Synopsis: Ellen has been quipping her way into Laurie's heart, but when Laurie arranges a first night alone at home, Ellen flags. Laurie is left alone, and wondering, while Peter sets Ellen uh, straight. Directed by Gail Mancuso.

Braces {} enclose unclear speech.

The Cast

Character	Actor
ELLEN MORGAN	Ellen DeGeneres
HAROLD MORGAN	Steven Gilborn
LOIS MORGAN	Alice Hirson
PETER	Patrick Bristow
LAURIE MANNING	Lisa Darr
HOLLY	Kayla Murphy
SPENCE KOVAK	Jeremy Piven
AUDREY PENNEY	Clea Lewis
PAIGE CLARK	Joely Fisher

Note: A brief advisory appeared before this episode: "THIS PROGRAM CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT. PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED." (TV-14 rating)

When I printed this, it took 19 pages.

Transcribed via VCR tape and microcassette.

ELLEN
Don't worry about the dog, dad. Peter lives a block away. He said he doe'n't mind comin' over to walk it.

HAROLD
Well, don't forget he gets one biscuit a day.

ELLEN
Ooo, I told Peter the deal was ten dollars.

HAROLD
Hey, Ellie, thanks a lot for helping out. Knowing that everything is fine here on the Home Front, your mother an' I are really gonna enjoy this cruise.

LOIS
[comes in with pillow] Ahh, this is so exciting! It'll be like reliving your father's Coast Guard days. [has put pillow in empty suitcase near HAROLD and he mellowly shuts it]

ELLEN
Oh. Well, leave it to you two to take an ordinary cruise an' turn it into something romantic.

HAROLD
You know, Ellie, you're the one that's really responsible for us being able to take this trip.

LOIS
That's right. We're using the money we were saving for your wedding.

ELLEN
[smiling pause, takes this in a second] I guess that's fair, I bought a hat with the money I was saving for your funerals. Ha.

[PETER has shown up at the open door.]

PETER
Knock-knock!

ELLEN
Hey, Peter! How are you? [kisses him on cheek]

LOIS
Hi.

HAROLD
[to dog] Hey, hey boy. Come on. Come on--boy--come on, huh. Now, now look who's here. This is Peter. This is Ellen's, Gay Man Friend.

ELLEN
Don't worry. If you throw the tennis ball for him, I don't think sexuality's an issue. [PETER nicely smiles]

LOIS
Ee--you like dogs, don't you, Peter?

PETER
Well, I'm, actually more used to cats. But, what is a dog really but a, cat without the Faye Dunaway attitude.
[to dog] Hello little fella. [dog barks] Oh!

ELLEN
Oh, he likes you. [dog barks] He's, he's purring, that's good.

[The dog is vaguely growling.]

LAURIE
Sooo, how was school today..

ELLEN
Oh, I didn't go. You're gonna have to write me another note.

[They chuckle.]

ELLEN
How about you, Holly, how was school for you?

HOLLY
Science was okay--hey you know how cool a frog is on the outside--you should see how cool it is on the inside.

LAURIE
[makes face] Dissecting frogs in seventh grade is what turned me into a vegetarian.

ELLEN
Yeah, me too. Well, not all at once. At first I just swore off amphibians.

HOLLY
You two are holding hands under the table again. Aren't you.

ELLEN
No. If you must know, I'm taking your mother's pulse. I am just.. [holds hand up, holding L's wrist]
Uh-oh. You had a double cappuccino at lunch today, didn't you?
Hey. You want another {Ching-Do-o-o-ow}?

HOLLY
[getting up] I gotta go study. [leaving]

ELLEN
All right, remember to show your work.

[LAURIE's chuckling. Something comes on the radio that LAURIE notices and is more amused by--she rushes over to turn it up.]

LAURIE
Oh! Ohhh! Ellen--ha-ha ha-ha! Ya gotta hear this. [it's a groovy disco soul song and she's grooving]

ELLEN
Oh. I drank so many Kalua an' creams to this song.

LAURIE
[amused, keeps dancing] Do you remember when this looked cool?

