The Ins and Outs Of Coming Out

So you’ve decided to do it…
Drop the bombshell…
“Hey Mom, Dad, Guess what. I’m Gay”

     Okay so it isn't as easy as that. Well actually it is. Saying the words is easy but dealing with the fall out and actually having the courage to say those few words isn’t. The first question you need to ask yourself is why. What are your reasons? Don’t be pressured into coming out just because your partner has, use their strength but don’t feel forced. Your coming out age is similar to the age at which you start puberty… every one starts at different age. It all depends on their self confidence.
     So what you’re so far in the closet you’re in Narnia. Don’t just rush at the doors, take little baby steps. It can be as simple as not having that imaginary bf/gf any more… Just saying I’m single, or seeing someone special, or not interested in a bf/gf. Baby-steps.

     Okay… So you’ve got a good reason. Brilliant. Now its time to think of the particulars. Choosing the best place. Try to get people alone, a single individual has less bigotry than a group. Speak in simple terms (not that they’re stupid or anything). Cut the Fag Slag. e.g. don’t say “Look Breeder, It’s time you knew I’m a bender and I want you to be my fag hag.” Not only does it sound stupid it alienates people.
Be Simple… Be True… Be Truthful… Be You…

     Now you’ve told them... here come the sticky part. Their reaction…

Shock
     The obvious first reaction is shock. Up until a minute a go they though the reason their son had Kylie plastered on the all was because he wanted to shag her not be her… and they though their daughter joined the army to marry an army bloke not be one. Here you need to stand by them assure them you’re still the same person you were yesterday and you still love them.
Shock can last anywhere from a couple minutes to hours, days even longer so be prepared.

Denial
     Don’t be alarmed. Denial is good as it indicated they’ve heard you and are thinking about it. It can come in lots of different forms…

Hostility – “No son of mine can be a f*%!%g fag”
Non registering – “That’s nice what’s on TV”
Non caring – “It’s your life”
Or Absolute Rejection – “It’s just a phase; you’ll grow out of it”

     Which ever reaction the use of it will undoubtedly hurt you… But remember it’s based on their opinion of gays and the stereotypes rubbed off on them buy a homophobic world. Your reaction here is very important. Returning their hostility with your own will only bring things to an argument. We know parents can be complete bastards at this time but don’t go to that level. Okay Okay so there must be a good way to react… Yes there is and here it is

Hostility - Don’t lose your cool. Keep calm… if you feel anger rising walk away and come back later. I can hear you all going it isn't as easy as that but it is. Simply go cool down… As said by a very wise person (Confucius) “A word muttered in anger is a word muttered in ignorance”.

Non Registering/Non Caring - Best to bring it up at a later date… Right now they can’t handle it and pushing the issue will take them to Hostility or Rejection.

Rejection - DON’T PUSH IT… Simply explain you’ve been trying to grow out of it for ages and its not worked and it never will… then leave it… Bringing you partner or, or plastering your walls with nude pics isn’t a good idea right now.

The secret is not making it into an argument.

Guilt
At some point this will set in and will hit hard.
“If we didn’t let him do ballet”
“If only we’d made her wear dresses”
“I should have been there to teach him about girls”
“I should have curbed her cat obsession”
“We were too soft”

     It’s difficult for them. They brought you into his world and now you’re not “normal” (what is normal anyway?). Here they will get very emotional, crying and expressing themselves the best they know how. You need to be supportive of them here. Show them that you still care.

Then they start asking questions. Here’s where it gets interesting.
“How long have you known?”
“Don’t you feel anything for girls/boys?”
“Was it something I did? I knew that fall when you were one broke something.”
“Will your siblings be gay to?”
“Top or Bottom?”

All these things will come out... Establish a common ground and explain to them that jus as hard as it is for them it’s equally hard for you (don’t make yourself a martyr they die)

Resolution
Some parents take forever to get here, but eventually they will and here is where you find out where you stand… after lots of thought they will either be

Supportive – They accept who you are, the reality of you sexuality, if your lucky to have parents that come to this stage you friendship with them will develop and be even better than ever.

Far But No Further – The majority of parents will fall into this category. They accept, they still love you, but they won’t go any further. They set their limits, weather it be they don’t want you to bring your partner around, or no snogging in their faces, no sleeping the same bed in their house. After a while some of these rules will drop as they get more comfortable with you… but don’t push or try to force it… it will make them even more uncomfortable and instead of walls coming down they go up.

Warfare – Sadly some people get parents like these. Everything is a challenge… here Unsupportive, Annoying, Even may disown their child. You’re in a no win situation. Get out. Get surrogate parents if you have too. One day they may come around but for now you’ll have to limit contact. It’s hard but it’s something you will have to do.

True Acceptance
     Sadly every parent doesn’t come this far… they will be accepting but not approve 100% of the lifestyle. But then again the may not approve o their 28 year old son’s wife either.

Everyone else
     Siblings will go through the same reactions as you parents… Especially if they are older than you… Respond to them similarly… but undoubtedly very few people fall out completely with their siblings. They are much more understanding than parents.

     Friends on the other hand are a different kettle of fish. They will have no feelings of guilt as they weren’t instrumental in your uprising... well not that instrumental. They will either see it as a new opportunity and go with it... even becoming your Fag hag or they will have nothing to do with you. Just remember that if they don’t want to talk or be around you just cause your gay then they never really were you friends and don’t deserve you… and though it may seem tough to begin with you will still make new friends.

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Narnia is a magical land created by CS. Lewis. It’s found at the back of your closet. In these terms being in Narnia is being so scared of expressing your sexuality that you date person’s of the opposite sex just to fit in.

Written by Jason Carter