Pikachu: (standing before his army of 10,000 Annoyances, which mainly include Teletubbies) Now, my little minions. Now is the time for the Annoyances to prove their worth! (Annoyances cheer) We will take Hyrule for ourselves! (Annoyances cheer again) TO WAR!!!
Tubbie #1: Forward, MARCH! (Annoyances begin marching)
Pikachu: Uh, guys? Hyrule would be this way. (points in the opposite direction. Annoyances about-face and march. Pikachu laughs very evilly as he watches them leave to destroy Hyrule) Very evil…
OUTSIDE
Ganondorf: (hears the war cries of the Annoyances, and peeks over the hill and sees the army) HOLY CRAP!!!
Link: (wakes up) What? What is it?
Zelda: (also waking up) What’s going on?
Ganondorf: It’s Pikachu’s army… all of the Annoyance HQ is emptied…
Zelda: Oh, goddesses…
Link: They’re going to destroy Hyrule. We have to head back to Hyrule and warn the people.
INSIDE OF TOWER
Pikachu:
So, they try to escape… This is most evil. But of course, it will not
be so
evilly easy! (laughs very evilly, and pushes a button. It makes a small
beep
sound) What is this? (presses it again) I like it… very evil… (presses
more
buttons, which make beeps of different tones. He begins to press them
again and
again, making up his own techno song. Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf
teleport the
King Daphnes: How many?
Link: 10,000 strong.
Daphnes: 10,000!?
Link: It is an army bred for a single purpose: to destroy the world of Hyrulians. They will be here by nightfall, even though that’s impossible, seeing that the Annoyance HQ is days away from here.
Daphnes:
ENOUGH
Ganondorf: Ask the author.
Daphnes: Oh. Never mind, then.
Zelda: I feel left out…
Daphnes: (hugs Zelda) Hey, squirt!
Hylian General: What’s your battle plan, your Highness? We are hopelessly outnumbered.
Link: (whispering to Zelda and Ganondorf) We should probably go.
Zelda: You’re right. (the three leave)
Daphnes: …
General: My lord?
Daphnes: We summon allies to help us.
General:
The
Daphnes: Yes, and as stated a few chapters ago, she was assassinated.
General: Oh, yeah…
Daphnes: We must summon allies outside of the world of Nintendo. (thinks for a moment)
General: Then who do we turn to, my lord?
Daphnes:
We must summon the prince of
General: A wise decision, my lord! From which game in the series?
Daphnes: The most recent one: The Sands of Time!
General: Why that one, my liege?
Daphnes: Because in that one, he has a list of completely nutso moves! He has a really cool scimitar and a magical dagger! And, of course, he’s not wearing a bunch of poofy clothing.
General: That is true.
Daphnes:
Tell the wizards to summon the prince of
NIGHTFALL
Tubbie #1: Hahaha! Finally, we have arrived! (turns to captains) All right, here’s the plan. I want the Neo Nazi squadron to move in first.
Neo Nazi Captain: Jawohl!
Tubbie #1: They will have covering fire from the Confederate soldiers.
Confederate Captain (Reb Captain): Yep.
Tubbie #1: And last, I want the Neo Nazis to be backed up by the Klansmen, you got that?
Klansmen Kaptain: Okay.
Tubbie #1: Great! (looks around) Where’s Jaffar?
Jaffar, the villain in Prince of Persia: ‘sup, yo!?
Tubbie #1: (angrily) What are you doing here!?
Jaffar: You ordered my men and myself to be here!
Tubbie #1: I wanted the SNES version of you!
Jaffar: Why?
Tubbie #1: Because all you can do right now is fight with your sword! You don’t have magic at your command!
Jaffar: (shrugs) Oh, well.
Tubbie #1: You had better hope that none of their soldiers gets over to you.
Jaffar: If it’s that dumb kid I threw in jail, then there’s no problem.
Tubbie #1: He killed you in the first and second games, remember?
Jaffar: Oh, yeah… It’ll be different this time.
Tubbie #1: You’re a stereotypical villain, you know that?
Jaffar: Thanks!
Tubbie #1: Your squadron will move in later. I’ll give the order.
Jaffar: My palace guards will defeat whatever challenges them! Especially Fatso over there! (points to a REALLY fat guard)
Fatso: Yo!
Daphnes: I want you three to sneak out, return to the Annoyance HQ, and defeat Pikachu.
Link: Yes, my lord.
Zelda: Wait a minute…
Daphnes: What?
Zelda: Aren’t you supposed to be the stereotypical king and make sure that I don’t do anything that puts me in danger?
Daphnes: Don’t you want to go?
Zelda: Yes.
Daphnes: Then go! What, do you think this is Lord of the Rings or Mulan or something!? Just do it!
