|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
Thursday, February 28, 2002
Blackmail is such an ugly word, I prefer extortion.
Me:*throws disk at my little sister*
Little sister: Whats this?
Me: Look
Little sister:*puts disk in her computer* Oh my God.. how did you get this?
Me: Never you mind... I have 3 other such disks in 3 different places in our home. Each in a location more difficult to find than the last... and and I plan to show them to father tomorrow morning.. unless, a certain sum of money were to come along...
Little sister: How much?
Me: Somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 dollars american
Little sister: 50? Fine
Me: One hundred dollars
Little sister: What?
Me: *evil laugh*
Little sister: Fine... 100 dollars. but then you can't show mom or dad
Me: But of course *evil laugh*
Little sister: *hands me wad of cash* there's 80... I will give you the other 20 next week
Me: That you will... that you will...If only I had a cat... and a big chair.
posted by Tyler 9:28 PM
Day 5... I fear I am going mad.
I wore my shirt that says #1 Sex Machine today... Every reaction I get is priceless.
I was hit with a dasani bottle containing a note "I like your shirt" from a sophmore girl. To which I replied "I like your boobs". She laughed and choked on her gum.
posted by Tyler 4:35 PM
Tuesday, February 26, 2002
Unless you have been or are a teenage boy, you can't fathom how unbelievably hard it is to quit jerking it. My friend simon has gone a week, I'm just taking his word for it. I've gone 3* days without... and I think I am going insane... my normal routine (established over the past 4 years) is once a day every day... sometimes twice on saturday if I am really bored and I say that with the upmost sincerity. I've had a few "marathons" in my lifetime, but those are few and far between. I think the famous "contest" episode of Seinfeld gives the best insight to this delicate topic. Just multiply Jerrys difficulty four fold to simulate a teenage boy.
*whoops... typo. it's 3, not four
posted by Tyler 10:16 PM
Monday, February 25, 2002
I was coming home from school and am at a red light and some bitch pulls up next to me and her friends are squirting mc donalds ketchup on my car. So I reach into my glovebox... But my glovebox is no ordinary glovebox.... I keep several throwable items in it for occasional convertables who cut me off or tail gate. I have a 75 watt lightbulb, 2 small bricks of black cats, and 6 M100 bootleggers.
I grab an M100 and push in the cig lighter on my car, I roll down my window and withstand a barrage of french fries and wait... *click* my cig lighter pops out of it's outlet. I light the M100 and throw it in the bitch's back seat. They scream and run out of the car and then *BANG!* followed by smoke. I roll up my window and they are banging on my car... the light turns green and I floor it, covering them in road slush from last nights snow.
posted by Tyler 4:54 PM
Sunday, February 24, 2002
Frankie Muniz looks like a keebler elf. I hate him so much, with his being so small and high voiced.
posted by Tyler 8:26 PM
Me: Your car smells like... (remembers I'm talking to my older sister)not weed
older sister: Shut the hell up
Me: I'm telling mom and dad!
older sister: They're going to wonder how you know what it smells like.
Me: hey, you know I don't have the money to do that anymore.
older sister: then why do you always use febreeze in your car?
Me: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
older sister: then why?
Me: A cat pissed on the seat...
older sister: sure....
posted by Tyler 10:27 AM
Saturday, February 23, 2002
I love you kinkos...
They made my shirt that says "#1 Sex Machine"
Sure I have some expectations to live up to, but I'm up for the challenge.
posted by Tyler 8:47 PM
Thursday, February 21, 2002
Ooh... advice time! I quote email
"Tyler, you seem to have an affinity to destroying things. I want to do something to a car belonging to someone I really hate
What should I do?"Well, damaging cars is not my bag, but I can help you out. Follow my directions closely.