ELLEN
What do you mean, it 'looked' cool? Come on, huh!? That's good, still.
Wait, you ready? [getting synchronized, dancing with her]

LAURIE
Oh yeah. [giggles]

ELLEN
Hey!

LAURIE
Oh, you're good! Ha ha!

ELLEN
Wow. You know, I was a body double in that movie, Flashdance?

LAURIE
Yeah? Mmm--

ELLEN
It was the welding theme, but still, I thought I was pretty good in it.

[A slow tune comes on.]

LAURIE
[appreciative] Ahhh. Ahhh.

ELLEN
Oh. Come on.

[They hug, swaying. HOLLY comes in and nonchalantly turns off the radio on her way to the TV.]

ELLEN and LAURIE
Hey!

HOLLY
Sorry guys, I forgot. My homework is to watch this documentary about this stupid, boooring, pointless American Revolution. [puts tape in VCR]

ELLEN
There was a revolution? How come I'm still paying tea tax? [hands LAURIE beer]

[ELLEN and LAURIE regretfully sit with HOLLY on the couch. The tape is whistling, "Yankee Doodle."]

TAPE NARRATOR
The American Revolution. Volume One: The Growing Storm.

ELLEN
Hey uh, we don't have to watch this. All you need to know is: Minutemen Good, Redcoats Bad.
And Ethan Allen makes furniture.

HOLLY
I could kill, my history teacher.

ELLEN
[wry] Not without an airtight plan--why don't you go to the bedroom an' start, brainstorming?

ELLEN
Break time!

AUDREY
Woo-oo!

PAIGE
[weary] Oh, thank god. I don't know how much longer I could Pretend I was doing something.

SPENCE
Hey, El. How come your chick's not over here helpin' us.

ELLEN
[pause] She's not my "chick."

SPENCE
No?

ELLEN
She's my babe.

SPENCE
[smiling] Oh.

ELLEN
She's at Holly's soccer game.

PAIGE
She's still got that kid?

ELLEN
[wry] Yeah. You know, she tried to trade her for magic beans? But then Child Welfare got involved.

PAIGE
Oh.

SPENCE
So. What do you an' Laurie do when you want to be alone: play hide and seek an' then, count to a million?

PAIGE
[amused] You know, you should do, what my mom did when she had a date? She would have me spend the night with my grandmother or, some old woman that she'd just met at the tavern.

AUDREY
[raising hand, happily announcing] Ellen. I would be happy to baby-sit any time. I have a Malibu Beach Barbie and an Easy Bake Oven.

ELLEN
Well, that explains my tiny birthday cake.
No, now, Holly's not a problem, she's goin' on a ski trip this weekend. And, uh, I'm planning a surprise romantic weekend with Laurie an' I.

AUDREY
Ooooo! Details Please.

ELLEN
Well, uh-- [taking beer SPENCE hands her] Thanks. [S: "Sure."] It's just gonna be a--you know--the two of us, we're gonna be alone. You know what I mean..
[impatient, wry] Don't make me wink.
Anyway, candles, you know.. champagne, an'.. Edith Piaf.. If she's not available, I'll get some C.D.s.
[serious] I just want it to be very memorable. You know, uh--everything has to be perfect.

[Blank silence.]

SPENCE
Wait a minute, are you--are you saying this is the first time you two are goin' to do, this. And, by "this," I mean..
You know..

ELLEN
Yeah, so what.

SPENCE
So, is thi--this the first time, that, you're gonna be with Laurie, or, the first time, you're gonna be with any woman.

ELLEN
Oh--I get it--I get it--uh: "things you ask your cousin, that are really none o' your business," that's the game?

PAIGE
You know, you know what? Uh, I--I respect if Ellen doesn't want to discuss her sex life, with us. Just as she respects that, I don't want to hear about it?

ELLEN
Good, 'cause I don't want to talk about it.

PAIGE
Good.

SPENCE
Wait, this is a Big Deal.

AUDREY
Oh, Ellen, your First! You always remember your First!

PAIGE
[happy, good-natured, nostalgic] Mmm, that's true. I remember my first. Ha ha.

ELLEN
[nice] Yeah, I remember it, too. I was in the front seat.
[(PAIGE wryly, sympathetically rubs ELLEN's back)]
It's not like I haven't had sex before. I've had sex.

