Synopsis: Meet three main characters in the pilot of a new show about nothing. Learn about the signals, doing the opposite, doing the laundry, and men with no ideas.

Variety magazine reviewed this pilot in their 2 Aug, 1989 issue. The reviewer referred to Kramer as "Hoffman," so I guess that's a change they later made (in fact, during the episode, Jerry apparently calls him "Kessler"). Other changes of note:

• There's no Elaine. They are sort of friends with the waitress (Claire) where they eat.
• They don't eat at Monk's but at a deli called Pete's.
  
• Jerry's much more innocent, cautious. George is almost his cool friend, giving advice.
  
• Kramer's much more animalistic. Also, he never leaves his apartment building.
  
• Jerry's apartment seems like a penthouse. He has an airy balcony and there's a partial skyline in view, instead of just the windows across the street. But it's not a big place--it's the same place we're used to, but it's smaller. The only door inside is the bathroom door--no hall, no bike hanging up, no bedroom. Of course, there could be a whole suite of rooms behind where the cameras are and we'd not know it. :-)
• Jerry's furniture is completely different from even the first episodes. His couch is this grey vinyl thing. Much of the other furniture looks like it came from Pier I Imports. Wicker stools/chairs by the bar/counter. No cereal shelf. The refrigerator is freezer on top, rest on bottom instead of split down the middle. The kitchen cabinets are light blue and beige.

The Cast

Character	Actor
Jerry Seinfeld	Jerry Seinfeld
George Costanza	Jason Alexander
Hoffman (Kramer)	Michael Richards
Claire (waitress)	Lee Garlington
Laura	Pamela Brull

When I printed this, it took 18 pages.

Braces {} enclose the very first seconds of this episode because I don't have it on tape.

Transcribed via microcassette tape (from a syndicated broadcast), and VCR tape.

{You know, why we're here? To be Out, this is Out.. And Out is one of the single most} enjoyable experiences of life. People get--you know how people talk about, "We should go out"? This is what they're talking about. This whole thing. We're all out now. No one is home. Not one person here is home! We're all out! There are people tryin' to find us! They don't know where we are! "Did you reach--I can't find him," "Where did he go?" "He didn't tell me where he was going. He must have gone out."

You wanna go out. You get ready. You pick out the clothes, right? You get the shower, get all ready. Get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation. Then you stand around. What do you do: you go, "We gotta be gettin' back."

Once you're out, you wanna get back!

You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Wherever you are in life, it's my feeling: you gotta go.

JERRY
See, now, to me that button's in the worst possible spot. The second button, literally makes or breaks the shirt--look at it. It's too high! It's in no-man's land. You look like you live with your mother.

GEORGE
Are you through?..

JERRY
You do, of course, try it on when you buy.

GEORGE
Yes! It was purple! I liked it! I don't actually recall considering the button!

JERRY
Oh, you don't recaaall..

GEORGE
[clearing throat, pretends to speak into a microphone like in the Watergate hearings] No, uh, not at this time.

JERRY
Well, Senator, I'd just like to know what you knew and when you knew it.

[WAITRESS (CLAIRE) comes up. She has two glass coffee pots with brown spouts.]

CLAIRE
Mr. Seinfeld. Mr. Costanza.

GEORGE
A-are you sure this is decaf? Where's the orange indicator?

CLAIRE
It's missing. I have to do it in my head. Decaf left, regular right. Decaf left, regular right. It's Very Challenging Work.

JERRY
[gives GEORGE a look] Can you relax? It's a cup of coffee. Claire's a professional waitress.

CLAIRE
Trust me, George. No one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine. [has finished with the coffee and leaves]

GEORGE
How come you're not doin' the second show tomorrow?

JERRY
Well, there's this, uh, woman might be comin' in.

GEORGE
Wait a second, wait a second! What, "coming in"? What woman is coming in?

JERRY
I told you about Laura.. The girl I met in Michigan--

GEORGE
No you didn't!

JERRY
I thought I told you about it. Yeah, she teaches Political Science; I met her the night I did the show in Lansing.

GEORGE
Ha!

JERRY
[looking in the cream pitcher] There's no milk in here. What is the story, what is the--why is there no milk-- [GEORGE is talking over him]

GEORGE
So wait, wait, wait! What is she--what is she--What is she like!

JERRY
Oh, she's, really great. She's got like a real warmth about her an' she's really bright an' really pretty, an', uh. An' the conversation, though, I mean, it was.. You know, talking with her, it was like talking with you. But, you know, obviously, much better.

GEORGE
Oh, mm--what--what happened?

