Thursday, January 31, 2002

 
What would happen if the Gadget Mobile got in a fight with the General Lee? While the gadget mobile can be a car or a van and can jump... the General Lee has a horn that plays Dixieland and also jumps... a lot. The horn clearly gives the General Lee the advantage.
posted by Tyler 8:46 PM

Wednesday, January 30, 2002

 
Today I woke up to about 8 inches of snow. We're going to make a snowman in the bed of Bryan's truck but not just any snowman, an evil snowman...
posted by Tyler 8:02 PM

Tuesday, January 29, 2002

 
It's snowing.. yay for snow. As of now I have about 1.5" to 2" on the ground at my house.
And anyone see the commercials for these CDs of kids singing broadway? What kind of person buys that crap? What kind of person likes broadway?
posted by Tyler 8:29 PM

Monday, January 28, 2002

 
This is why I don't talk about religion much...
Harmful if swallowed (me) says:
If I were jesus I would refuse to die for your children's sins...
Muscular Beaver 'defender of things that need defending' says:
bob would say that that isn't nice...
Harmful if swallowed says:
I wouldn't die for bobs sins either
bob would be like "Jesus, that's not nice" and Jesus would say "Shut up bob" and smack him in the back of the head
posted by Tyler 9:40 PM

Sunday, January 27, 2002

 
I've been wanting a Datsun 280zx for awhile. About a mile away there is a U Lock it where people store boats and shit, and sitting uncovered next to a rough looking 1968 chevelle is what I thought was a 280z (still not the zx i wanted). Today I hopped the fence and took a gander only to fall in love with a red MINT condition 240z! The 240 is the classic of the Z cars. They are very small, nimble, and quite fast for such a tiny car. They are also more rare than the 280s so I need income. I also need to keep in mind
A)if the owner is even willing to sell it and B) for how much.
I need income, and fast. I wonder if I should be a door to door prostitute. "Excuse me miss, have you had your jollies today?"... i'll put that in the maybe category.
posted by Tyler 6:02 PM

 
Emeril is a sellout... same thing with naked chef. Now Iron Chef... that's hard core.
posted by Tyler 5:37 PM

Saturday, January 26, 2002

 
I like driving around in my muddy car. Some kids in a saturn were all "Hey, lets tailgate him" and as they were closing in a piece of dried up mud fell off my car and hit their windshield at 80mph. I look in my mirror because I heard a clunk when it fell off my car... they had a nice crack in their windshield now and were pointing at the side of the interstate. So I kept going. They started to follow close again and about another mile later a larger piece came off and made another mark on their windshield. Hehe... showed them.
However, my mom says it looks "trashy" and wants me to wash my car tomorrow. It was fun while it lasted. I would normally say no but my mom also made a turkey today... mmmm turkey. I don't know why. Maybe she really wanted me to wash my car.
posted by Tyler 11:06 PM

 

Nova needs a bath... full story here
posted by Tyler 10:58 AM

Friday, January 25, 2002

 
I was coming home from matts house when some dumbass on a skateboard fell down and his skate board when right under my wheel. I smashed it good I did... that will teach him not to play in the street.
I have that damn Clay henry song stuck in my head from the subway commercial. So far this Jarrod fellow lost some odd 400 pounds by eating sandwiches. Shouldn't he be about 75 pounds? Maybe he gains weight in between losses, and they don't count his gains. And why does this Clay Henry have a scoul on his face for the whole commercial. Maybe he's pissed off that he has to stick with 7g fat sandwiches.
Got real big on burger and fries, now he's down to a smaller size...
posted by Tyler 10:35 PM

Thursday, January 24, 2002

 
Lazy city people not plowing streets... My couldesac (sp... someone tell me how to spell it.. too lazy to look it up) is a sheet of ice, as well as the boulevard. But... I know how to handle driving in snow/ice (I practice a lot in the empty roads by my house). But, others don't. I was almost hit on my way to school... I was at the stopsign waiting to make my right turn and I see this car behind me, and he's not stopping. He slides into the curb and he goes sideways, apparently he didn't know you turn INTO the skid... So I got out of his way by turning into the bike lane. He proceded to slide into the busy street... Stupid out of state people not knowing how to drive.
posted by Tyler 10:37 PM