Zelda: Cool! Thanks, Daddy! (hugs Daphnes)
OUTSIDE OF THE CASTLE
(the Hylian and Persian armies are set up, overlooking the oncoming Annoyances. The archers are ready)
Neo Nazi Captain: You will be ruthless! You will destroy them all! They are subhuman! And why? Because they have pointy ears, that’s why! They also worship the three goddesses of the Triforce! We cannot allow them to exist!
Neo Nazis: (saluting) Sieg HEIL! Sieg HEIL! Sieg HEIL! Sieg HEIL!
Neo Nazi Captain: ATTACK!!!
Reb Captain: Yep! (Confederate soldiers open fire)
Klansmen Kaptain: ATTACK!!!
Hylian General: FIRE!!! (Hylians release arrows)
Prince
of
Link: There it is. The Annoyance HQ.
Zelda: Wait, how did we get here that fast?
Random Gerudo: (shouting all the way from Gerudo Fortress) GREAT ONE!!!
Ganondorf: (shouting) SHUT UP! (the three heroes approach the main entrance. None of the guards are there)
INSIDE
Pikachu: (laughs very evilly) Those fools! (laughs very evilly, but this time pops some bones in his jaw) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
OUTSIDE
Link: What the-!? (Tubbie #3,645 slams into the ground. Don’t you remember? He was the dude that Pikachu threw out the window in chapter 2: Enter Link!)
Zelda: …
Ganondorf: (snorts)
Link: Oooooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…
Ganondorf: So… are we going in?
Zelda: I don’t like this… it’s just too simple…
INSIDE
Pikachu: Drat! (pushes a button, opening the main entrance)
OUTSIDE:
Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf: …
INSIDE
Pikachu: (pushes another button, which displays a banner that says “Welcome, friends!” and some balloons at the main entrance)
OUTSIDE
Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf: …
INSIDE
Pikachu: (sighs) They just don’t take a hint, do they!? (pushes yet another button, deploying sentry guns at the main entrance)
OUTSIDE
Link: What the-!? (is shot by a tranquilizer dart. The same thing happens to Zelda and Ganondorf)
INSIDE
Pikachu: Too easy… but very evil…
HYRULE
Hylian General: MY LORD! THEY’VE BROKEN THROUGH THE GATE!
Daphnes: (to bodyguards) To the gate! Draw your swords! (Daphnes and his guards head to the gate)
Tubbie #1: Kill them all…
Neo Nazi Captain: Kill them! Kill them!
Klansmen Captain: Wipe them out!
Hylian and Persian Archers: (open fire on Neo Nazis and Klansmen)
Tubbie #1: Order your men to fall back!
Reb Captain: Yep! Yessirree! (Confederates fall back)
Tubbie #1: Jaffar!
Jaffar: Yo!
Tubbie #1: Send in your men.
Jaffar: Go kick their butts, boys!
ANNOYANCE PRISON
Link: (wakes up) What the-?
Ganondorf: (waking up) How often are you going to say that, Link?
Zelda: (wakes up) Link?
Link: Yeah?
Zelda: I’m scared… (hugs Link)
Ganondorf: (rolls eyes)
Link: You’re just jealous, Ganondorf.
Ganondorf: …Yes…
Tubbie Prisoner: (in a cell next to Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf’s) Hey, you!
Link: (ignores him)
Tubbie Prisoner: I’m talkin’ to you!
Link: (ignores him)
Tubbie Prisoner: You! In da green tunic and wit’ da gurl in your arms!
Link: (gets fed up) What!?
Tubbie Prisoner: Kiss your Gerudo friend!
Ganondorf: (looks at Tubbie in disgust)
Link: No. Now shut up.
Tubbie Prisoner: (gasps) You won’t… kiss your friend that is also male!
Link: Your point?
Tubbie Prisoner: You must be gay! (looks at Link strangely)
Link: How does that even make sense?
Tubbie Prisoner: You’re attracted to gurls, and gurls only! You are a homophobe, and therefore, you’re gay. (continues looking at Link strangely)
Ganondorf: (walks up to edge of cell) Want me to tell you a secret?
Tubbie Prisoner: Well, sure! (leans in close)
Ganondorf: Come closer… (grabs Tubbie by the head, and smacks him against the bars, knocking him out)
Pikachu: (walks into prison) Well, well, well… What have we here? The Hero of Time, the princess of Hyrule, and the Dark Lord himself!
Link: (tries to grab Pikachu through the bars, but he is just out of reach)
Pikachu: (laughs evilly, and spits on Link’s hand) Very evil! Guards! (guards approach. Pikachu starts to walk out of the prison) Bring the Princess to the Torture Chamber of Pure Evil! (leaves)
Tubbie Guards (there’s 4, by the way): (grab Zelda, making sure that Link and Ganondorf don’t try anything. They lock the cell)
Zelda: (twists the arms of the two guards holding her, and then knocks their heads together. She grabs another, and slams him against the bars of her former cell. She then rapidly punches the fourth guard, and kicks him in the throat, sending him flying into the wall) There.