JERRY
Oh, nothing happened, you know, but it was great.

GEORGE
[imitating at first] Oh, nothing happened but it was--But, well, this is great!

JERRY
Yeah. Yeah.

GEORGE
So, you know, she called an' said she wants to go out with you tomorrow night?! God bless! You devil you!

JERRY
Yeah, well, not exactly. I mean, she said--You know--she called this morning an' said she had to come in for a seminar an' maybe we'd get together.

GEORGE
[whistles, waves hand] Whoa, whoa, whoa, had to? Had to come in?

JERRY
Yeah. But--

GEORGE
Had to come in?

JERRY
Yeah but--

GEORGE
And maybe we'll get together? "Had to" and "maybe"?

JERRY
Yeah!

GEORGE
No. No! No! I hate to tell you this, you're not gonna see this woman.

JERRY
What--Are you serious? Why--Why did she call?

GEORGE
What do I know? May--you know--maybe she wanted to be polite.

JERRY
To be polite??
You are insane!

GEORGE
All right, all right; I didn't want to tell you this--you wanna know why she called?

JERRY
Yes.

GEORGE
You're a backup! You're a second line, a Just in Case! A "B" plan! A contingency.

JERRY
Oh, I get it: this is about the button..

GEORGE
Claire! Claire. You're a woman. Right?

CLAIRE
[comes over, wryly] What gave it away, George?

GEORGE
All right. I'd like to ask you, ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, you know, from a female point of view--

JERRY
Oh, come on, now! What're you asking her? Now, how is she gonna know--

GEORGE
Now. A woman calls me. Right? She says she has to--

JERRY
No--

GEORGE
--come to New York on business--

JERRY
You are beautiful--

GEORGE
An' an', maybe, she'll see me when she gets in. Does this woman intend to spend time with me?

CLAIRE
I'd have to say, uh, "No."

[GEORGE had been writing something in pencil on a clipboard and turns it around now. It says "NO."]

GEORGE
[pause] So why did she call.

CLAIRE
Be polite?

GEORGE
To be polite. I rest my case [CLAIRE starts writing up the check]

JERRY
Good. Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea what you're talking about. [stands up] Now come on, come with me, I--I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway.

GEORGE
I'm not gonna watch you do laundry!

JERRY
Oh, come on! Be a come-with guy!

GEORGE
[relaxing with his coffee] Come on! I'm tired!

CLAIRE
[putting down their check] Don't worry, I gave him a little caffeine. He'll perk up.

GEORGE
[takes glasses off, worried, stressed] All right. I knew I felt something. I can't--

GEORGE
Jerry? I have to tell you something.

This is the dullest moment I've ever experienced.

JERRY
You didn't even hear how she sounded.

GEORGE
What?

JERRY
Laura.

GEORGE
I can't believe--we already discussed this!

JERRY
Yeah, but how could you be so sure?

GEORGE
Because it's signals [snapping fingers fast] Jerry! It's signals! Don't you, ohhh! [stops snapping]

All right. Did she even ask you what you were doing tomorrow night, if you were busy?

JERRY
No.

GEORGE
She calls you today? She doesn't make a plan for tomorrow? What is that!? It's Saturday night!

JERRY
Yeah.

GEORGE
What is that?! It's ridiculous! You don't even know what hotel she's staying at! You can't call her! That's a signal, Jerry. That's a signal. Signals. [snapping some more, paces away]

JERRY
Maybe you're right!

GEORGE
[to another CUSTOMER] Maybe I'm right! Of course I'm right.

JERRY
This is insane. You know, I don't even know where she's staying! She's--she's not gonna call me. Unbelievable!

GEORGE
[comes to him, quietly wryly consoling] I know, I know.
Listen. Your stuff has to be done by now. Why don't you just see if it's dry? Just--you know--

JERRY
No, no, no! Don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working! It--it knows what it's doing; just let it finish.

GEORGE
You're gonna over dry it.

JERRY
Ya--Ya can't over dry.

GEORGE
Why not?!

JERRY
Same reason you can't over wet. See, once something is wet, it's Wet. Same thing with Death. Like, once you die, you're dead. Right? Let's say you drop dead an' I shoot you. You're not gonna die again; you're already dead! Ya can't over die, ya can't over dry!

GEORGE
[looks around and gestures to CUSTOMERS] Any questions? [goes, leans on dryer again, waiting]

JERRY
[pause] How could she not tell me where she was staying?

GEORGE
[surreptitiously opens dryer door just enough to turn it off, then, shuts it again] Look at that! They're done!

