Well we made all the plans to get me to Indiana, but it was one of the saddest days for me. Having to say good bye to all my friends, give up what family I did have in Ohio, and just plain having to start over. But I Knew I was strong enough to get through it, and I knew my sister would help me. So that same night I called him, and I told him I didn't know what he was planning to do, but I had to do something. I told him I was moving to Indiana.

Well about 4 days after I was in Indiana, guess who showed up? Well I took him back, and I was estatic to see him.

Well on October 12, 1990, I married this man, not because I wanted to, but because that was the deal with my sister. In order for us to live in her apartment we had to be married. I did love him very much so I was thinking only possitive things at this time. I knew my daughter would have her daddy, and we would all be happy. Well, it did start that way.

There always seemed to be a fight about him not getting enough sex. I could never do enough for him. I felt as though I was going into a depression. Then in December of 1990, I found out we were pregnant again. I of course was estatic that I was gonna have another baby. He however did not share the same love of pregnancy as I did. Well, needless to say, there was no "physical" abuse, of any kind while I was pregnant, And for that I was thankful, but sometimes the mental and emotional abuse can be just as bad. Scars can heal, but what about the heart and mind healing?

On September 4, 1991, I delivered a beautiful healthy baby boy. Yet another little angel to behold. Such a joy for me, but since I made the majority of the money in the family, I had to go back to work 6 weeks after. I hated to do it, but I knew I had to. So off I went. My oldest niece would watch the kids for me, so I could go to work. I was so thankful that I had her to do that for me, it gave me some security in knowing they would be safe.

Well at this point I was very unhappy with my homelife, but I didn't really have the courage to do anything about it. I would get shoved around by my husband, and even punched in the headon different occasions, but I went on with my life, because at that time, I had no faith in myself. And now, where I am today, I wish I would never have stopped believing in me. I know that my children never stopped and somehow that is what kept me going. I ended up putting my husband through school, so he could look forward to a better job, I paid all the bills that I could at the time, I took care of my children and the apartment the best I could, and he gets out of school, and ends up pumping gas. I mean why did I even bother? I in the meantime was pulling off 2 jobs, and not seeing my kids very often, not getting the rest I needed, and getting no peace from him.

I love my kids more than anything in my life. And now if I could change anything that they went through, I would do it in a heartbeat. They weren't abused as in beatings, more like getting there heads shoved into the corner when they were bad, and made to stand there for hours. Or he would grab Derek by the back of the neck and squeeze so he would walk where he wanted him to. But I know they have not told me everything.

In about '92 or '93 Amy came down with a very bad disease, called ITP, which I explain in the "My Greatest Gifts" page. He tried to convince me that she was ok, nothing was wrong, but I knew better, I knew something was not right. I was right! I was so stressed through that time. Especially when I almost lost her. But thankfully, after alot of care, and many prayers answered, she came out of it okay. She is my darlin, and a wonderful young lady.

Things were just as bad as they always had been. He payed less attention to the kids, and it seemed the only attention he wanted from me required the bedroom. I would just go along with him so he wouldn't pout about it, but it just never seemed to be enough. I finally had enough of this ill treatment and one night I told him, "if you ever touch me again I am leaving you." Of course I don't think he took me seriously. Well once again we had a fight, and he shoved me into the bathroom sink. I felt the pain run up my back. I don't know where I found the courage, but I shoved him out of my way, went into the bedroom, and pulled out the suitcases, and began packing! It felt good that I took a stand, even though I knew I must surely be crazy for doing so. Then all that ended, when he came in crying. My heart broke. So I stayed. We had a long talk that night, and he promised he would change. I have to ask myself, why did I stay? I knew that men who beat their wives always said that same thing time and time again, and now my husband was telling me that, and yet I stayed. Maybe I was hopeful that things would work out, that he would get help, something! But none of that ever happened.

Well the day I bought my computer was the best thing I could have ever done. I then got connected to AOL, and met so many different people. People I felt I could talk to. My husband said he could never talk to me. So I found someone who could. I made so many friends, and for that time that I had to talk to all my new found friends, helped me get through my days. It gave me hope, and courage, and strength.

That led me to Randy

Randy was a super person, and it got to the point where we would talk all the time, especially when I was really down. He would just talk me through it, and I was smiling again. I loved to talk to him, and I hated having to go to work and leaving him. We got closer and closer. My husband and I seemed to drift further and further apart. He was still playing the mind games, I think he enjoyed that the most. He barely spent time with the kids, I managed to avoid him quite a bit since he started staying gone longer into the night, long after the "pizza shop" had closed, so less time for him to hit on me. I would still get treated like a child, but I guess to me, that was alright, cause it sure did beat getting punched in the face. I had all my friends, and they helped me through it. Especially Kath, and Randy. Always there for me. Kath even came to Indiana and stayed with me for awhile.

Well one night, another fight broke out, and Kath was still there. I told her I'd be okay, and I needed to go and talk to him. She swore to me she would kill him if he ever touched me again. Well thankfully enough he didn't, but when I told him to just let me go, he freaked out. I mean literally freaked out. Throwing his arms around, crying, the whole nine yards. But this time it didn't affect me. I told him we would stay together, but only because of the kids. Ironic huh? The same kids he didn't wanna spend much time with.

Well time went on, and things were getting worse. My sister and brother in law evicted us from the apartment, my husband seemed to care less, my world was falling down around my shoulders, and my life seemed hopeless, then I began to get depressed yet again. I badly needed a change in my life, and so did my kids.

Well Randy said he would help get us set up in Texas, and maybe be able to get my husband a job, and help us get a place to stay. So we talked about it. And I thought my husband was all for it. Well he told me he was. And I believed him again. I guess maybe he agreed because he thought I would learn to love him again. But I knew that it would be a long time, if ever, I could love him again.

Well the time drew closer and closer for us to have a life in Texas. I had packed most of the belongings. I quit my job a week before the planned move, so I could finish up the packing. He went and had a hitch put on the car so we could pull a trailor, and I was actually pretty happy. Yes, I would be leaving my family and friends, but I was also going to see Randy, one of my best friends in all the world. And of course there was a little more there than anybody realized, except for Randy and I.