SPENCE
No, now this is different. See, women see sex differently than guys. I mean they take it seriously.

[ELLEN makes a wry look.]

SPENCE
Aren't you a little bit intimidated?

ELLEN
[hesitates] No. No, because Laurie is kind, and, and a wonderful, an--and giving and--

PAIGE
[matter of fact] Experienced.
I mean, wasn't she with this, Karen woman for like, ever? Hah. Look, they probably did everything in the book.

ELLEN
[doubtful pause, deadpans] There's a book?

AUDREY
Please! Ellen is under enough pressure without you bringing up her Complete Lack Knowledge of the Art of Female Pleasuring. [delicately dabs mouth with napkin]

PAIGE
You know what, you know what? Maybe her Standards aren't so high. Maybe this Karen was not such a great lover--I mean did she ever mention anything like that?

ELLEN
I wonder if that book comes on tape..

LAURIE
Hi.

ELLEN
Oh, a puppet show. Hey, how're you? [makes hand like a puppet, LAURIE laughs, the "puppets" kiss in fun]
Hi. [they kiss]

LAURIE
Come on in. Dinner's almost ready.

ELLEN
[coming in] You look great..

LAURIE
Thank you. [(they head for dining area)]

ELLEN
Cloth napkins. Who died?

LAURIE
Guess what? I'm, actually cooking.

ELLEN
Fro--from scratch?

LAURIE
Yeah, sure, as far as you know. [chuckles] It's uh, it's lasagna--I figured I would just go ahead, an' tell you right away so that there are no embarrassing questions during dinner.

HOLLY
[coming in from bedroom, has backpack] Hey, Ellen.

ELLEN
Hey, Holly.
What ya got there?

HOLLY
Oh, the usual: toothbrush, change o' clothes. Flute.

ELLEN
Oh, my god, you're running away to join Jethro Tull.

HOLLY
No, I'm staying at Megan's house. You an' mom are on your own tonight.

ELLEN
Really.. Wow, well, I guess we know the rules: no boys in the house.

[HOLLY rolls her eyes. The intercom buzzer rings.]

HOLLY
That's, Megan in the lobby. [calling] Mom, I'm going.

LAURIE
[calling from kitchen] Okay. See you tomorrow.

[HOLLY leaves.]

LAURIE
[calling] Hey, Ellen, why don't ya, uh, turn on the stereo. How about a little Edith Piaf?

ELLEN
[pause, a little anxious] Yeah, everybody likes a good rice dish.

[ELLEN puts the tape in and meanders over to the bedroom. She silently, anxiously reacts to what's in there: lit candles and drinks on night table in the dark room. She rushes to the dining area just as LAURIE's coming back. LAURIE has two glasses of wine.]

ELLEN
Hey.

LAURIE
[hands ELLEN glass of wine] It's great to finally be alone.

ELLEN
And it's a, great time to be an American. Heh. [clinks glass]

LAURIE
The--uh--the wines are for before our dinner aaand, after dinner I've got brandy in the bedroom.

ELLEN
Really?! T.V.'s Moesha?
I'm kidding. I know, the beverage, that's what you meant?

LAURIE
Mmm-hm. [holds her hand, leading her to couch]

ELLEN
Well, ya did the place up nice, huh?

LAURIE
[sitting] Yeah, well, I wanted it to be special.
Which--uh--which is Good, right?

ELLEN
[sits] Yes! Yes, uh great! Great, I just uh--you know--it's so special it, took my breath away, you know. [fakes gasping] Okay.

Ohhh, no, it--it ki--it--it just kind o'--it just kind o' took me by surprise, that's all.

LAURIE
Why--is that a problem?

ELLEN
No.

[The phone starts ringing. ELLEN indicates to LAURIE to answer it, but LAURIE just looks at her.]

ELLEN
Phone.

LAURIE
[a little concerned] Heh. Yeah well the--the machine is on. What, what's the matter. Ellen.

ELLEN
Nothing. I'm just--wait--

LAURIE'S MACHINE
Hi, this is Laurie. Leave a message after the beep.

ELLEN
That's a funny one. Heh.

