After Jack’s selfless offer of himself at the altars of Edward Mulroy and Inspector Clusine, Paris, the agent, not the city, and I decided to take him on a luxury cruise through the Mediterranean. Although it took us some time to convince him that our purpose was not to turn him into sea debris, he finally agreed to go. Besides, I really need a break from Paris, the city, not the agent. My mailbox is chuck full of love letters from one of gay Paris’, the city, not the agent, gay detectives to (Up)Chuck and I am getting tired of forwarding and returning them.
Boy am I looking forward to this. Four days on a luxury ship - no worries, no gun battles, no kidnappings, no conflicts!
Jack a.k.a. Michael Renwick, Paris the agent, not the city, and I check in and go for some light food and drink, purposely selecting a lounge that we do not need to go through the casino to get to. As I am sitting there, basking in the delight of carefree vacationing, I spot Charles Drasser, thief, and Nadine, the trigger happy, sticky fingered even-for-a-thief from the New York training mission. I may be paranoid, but something tells me my vacation will be less than the relaxing dream cruise of my fantasies.
Nadine approaches and we introduce her to Paris, the agent, not the city, and ask her to join us. Michael and Nadine begin to bicker and argue over the events in New York while Paris openly ogles Mr. Drasser.
After dinner, Michael and Nadine want to gamble - surprise, surprise, so we go to the casino where Michael, seeing no free chairs, immediately yells "banco." Paris can’t stand to watch, so she heads off in search of eligible men. Michael proceeds to lose to none other than Martin Schuyler (see Arlington report). It is obvious that Michael has no recollection of his prior experience with Mr. Schuyler. We tried to reason with Michael, but he’d been bitten by the gambling bug, so he loses $78,000 to Schuyler.
Nadine bets against Schuyler and loses $5,000. They go to the bar for a drink and Michael leaves the casino so he still has some money to gamble with the next day.
Paris wanders the ship until she happens upon two good-looking vict … specimens. She is invited to sit with none other than Vittorio Tesoro (from New York - is anybody else seeing a pattern here?) and Kieran, Mr. Diamond’s bodyguard.
So Michael is off attending to other business (more later), Paris is ensnaring Kieran in her web, Nadine is engaging Mr. Schuyler in an interesting variation of a wine tasting and I, needing a breath of fresh air to ward away the cloud that is threatening my vacation, go to the Horizon Lounge. In retrospect, this was a bad plan, as my journey to the Horizon has led me to Mr. Diamond, Emma (who hasn’t surfaced in a really long time) and Laura Callaghan, another long unseen psychopath (the only relief being that her husband is not with her). We exchange niceties and I go to my cabin in search of my ever present extra large bottle of extra strength aspirin.
Nadine and Schuyler retire to his suite in order to take their wine tasting to the next level.
The next morning, we (Paris, Michael and me) meet for breakfast. I finally clue Michael in about the identity of his new gambling nemesis. Seeing the Mulroy bug starting to set in, Paris and I attempt to talk sense into him (another exercise in futility, it would be easier to talk (Up)Chuck into trying Paris’ new nail polish shade, Romantic Rose).
Not trusting Michael’s assurances that he will not attempt to recoup his losses in Jack Payne style, I clue Paris in to the presence of many master thieves on this ship. Mumbling something about how Jack/Michael loses money and she ends up drugged in a chair, Paris storms off to find Michael while I, trying to keep up the relaxing vacation facade, go make us appointments at the salon.
Paris finds Michael in the stationery writing "Dear Ed, Jacques says hey" on a postcard addressed to a French prison, has a chat and joins me in the salon.
Meanwhile, Nadine has returned to her cabin only to find that the pictures she is here to exchange for a quarter of a million dollars are missing. Wanting to accuse, I mean ask Michael where the pictures are, she finds the captain and asks if he knows where she can find Jack-who-keeps-changing-his-name or the two ladies who paid for him. Surprisingly, the captain cannot help.
Eventually, she finds Michael, but he tells her he doesn’t know where they are. Nadine, weighing the possibility that Mr. Diamond has stolen the pictures, decides to enlist the assistance of Mr. Schuyler to get her money.
