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First of all I have to say that I loved IP2:IA. It broke my heart, I bawled like a baby. I knew there was a second John floating out there but I didn’t care. I bought this ep hook line and sinker. It wore me out so much emotionally that I was only able to watch it twice. I’ve put it away. I probably won’t look at it again for a long time. To me that is the sign of great TV. To make me care enough that my heart breaks and I cry over people who technically ..... don’t exist.
In my fight to come out of the depression, (I didn’t want it to ruin my weekend) I started thinking about what would happen when Aeryn finally did get back to Moya and have to deal with the “other” John. Contrary to most people, I think that HE will have a bigger problem dealing with it than she will. Anyway, this is what came to me at 4 AM. I’m not a great author or UCSBDAD (although I did steal one of his article titles) but it made me feel better. So here goes. Feel free to reply.... or pie.
I thought you might like to have this back.” She said seating herself opposite him.
John Crichton ran his finger over the metal grip of the pulse pistol that now lay between him and Aeryn Sun on the kitchen table.
“Wynona” he said without looking up at her. “What is this? A peace offering?”
“Only if we are at war,” Aeryn replied.
“Oh its not that, John took another sip of Raslak and shoved the gun slightly to one side, “ I’m just surprised you didn’t bury him with it.”
“I thought about it, Rygel and Crais even suggested it. But, at the time I just.... couldn’t, and then later, like I said, I thought you might like to have her back.”
Her matter-of-fact tone finally made him look up. Her blue-grey eyes stared back at him calmly and without anger. In fact her only outward sign of emotion was a determined little set to her mouth. Oddly enough that shamed him.
“I’m sorry” he said and meant it. “That was ...... uncalled for.”
Aeryn reached over and poured herself a drink. “Under the circumstances”, she shrugged one shoulder slightly, “it was a reasonable reaction.”. She took a sip. “Is there anything else you want to know?”
“About what?”
Aeryn hesitated a minute, then pushed on. “About.... him, about me, about our time on board Talyn, anything.”
Anger washed over John in a wave and he stood up so fast he knocked over the decanter and it crashed to the floor. He was half way to the door when she spoke. And it was her tone and not her words that made him stop.
“Please.”
He turned around. She was weeping. She had one hand over her mouth, her face was full of pain and she was weeping. The sight of it broke his heart. Even through his anger he couldn’t stand to see her like this.
“Damn it.” He thought and returned to the table.
“Aeryn what do you want from me?”
She sniffed and wiped her face with the back of a hand. “I want.... I need to know what is going on with you. What you are feeling.” “It has been almost 30 solar Days since we got back John, and you’ve avoided me like the plague. You won’t answer my com’s, or anyone else’s for that matter, you are never in your quarters and no matter where I search on Moya, I can never find you.”
John sighed. “Look I don’t think it’s the right time to get into this now”
“NO,” Aeryn slammed a hand down on the table, “We WILL get into it now because there is never going to be a RIGHT time FOR this conversation.” “You told me once, that whatever our relationship was, we had reached the point where we should be honest with each other. And that’s true. No matter what has happened over the last half cycle, you still owe me that.”
He stared at her for a few microts and then dropped his head. “Ever since you got back, everyone has been telling me that I should ..... ignore the time you spent on Talyn.” “That I shouldn’t... ask.. about what happened.” I should let sleeping dogs lie, and be glad that everyone else got back basically safe and sound,. Jool brought up that I never liked my.... double, for lack of a better word anyway, and we have more important things to deal with than my identity crisis.”
“Well I know what happened on board Talyn, Aeryn. Although everyone has been very careful not to tell me. I know. I overheard Rygel telling Chiana how the two of you used to keep him up at night. And I know... he was supposed to BE ... me. Believe me, Jool’s been over the math with me a dozen times. No difference in DNA or blood type,... same memories,... both of us, equal and original and all that jazz. So I shouldn’t be angry, I shouldn’t feel.... betrayed. I shouldn’t be jealous of... myself. But guess what, I am. I am angry, and I do feel betrayed, because No matter how you slice it. It WASN’T me. I was here, and you were there and you fell in love with him.”