PETER
[on phone, an alarm is going in the background] Oh uh, hello Laurie. This is Peter, Ellen's friend. Um, huh. Hi, how're you doing? Good. Well, um. Uh. Wellll, I'm actually looking for Ellen--

ELLEN
[picks up] Peter? Hi--what's going on?

(PETER's standing in the Morgans' living room. A SECURITY GUARD is there, writing something. The dog's on the couch, barking, the alarm is very loud.)

PETER
Oh, Ellen, thank goodness. What is your parents' security system code word?

ELLEN
W--it's "codeword"--why?

PETER
"Codeword"?

LAURIE
Is everything all right?

PETER
The--the, the code word is "codeword"?

ELLEN
Yes. They're not very imaginative people. They, they almost named me Daughter.
Well, what--what, what's the matter?

PETER
Oh, well um, the dog, who {if they name things correctly,} is uh Idiot, jumped up on a window sensor and tripped the alarm. Uh--

ELLEN
Uuuum, look--I--I can come right over, if that's what you need.

[The alarm's stopped.]

PETER
Oh, no, not necessary: problem solved. [hangs up, giving dog a peeved look]

ELLEN
Okay. [hangs up]

LAURIE
What was that all about?

ELLEN
[backing out of room, smiling] I, I. I've gotta go. Um, I've, but um, I'll, I'll call you.

LAURIE
But wait, you're leaving uh--do you want me to come with you--

ELLEN
No no no, this is my responsibility, I'm the one who put man, beast and technology together.

LAURIE
[dismayed] Well. Uh. What--what about dinner?

ELLEN
I know, I'm sorry. Look at all the trouble an'--um, that's--eat. You go ahead and eat and uh, and when Holly gets home, she'll be happy, 'cause there'll be a, lasagna an'--an' uh, and brandy, which children love.

[LAURIE's left standing with her arms crossed, knowing something's off.]

PETER
[notices her] Uh!
Ellen, I told you you didn't have to come over!

ELLEN
[glib] Yeah, well, after you hung up, the dog called right back and said, "Get over here!"
So where is he?

PETER
Kujo? Uh, he finally calmed down, he's in there. [pointing to bedroom]

ELLEN
My parent's bedroom? [heading over]

PETER
Oh. Ellen, before you, look I, I--thi-I-should-warn-you!

[Too late. She looks in.]

ELLEN
There's a very happy dog with a half a Roast Beef on, my parent's bed.

PETER
Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. I tried to get him to eat a salad with it.

ELLEN
[shuts bedroom door] So why are you still here.

PETER
[sits] Oh, um. I had a blow up with Barrett. An', I was thinking maybe I could spend the night here, if that's okay with you?

ELLEN
[sits] Sure. Yeah. I don't think my parents would mind.

PETER
Oo, and what about your dinner with Laurie?
Uh--are you all right?

ELLEN
Yeah. Sure.
Do you mind if I just hang out with you for a while?

PETER
Sure.

ELLEN
[looking around her, grabs a Reader's Digest] I'm just gonna look. A little reading, just light--light reading.

PETER
Sure.

ELLEN
Oh. Look at this: "Laughter in the Military."
It--it seems that there was a lieutenant an' an' his actual name was, Lou, Tenant. Well you can imagine the mix-ups.

PETER
Something's wrong.

ELLEN
Maybe. A little bit. Laurie uh.. Laurie surprised me with this nice romantic evening, tonight. So. Naturally I freaked out and left.

PETER
Why?!

ELLEN
'Cause.. Hah, 'cause, she had candles lit in the bedroom and I'm pretty sure she has electricity.

PETER
Ellen. Everybody's nervous the first time. Men and women. Just remember--you know--this is her first time, too.
Well, with you.

ELLEN
Uh--I was feeling better, until that "with you" part.

PETER
Well. You have nothing to be a-scared of, it's gonna be great.

ELLEN
Yeah. Well, that's easy for you to say. I mean, what--what, what if it isn't? So far, it's been theoretical, you know, but what if, what if I don't.. do it right? You know, I mean, the last thing I want to huh, hear is, is, is her stopping me in the middle saying, "What the hell are you doing?" [looks up, down, left, right]

PETER
[pause] Ellen. Huh. You're getting way too hung up on the physical part of it. She's not scoring you like it's the Olympics.