Wednesday, January 23, 2002

 
::Lunch with chris::
Stacy (has the testosterone of 100 men):Hey, it's fuck-head
Me: Well, I didn't see that coming... didn't see that coming at all....
Chris: I think about sex a lot, am I a fuck-head?
Me: I think you'd have to have sex with your head
Chris: My virgin ears
Me: That's it... the secret to head sex is the ears
*chris attempts to have sex with his ears*
Me: Bob gets his sex on the internet... all with computers. Sex of the future.
Chris: Bob, what does your girlfriend look like (No one can see her... she;'s on the internet)
Matt: Well... she lives in a different time zone...
Bob: 5'7", brown hair...
Brian: She's a man!
A short while later, bob left with butch, I mean bitch, I mean stacy.
Brian: She could be one of the few decent looking girls on the internet...
Chris: Like me.
Me: Maybe we should get matt an ugly girlfriend... you know, so we can make fun of her so he gets mad.
Bryan: Hehe... that's nice
Me: hey matt, there's one
*stacy walks by*
Me: Put your mojo on matt...
Matt: But I don't want to....
*jolly laughs all round*
posted by Tyler 8:21 PM

Tuesday, January 22, 2002

 
I matt, you matt, we all matt for matt matt says(me):
exactly
I matt, you matt, we all matt for matt matt says:
and matt has a fluffy dog
Muscular Beaver 'defender of things that need defending' says:
i see... so it was all an evil plan to kidnap the president's child's dog's squeeky toy
I matt, you matt, we all matt for matt matt says:
the presidents children are drunken sluts
Muscular Beaver 'defender of things that need defending' says:
hehe yea...
Muscular Beaver 'defender of things that need defending' says:
like matt...
posted by Tyler 10:02 PM

 
I love you Dr. Pepper... I love you so much. If I could, I would marry you. What is this? You're empty? You whore! Who did this to you? Tell me his name!
posted by Tyler 10:01 PM

 
I bring you The three stages of Tyler in US Lit.
::Tyler The Scientist::
Me: Caitlyn... how often do you see your mother naked?
Caitlyn: What?
Me: Come on now... simple question
Caitlyn: Why do you want to know?
Me: Well... by law of averages I should be able to see your mother naked at least once.
Phil: Don't ask where law of averages comes in...
::Tyler The Pacifist::
Phil (aka Fire Crotch or Big Red): Hey alex, your mom's getting pretty loose
Me: Well, so is your dad!
::Tyler the religious person thing::
Me: I wish I were a Christian Scientist... with the whole not going to doctors and dying of curable diseases thing
Alex: They have these Faith healing hospitals...you go there and people just pray for you
Me: I wonder what they'd do if I went in there and said "Help me, I have syphillis"
posted by Tyler 6:41 PM

Monday, January 21, 2002

 
Packers lost yesterday... god damn it.
I am very bored. Which is odd because usually I find something to do. Today I just don't have any ideas and it annoys the hell out of me.
I am watching an infomercial for one of those ab exerciser dealies that electrocute your muscles. It's funny because it doesn't work.
posted by Tyler 1:27 PM

Saturday, January 19, 2002

 
Oakland lost... damn it. I'm not good at this...
I know
Gee, I hope the packers lose tomorrow so they can't win the super bowl...
*wink*
posted by Tyler 10:14 PM

 
I caught my first prarie dog by means of prarie dog fishing...
he put up a good fight, but not good enough.
The bears lost to the eagles... sad. I wanted to see Green Bay play the Bears in the super bowl. I now want to see Oakland and Green bay. So far oakland is winning against the patriots...
Tomorrow Green Bay plays St. Louis, which might be tough.. but they should win, because I want them too.
posted by Tyler 8:44 PM

