’m lost… (thinks for a second) Yeah, I’m lost. (sees a forest and gets a sick, perverted grin on his face)
ANOTHER SOMEWHERE, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE IN THE MOUNTAINS
Link: Okay, we’re not finding a thing! (the two old men from the Muppets pop out from behind a rock)
Old Man #1 (the clean shaven one): A thing? Maybe you should start looking for something! (both old men laugh)
Old Man #2: We are the Wise Men of the Mountains!
Old Man #1: Yeah, we’re wise guys! (both laugh)
Link: (grabs Zelda’s hand)
Zelda: (squeezes it tightly)
Ganondorf: (eye twitches)
Old Man #1: Hey, those two are holding hands!
Old Man #2: They’ve only been doing that for a few seconds, which is longer than the time you were married! (both laugh)
Ganondorf: I can’t believe this is happening…
Old Man #2: It’s good to be happening again!
Old Man #1: It’s good to be doing anything again! (both laugh)
Link: Okay…
Zelda: You said you were… err… wise guys?
Old Man #1: Yeah, ask us anything and we’ll answer it!
Old Man #2: Provided we weren’t too young to remember! (both laugh)
Link: Where is the Annoyance base?
Old Man #1: Just follow this rocky path and you’ll be lead straight to it!
Old Man #2: It’s a rocky path, so make sure you don’t trip on your trip! (both laugh)
Link: Okaythankslet’sgo! (they all run down the rocky path)
SOMEWHERE
IN A
Sora: YES! GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME, YOU OAK! YEEEEEEEESSSSS!!!
THE NEXT DAY IN THE MOUNTAINS
Sora: (on a cliff overlooking our heroes’ camp. He moves to a different, out of view spot and pulls out a walkie-talkie) This is Sora. Requesting reinforcements.
Tubbie #7,015: Tracking your location. (silent for a moment) Done. Reinforcements will arrive shortly.
Pikachu: This is Pikachu. What took you so long, Sora?
Sora: Call of nature, if you know what I mean… heh heh heh…
Pikachu: You sick, sick child… (kills the transmission)
Sora: Now, all I have to do is wait.
LATER
Krystal: Hello, Sora.
Scooby: SCOOBY DOOBY DOO!
CAMP
Link: What the heck? (pulls out his sword and shield)
Zelda: (turns into Sheik)
Ganondorf: (draws his sword)
HIDING SPOT
Krystal: (slaps Scooby) YOU IDIOT! YOU JUST GAVE AWAY OUR POSITION!
Scooby: RELL, IF I JUST DID RO DID ROU!
Sora: (crying) STOP FIGHTING! IT’S SO HEARTBREAKING!
Krystal: Oh, go play with something poisonous!
Scooby: Yeah!
Sora: (walking away) Fine…
Krystal: (grabs Sora) Uhh… no.
Scooby: I rorship Ratan! Do rou rorship Ratan?
Krystal: Shut up, I can’t understand a single thing you’re saying.
Sora: Everybody ready?
Krystal: No, I’m-
Sora: ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! (all three jump into the camp. Sora attacks Ganondorf, Krystal attacks Zelda, and Scooby attacks Link)
SCOOBY VS. LINK
Link: (slashes at Scooby, who does a backhand spring)
Scooby: Rou can’t defeat me! I ras spawned in rhe rits of Rell! (attacks Link. They have a long battle, and it is extremely difficult to describe exactly what happened, with Scooby being a dog. So, if you can imagine Scooby flying around and doing martial arts, that’s good. If you can imagine Scooby lying on the ground with his stomach slashed open, that’s better)
KRYSTAL VS. ZELDA
Zelda: (pulls out two short swords and spins them around, kind of like Legolas) What the heck are you?
Krystal: Just some hooker that when put in a game has the worst dialogue ever. But, now all the Star Fox fanfiction has me as Fox’s girlfriend!
Zelda: Not all.
Krystal: Well, older ones maybe, but not the ones since SFA was released!
Zelda: Nope.
Krystal: What are you talking about?
Zelda: Are you familiar with an author named Ringshadow, and a fanfic series called Crescent Moon?
Krystal: Shut up!
Zelda: Fara Phoenix is in there. Kicks some serious butt, I might add.
