ONE FOR ALL, NONE FOR ONE
Los Angeles, Fri.
In yet another Hollywood misrepresentation of Malaysia, a new movie about the world's most open black market, is being filmed. Jack Moore, an American on holiday with two friends, discovered the real pleasures of 'Fascinating Malaysia'. A land where thousands and thousands of movies are available on VCD for only US$1.50 per title. After stocking up their backpacks with tons of contraband VCDs, Jack was left with the task of packing the stuff and mailing it back home. In an unexpected plot twist, his two friends returned to the US, while Jack stayed behind to tour the rest of Bangsar. Unfortunately for him, the authorities raided his room at Rumah Tumpangan Paris before the Postlaju pick-up arrived. Jack now faces the death penalty for possession of illegal VCDs. According to the script, a little known Malaysian law states that possession of more than 5 pirated copies of the same movie subjects the offender to capital punishment. An even lesser known part of the law states that Jack can escape the gallows if his two friends return to Malaysia to 'share' the charge. Malaysian thespian Patrick Teoh who made a career out of playing cranky judges will break with tradition and play a sweet and lovable judge. Another local radio personality, Steven Sum makes his feature film debut tackling the role of Ah Fook the VCD seller. Sources close to Malaysia Roadside confirmed that the movie is tentatively titled "Return To Petaling Street".

SOFT PROTEST
OHIO, Fri.
Within a week two bespectacled business honchos were hit in the face with cream pies. First it was Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, followed by Proctor & Gamble CEO, John Pepper. While I do not condone or encourage you to go around stalking our local CEOs, let's take a look at it from a Malaysian perspective. Cream pies would be an inappropriate choice of projectile since it's not a local dish. We must promote our local food whenever we can. Let's examine the options. So should our local activist fling a roti canai? It's too "hard" and would probably just bounce off. How about a plate of nasi goreng? Not a bad choice. The rice would scatter like confettis. And since many of our CEOs like to wear bush jackets with multiple pockets, they'll have a hard time removing those bits and pieces from every pocket. A bowl of cendol would also also do nicely. The victim would then look like he's suffering from a severe case of nose congestion!

THE SPICE BOYS
KUANTAN, Thu.
A man in Kuantan, Pahang was reported to be emotionally devastated after discovering that his favorite pop group Hanson is an all boys outfit. In fact, I too thought that they were a bunch of girls when I first heard them. Even after seeing them on MTV, I didn't think otherwise. It was the second such shock in my life. I grew up thinking Lassie's a male dog!

ANOTHER WORLD RECORD FOR MALAYSIA
KUALA LUMPUR, Tue.
Malaysia, which is preoccupied with having the tallest, biggest, longest etc, has again notched up another world record after having recent success in attaining the world's highest road accident rate in one holiday season. This time Mother Nature has accorded Kuala Lumpur the unenviable position of the second hottest city in the world. According to the Asscociated Press, KL's soaring temperature is only second to Rio de Janeiro.