First you need access to the trunk release, but the doors are probably locked. Remember, every car has two keys. one made by the factory and one being a big rock. Once inside, open the trunk. When trunk is open, place dead prostitute in trunk. Close trunk.God Speed...
posted by Tyler 9:42 PM
Ever see a girl wearing a shirt that says "Hottie"? Ever wonder why they make those shirts in size XL? She better have one hell of a rack....
posted by Tyler 9:20 PM
Wednesday, February 20, 2002
I made my day a lot brighter... I got into my car by sliding across my hood ala dukes of hazard....
posted by Tyler 4:38 PM
Tuesday, February 19, 2002
Lunch with Chris english...
Tyler: You know what was funny?
Chris: Female masterbation?
Tyler: No... when I got us banned from target
Bryan: Yeah... well that's what you get when you hit on a feminist.
Chris: I have a plan
Matt: Oh really?
Chris: I just need two lesbians
Bryan: Or 3
Me: Or ten...
Chris: Okay 10 lesbians
Me: Porno quality?
Chris: Are there any other? Okay... so I start turning them straight right? But stop half way...
Me: Turn them straight?
Chris: And then I can get in on some girl on girl on girl on girl
Me: Shut up chris.
Chris: But you see where i'm going right?
Bryan: but where are you going to find 10 lesbians?
Me: Target...
posted by Tyler 7:06 PM
Monday, February 18, 2002
I am so fucking sick of these Brittney Spears pepsi commercials. If she's not naked, get her the hell off my TV!
posted by Tyler 8:36 PM
If I had to choose between my penis and my arms... I don't know what I would do. I've been thinking it over all day because, well, it's presidents day. Not much I can do besides think about my penis.
But back to my original question... If I had no penis... well, that wouldn't work at all. If I had no arms, well, it's no secret that teenage boys (and men in general) can't go long without having a party in their pants... but i'd have no penis to masterbate with if I had arms. Then again, with no arms I could always pass myself off as a war hero and I would never need to masterbate again as the ladies dig war heros... they damn well better.
Now if i am kidnapped by terrorists and their leader plays a twisted game of "Make the american choose between penis and arms" I know just what to do.
posted by Tyler 6:28 PM
Sunday, February 17, 2002
I hate the progresso soup commercials bashing condensed soups. Damn it woman! Stop bad mouthing the soup!
posted by Tyler 10:40 PM
I went to wyoming to get fireworks (as they are illegal here... but don't you tell anyone or I'll cut you) and had a jolly time. 400 bottle rockets, and a shit load of black cats. Why? Two words... firework fight. hehe... I set matt on fire with a bottle rocket... Then again, I set my self on fire a few moments later. When they say do not hold in hand, they mean it!
posted by Tyler 8:39 PM
I am watching Platoon...
I would like this movie a lot more if it had those two fat twins with the checkered pants riding tiny motorcycles. That would be great.
posted by Tyler 1:26 AM
Saturday, February 16, 2002
As I am home alone, pants are completely useless as I can just turn the heat up to a comfortable 80 degrees. It's like spring, today! So I am wearing boxers and a tshirt, and have been since about 2pm when I came up with the brilliant idea. But at about 3:30pm the doorbell rings so I run to get it, slide across our wood floor (I was playing "turn socks inside out and skate around the house" before the door rang), hit the wall, and then answer the door. It was our neighbors 21 year old daughter, not hot like the neighbors on TV but is still... *searching for correct term* screwable. She was baking and needed some sugar. As I've seen porn that starts out like that, I scanned her request for innuendo, it was clean (damn). I run off to the kitchen, fall down (damn slippery floors) and get the bag. I gave it to her and she blushed and said "Um... you're kind of... poking out". "what?" "down there". To my horror Tyler Jr., awakened by the warm tempertature in my house, worked his way out of my boxers... probably when I fell. "Oh... hehe... so I am... hehe.... well you... have fun now.... I'll just... be going back inside..."
Later though she brought me cookies... yay for cookies. Of course... when I answered the door I made sure to check my placement.
posted by Tyler 8:14 PM
My parents left me all by myself until sunday apparently. I woke up and found a note that said "Ty, we are at the grand palace in denver. If we are not back in time on sunday, pick up halley at **** S. Lemay at **** pm. We made some bacon and hashbrowns for you, they are in the fridge." WHAT? I need to listen to my parents more often...
