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The pain was a never ending well from which she drew and she was alone like she had never been before. That had always been her greatest fear and now it was a fact. Oh, there were the others on board Moya she called friends, there was even Pilot who had always given her comfort before. But this time was different. This time she was different.
There was only one place she could escape to, one place where the memories eased the ache inside her. Just a little, true, but enough to keep going.
She looked up to see John’s eyes staring at her. Those incredibly blue eyes that took her breath away. Or had until she closed them one last time. Now she had to steele herself when they glanced her way.
She steeled herself now to not let the hurt in his eyes affect her. Not let the pain distract her. She would not notice his desperation.
“Aeryn. Please don’t do this. Please!” God, if only his voice was not so raw. If only he would stop trembling. He had tried so hard to be patient with her. He hadn’t pushed, just like his alter ego had suggested. She knew this, but it didn’t matter. She could not live through it again.
She shook her head. “I have to.” Her hand twitched as she almost reached out to smooth his hair. To give comfort. No. There was no comfort there. Only pain. She was right, she had to do this.
But when had her voice become so hard? “I’ve talked to Crais. He will stay here on board Moya. Talyn is agreeable to my taking the Hand of Friendship, fully this time. Until this is finished, I can help you better as Talyn’s pilot. All the arrangements have been made John. There’s nothing left to do but go.” She would help him, yes. But they both knew this was more than just being a few metres away. If they survived she would leave with Talyn. They all knew it.
“Aeryn, please. I..I know it’s been hard. That you loved him. But you don’t have to do this. We can work something out.” He was pacing desperately now. Trying to think of a way to make her stay. He couldn’t of course, but he still had hope. The pain came again at the thought of that hope. What would happen to him when he lost it? The same thing that had happened to her? She felt like she was going to suffocate. She had to leave.
He stopped and looked at her again, sensing the truth. “You’re really going?”
She nodded.
His tone grew bitter. “Yes, I guess you are. You’re getting pretty good at leaving me aren’t you?” His hands clenched and his mouth twisted with emotion.
“Tell me something.” He moved closer to her. Too close.
“Did you ever once think about me while you were out there with him? Just once?” The pain and anger behind the voice made her wince. Had she?
“No.”
His hand swept the game pieces to the floor with a violence that made her heart skip. Yes, he was getting there. She was watching the hope, the life, drain out of him and there was nothing she could do.
He had turned his back to her.
Perhaps she could do something after all. She could tell him the truth. The thought made her cringe and she wanted to run out the door and never look back. She stayed.
“John. Listen to me." She saw him stiffen. "I have always loved you, but on Talyn I had a choice to make, and I made it. I chose him and I gave him... everything.” She felt like her heart was being ripped apart, but she kept going. “And it was glorious. It was.... Perfect.”
She watched him standing there with his back to her, not moving. “But he’s gone now and I can’t stay here. Don’t you see? I see your face, I see his.... I hear your voice, I hear his. It’s too much. And it’s not because I think you’re a copy. You are John, I know that.” Was that her voice shaking? “That is why I can’t stay. I can't watch you die again. I can not. It would kill me.”
“You don’t know that....” He turned back to face her, eyes red and his skin ashen.
“No, John. I can’t.” Her voice grew firmer. “I won’t. I know you have to do this. So do I. You have to let me go.”
“I will be lost without you.”
*then you’ll never be lost* She remembered those words, even if he didn’t. She wished she could give him the answer she had then.
“You’ll be fine.”
“How much did he love you?” It came out a whisper.
That’s how much ‘I’ love you, was implicit in the words. They both knew he wouldn’t be fine. The pain in her chest increased.
“Officer Sun. Talyn would like to know when to expect you.” Pilot’s voice interrupted.
“Thank you Pilot. Tell him I’m on my way.”
They stood staring at each other. She already had his image with her for life, but here and now she marveled anew at how beautiful he was. For an instant she wished she could take it all back. That she could fall into his arms and let him make the world right again. But nothing would be right again. She ignored the pain threatening to consume her. Ignored the tears finally making their way down his face. Ignored the sweet husky sound of her name.
“Goodbye John.”
She didn’t even notice her own tears as she walked away.