Krystal: Shut up and die! (pulls out two short swords. They attack each other, slashing and parrying at blinding speeds. Sorry for lack of detail, but eventually Zelda slashes Krystal multiple times, then stabs her) #### it. (dies)
SORA VS. GANONDORF
Sora: You can’t win! I defeated Cloud and Sephiroth, remember?
Ganondorf: Just their stupid versions in Kingdom Hearts. You couldn’t possibly beat the REAL versions of them.
Sora: (imagines himself getting his butt kicked by Cloud and Sephiroth. His eyes begin to water)
Ganondorf: (eyes widen) Oh, no…
Sora: (starts crying very loudly)
Ganondorf: SHUT UP! (begins slapping Sora repeatedly) SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Sora: (runs over and kicks Zelda in the shin) Take that!
Zelda: Hey!
Ganondorf: (turns Sora around) You like to beat women?
Sora: Well, I-
Ganondorf: (slaps Sora) DON’T (slaps Sora) EVER (slaps Sora) HIT (slaps Sora) HER (slaps Sora) A- (slaps Sora) –GAIN! (slaps Sora) YOU HEAR ME? (slaps Sora) HUH!? (slaps Sora) HUH!? (slaps Sora) HUH!? (slaps Sora, who finally falls to the ground, finally dead)
Zelda: Well?
Ganondorf: Shall we continue on?
Link: Yeah, let’s go. We’re almost there.
TO BE CONTINUED
ANNOYANCE HQ
Pikachu: Sora? Sora, come in! (waits a second, only hearing static) Dang it! They’ve failed, AND Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf are getting closer!
Ash: You’re not worried, are you, sir?
Pikachu: Of course not! What would give you that idea?
Ash: That puddle at your feet… (snickers, and Pikachu attacks. Senseless violence occurs)
Pikachu: (throws Ash to the ground) There. Guards! (two guards walk in) Take him to the Medical Room. Attach bionic parts to replace whatever’s missing. (the guards carry Ash off)
Tubbie #1: So, what do we do now, sir?
Pikachu: Well… how about a five-minute break?
Tubbie #1: Very good, sir.
Pikachu: Let’s go for a very evil stroll around the base.
Tubbie #1: Um, sure, why not?
LATER
Pikachu: I don’t believe that I’ve ever been in this room before.
Tubbie #1: What, the nurbatory?
Pikachu #1: The what?
Tubbie #1: The nurbatory. It’s a nursery and laboratory rolled into one. Let me show you. (taps a password into the security system. The door opens, and they step in to find babies screaming and crying at the top of their lungs)
Pikachu: WHAT THE HECK IS THIS!? (scientist Tubbie #3 walks up. He is wearing a lab coat and is carrying a clipboard)
Scientist Tubbie #3: It’s quite simple, really. We spawned these youngsters here and assigned each to a specific path in life. Each of these paths serves the cause of the Annoyances.
Pikachu: Such as?
Scientist Tubbie #3: In this group over here, all the babies are going to be extremists in whatever political party they are in. They don’t care whether something is right or wrong, only what their leader’s party is. Over here are jocks and preps. ‘Nuff said. This batch over here (motions to a group that is crying the loudest) will be next people to whine and complain about how Wind Waker’s ending doesn’t match the rest of the game series. They can’t handle bittersweet endings whatsoever!
Pikachu: Ah, very evil. What’s the status of the groups?
Scientist Tubbie #3: All are going well, but we have some problems over here. (walks over to a certain group) These kids are going to be the next owners of Angelfire. The current owners, due to some slight miscalculations from our earlier scientists and technology, don’t know how to properly upload a page. For example, their Terms of Service page absolutely will not load. We’re going to fix this, but it requires a program called RTP 1.0, and- (at the sounds of “program” and “RTP 1.0,” the Angelfire kids latch onto him. He screams loudly as they begin eating him. Other scientist Tubbies run up and shoot the brats with high-powered stun guns, but they are too late to save Scientist Tubbie #3)
Pikachu: Back away… slowly…
OUTSIDE THE HQ
Link: (peeking over a hill) Man, security’s tight. How are we going to get inside?
Zelda: (puts her hand on Link’s shoulder)
Link: (takes her in his arms)
Ganondorf: Do you guys mind!?