I then went to the pharmacy to get my paxil. While there I saw two very attractive women talking about... lactating boobies. Sometimes I wish I were deaf... wait, I wish I would hear only what I want to hear. Then it would go like this.
Woman one: When you reach orgasm.. *my new power kicks in* were you thinking of Tyler Trujillo?
Woman two: Oh yeah. I always think about Tyler trujillo during sex. how could you not?
Woman one: Oh, there he is right now. Let's ask him if he wants some girl on girl on guy action.
Woman two: sounds like you have a plan. *takes off shirt*
I like the think the world would be a better place.
posted by Tyler 12:34 PM
Friday, February 15, 2002
Today was friday so our school handed everyone their newspaper. I read it, laughed at everyones opinions and mocked their beliefs, and then made paper hats out of it. Actually some of the points are valid, but the majority are written by kids who shouldn't be allowed to breathe. This weeks poll was "what is rocky's image". I quote a response they thought was worth printing. It follows as such "we are mostly white kids. A lot of us do drugs and we like to party!". I hate people... but not you. I love you.
posted by Tyler 10:45 PM
Thursday, February 14, 2002
Valentines day for jerks like me....
Me: (shows above picture) This is my dying cousin...
Girl: Aww... that's so sad, how old is he?
Me: 5... his dying wish is that I get some action on valentines day...
Girl: (one of the following reactions)
1: laughter
2: "that is the worst pick up line I've ever heard"
3: "Is that you?"
Me: No... it's my dying cousin, so are you going to help him or not?
Girl: That's you isn't it?
Me: No.... it's young matt (points at matt)
4: "Oh my god, i actually believed you"
and 5: "You are a bad, bad person...".
Yes... I actually did try to pass off 5 year old matt as my dying cousin. First he was my twin brother who died when we were 5, but that didn't work.
Me: this is my twin brother, he died 12 years ago on valentines day...
Girl: I see...
Me: You heartless bitch!Horrible, yes... but fun? You bet your sweet ass!
posted by Tyler 5:04 PM
Wednesday, February 13, 2002
hehe...
First Name : Ser vMe
Home Page : http://www.friedkitten.com
Email : contact@friedkitten.com
Who's hotter, Sailor Moon or Elian Gonzales? :
If you don't like puppies, no one loves you. :
Comments : Oh, so you think it's funny to see innocent little mice get their brains smashed in. I wish one day you be in that same situation where you see food, and some giant is smiling upon you while you reach for it, only to see your head cut off. It's soooo funnThe mouse wasn't funny, but your entry was funny. I hope one day you are a kitten and you are fried. And then you reach for food and are eaten by small children and It's sooooo funn
I haven't lifted for about a week and I think I'm losing my edge. Eh... I'll lift tomorrow morning. Too tired now.
posted by Tyler 10:09 PM
Tuesday, February 12, 2002
I just watched a mouse die in a spring kill trap. *shudder*
I saw it come out from behind boxes and walk cautiously to the trap. In my head i thought "don't do it... don't do it" but he did. But jumped back when it went off but he was too slow... the bar crashed down on his mousy head and smashed his little mousy brains in and it was gross but probably painless for him... as he had no brain to percieve pain. I was kind of cheering for the mouse but skippy peanut butter is too tempting. As I found him first, it was my job to throw him away. *shudder* I'm afraid of mice.
It was kind of an odd thing, seemed all slow motion and yeah... nuts.
posted by Tyler 10:21 PM
You know what would be fun? If olympic figure skating were more like proffessional wrestling. Man lifts woman into air... pile driver. Instead of triple axle, body slam. And we could have cage matches.
You know what else would be fun? If cspan were more like thunderdome.
Yeah... that would be great.
posted by Tyler 9:11 PM
Monday, February 11, 2002
Silent movie time...
