"It's so good to see you, Mr. Kemper." Bubbled the attractive entertainment reporter. She had never thought her first assignment would be the David Kemper. She shuffled carefully through her notes.
"Mr. Kemper, it must have been quite an emotional moment when you decided to pull the plug on Farscape at the end of season three, especially after getting a two year renewal."
David Kemper smiled boyishly. "It really wasn't that hard. I just realized all of a sudden that with the death of the real John Crichton, there was nothing left to do." He leaned over to talk confidentially to the reporter. "You know that the John Crichton character was based on me, right?"
"No sir, I didn't."
Kemper chuckled. "Once John was gone, why worry about the John that was left? He was only a pale imitation of the real John Crichton. And while I'm on the subject, why would even a loser like the Xerox Crichton be interested in a frigid bitch like Aeryn Sun?" Kemper leaned back in his hand crafted leather chair and smiled. "And I have a much better show ready to go on in 2002."
The reporter perked up at once. This was a scoop! "A new show, sir?"
"You bet. It's called "Moe Can't Cook." My friend Moe the razor tooth vorlag has never been able to master the use of a toaster, let alone a microwave oven or a real stove. So, each week we have Moe kill and eat a flock of chickens."
The reporter gulped. "Kill and eat chickens, sir? That's the whole program?"
Kemper laughed heartily. "No, no. Of course not. Not while we have Claudia Black under an iron clad contract."
This was news. "Claudia Black will be in the program, Mr. Kemper, sir?"
"You bet. Unfortunately, in addition to the "no nudity" clause in her contract, she had a "no biting the heads off of live poultry" clause in her contract. There'll be some heads rolling in Legal over that little oversight."
Suddenly Kemper clapped his hands over his mouth. "Ooops. That's a spoiler. The beheading of the lawyers won't be until Moe's Christmas Special." He smiled winningly at the reporter. "There's a scoop for the folks at home."
Kemper leaned forward. "Picture this. We get Claud all glammed up, just like we did for Farscape Undressed. Then we stand her right next to the chickens and let Moe loose. The vorlag hasn't eaten since the previous episode, so he charges right into those birds. There's blood, feathers and chicken guts all over her. You may think of Claudia Black as being every inch a lady, but the language she uses.." Kemper dissolves into giggles.
The reporter is shocked. "I can't believe a nice, polite vorlag like Moe would do such a thing."
David Kemper looks serious for a moment. "Moe tries to be polite and offer Claud a bite to eat, but vorlags lack opposable thumbs, so his ability to throw stinks. You should see poor Moe bombarding Claud with dismembered chickens."
Kemper doubles over in laughter. Finally he recovers. "Oh yeah. There's that redneck kid I had to pretend to like all those years. I have him under contract, too."
David Kemper turns to a large steel door at the end of his palatial office. "Hey, Froon. What do have up for Browder?"
The door flies open and the reporter screams as a huge, black bat flies out. "Yes, Master?" It squeaks.
"Froon!" Screams Kemper. "What do we have for Browder? Did we decide to go with the kids program where the kids spank him?"
"No Master." The bat replies. "We decided to go with the honey and fire ants shtick."
The reporter edges away form the huge bat. "That isn't Froonium Rickey." She screams.
"It is now." Kemper replies mildly.
Edging away from the bat, the reporter suddenly gets a look at the part of David Kemper that was behind his massive desk. "Wait, you're not..You can't be..You're really.."
Kemper smiles. "Quite so, my dear. David Kemper had decided the next three seasons of "Farscape" would be spent producing the greatest love story in the Universe. John and Aeryn's. A man in my position can hardly have that."
The reporter saw that she had figured things out too late. "But that means that Claudia Black and Ben Browder are in the hands of.."
As she sags to the floor, the being that is now David Kemper begins singing under his breath,
Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith
And remember, be careful out there,
UCSBDad