Link: (kisses Zelda)
Ganondorf: Guess not. (Link and Zelda continue making out) Goddesses, this stinks. I hate this romance trash, but I can’t leave, because I have to make sure these two don’t go too far! (shouts in frustration, then sits down on the ground) I think I need a hug…
INSIDE THE HQ
Pikachu: That was annoying.
Tubbie #1: Of course it was, sir.
Pikachu: Shut up. There were some very, very, VERY evil things in there.
Tubbie #1: Too evil for your tastes, sir?
Pikachu: Of course not! Nothing is too evil for my tastes! You hear that? NOTHING!
Tubbie #1: (salutes) Yes, sir!
Pikachu: (sighs) I need a drink.
Tubbie
#1: Here you go, sir! (gives Pikachu a
Pikachu: Yay! (pokes it with the straw, causing it to explode in his face. He stares at Tubbie #1)
Tubbie #1: Uh, here, sir. (gives Pikachu another one)
Pikachu: (gets the same result)
Tubbie #1: Here, sir.
Pikachu: No! No more! It’s not evil, anyway. I want something evil.
Tubbie #1: A cheap can of root beer with a major burning sensation?
Pikachu: Yes, very evil. Give me that. (takes the root beer and drinks it) Blegh. It tastes like trash. A&W is the best brand of root beer. Very evil, indeed.
Tubbie #1: More?
Pikachu: Yes.
Tubbie #1: You know, sir, I’ve been thinking.
Pikachu: Wow.
Tubbie #1: Exactly where are Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf?
Pikachu: Not sure. We have teams looking for them. They should be close, but I don’t know how well hidden they are.
Both: Hmm…
Tubbie #1: I have an idea, sir. (to a nearby Tubbie) Tubbie #3,124, bring us a copy of “Link, the Annoyance Slayer: Take Two.”
Tubbie #3,124: Yes, sir.
Pikachu: Tubbie #1, may I have a word with you, please?
Tubbie #1: Yes, sir?
Pikachu: How can there be a copy of “Link, the Annoyance Slayer: Take Two?” We’re still in the middle of writing it!
Tubbie #1: That’s true, sir, but there’s been a major breakthrough in entertainment technology.
Pikachu: There has?
Tubbie #1: Yeah. Instant fanfiction. The fanfic is out before the story is finished.
Pikachu: Naah…
Tubbie #3,124: Here it is, sir. “Link, the Annoyance Slayer: Take Two.”
Tubbie #1: Thank you. (begins flipping through the pages. They see the part where Pikachu falls down the elevator)
Pikachu: No, no. We’re past this scene. Past this. In fact, never read this scene again.
Tubbie #1: Here we are, sir.
Pikachu: What part is this?
Tubbie #1: This is now, sir.
Pikachu: (notices that he’s following the stage directions) Now?
Tubbie #1: Yes. All that is happening is happening now.
Pikachu: What happened to then?
Tubbie #1: We passed then.
Pikachu: When?
Tubbie #1: Just now.
Pikachu: Go back to then!
Tubbie #1: We can’t.
Pikachu: Why?
Tubbie #1: We missed it.
Pikachu: When will then be now?
Tubbie #1: Soon. (the wind blows, turning the pages)
Pikachu: Ah, they are out on the hill! Make the guards come back inside! (smiles evilly) Let’s give them a false sense of security.
Tubbie #1: Aye, sir.
Pikachu: Now, what else?
Tubbie #3,124: Why don’t you send our entire force to Hyrule? You could cause the deaths of countless innocence and take Hyrule for yourself!
Pikachu: (sits silently) I just got a perfectly evil idea! I’ll send the entire force to Hyrule. That would cause the deaths of countless innocence AND take Hyrule for myself! Very evil, indeed! Glad I thought of it!
Tubbie #3,124: But I-
Pikachu: Silence! (attacks Tubbie #3,124)
OUTSIDE
Ganondorf:
Well, the guards are all back inside, and these two kids are asleep.
They
really disgust me sometimes. This is great. Here I am, the Annoyance HQ
is
waiting for us to enter, these two lovebirds are sleeping, and I’m
wide-awake
from all the caffeine I had to drink! (hugs himself) I think I need a
hug…
The
Legend of Zelda and its characters are copyright Nintendo.
No infringment is intended.