"How Do I Live"
by Trisha Yearwood
Tucker was the second boy born to us. He has a big brother Conner who is sixteen months older than him. My pregnancy progressed normally with an uncomplicated delivery. He weighed 7lbs. 13.5 oz. He was beautiful. A perfectly healthy baby boy. He was always healthy. The worst thing he ever had was a mild ear infection and an ongoing yeast infection. He was learning to say a few words, he could walk and clap play like any other 11 month old. He was perfectly normal.
The day before Tucker passed away, I was busy playing on our 'new' computer. I neglected the housework, the laundry, dressing the kids and even my beloved soaps.Tucker and his big brother had shared a bath the night before and stayed in their sweats and T-shirts throughout the day. Not something we did very often, but it was one of those lazy, rainy days. We stayed at home playing and watching Elmo and the Teletubbies and having treats in front of the T.V. Tucker usually had a nap around 10:30 or 11:00 and another around 4:00 or so. But on this lazy day I didn't push the routine so his naps were later. The only thing I accomplished that day was to run to the post office and the store where I picked up dinner for us. After I got home, Tucker was cranky and tired so I rocked him for a long time on my lap (something that he very, very rarely let me do) but I am so glad I did that day. Soon after that he went down for his nap. I thought about keeping him up a little longer, and letting him go down for the night a bit early, but he was just too tired. The evening nap was pushed back so far that I only woke him at 8:30 to feed him some dinner, change his diaper and put some medicine on a prolonged yeast infection he had been fighting for quite awhile. He was so tired he only ate a few bites, so I let him take a bottle to bed. I rarely did this, for the most part I was a by the book mom. When my first son was born I lived far from most of our family and had to learn a lot by myself. Therefore I read every book I could get my hands on and did EVERYTHING by the book. Of course you relax a lot with your second child. Tucker had to take medication for the yeast infection and needed something is his tummie to go with it. Tucker went to bed at 10:00, an hour past his usual bedtime. He shared a room with his 2 year old brother, who got up numerous times and turned on the light to play. Later, I wint in and unscrewed the light bulb. Conner almost always fell asleep driving his cars on the floor so around 11:00 I went in their room to put him in his bed before I went to bed. I only turned on the hall light but nonetheless Tucker was still sitting up in his crib the minute I opened the door, he was always wide awake at any noise and a very light sleeper. I put Conner back in bed and thought about laying Tucker back down and covering him up with his blanket but I knew he would just sit up again so I just went to bed.
Laying in my bed that night I could still hear Tucker moving around in the crib and talking. I can't remember now, but I was probably smiling to myself listening to him thinking "Go back to sleep please, I'm so tired". Now I would give anything for him to have kept me up all night long.
Tucker had always been the early bird of the two boys. He would wake me up around seven or eight everyday. So when I woke up to my other son calling "mama" and coming down the hall I had a feeling something was wrong. But I brushed that thought away, telling mysef he was just really tired. I got up and saw that it was ten minutes to nine. "HHmmm something must be wrong. No, no, no, your just worrying for no reason". I mean how many times have I worried about this and debated over and over whether to go in and check on him and risk waking him up or to not go in and let him sleep. I did this probably hundreds of times and everytime he was fine, and most of the time I woke him up unnecessarily. One of those motherly things I guess. I used the bathroom an decided I would peek in on him since the door was open anyway. I looked in and when I didn't see him breathing and the panic started to rise as usual. I got up next to the crib still waiting to see his back rise and fall, nothing. He was laying face down on his tummy in his favorite position with his hands curled up in little fists up near his head. This time was different,his blankie was under his face and he was not moving. I think my heart skipped a beat as a cold chill swept over me. This is every mothers worst nightmare. I reached out and touched him and he was cold and stiff. In one swift move I picked him up and screamed. I think when I saw his face I knew it was too late, but I ran outside holding him and screamed for someone to help me. I ran back inside and dialed 911, screaming at them that my baby was dead.