*silent movie piano music*
*Matt walks to his car*
"Time to go home and masterbate"
*Matt gets in car and drives onto the road*
"Ah, the open road"
*Matt hits fire hydrant and is ejected from his car*Didn't happen, but would be funny.
posted by Tyler 7:47 PM
Sunday, February 10, 2002
Right now I am watching Rumble in the Bronx... great movie
tonight kind of sucked... at about 5:30pm my sister says "I need a ride to amandas house". I said "Good for you". She said "give me a ride". I said "In this house there is a word called please". "Please give me a ride" Okay. So I drop her off at her friends house and return home. She told me she would need a ride at 10pm, my parents would be home by then. At about 8:30 I was going to go out and find something to do, and the phone rings. "Can you pick me up?". Turns out she was in La Porte, about 25 miles from where the house I dropped her off at. How she got there? I do not know. She said she would be waiting outside. Well, she wasn't. So I try 3 different houses on this street and eventually find her. Not only her, but 4 of her friends need rides. My car barely seats 4 and she expects me to have 6 people? So I fold down the rear seats and now am breaking the law by having people without seat belts (60 dollar fine times 4 people=I would be screwed).. Time to ferry them back to Fort Collins. I say "So who's closest?" "Me" "Where do you live?" "I don't know how to get there from here" "sweet jesus, why the hell did your parents let you leave the house?" Eventually after horrible directions I got to her house. The other 3 were not eventfull. Why did I have to get her so early? "The boys there were being real creepy" "Why did you even go there?" "I dont know..."
I got back at 10pm tired and annoyed. Then I ate ice cream. I hate 15 year old girls. 15 year old people in general. If you are 15, I hate you.
posted by Tyler 12:32 AM
Saturday, February 09, 2002
Hehe... had good fun last night. Was too tired to write about it.
I never lock the doors on my car. Why? I live in a small town, yuppie neighborhood, and nothing in my car is more valuable than a broken window. If people really want to take the change out of my change holding thingy, they can have it as long as they use the door instead of window. See my logic? of course you don't, you are an idiot. But at school someone was all "hey, his doors are unlocked. I'll open his passenger door so his little door chime thingy goes off and his domelight turns on." . So when I get in I turn the key and my dash doesn't light up because my battery is thoroughly dead. Bad mojo. So I try to get bryan but he was already gone. But then some girl gave me a jump start and I was on my way. I came home, put my battery on the charger and yeah. I would check the water but it's one of those bastard "maintenence free" deals which means rather than adding water, you buy a new one.
It's hella windy today, and yesterday it was the same. At my house we had gusts of 60 mph. Me and bryan made a giant kite (6feet by 4 feet) and flew it with his truck. But then it hit something, then the ground, and then was torn up. But we had fun. Then we went to matts house, like every friday to see what matt was doing. Matt, as usual, was doing nothing. So we went to the matt mobile.
We were all in matts bastard car which will soon be matts Euro-trash Disco and we see this kid in a CRX with the coffee can pipe listening to euro trash music. "Matt, don't take that kind of shit... race the little punk". Matt, not being one to object to logic said "Okay" and we did. It was funny because the kid tried so hard but in the end matt won. And how! Lesson kids, a powered by honda sticker and fart pipe do not make your car faster... Horsepower makes car faster
After a night of fun I came home. I couldn't sleep because wind is noisy so I was watching a Charlse Bronson movie at 2am which was funny because he shoots people. Then I went to bed.
posted by Tyler 1:49 PM
Jesus christ I hope we end the Romanticism unit soon in US Lit. I can't stand this whiney shit. "Oh, I'm Nathaniel Hawthorne and my ancestors were involved in the salem witch trials so I'm going to bitch about it with poetry." god damn him, damn him to hell! Poetry blows goats... why? Shut up, that's why!
posted by Tyler 12:20 AM
Thursday, February 07, 2002
I've never in my life seen, or shall I say heard, a girl fart at school or any public place for that matter. What is their secret?