Nadine finds Schuyler and bares all, including her dilemma. She gives it to him straight: she was told to steal some art from Flash’s apartment, it was fake, she got mad, shot up the place and stole his personal pictures from his gallery. Schuyler’s laughter causes the ship to roll, and we all had to roll on our wellness. She also tells him that Paris and I are thieves ( am not a thief), but Michael is just dumb.
Here’s where my vacation goes to hell in a hand basket. Nadine finds Paris and me having fresh coats of Beguiling Blossom applied to our nails to tell us that Schuyler’s plan involves having the dope, Michael, less-than-honestly win the money from Diamond at a table of chance.
I am now experiencing some degree of professional turmoil, so I take Paris and go to see Mr. Diamond. It is very difficult to explain the situation on account of the fact that he and Kieran are both ogling Miss Paris, and I am busy trying extinguish the flames (not of desire, the suave and debonair Diamond has dropped his cigarette, and then proceeded to blow hot ashes all over the room - he would have used his drink to put out the fire but a) it was alcohol and b) it basted really good, although I think the bongue bied Mr. Diamond meant tasted).
Diamond tries to write me a check, but I have to help him spell Sheila first, for a million dollars as payment for finding a way to turn the (gambling) tables on Mr. Schuyler.
I am lost in a sea of six year old boys stuck in thirty year old bodies. Diamond has had the pictures that were taken from Flash stolen, and Schuyler intends to cheat Diamond, who thinks he is going to cheat Schuyler, Michael is developing a potentially (gambling) crippling case of writer’s cramp from writing postcards to Mulroy, and Diamond and Kieran are likely to sink the ship in their overzealous pursuit of Paris, the agent, not the city.
Awards:
Nadine: Most Original Wine Tasting.
Michael: Most Postcards Sent from One Cruise.
Paris: Most Eligible Bachelors Ensnared on One Cruise.
Sheila: Worst Choice of Dream Vacation.
(Up)Chuck (in absentia): Most Love Letters Received from One Suitor.
Okay, where were we? Oh yes, Paris, the agent, not the city, and I have made a deal with Diamond to interfere with the deal that Nadine made with Schuyler. Michael, is simply a pawn in everybody’s plans.
So Paris, the agent, not the city, and I offer Michael $250,000 to lose to Diamond instead of winning, and he gives it the thumbs way up. Of course, in the meantime and unbeknownst to us, the pawn has decided to elevate his standing on the chess board of double-dealing. He went to Diamond and told him about the plan. Diamond offers to split the winnings, if Michael loses to Schuyler.
All of these back-door dealings have left everyone hungry, so we all make our way to dinner. Michael, Paris and I are seated at a table next to Nadine’s. Some fluke of nature has placed Emma and Laura at our table, as well. Schuyler enters and approaches Nadine, who says, "I’m through with you, Skylight."
There was a terrible thud as both Schuyler and Michael’s jaws hit the floor. Schuyler can’t believe he’s being blown off and Michael sees his deals going down the tubes.
Schuyler marches off in the direction of a corner table occupied by the Lonely Thieves Club, including Flash and the Diamond entourage.
Michael picks his teeth up and begins ordering lots of food as Nadine makes her way to Diamond’s table. We all watch as they begin some strange eating ritual that involves spitting and gargling champagne and beer. It turns out that Nadine has said something about stealing for personal gain and revealing their secrets, causing the honorable thieves to choke (it’s okay, Michael was prepared to administer the friendly sternum rub) and begin leaving the table.
Emma also leaves, so Charles Drasser sits and introduces himself as Peter Jacobson. Nadine returns to our table with her champagne and lots of food. Nadine then goes in search of the affronted Martin Skylight. Jack, having tried at least a small portion of every entree on the menu, gets up, and Paris, the agent, not the city, afraid that he will gamble away what’s left of his money, follows.
Drasser/Jacobson makes a really bad pass at me, but I take him up on his offer anyway in an attempt to relieve some frustration.
Jack manages only to lose about ten thousand and stops gambling to savor his victory.
Nadine locates Skylight and cons him into continuing the gambling plan, by telling him that she was only trying to convince everybody that they couldn’t be working together. He offers to continue discussing it over breakfast, but his innuendo is lost and she returns to her cabin to go to sleep.