ELLEN
Uh.. Thank god. I would hate to have to wait another four years to try it again.

PETER
[nicely hugging throw pillow] Let me tell you about the first night I spent with Barrett--

ELLEN
No thank you.

PETER
[sincere] We didn't do anything.
He'd had to work late the night before. We were lying there talking.. and uh, he just fell asleep.
So I, I lay there, in his arms. All night. Listening to his heart beating..
It was the Most, comforting sound I'd ever heard..
After years of, feeling like nobody understood me, I didn't belong.. Oh, I felt like I was finally home.. [smiling at her]

ELLEN
Wow.. I wanna sleep with Barrett..

PETER
Oh, god, I'm tearing up. I can't believe I yelled at him tonight.
You know, so he, left a, wet towel on the bed. There are Worse Things.

ELLEN
Like beef..

PETER
[gets up, leaving] I have to go home, Ellen. I'm sorry.
[stops] Oo--uh, what uh--what are you gonna do?

ELLEN
Oo, uh I'm just gonna sit here for a little while and hope that Laurie decides that, me bolting out o' the house is just another of my Delightful Quirks.

PETER
[nice, matter of fact] Don't beat yourself up. This is a big deal. And if it's right, like it was with us, you'll know it. Don't settle for less. [points at her and goes to door]
[turns to her] And, you know, uh, in a way, it's, like you're getting your virginity back.

ELLEN
Yeah.. sure.. that I get back, sunglasses, I never see again.

ELLEN
Hi.

LAURIE
Hi.

ELLEN
[reveals she has flowers] Brought ya these.
The florist was closed but my mom has a garden. So, if there's any tomato plants in there, it was very dark.

LAURIE
Come in. So everything's okay at the house?

ELLEN
Yeah. Yeah, as soon as the security guys, realized it was a false alarm, they just, fired a few rounds into the bushes an' left..

[ELLEN continues to try to make things light, tries to put the flowers--they're big, sunflowers and such--in the vase on the table with the roses. It all won't fit in, so she takes the roses out and puts her flowers in. LAURIE's half amused, watching from several feet away. ELLEN notices the untouched lasagna.]

ELLEN
Hey, that lasagna looks good. They should add that to the recipe: "let stand.. three hours." Heh.

LAURIE
You didn't call.

ELLEN
No, I know, I, I had to, make sure everything was okay with Peter.

LAURIE
Mm-hm.. You were gone an awful long time.

ELLEN
Well, the--I had to, make sure that everything was, okay with everybody named Peter. [goes to her]

LAURIE
I thought maybe you were running away from me.

ELLEN
No. I--I just uh.. I got a little thrown, you know? I mean the, the candles, an' the wine, an' the dinner, and.. I'm sure there was a very lovely dessert planned. But I, I talked to Peter and I'm, feeling a lot better now..

LAURIE
Oh, well, huh.. Good, everybody get your party hats 'cause Ellen feels better. [heads for couch]

ELLEN
Uh-oh.

LAURIE
[moving glasses from coffee table to dining table] Look--you know, you spent the last three hours making yourself feel better an' I, spent the last three hours repeating to myself, "Laurie Manning is a good person, Laurie Manning is a good person."

ELLEN
[nice, but like business] Oh--ay, okay? That--I was--I was wrong. You--okay, let's talk about that.

LAURIE
[while moving plates from coffee table] Oh, well--now you wanna talk! Ellen. Look. You shut me out. Okay? Just tell me, what's the matter? Is it that, you're.. not interested in sleeping with me?

ELLEN
No. No, I want to--no, I'm very interested in sleeping with you. I--I--believe me--I'm uh--what--what's the biggest number--what, like, probably like--the--eight hundred an' somethin'--that's how interested I am!
[calms] I--I--you know.. what you had planned tonight? That's, exactly what I want, I just.. once it was a lasagna away, I.. got scared. [swallows]

LAURIE
[irritated, calmer now, at a loss, sits on couch with ELLEN] Why it? It's not like I was, planning anything, exotic, you know, the, the trained seal does most of the work.