posted by Tyler 9:21 PM
Wednesday, February 06, 2002
I think that I should make smack therepy for children. Whenever you smack your child, you blow on a whistle. Then after a year of non stop beating, they will interpret a whistle as being smacked. Therefore, in only 12 months you can have a totally obedient child without the guilt of smacking them in public... Of course I have no idea if this will work, and I am pretty sure it's evil... I will try it on matt hergett. I'l have to hit him pretty hard though, as he is older.
posted by Tyler 9:25 PM
Tuesday, February 05, 2002
Not much happened today. Time to make stuff up
I went to school and it was taken over by german communist nazis. I climbed to through the heating ducts to their headquarters. I then killed them all with a ladder ala Jackie Chan...
Damn, that wasn't exciting at all.
posted by Tyler 9:58 PM
Monday, February 04, 2002
I wonder how people figured out how to make babies... Did early man trust the first person to say "Hey, I have an idea... trust me, it will work"?
posted by Tyler 8:20 AM
Sunday, February 03, 2002
Hey... i'm going to try using wireless blogger... here i go
posted by Tyler 9:48 PM
Bottle of pepto bismol and a straw... mmm pinky.
posted by Tyler 9:37 PM
Rams lost... sad
We had a superbowl party and matts house and I ate a 20 piece bucket of chicken because no one wanted any... and me and bryan together ate 4 pounds of chips and salsa and drank a 12 pack of pepsi. Matt stuck to dorritos and drank about 5 pepsies. Stomach says bad mojo.
Ever find yourself checking someone out in the car next to you? Well I was... This girl was pretty and the light was red so I was checking her out as best I could with quick glances and then she started picking her nose.... While many people would be turned away, It was the opposite... I thought "now there's an attainable woman".... Then she noticed me and tried to cover up her actions by doing the nose scratch... I had to laugh, and she gave an embarrased smile. then the light turned green. At the next light she was checking me out, or maybe she was thinking of killing me so I could never tell the story.
i think this is just the large quantities of chicken and salsa talking but she is the cutest nose picker ever...
posted by Tyler 9:35 PM
To sarahkate...
This "obsession" with matt is merely a long running inside joke. No wait, YOU'RE a long running inside joke... no wait, it's matt..
I'm all about the inside jokes.
posted by Tyler 11:06 AM
Saturday, February 02, 2002
I should make a petition to make it a law that Matt Hergett is a dick. I don't know how that can be a law, but with enough signatures we'll figure it out.
posted by Tyler 9:29 PM
I hear Birthday Girl is a pretty good movie, but it's too unrealistic. Come on, how likely is it that you could have a mail order bride that looks like Nicole Kidman? It's like You Got Mail, I'm sorry Bob but it doesn't work like that... women on the internet aren't Meg Ryan.
posted by Tyler 6:01 PM
I forgot about lunch with chris this week... Here you go
Chris: I think Jesus was a ladies man. He is the son of a loving God, therefore he wants to get his freak on with all the sexy ladies.
*silence*
Chris: Hey baby, I'm the son of God *chris gestures towards groin* cha chingAlso in US Lit we were talking about Nathaniel Hawthorne and his bastard romanticism poetry. Apparently when she asked about what kind of person he was she did not want me to say "he was a pretentious whiner". I hate this unit... I hope we end this romanticism soon.
posted by Tyler 1:06 AM
Friday, February 01, 2002
I was coming home after a night of fun and some bitch behind me was all "I think I'll drive with my hi beams on to piss off this guy" but I wasn't going to stand for that. I found someone in the right lane going slow so I pulled next to them and went their speed. He tried tailgaiting me and the other driver but we both slowed down even more. Then car that was helping me go slow had to turn right. So I speed up and pull next to a slow truck and the process started again. Eventually the jerk behind us got mad and passed us on the shoulder. But then we followed him with hi beams and all had a jolly good time.
posted by Tyler 11:22 PM