JERRY
[gets up, doesn't know he was fooled]

Laundry Day is the only Exciting Day in the Life of Clothes. It is. No, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You, know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kind of dancin' around in there. Shirt grabs the underwear, "Come on, babe, let's go." You come by, you open up the lid, they all [he freezes].

Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives; they're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape an' they all know it. They do escape from the dryer--they plan it in the hamper, the night before. "Tomorrow. The Dryer. I'm goin'."

"You wait here."

The Dryer door swings open, the sock is waiting up against the side wall. [stands like a guy standing flat against a wall, looking left and right, cautious] He hopes you don't see him, an' he goes down the road! [hums a jaunty tune] They get buttons sewn on their face--join a puppet show.

So they're showin' me on television the detergent for getting out blood stains. Is this a violent image to anybody: blood stains? I mean, come on, you got a tee-shirt with blood stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now! You're gonna get the harpoon outta your chest first!

JERRY
If you know what happened in the Met game, don't say anything; I taped it. Hello.

Yeah--no--I'm--I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.
Yeah, no. [door knocks]
[to door] Yeah?

KRAMER
[opens door] You up?

JERRY
[to KRAMER] Yeah. [to phone] Yeah. People do move. Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? [pauses, listening, getting fed up] Yeah--no problem. [hangs up]

KRAMER
Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?

JERRY
[goes on the floor in misery] OOOhhh!!! What are you doooing?! Kessler, it's a tape! I taped the game! It's one o'clock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch thiiis..

KRAMER
[is kneeling on floor in sympathy, helplessly shrugs] Hey, I'm sorry, I--you know, I--I thought you knew, I.. [out of each of his robe pockets, he pulls out a slice of bread, jiggles them wordlessly at JERRY]
You got any meat?

JERRY
Meat?! I--I don't know. Go--hunt!

KRAMER
[goes, looks in refrigerator]

JERRY
Well, what--what happened in the game, anyway?

KRAMER
[shouting from deep in the refrigerator] What happened? Well they stunk! That's what happened!

You know, I almost wound up goin' to that game? [has come out of the refrigerator with his meaty sandwich]

JERRY
Yeah, you almost went to the game--you haven't been out of the building in ten years.

KRAMER
[struck pause] Yeah. [he and JERRY look at each other] What.. [he's like a human dog, mouth full of meat, dopey]

[JERRY moves newspapers from the couch so KRAMER can sit by him. KRAMER sits and looks at a magazine while JERRY eats his cereal and watches the game. KRAMER sees something he likes and is ripping it out. JERRY looks at him in astonishment and KRAMER realizes he wasn't supposed to do that.]

KRAMER
Ya done with this?

JERRY
No..

[KRAMER awkwardly looks at his clipping and helplessly licks the edges of it and presses it back on the page. He puts the magazine back on the coffee table.]

KRAMER
When you're done let me know, will ya.

JERRY
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can have it tomorrow.

KRAMER
I thought I wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend..

JERRY
No, uh, it's okay now. That--that girl's not comin'; uh, I--I misread the whole thing.

KRAMER
[pause] Oh..
Want me to talk to her?

JERRY
[pauses, looking at the human dog] I don't think so.

KRAMER
Uh, I can be very persuasive.
You know that I was almost: a Lawyer? [holding two fingers close together]

JERRY
[indicates small space with thumb and finger] That close, huh?

KRAMER
[assuredly] You better believe it.

[phone rings. JERRY picks up.]

JERRY
Hello.
Oh, hi! Laura! [stands, walking by KRAMER with the phone]

KRAMER
[mouth is full, reaches for phone] Oh, give me it; let me talk to her. [continues this as JERRY talks]

JERRY
[while waving him off him] No, what's up? Believe me; I'm always up at this hour.
How are you? [KRAMER's stopped asking now]
Great.
Sure.
W--What time's the plane get in?
I get my friend George to take me--

KRAMER
[mouth very full, says to TV?] The slide! Ow!

JERRY
[about the shout] No--it'd--it's, just my neighbor. Um. [grabs cereal box and writes on it] Yeah, I got it: ten fifteen. No, don't be silly. Go ahead an' ask.

Yeah! Sure!
Okay. Great! No--no, it's no trouble at all!
I--I'll see you tomorrow.
Great. Bye. [hangs up]
I--I don't believe it. That--that was her! She wants to stay here!

JERRY
If my father was moving this, he'd have to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. [imitating] "Ya got your end? [cough] You're end's got ta come down first. Easy now, drop it down--drop it down--you're end's gotta come down."