Aeryn got up walked around the table and sat down. Her back was to him and she stared out of the window at the stars. “You have every right to feel the way you do”, she said softly, “I hurt you. And I’m sorry that what happened on board Talyn caused you pain. You have to believe I never wanted that. But you are wrong about one thing. I didn’t fall in love with him. I fell in love with a man named John Crichton and I fell in love with him a long time ago. Long before Karvoc twinned you, or doubled you, or whatever he did. your, ... other, didn’t say or do anything special or different. I acted on feelings that were already there long before I ever set foot on that ship. It was a twist of fate that put him there instead of you. And, I have agonized over that John. You have no idea how much and how long I have agonized over it. But I have come to the conclusion that if the situation had been reversed, events would have played out exactly the same with you. And I would have done nothing different.”
John put his head in his hands, “God. If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”
“Hummh?”
He sighed. “Nothing, it’s just a song.” “You know as if this situation weren’t already the frell up of the century, I actually feel ...... bad, that he died. I mean the guy .... steals my life, runs off with my girl, gets my last best hope for getting this stuff out of my head killed, and I still feel sorry that he’s gone.” John turned slightly and curled a stray lock of Aeryn’s hair around one finger. “God knows I should hate him, I feel like I’ve lost you.”
Aeryn captured John’s hand in both her own. “You FEEL you’ve lost me but I DID lose YOU.” The emotion in her voice was so raw that John actually jerked away from her a bit. “I held you in my arms and I watched you die. And not just for a few arns either. For 150 solar days; 150 solar days that I had to try to focus my work.... any work on Talyn so that the pain wouldn’t over take me. And if the days were bad the nights were worse. My body ached for you, and my thoughts were like a whirlwind in my head not allowing me to sleep and whenever I closed my eyes I had to see it all over again. You were everywhere on that ship, and I couldn’t escape it. I felt so alone John. And it wasn’t a dream, it was real, I LIVED it. She paused and her eyes filled with tears again. “And yet here you are”, she placed a hand on his cheek for a second and then drew it back. “How’s that for frelled up?”
They were silent for a few microts, each struggling to process what the other had said.
“I can’t Aeryn,” When John finally spoke it was barely above a whisper, “I can’t just go back to square one, and pretend like none of this ever happened. I just can’t.”
Aeryn shook her head. “Neither can I, and I wouldn’t want to even if I could.”
“So where does that leave us, what do we do?”
“I don’t know. But I do know we have to find a way to.... get past this somehow.”
John searched her face, “Why, because he would have wanted us to?”
“No, not for his sake, for ours. I don’t know, it just seems that we have been cheated of so much in our lives, you and I. And we deserve so much better than we got.”
John looked down at their intertwined fingers, when he looked back up, his face was wet with tears. “I don’t know where to start.”
Aeryn looked hurt, but she nodded and let his hand go, “Okay.” As she started to get up she knocked over a little blue notebook that she hadn’t noticed on the edge of the table. She picked it up and the diagrams made her freeze in her tracks. “What were you doing John?” she said fighting to keep her voice neutral, “before I came in here?”
“What? Nothing, just working on my star chart”, he reached over to take the notebook from her.”
“Your star chart.”
“Yesssss, this is the uncharted Territories, somebody’s got to chart them. I lost the original, but I started a new one. It helps pass the time.”
“It’s a star chart.” Aeryn was staring at John as if he was going to bite her.
“Uh-huh” John wondered if the intensity of their conversation had given her some kind of temporary mental illness. ´You see,” he said flipping open the notebook and pointing out of the window., “We pass stars, I draw stars, I give them names. And yes, I know they’ve got names already, but I like to name them after stuff I’m familiar with. It’s easier to remember and makes me feel closer to home.” “See that’s Scrappy, Scooby, Shaggy....”. John pointed out the corresponding star to the diagrams on the page. “Hey, are you okay?” His voice filled with concern, “you’re shaking”.
Aeryn closed her eyes for a second, “I’m fine,” she managed a small smile, “It’s just cold in here. What, .... What do you call that one there? She tapped a star on the page with one fingernail and then quickly clasped her hands behind her back.”
John looked at the page and then back at Aeryn. There was a struggle of emotions on his face and he was silent for several microts.
“That one’s Aeryn,” he said simply, “the brightest one always is.”
Aeryn turned away from John but for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to leave. He had a feeling that something important had just happened, that she was coming to some kind of a decision, but he didn’t know what it was.
“Are you sleepy?” she said turning back to him.
John shook his head, “Nuh-huh”
Aeryn took his hand again, “Then if you don’t mind, I’d like to help you name some stars.”
“Are you sure Aeryn?” He couldn’t understand why but he was starting to tremble and he couldn’t take his eyes off her. “There are a lot of them”
She really smiled then, that beautiful smile he had missed for so long. “Then we’ll take our time.”
