Monday, April 29, 2002

 
tylertrujillo: Does human foosball help me learn about jesus?
modesto720: Not unless you are raping virgins!
Morgan, you have your sisters charm.

Behold the first review!

posted by Tyler 10:11 PM

Sunday, April 28, 2002

 
I bring you "have tyler review your site" week. So email me if interested.
Next stunt, I will jump over a shark on my motorcycle.
posted by Tyler 11:59 AM

Saturday, April 27, 2002

 
I also keep thinking about this weekend at bernies matter, the only way to find out why people didn't notice bernie was smelling a little ripe or why he was flexible is to kill matt hergett and walk him around. I'll call it weekend at hergies.
posted by Tyler 12:11 PM

 
Bryan's parents aren't home so we were trying to figure out what to do. I said "Hey... your parents have a lot of booze. If we get your little brother drunk, he can't tell on us." But bryan decided to be miss prohibition patty so I shot matt with a BB gun, twice.
posted by Tyler 12:07 PM

Thursday, April 25, 2002

 
In weekend at bernies they put sunglasses on bernie and walked him around and no one knew he was dead. But think... rigor mortis sets in after a few hours yet bernie remains flexible for the whole movie. This leads me to believe that bernie was not dead at all but was merely playing a trick on his friends. How else would he come back and lead them to treasure in weekend at bernies 2?
posted by Tyler 10:29 PM

 
Is james polk the only mulleted president? hm...
posted by Tyler 9:46 PM

Wednesday, April 24, 2002

 
I think it would be fun to have a little card that says "Registered Sex Offender". Makes me sound like I'm important. But would I have to be a sex offender to get one, and do they even get cards? I'd hope they'd get cards...
Now to be a sex offender, what does that mean... sexually assault, or just sexually offend? Because I sexually offend people everyday. That's why I'm banned from target, stupid feminist not being able to take a joke. I'll show her...
posted by Tyler 9:59 PM

Tuesday, April 23, 2002

 
Remember when you'd tie a piece of string between two cans and talk to your friends?
And then you'd get walkie talkies and they were even cooler?
But you know... I never could strangle matt with walkie talkies. Although, I can throw them pretty hard.
posted by Tyler 8:11 PM

Monday, April 22, 2002

 
I know it's cool for you kids to grow up and smuggle drugs into this country just like in the movies, but I have two words for you... Chinese Pirates.
posted by Tyler 10:33 PM

Sunday, April 21, 2002

 
I think I should dress up as a ninja one night and run around the neighborhood looking in windows. Eventually someone will come outside and say "Hey tyler, why are you dressed as a ninja and watching me eat cheetos?" but i'll simply respond "Shadow Kick!" and they'd be kicked through a window that's just there for some reason.
posted by Tyler 9:40 AM

Saturday, April 20, 2002

 
People ask me "Tyler, why don't you set up a webcam? I hear they're all the rage in Europe." Little do they know that i've had a webcam up for many years and have been hiding it. So here you go my webcam
posted by Tyler 11:44 PM

 
Yesterday I was out until about 2am so I didn't write.
Friday...
My US lit teacher also teaches chris' world lit class during 4th period. I carried chris into his class late and he yells "Look at me Ms. Adams, I'm a mountain man's bride!"
I don't think she got it.
posted by Tyler 3:15 PM

Thursday, April 18, 2002

 
It's snowing... and it's April... it's crazy
posted by Tyler 9:22 PM

 
Damn it, it feels like friday but it isn't. Stupid fake friday...
posted by Tyler 6:44 PM

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

 
You know who really pisses me off? Osama bin laden, that's who. As far as evil masterminds go, he's the worst. Even worse than the calculator in The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars.
If I were Osama Bin Laden I would at least have a secret submarine and a really cool underwater base. Like the penguin... I'd have an umbrella and everything.
"Holy captain nemo, Batman! An underwater base below the north pole!"
posted by Tyler 9:37 PM

 
Here is what I'll do... get 1000 monkeys and o1000 typewriters and give them an infinate amount of time.
Then after 3 days, I kick open the door to the monkey room with an uzi and kill them all.
posted by Tyler 7:58 PM

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

 
I was driving home and I see two girls hugging... but not buddy buddy hugging... so I was thinking "are they lesbians?" and then *gasp* they kiss, or did they? I can't tell..."keep looking, they might to it again" I hear in my head, like obi-wan telling luke to use the force. But then they start walking again. I turn my attention back to the road and I see brake lights closing in at 40mph. I slam on the brakes and screech my tires. The distracting girls looked at me like "What the hell is your problem?" and then they left.
Life is dangerous when what's in my pants takes control over what's in my head.
posted by Tyler 4:47 PM