The next day, Michael, getting no response to his knock, breaks into my cabin. Seeing nothing amiss, he leaves, but encounters Kieran who is in search of clothing for Paris, the agent, not the city, (who has obviously had yet another lovely evening) to wear. Michael, who for all his cabaret make-up experience will never be able to pose as a fashion expert, tells him to select something light and airy.
Since we have arrived at Florence we all go ashore. Somehow Laura winds up taking Michael to buy a new suit, Nadine goes shopping, Paris, the Diamond entourage and me (having ditched the mediocre-in-bed Mr. Drasser/Jacobson) go to town together, and Emma and Flash are off catching up on old times.
On returning to the ship, Nadine finds Michael and tells him to go to Schuyler’s room to prepare. She then calls Diamond and, in a stroke of absolute genius, tells him that it is Flash who wants to beat/cheat him at cards through Michael. Diamond bites, and the game is on.
Michael works out a set of hand signals with Schuyler to assure his success at the table. Schuyler offers him all of the winnings from the evening so poor Michael will have to do higher math through the whole game in order to know which side he’s on. Schuyler then dismisses Michael, so he can try out some new wine on Nadine.
Finally, we are all assembled in the casino. In case you’re lost, here’s the deal: Paris and I here to watch Michael win, then loose, oodles of Schuyler’s cash to Diamond, Schuyler is here to watch Diamond loose oodles of cash to Michael, Nadine is here to watch Michael win, no wait - she switched sides - loose, Michael is here to ?loose, and Diamond is here purely for amusement.
Let the game begin.
Michael wins, looses, wins, looses, wins, wins, looses, wins, wins, wins, wins … and Diamond concedes. He shakes Michael’s hand and congratulates him. Michael, wearing a look of horror only matched by the look on (Up)Chuck’s face when he realized his nails were painted a lovely shade called seductive sterling as he was on his way for a barium enema, asks for one more hand, but it was not to be.
Anyway, Schuyler is performing a very unattractive rendition of the hokey-pokey, Paris and I are devising Michael’s demise, Nadine is still yelling at the dancing Schuyler about getting her pictures back, and a totally confused Michael is looking for the bus that hit him.
Michael spends the whole night trying to figure out how to divvy the money up, deciding to return most of it to Diamond in an attempt to stave of feared retribution.
The next morning, Michael comes and tells me that he is giving Paris and me each $50,000 and getting the flock (duck tape reference) out of Dodge. He makes the mistake of knocking on Nadine’s door to tell her that he is giving her $100,000 and she realizes not only that he is the one who stole Flash’s pictures, but she’s short $150,000.
He finally gets off of the ship, only to find out that he can’t call Diamond from the shore, so he re-boards.
Meanwhile, Paris, the agent, not the city, and I go to Diamond to return the money, because we did not fulfill our end of the bargain. While we are trying to give it back, Michael arrives, followed shortly thereafter by a summoned Nadine. Diamond smiles as Paris and I debate the pros and cons of keeping the million, Nadine yells at Michael for taking her pictures for a paltry 100K, and Michael realizes that he can keep most of the money and live to spend it.
The long and the short of it is this: Nadine stole the pictures to sell to Flash, Diamond had Jack steal the pictures from Nadine to torment Flash, Schuyler arranged for a fixed card game to cheat Diamond out of lots of money through Jack, who went to Diamond to make his own deal, but only after Paris and I had already gone to put Diamond on the alert and made a counter deal to pay Michael to loose to Diamond, but before Nadine called Diamond to tell him about the cheat, as well.
Always the quick thinker, I use Michael’s ever present supply of duct tape to stop his head from doing the Exorcist spin. He rethinks his plan to return most of the money to Diamond, instead opting to keep most of it. Paris and I also decide to keep our cash.
Apparently, Diamond was trying to teach Michael a lesson about playing nicely with others, but there may be a reason there is no "T" for team in Jack Payne, Vince Larkin, Jason Aquelone, or Michael Renwick. Of course, there are three in Jacques the Terrorist …
Flash gets his pictures, Nadine gets $300,000 (courtesy of Michael), Paris and I get a half million each, Michael is almost a millionaire and Diamond has had an enjoyable I’m the-only-one-in-the-know day. So all’s well that ends well, yes?
Until Michael hears the three words needed to bring him out of his semi-catatonic state: Mulroy has escaped.
Jack’s back …
Awards:
Nadine:
Michael:
Paris:
Sheila: