Most of you know how the rest goes, the CPR attempts, the ambulance pulling up. A chaplin, followed by investigators and a coroner. When the paramedics saw my child as I laid him in the ambulance they didn't even have to touch him to know it was too late. There was nothing they could do, he had been gone for hours.
I had to tell my husband (Dave), a truck driver, the news over the phone. I didn't want to but he insisted on knowing why he had to come home NOW. In my state of mind I just told him the truth, not being able to think of anything else to say. He was 3 hours away and I had couldn't think of anyone else to call. Dave called his father and he came over right away. When Dave got home, they let us see Tucker before they took him away. They told us we had 5 minutes. 5 minutes to spend with my child who I would never see in my own home again, sleeping in his crib or playing in the yard. All I could think of is "If I could just warm him up he would be okay" I even had the very strong urge to go get him a blanket. The hours that passed are all a blur to me I don't know what I did or how I did it, but I know after they took Tucker away I didn't want to go back in the house ,not then, not ever.
I did go back in of course, and someone had done the dishes and made my bed. Someone with only the best intentions, had turned face down all the photo's in my house of Tucker, or any other children. I hated that. That night I waited for my mom and dad and aunt Jenni to arrive from Montana. The next day we were faced with all the decisions that come with a death. Where to bury him, when, the flowers, the music, the clothes and on and on. It gave me a purpose, but made me sick at the same time. I think the worst thing anyone asked was "Do you want him cremated?'. My husband and I had always planned on being cremated but the tought of burning my baby's body was horrifying. These are tough decisions.
We decided not to cremate him and to have the open casket funeral in our hometown in Montana. The funeral was beautiful and the words that were said by Dave's grandfather and uncle Casey really helped me. The only regrets I have are that I didn't listen to everyone and have the family viewing before the funeral. I didn't really understand the point and was desperatly afraid of what I would do if I were allowed to hold him. Now I realize though that by having only the short viewing after the funeral, I deprived myself and my family of the opportunity to hold him and say goodbye one last time. I also wish someone would have taken pictures. That may sound awful to some of you but I know alot of you will understand. On the other hand maybe it's good that I can hardly remember what he looked like in the casket. I have many other memories, better ones.
I know that in your mind you think that if anything ever happened to your child you would just fall down and die. You don't. Hard to believe but trust me it's true, you may want to some days maybe alot of days, but you won't. It's the worst thing that can ever happen to you, but you survive whether you want to or not. I am blessed to have my other son Conner with me still and will be eternally grateful for the time Tucker was with us.
I am still overwhelmed with thoughts and questions. I just want to ask him "Why didn't you just turn your head like all the other times?", "What made this time different?", "Was it my fault for putting a blanket in the crib with him?". You are not supposed to have to worry about SIDS after they are one year old, would nine days really have made a difference? I wish I would have got up to go to the bathroom or get a drink and made some noise and checked on him, or Conner would have fell out of bed and woke Tucker up or anything. All I say to myself over and over is "I just want him, It's not fair, Why".
I still say these things. I still question God and myself. It has only been a few months. I still feel like he is not here but not that he is never coming back. I feel so cheated, more for him and his brother than for myself. He was just getting to the good stuff in life. Trying so many new things. Being able to walk and go outside and play. Conner and Tucker were only 16 months apart, I knew that they were going to be so close. I knew that having two kids so close would be hard but I couldn't wait until they were old enough to really play together. Only one year would seperate them in school. They could even play on the same sports teams. I loved to hear people say "You must have your hands full!". I did but I loved every minute of it. I never thought I would have my kids very far apart. But now even if I got pregnant right away, which I don't plan on, they would still be over 3 years apart. It makes me so angry sometimes. I tell my husband, "It's not fair we made him he's ours!". We made him because we wanted to raise him and watch him grow up with us not to give him up after less than a year. It is so unfair. I know that all my questions will be answered someday but for now I must go on faith.
I love you so much Tucker. Your Daddy and Conner and I will miss you everyday. I am so thankful for having you in my life. I hope you are experiencing all the great things that you missed down here, up there with Heavenly Father. And without any pain or heartache. We will never forget you. Thanks for choosing us to be your family while you were here. Watch over us and save us a spot up there. I can't wait to see you again. I love you. |