Monday, April 15, 2002

 
I am fucking sick of these commercials for the mitsibishi eclipse where this chick is convulsing to music in the passenger seat while the driver smiles like "Hey... dry heaves". If someone tried to rave in my car, or any other car I was driving, I'd punch them in the side of the head. Then the stereo would start pumping safety dance...
posted by Tyler 8:45 PM

Sunday, April 14, 2002

 
I went downtown to western camera and as I was walking to my car I saw a young man with a shirt that said "Chicks hate me". So I decide to enlighten him by saying "No... chicks don't hate you... you're just a dork" "Fuck you" "Keep it in your pants, son."
posted by Tyler 1:28 PM

 
Pepsi, for those who think young... what the hell is that supposed to mean? Are we supposed to take advice from the worlds sluttiest virgin now? I don't like pepsi... so do I think like an old man? You can't tell me how I think, I tell me how I think and if you think that your fake boobs can convince me otherwise you better think again because I no longer have to use my imagination because I can just find fake naked pictures of you online. That's right you bitch... who's thinking young now?
posted by Tyler 11:19 AM

 
I hate it when you are at a red light and when it turns green, the person in front of you does not notice. So you tap your horn to get their attention and they get pissed off and deliberately wait until it is just about to turn red again and then they go. Oh they are so clever. Or when people have car alarms... how many people do you think actually care when a car alarm goes off? And how many people run to the car with the blinking headlights and honking horn to make sure no one is stealing it?
And people who ride their bikes and claim "they have as much right to the road as a car". Which is why they run red lights and stop signs, ride on the wrong side of the road, don't check before they cross right in front of you, and why they ride in traffic. If they can ride their bike at 45mph then they can ride in traffic, but if they can't, stay in that fucking bike lane. And then they ride side by side... sometimes 3 or 4 abreast. Or they put a baby trailer on the back. What kind of parent does that? They can't see their kid, they can't tell if the thing is still hooked to their bike, and what happens when the parent falls down? Sometimes they ride where there is no bike lane and half their baby trailer is in traffic. I drive a small car so I can avoid them, but this is fort collins colorado. There are many men who don't have penises and opt to drive dual wheel trucks. What would happen if Billy joe's truck hit your baby trailer because you are riding where there is no bike lane?
I'm done
posted by Tyler 12:18 AM

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

 
Stupid gap commercials with the men dancing and I wonder "What kind of father lets their son take up dance?"
Yes, I've seen billy elliot and yes I laughed everytime they said poof... but you musn't forget that billy elliot is a movie... things don't work out that way in real life.
Now I realize that if I ever have a son, this is going to come back and bite me in the ass because he'll want to dance. So I decided to come up with a fool proof way to keep him off dance.
First... I will encourage him to drink and smoke marijauna. This will affect his memory and sense of balance/time making him unable to dance.
Second... if he ever says "Dad, I want to dance" I'll smack him upside the head with a sock full of quarters. How will this help? Well, I figure that eventually I'll hit the part of his brain that likes dance. It probably makes for a bigger target when he talks about dance.
Third... there is no third.
I could easily be father of the year...
posted by Tyler 9:18 PM

Tuesday, April 09, 2002

 
Alex: I slept with your mom last night
Me: So did I
ZING!
posted by Tyler 6:57 PM

Saturday, April 06, 2002

 
Blogger was right, bastard...
I wonder what it'd feel like to shave all the hair below my neck. I'd be smooth like a baby seal.
posted by Tyler 10:34 PM

Thursday, April 04, 2002

 
Blogger says publishing is temorarily unavailable... we'll just see about that!
posted by Tyler 8:37 PM

Wednesday, April 03, 2002

 
I've realized that even young children have access to my weblog, I think I need to be more educational... because everything I do, I do for the children.
Uncle Tyler is going to teach you about the Scopes Trial.
In Tennesse in the 1920's, a law was passed that outlawed the teaching of evolution. The american civil liberties union, or the ACLU, decided to take a break from defending rapists and child molesters and make the statement that they would defend any persons convicted of teaching evolution. In 1925 a biology teacher named John Scopes heeded the call of the ACLU to be a dick and taught his students about evolution, or as it was known by the southern christians "Evilution". Well, some of his students went to their homes and said "Hey pa, teacher learnt us dat we done descendet from apes". John scopes was put on trial. In the end it doesn't matter because I think children are already moving on to pornographic websites.
posted by Tyler 9:25 PM

Tuesday, April 02, 2002

 
When I have kids and they reach the age when they are interested in sex, I'm going to show them a 3 hour slide show featuring photos of different veneral afflictions set to new age music...
posted by Tyler 9:18 PM