Link and Ganondorf: (stare at Zelda in amazement)
Zelda: (grabs keys, and unlocks the cell) Let’s go.
Ganondorf: (slashing oncoming Tubbies) BRING IT ON! (the three continue up the tower, slashing all the Teletubbies in their path. Anyone who’s played Gauntlet: Dark Legacy has an idea what this looks like)
TOP OF THE TOWER
Pikachu: It has all come down to this…
HYRULE
(Hylians and Persians continue fighting the Annoyance onslaught, the fight becoming more and more desperate)
ANNOYANCE HQ
Link: We’re almost there… almost there… (door opens behind the three, an enemy entering the room)
Robo Ash: (robotic voice) TERMINATE ENEMIES. (the heroes finally get a good look at Robo Ash. His limbs are all robotic, and one arm has a gun. His clothing is all ripped up, and one eye is robotic)
Ganondorf: Keep going, Link.
Zelda: We’ll handle this.
Link: Be careful! (continues up the tower)
Robo Ash: TARGETS ACQUIRED. (shoots flames at Zelda and Ganondorf, who jump out of the way)
Ganondorf: (jumps at Robo Ash)
Robo Ash: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. (kicks Ganondorf in the stomach, sending him flying into the wall)
Ganondorf: Aaaa!
Zelda: (kicks Robo Ash in the face, but to no effect. Robo Ash smacks her across the face)
Robo Ash: (points gun arm at Zelda) MACHINE GUN READY.
Ganondorf: (shoots a bolt of lightning from his fingertips)
Robo Ash: DAMAGE TAKEN. DESTROY. DESTROY. (shoots at Ganondorf)
Ganondorf: (blocks bullets with sword)
Zelda: (stabs a dagger into Robo Ash)
Robo Ash: THREAT ASSESSMENT DETECTED. (swipes at Zelda, who dodges the attack with a backhand spring. Robo Ash deploys a large, double bladed weapon and starts swinging it around)
Ganondorf: (attacks Robo Ash again) It’s time to die!
Zelda: (dodges every attack from Robo Ash, and draws two short swords)
Robo Ash: (blocks every attack from both Ganondorf and Zelda, and eventually kicks them both away from him)
TOWER
Link: (enters room to find Pikachu)
Pikachu: I’ve been waiting for you, Link.
Link: …
Pikachu: And that sounded really gay, didn’t it?
Link: Uh…
Pikachu: Crap! (turns around) My most incredibly evil moment, and I make myself look gay! Dang it!
Link: (stares at Pikachu, mouth open)
LOWER IN THE TOWER
Zelda and Ganondorf: (groan in pain)
Robo Ash: PREPARE FOR TERMINATION. MISSILE READY. (shoots a missile)
Zelda and Ganondorf: (manage to dive out of the way)
Zelda: (uses magic to blow off Robo Ash’s gun arm)
Ganondorf: (grins evilly)
Robo Ash: UH OH.
HYRULE
Daphnes: (clutching a wound) Hold them back! HOLD THEM BACK! (slashes a nearby Tubbie)
Tubbie #1: Kill them!
Jaffar:
This is so fun! Huh? (notices the prince of
Prince: Hello.
Jaffar: This isn’t fair! You’re the Sands of Time version of the prince!
Prince: Exactly. (vaults over Jaffar and nails him with his scimitar)
Jaffar: AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Prince: (does the same thing to Fatso. Next, he engages in combat with Tubbie #1)
Tubbie #1: (fighting the prince) You can never defeat the Annoyances, boy!
TOWER- LOWER ROOM
Robo Ash: (falling out the window) CRAP.
TOWER
Pikachu: I’ve dreamed of this day, this very moment in which we would engage in mortal combat! I had planned to be more evil than usual today!
Link: Dude, settle down!
Pikachu: Settle down!? HOW CAN I SETTLE DOWN!?
Link: This is the scene that the readers have been looking forward to.
Pikachu: … (Mortal Kombat movie theme begins playing) Now, Link, I will very evilly tear you limb from limb! And then I shall kill Ganondorf and Zelda… (laughs very evilly) DIE! (lunges at Link)
Link: (dodges)
Pikachu: (shoots electricity at Link)
Link: (deflects it with the Master Sword)
Pikachu: (charges energy into arm, and tries to punch Link)
Link: (defends with Hylian shield, which breaks in half)
Pikachu: Hahahaha! Very evil… (knocks Master Sword out of Link’s hand. It stabs into the ceiling)
Link: … Oh, boy…
Pikachu: (shoots more electricity at Link)
Link: (runs up the wall and kicks off of it)
Pikachu: (kicks Link in the stomach)
Link: (gets back up. They engage in a fight incredibly similar to those in the Matrix series, Link eventually nailing Pikachu in the chest, sending him into the wall)
Pikachu: (does a twirling kick, hitting Link across the face several times. He then bites Link on the neck)
Link: Aaaaaa! (grabs Pikachu and punches him across the face)
Pikachu: (flips, and in mid-jump grabs Link by the head, throws him while landing perfectly on his feet) Mwahahahaha! I have observed the Double Dragon series, and I have learned some things!