Friday, January 18, 2002

 
I became a car nazi today..
At lunch matt wanted me to drive, but I was very low on gas... because fuel light was on. Bryan's truck can seat 3 but he put in a center console so now it seats 2.
Matts camry seats 5 and has plenty of gas... but matt didn't want to drive. Why? He just refused. So I said that if they gave me money for gas, I would give them rides. Considering how most of my tank was spent on driving them around, it was deemed fair.
Bryan contributed 5 dollars, ride for bryan. Matt wanted a ride, matt not only had his car with plenty of gas, but wouldn't contribute to the Tyler is driving around with the fuel light on fund... so no ride for matt. it was assish, but times like these call for tough love.
Then after school bryan, brian, and I went four wheeling... good fun. We found a recliner, hooked it to bryans truck and dragged it around, ran it over, and left it for dead.
posted by Tyler 6:47 PM

Thursday, January 17, 2002

 
Pedro the panty merchant (me)says:
prarie dogs are hibernating...
While this could hinder prarie dog fishing, it can also allow the creation of a new sport...
Pedro the panty merchant says:
Prarie dog digging
Pedro the panty merchant says:
We dig holes in random places
Pedro the panty merchant says:
every prarie dog you dig up is worth 100 pounts
Pedro the panty merchant says:
every prarie dog you hit with a shovel while digging, 1000 points
Muscular Beaver 'defender of things that need defending' (bryan) says:
no... all you need to do is get one of them roto rooter things and don't stop till you hear the squeals
Pedro the panty merchant says:
But that's no challenge
Pedro the panty merchant says:
it's like shooting a deer with a truck
Muscular Beaver 'defender of things that need defending' says:
well perhaps ...
Muscular Beaver 'defender of things that need defending' says:
it would be more chalenging if you were drunk
Pedro the panty merchant says:
No...
Pedro the panty merchant says:
Many deadly car accidents are caused by drunk drivers
Pedro the panty merchant says:
And those are on moving targets
Pedro the panty merchant says:
Alcohol would sharpen you up like a crack addict, there would be no stopping you
Pedro the panty merchant says:
Except if a drunk driver went off the road and hit you....
posted by Tyler 7:25 PM

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

 
Hey... I got money, because I'm on honor roll! Eat it, matt... eat it.
I got me a respectable 3.5 gpa...
I have a friend named Chris... take my randomness ten-fold and you have chris. A jolly time for all who are there. I will now begin a new tradition... "Lunch with Chris"... I filter out the boring stuff and give you 100% action.. because I love you so much.
:: Lunch with Chris begins as brian and I are talking about how much matt sucks. You can hear chris talking to Bryan (not brian.. two different people you see..) in the background::
Me:I see..
Chris: So you can draw blood with your own penis.
Me: WHAT?
Chris: I think I should have a penis 6 feet long...
Bryan: If you had a penis that big, it would be unusable
Chris: Not really, I have a thing for muscular women
Bryan: You should have a penis so large that it takes 4 stout men to operate it...
Me: I hear that andy's old girlfriend is pretty butch, i bet she has the testosterone of 30 men... she could do it
::later::
Chris: I was watching this anime movie and this minotaur was having sex with this chick and when he was done it shot her across the forest and she died.

*someone enters*
someone looking for bob: Where's bob?
Me: Masterbating
someone looking for bob: Where's andy?
Me: With bob, masterbating
*person leaves*

Me: So in japan, having sex with animals is commonplace...
Me: *realizing that many people heard me* You heard me...

Me: I think that it would be funny if instead of Ghosts, ghost busters busted midgets... Ghostbusters car pulls up, they jump out, grab a midget off the sidewalk and take him away.
Bryan: With the ghostbusters siren
Matt: and those gun things
Me: Exactly... And instead of those boxes that catch ghosts, garbage bags...
Bryan: We need to go prarie dog fishing*
Me: yeah.. but they're hibernating or something... lazy bastards. Fire would wake them up... hm...