ELLEN
[quips] Don't even kid around, ha. Don't scare me. Ha ha.

I--I guess I just uh.. kind of all of a sudden felt like I wasn't ready--I just got nervous.

LAURIE
What do you think, that I'm, that I'm not nervous, I mean.. Do you know how much, courage it takes for me to put myself back out there--I've been in a relationship for most of my adult life.

ELLEN
[pause] Karen.

LAURIE
Yeah right.. Followed by a long dry spell, and, I mean I haven't been with anyone in a, in a long time.

ELLEN
How long.

LAURIE
Eight months.

ELLEN
[pause] Wow. That's a, boy, that's like a lifetime, huh? [looks away, wryly uncomfortable]

LAURIE
Yes. So.. so you can see that this is a big deal for me..

ELLEN
[pause] You know, we haven't talked about this an' we probably should have.

LAURIE
Sleeping together?

ELLEN
Yeah. The truth is, I have uh, haven't been with, that many women. I mean, the number of women that I've been with, you could, count on, no hands.

LAURIE
[taken aback, mentally groping] Wait, Ellen, you've.. you've never..

ELLEN
Never ever.
The closest I came, was I, I slept with a guy named Leslie.

LAURIE
Ha, huh. Whoa.. [looks down] So uh, so you been wha, waiting for this all your life, an' now--ha-ha--now it's up to me to deliver.

ELLEN
Doe'n't sound so fun anymore, does it?

LAURIE
Ha ha huh. Oh, man. Okay, it's a li--it's a little overwhelming.

[They both sit back, patiently amused about themselves.]

ELLEN
[sigh] You're, you're not gonna give up on me, are ya?

LAURIE
Mm-mm.
No.

No um, we can.. we can just go a little more slowly. [comfortably holds ELLEN's hand]

ELLEN
[pause] Not too slow. I--I need to give my parents something for their Christmas newsletter.

NARRATOR
.. colonies set about healing the wounds of war, and establishing a government founded on the principles of Life.. Liberty.. and the Pursuit, of Happiness.

LAURIE
[slowly waking] Mmm. Uh, hey.

ELLEN
[tired] Hey.

LAURIE
[while idly stroking ELLEN's hair] What cha doin'..

ELLEN
Listening to your heart beat..

LAURIE
Nnn.

ELLEN
Wait a minute.. It's sending me a message, morse code, hold on.. Send. More. Cheese?

LAURIE
Ha ha.
Uhh, hey, you realize we ah, we spent our first night together?

ELLEN
[sits up] Yeah. That's how a girl gets a reputation.

LAURIE
Mmm.
Oh. Did you watch that whole tape?

ELLEN
Mm-hm.
[taking simple white flower off coffee table] Actually, it was pretty boring. 'Til Thomas Jefferson started granting wishes and people started flying.
Maybe I dozed off a minute.

LAURIE
Yeah, wow, it's really late.

ELLEN
[sniffing flower] Or really early. [L: "Uh-huh."] Depending on how you look at it. When's Holly get home? [looking at watch]

LAURIE
Uh, not until about two this afternoon.

ELLEN
[pause] Really?

LAURIE
Uh-uh.

ELLEN
Hm. Just--just me an' you 'til, two. [L: "Uh-uh."] Without adolescent supervision.

LAURIE
[sleepy] Ha ha.

ELLEN
That's dangerous.
[pause, puts a flower petal on LAURIE's pajamas, looks over at her] She loves me..
[slowly stands, drops a petal to floor] She loves me not..
[backs up, confident but tentative, drops another petal] She loves me.. [(LAURIE's holding the first petal to her nose, an innocent smile, she gets up, following her)]
[ELLEN slowly continues, backing toward bedroom, drops a petal] She loves me not..
[another petal] She loves me..
[another] She loves me not.. [(the flower's plucked out!) makes a look, grabs a potted african violet and puts it on the floor]
She loves me.. [holds LAURIE's hand]

[They pause, look at each other, hand in hand, ELLEN gently leads them into the bedroom. It's nice, sweet.]

Last Updated: 30 Oct 1998