GEORGE
You know, I can't believe you're bringin' an extra bed for a woman that wants to sleep with you. Why don't cha bring in an extra guy, too?

JERRY
Look, it's a very awkward situation! I--don--I don't want to be presumptuous. [they start drinking sodas]

GEORGE
All right, all right. One more time, one more time. What was the exact phrasing of the request?

JERRY
All right. She said she couldn't find a decent hotel room..

GEORGE
"A decent hotel room--"

JERRY
Yeah, a decent hotel room, would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place?

GEORGE
[takes this in a second] You can't be serious! This is New York City! There must be eleven million decent hotel rooms! What do you need, a--a flag?! [does arm motions with his clean handkerchief, like a signaler] This is the signal, Jerry! This is the signal!

JERRY
This is the signal--Thank you Mr. Signal! Where were you yesterday?!

GEORGE
I think I was affected by the caffeine.

[A medium sized dog comes bounding in, happily jumping on GEORGE, who panics! KRAMER follows the dog in, wearing his robe again. GEORGE falls back on the couch and the dog is licking his face!]

GEORGE
Oh! Oh! Oh--My! Good dog! Good dog! All right!

KRAMER
Hey! He really likes you, George!

GEORGE
Well, that's flattering. [dog has moved on--to the bathroom]

KRAMER
[looks after dog] Ah, he's gettin' a drink of water..
[sees futon] Is this for that girl?

JERRY
Yeah.

KRAMER
Why even give her an option?

JERRY
This is a person I like. It's not: How to Score on Spring Break.

GEORGE
All right. Can we go? Because I'm double parked, I'm gonna get a ticket..

JERRY
Yeah. Okay--oh, wait a second--Oh, I--I forgot to clean the bathroom.

GEORGE
So what? That's good!

JERRY
Now, how could that be good?

GEORGE
Because filth is good! What do you think, rock stars have sponges an' ammonia lying around the bathroom? Think they have a woman coming over, "I've gotta tidy up," you--uh--in these matters, ya never do what your instincts tell you. Always--always--do the opposite.

JERRY
This is how you operate.

GEORGE
Yeah. I wish.

JERRY
Let me just, wipe the sink. [heads for bathroom] It'll be just one second..

KRAMER
[shouts after him] Why even give her an option for?
[quiet, to GEORGE] Unbelievable.

GEORGE
Yeah.

KRAMER
[pause] How's the Real Estate business..

GEORGE
[not comfortable about the idea of business with KRAMER] It's, uh, not bad, it's, comin' along.
Why? Did you need something?

KRAMER
You have any of that Commercial--wooo--Real Estate?

GEORGE
Well, I might be getting into that..

KRAMER
You keep me posted.

GEORGE
I'm aware of you. [to bathroom door] All right, let's go! Let's go!

JERRY
Wouldn't it be great if you could ask, a woman what she's thinking?

GEORGE
What a world that would be if you could just ask a woman what she's thinking.

JERRY
You know, instead, I'm like a detective, I've got to pick up clues. The whole thing's a murder investigation.

GEORGE
All right, lis--listen. Don't get worked up because you're gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane.

JERRY
Really? How?

GEORGE
Because it's all in the greeting!

JERRY
Uh-huh.

GEORGE
All right: if she puts the bags down before she greets you? That's a good sign.

JERRY
Right.

GEORGE
You know, anything in the--in the lip area is good.

JERRY
[echoing] Lip area.

GEORGE
An' a hug, definitely good.

JERRY
Hug is definitely good. [GEORGE: "Sure."] Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart! [demonstrating, GEORGE does, too--he got the picture right away]

GEORGE
I know, they're brutal. I hate that--

JERRY
You know how they do that?

GEORGE
Also, you know, a--a shake [motions handshake] is bad.

JERRY
Shake is bad. But what if it's the two hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top? The warm look in the eyes--

GEORGE
Hand sandwich--

JERRY
Right.

GEORGE
Absolu--Well, I--it's open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering [JERRY: Uh-huh.], and the quality of the wetness in the eyes. That's--

JERRY
Uh-huh.

LAURA
[has arrived, put her bags down. Comes up behind JERRY and covers his eyes] Guess who?!

JERRY
[turns and she releases him] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Good to see ya!

[They both are nervously handshaking/clasping hand to hand up in air (her left and his right together, and ditto the other sides's hands)-- nervous! JERRY looks at GEORGE awkwardly, GEORGE can't determine what this is]

LAURA
Hi!

JERRY
This is my friend, George. This is Laura..

[GEORGE and LAURA exchange how are ya's, nice to meet you's. She's very effusive.]