*Prarie dog fishing is a fun cruel sport.. well not that cruel, but it's fun. Take a fishing pole with strong test line. Use a swivel and make a loop that can be drawn tight quickly. Put it over a prarie dog hole and bait it. When prarie dog comes up... reel it in. *
posted by Tyler 10:17 PM

Monday, January 14, 2002

 
In US lit we were watching The Crucible ... crazy puritans... anyways after we were done with the first half, we discussed it.... and it went downhill from there.
Me: That movie has a lot of boneable women, were there really that many good looking people back then?
Teacher: No, they were all ugly.
Me: For a society that looks down on revealing clothing, I saw a lot of boobs.
Teacher: Next question
posted by Tyler 5:08 PM

 
The world would be a better place if people made their homes out of balsa wood. It would really make families spend more time together and be a lot happier. Then when they are having a nice family dinner, I crash through their wall yelling stuff and smashing their furniture (which is also balsa). Then I take some food and set their house on fire, and make my escape by crashing through another wall.
The world would be a better place.
posted by Tyler 8:01 AM

Sunday, January 13, 2002

 
Yay, I got gas money! Car is full, car is happy!
No more driving around with the fuel light on for me...
posted by Tyler 8:45 PM

 
I decided that I am definately getting an air horn in my car.. when I get money.
Not just any air horn.... a 150db dual trumpet truckers horn... it's enough to stop the human heart. I can fit it under my hood, no one would ever know... until light turns green and they don't notice so they just sit there. Right now my horn is high pitched... almost cute.... it disgusts me. It seems to say "Please go, the light turned green"... but when I get air horn car will be like "Hey asshole, get your finger out of your nose. Lights green, bitch"... and they would look around expecting a huge truck and see my tiny red car.
Or when the sophmores keep honking their horns in the parking lot "ooh, look at me, I have a car..".... I'd show them... by making their ear drums bleed.
It is agreed, my car needs an air horn to better society.
Actually it would just be for my amusement. But when I'm happy, society is safer.
posted by Tyler 11:12 AM

Saturday, January 12, 2002

 
Since I've grown older I've learned that baseball rivals golf for the most boring televised sports, but hitting people is always fun. I still have my old bats, but decided to make my wooden bat into something more fun... a club. I cut a section from the middle of the handle and put it back together (minus the piece I cut out) and have a 20 inch tiny bat that I can beat people with.
I hope one day I'll use it when society lets you beat people sensless when their ideas conflict with your own. And when I say your own, I mean my own.
But for now, it killed some time because I was bored.
posted by Tyler 8:59 PM

 
Hehe... went four wheeling today... in my car with bryan and his truck. I figured that if I got into some trouble, bryan could pull me out.
I did damn good considering I have a car that is definately not supposed to go off road and climb and go in mud and all that. To my disbelief, I didn't get stuck. I did get high centered, but I was able to get myself out with momentum. I didn't do anything too extreme though, but there were some 60 degree climbs.. Nova needs a bath now.
posted by Tyler 12:53 AM

Thursday, January 10, 2002

 
Well blogger has been all non posty... but at least they tell me when and why! I still love you blogger...
I feel all... wanting to vomit. I think it was because I made a sandwich with some meat I found in the back corner of the refrigerator. It said best sold by 12/31/01... so I thought that they'd give me a 2 week grace period because who eats 2 pounds of turkey the day they buy it? Apparently a lot of people, and apparently sold by means eat by because stomach hates me now.
posted by Tyler 9:47 PM

Tuesday, January 08, 2002

 
Dave Thomas is dead... I'll miss you dave.
posted by Tyler 9:45 PM

Monday, January 07, 2002

 
Hehe... there was another drivers ed movie that was funny enough to remember. One guy is falling down drunk, the other is just a bit tipsy, and a girl is perfectly sober but is whiney and doesn't want to drive. So tipsy guy is driving, and then falling down drunk guy says "Speed up, this is my favorite hill" so tipsy guy speeds up and they're all "Yay, favorite hill" and then they go off the road and flip around and falling down drunk guy dies, and the driver is in court for manslaughter...
At least he died on his favorite hill, as opposed to dying on a crappy hill.
I like late start mondays.
posted by Tyler 7:45 AM