Link: (jumps in the air and kicks at Pikachu three times in mid-air, but the rat blocks it)
Pikachu: Boot to the head! (kicks Link in the head)
Link: (throws several punches at Pikachu, who blocks all but the last punch, which lands on his face)
Pikachu: (tackles Link) HYRULE IS MINE!!! (shocks Link)
Link: (screams out of sheer pain. He slowly tries to get up, but Pikachu hits him back down)
Pikachu: You’ve fought your last battle, Link. If it weren’t for this your little girlfriend’s death would have been quick and painless, but now that you’ve really ticked me off, I’m gonna finish nice and slow…
Link: (glares at Pikachu)
Pikachu: Zelda and I… (charges electricity into his fist) we’re gonna have a h### of a time! (tries to punch Link, but he rolls out of the way)
Link: (elbows Pikachu, jumps to his feet, runs up the wall, flips off of it, pulls the Master Sword out of the ceiling, and stabs Pikachu)
Pikachu: (gasps) No… this cannot be…
Link: (pulls sword out of Pikachu)
HYRULE
Tubbie #1: (raises sword to finish off the exhausted prince, but stops. He suddenly falls to the ground, dead)
Annoyances: (drop dead)
Hylians and Persians: (cheer)
Daphnes: Oh, thanks the gods…
Random Gerudo: GREAT ONE!!!
TOWER
Pikachu: (bleeding out the mouth) I deserved… to have… Hyrule… Yes… very… evil… (dies)
Ganondorf: (breaks down door)
Zelda: Link!
Link: (starts to stagger and fall)
Zelda: (supports Link)
Ganondorf: You okay, kid?
Link: Let’s go home…
HYRULE
The Persians have all gone home, and the people of Hyrule are celebrating their victory. All of them praise Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf for their achievements. Finally, the three heroes get a chance to be by themselves.
Link: Well… we did it!
Zelda: But you did the largest portion of it!
Ganondorf: She’s right, kid.
Link: Hey, c’mon…
Ganondorf: What should I call you? Let me think…
Link: Look, it doesn’t matter how much I did. Without you two, Hyrule would have been taken over by the Annoyances right now!
Ganondorf: I’ve got it!
Zelda: What?
Ganondorf: Kid, I have a new name for you: Link, the Annoyance Slayer.
Zelda: Niiiiiiice…
Link: Annoyance Slayer?
Ganondorf: Well, I figured that you were tired of “Hero of Time.”
Link: True…
Zelda: (kisses Link)
Ganondorf: GOSH! WHAT’S UP WITH- (turns around to find the Random Gerudo smiling prettily at him) … (kisses Random Gerudo)
MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE THE ANNOYANCE HQ
Robo Ash: (electricity surges through his body. Suddenly, he comes back online. He gets up, and stares in the direction of Hyrule for a moment. He looks up at the Annoyance HQ. He slowly walks back inside)
TO BE CONTINUED…
Author’s Final Words-
This fanfic is based off of a comic that I started a few years ago, and NO I WILL NOT SCAN THEM! The fanfic is MUCH better, anyway. But it does feature different scenes from the comic.
This is in response to someone who reviewed this story on FanFiction.Net and to anyone else who needs it. The phrase “sieg heil” basically means “all hail” in German. The Nazis would shout this while saluting Hitler. I was making fun of those idiots, and not people with the last name Heil.
The Fatlings (remember? The guys that helped
attack
The books (not including the Collection of Zelda
Fanfiction book) that were mentioned during the trial scene are all
real. All
of them, besides The Giver by Lois Lowry and the nonexistent Zelda
fanfiction
thingy, stunk in my opinion. ESPECIALLY The House on
Again, this is an FF.Net reference. A reviewer once suggested I add Cloud or Sephiroth in. Kinda funny really, but on the first “draft” (for lack of a better term) of that chapter, I was going to add in Cloud and Aeris (YES, Aeris, not Aerith!) from FF7 to help out, but I decided against it. And really, I actually regret including the Persians near the end. And by the way, play Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. It’s a great game.
The “Flaming Demon Pikachu” intro was a parody of the intro to Gauntlet: Dark Legacy.
Thank you for reading my fanfic!
-Janus Kamaren