JERRY
I can't believe you're here.

[LAURA sort of giggles. All of them feel awkward. Both guys say, "Well.. Oh, the bags." JERRY and GEORGE get her bags.]

LAURA
Oh, thank you.

[They all start off. LAURA walking ahead.]

JERRY
Boy, that was an interesting greeting. Did you notice, that, George?

GEORGE
Yes. The Surprise Blindfold Greeting. Heh. That wasn't in the manual--I.

JERRY
So, uh. What d'ya think? [indicating apartment]

LAURA
[admiring] Ohhh! Wow! This place isn't so bad..

JERRY
Yeah. It kind of motivates me to work on the road.

So, uh, make yourself at home!

[LAURA sits on the couch, relaxes. She flips off her shoes and unbuttons the neck button of her shirt.]

JERRY
[awkward pause] So, uh, can I get ya anything, uh. Bread? Water?.. Salad dressing?..

LAURA
Ha, ha. Actually, um, do you have any wine?

JERRY
Uh, yeah, I think I do. [looks]

LAURA
[about the lamp] Oh, uh, do--do you mind if I turn this down?

JERRY
Uh, no, yeah, go--go right ahead.. Yeah..

LAURA
Uh, Jerry. I was wondering would it be possible--an--an' if it's not, fine.. for me ta, stay here tomorrow night, too?

JERRY
[with glasses and wine, comes over--taking his sneakers off on the way] Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Why not just stay? Yeah! Um.. What is your, what is your, schedule for tomorrow? Do you--are you doing anything?

LAURA
Well, no, I'd love to do something. Um--I have my seminar in the morning but, after that, I'm wide open.

JERRY
Really? What would you like to do?

LAURA
Well. Uh-ha! Now I know this sounds touristy but, I'd just love to go on one of those five hour boat rides around Manhattan.

JERRY
[Ooookay..] Yeah, we could do that..
[lightens] Why not? Why not?

LAURA
[chuckles]

JERRY
I'm just--I'm really glad you're here. [phone rings and he gets it via hitting one end of the receiver and catching it with his other hand] Y--hello?

Yes.
Yes, she is. Hold on. [hands it to her] Um: it's for you..

LAURA
Oh.
[to phone, looking away from JERRY] Hello?
Hi!
No--no, it was great! Right on time.
No--I--I--I'm gonna stay here tomorrow. [looks back at JERRY, who nods]
Yes, yes it's fine.
Ha! No! We're going on a boat ride!
[JERRY, right in the background, feels awkward--this is a chummy conversation..]
Don't be silly..
Ha!--Uh!--I'm not gonna have this conversation.
Ah, look, I--I'll call ya tomorrow.
Okay. Bye. [hangs up]
[to the air] Huh. Never get engaged..

JERRY
[lightly wry] You're engaged?

LAURA
Eh--You know, you really have no idea what it's like until you actually do it--Yeah--I'm on this emotional roller coaster. Uh!

JERRY
You're engaged?

LAURA
Yeah--I can't believe it myself sometimes.. Y--you have to start thinking in terms of "we"--y--ah--it's a very stressful situation.

JERRY
[it's okay, nice guy] You're engaged.

LAURA
Yeah. Yeah. He's a great guy!

JERRY
Yeah.

LAURA
Heh, heh--you'd really like him!--You know, I can't wait to get on that boat!

JERRY
[not] Me too.

I swear: I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I--I--I admit! I--I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it.

Women, they're so subtle. They're little--everything they do is sssubtle! [announcing] Men are not subtle! [regular voice] We are obvious. Women know what men want. Men know what men want. What do we want? We want Women. That's it!

It's the only thing we know for sure! It really is! We want women. How do we get them? [deep voice] "Oh, we don't know about that, we don't know."

The next step after that, we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car horns, yelling from construction sites--these are the best ideas we've had so far!

The Car Horn Honk. Is that the beauty? Have you seen men doing this?

What is this? The man is in the car. The woman, walks by the front of the car. He honks the--[makes long car horn noises]. This man: is out of ideas. How does this--[makes horn noise a few times, then shrugs]--"I don't think she likes me."

The amazing thing is that we still get women, don't we? Men--I mean, men are with women. You see men with women.

"How are men getting women," many people wonder.

Let me tell you a little bit about our organization:

Wherever women are--we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best maaan.. Okay? We have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene.

That's why I think men get frustrated when we see women reading articles, like, "Where to Meet Men."! We're here--we are everywhere! We're honkin' our horns to serve you better.

Last Updated: 1 Jan 1999