Sunday, January 06, 2002

 
I am watching a show on TLC all about train wrecks...
But... it's the learning channel, I'm learning.
hehe....they got hit by a train...
this reminds me of all the movies we watched in drivers ed... an hour of train wrecks titled "look, listen, live" was my favorite. Although... there was this one. Girl just gets her license and all her friends are in her car. They're eating and talking and she turns to talk to the people in the back and you see a soccer ball bounce into the street immediately followed by a child on a tricycle. Then you see the girl turn forward, see this kid on a tricycle going after the ball and she slams on the brakes but it's too late. Cut to shot of tricycle flying through the air...
It wouldn't be so damn funny if it weren't so damn cheesy. Like jaws, or tremors.
posted by Tyler 9:33 PM

 
I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Perhaps if I killed matt we'd have a day of mourning. No, people don't like matt. I need to kill 40 matts. Hm... 40 matts, I bet I can do it. I have about 12 hours, that means if I kill an average of 4 matts an hour, that gives me 8 extra matts. Interesting. Meh... I'll just watch continue to watch TV.
posted by Tyler 7:45 PM

 
Ah grapefruit, the bastard citrus fruit. Looks like a big yellow orange... but it's not a big yellow orange at all. It's pink inside... but doesn't taste pink. Tastes... soury. Like yellow, with green.
And watermelon flavored candy never tastes like watermelon.
And red cream soda tastes like cream soda if it had an illegitamate son with bubblicious.
And PEZ.... PEZ is desirable only because of the dispenser. you never see someone buy pez if they don't have a dispenser.
I don't like candy that much... For halloween i'd like to go door to door and get burritos and wendy's tripple classics instead of milk duds, which are poison.
posted by Tyler 6:57 PM

 
I wish life were like cheers... I'd walk in a room and everyone would be happy and then we'd start drinking, get in a bar fight, and i'd have a glass eye... wait, that's not like cheers! Norm didn't have a glass eye!
God damn it, I have school tomorrow. I blame the native americans... first they take away my day off for columbus day and now I have to go to school after christmas break. Oh i'm sorry, it's winter break. I blame the pagan children for that.
Offended? Infidel! Prepare yourself for JIHAD!
posted by Tyler 12:51 PM

Saturday, January 05, 2002

 
I think I should carry around a jar of pickles... that way when people ask me questions I throw the jar against the ground and run away, disappearing in the cloud of smoke.
Man: Excuse me, do you have the time?
Tyler: *throws jar against floor, jumps out of window*
posted by Tyler 9:38 PM

 
I went to see bob with matt and bryan but bob lives in this bastard place and there is this gate and you need a password. So we call bob on the intercom and no one answers. A less determined person would turn around and drive away. I wasn't about to let the gate tell me what to do, so I forced the gate to open with my car.. Turns out bob wasn't home... sucks to be bob. Bob has a gate that can't stop a car. What use is a gate that can't stop a car?
posted by Tyler 7:08 PM

Friday, January 04, 2002

 
My winter break is almost over... sad
posted by Tyler 10:32 PM

 
I turn on the TV and see "American soldier killed by enemy fire". No shit, it's a fucking war. I feel bad that people are dying and I feel bad for their families, but the last thing I want to see is another press conference taking up half the channels.
I feel angry...
I feel hungry too... hunger and anger are one in the same.
posted by Tyler 1:10 PM

Thursday, January 03, 2002

 
Okay... so you want to hear about my day... you don't? That's your problem, not mine
I have a paintball game saturday at 10 am... but I am broke. Luckily I have my own equipment, so I avoid the rental, but I still have to buy paint there and pay 15 dollars to use the field. I'll probably need 50 dollars. I've been trying to find a job, but no one I want to work for is hiring. Damn slow economy... I blame osama bin laden, but so does everyone. Actually I blame everyone for not being like me. If I don't have a job by next week, it's time to go to Mc donalds. I really don't want to work at mc donalds... hell, I'm on file to clean dog piss at a vet... I'd rather mop piss then work at mc donalds. But, I need money, and I need to work to get money...
I'd rather be a prostitute.
posted by Tyler 9:31 PM

 
Okay, here is my new home. Pitas is being a bitch, and I decided no more of that. You can access my pitas archives at here. I will have some more work to do, but as you know my designs are usually crude because.. well, I just don't love you enough. Probably because most of you bastards never give me hugs and food.
posted by Tyler 9:21 PM

 
Testing...
posted by Tyler 8:11 PM