I don’t know about this, but apparently my dubious success as an agent has led to a decision to make me an operative on this mission! Worse than that, the most experienced agent in the field is none other than Cracker Jack!
So I assemble my team: Cracker Jack, the international stock-brokering cabaret terrorist, Paris, the agent, not the city, and Karin Volker, who comes complete with an English slang to German dictionary. (Up)Chuck was supposed to be in on this one, but a newly developed case of narcolepsy caused him to sleep through the briefing. We sent him off to a sleep clinic, along with assurances that there was no GI testing required.
I give a really brief brief: they need to get into one David Hunt’s office in Miami, remove a removable hard drive from his safe, copy it, replace it and leave little or no trace that they were there. I took a moment to stress this point to Cracker Jack - no burn marks in the carpet, no shattered glass and absolutely no notes that read "Jack says hey."
As an afterthought, I mention the fact that the building is owned by the Veleesi crime family, who also have business interests located in the facility. Paris, the agent, not the city, works on the shopping list, starting with the standard items: duct tape and drop cloth, adding some night vision/infrared goggles and a safe cracking device. Cracker Jack remarks that this will be simple, causing me to yell at him, "ixnay on the inxjay, Jack."
Now that Jack has sealed the fate of the team, I try to send them off to Miami, but there were no flights available today, so everybody has to leave the next day.
Paris, the agent, not the city, has arranged for the team to stay at a hotel on Biscayne Blvd. so I get a room in a different hotel. After lunch, they decide to check out the building.
After seeing the surroundings, they decide that they should attempt to enter the building itself, instead of using one of the surrounding buildings to get to the roof. Jack’s idea was to find one of the custodial staff, take his place after having Karin shoot the poor guy with the dart gun (so he actually gets hit), go in alone, and have some means to communicate with Paris, thet agent, not the city, and Karin so they could talk him through the copying of the drive.
Sensing certain doom in that plan, Paris, the agent, not the city, suggests using a diversion in the ATM vestibule as a distraction so the three of them could enter the building. The team agrees that this is a good plan. Since the plan involves a smoldering cigarette and alcohol to create a small fire, I personally have some doubts, but I am also slightly glad that I was unable to get Jack the flame thrower he requested.
Paris, the agent, not the city, goes in search of the few items they needed, but were unable to get through ISIS. Jack goes to a tobacconist for cigarettes and rolling papers. He then goes to Karin’s hotel room (a designated smoking room) to try out his diversion techniques. Apparently Karin is luckier than I, as he has not managed to burn the carpet or set fire to her room.
They plan on doing the deed on Friday which gives them three days to enjoy Miami. The next day they decide to go to a local market place. Karin and Paris, the agent, not the city, find some lovely beaded bags to ooh and aah over and Jack gets bored. Since he is not paying any attention to their finds, he looks around and happens to spot an exchange. He tells Karin and Paris, the agent, not the city, that he is going to follow the woman and the girls should follow him.
The short of it is: Jack follows the woman, the girls follow Jack, the woman spots Karin and Paris, Karin and Paris window shop, Jack gets stopped by a marketing quiz person, speaks in tongues, and gets chased by some woman named Inga, before finally being stopped by Bill and Ted.
Yeah, I, too, felt that this needed some clarifying, so the long of it is:
Using the tailing and evasion techniques that he perfected on the street of Paris, the city not the agent, he follow her. Despite their highly honed skills, the target soon realizes that she is being tailed. She begins trying to mark her pursuers and manages to make Karin and Paris, who were actually following Jack. They stop at a store, and Paris goes in while Karin tries to keep her eye on the woman.
Jack thinks he is pretty slick and keeps trying to follow, only to be intercepted by a Quick Test marketer. It is apparent to him that he was not randomly chosen, so he pretends to speak only German. Then he tries to get away before Inga, the German speaking Miami market person, can arrive and Paris and Karin run intercept for him, by asking the marketers inane tourist questions in English and German.
His victory is short-lived as he is approached by two mall security guards, Bill and Ted. They ask him to return to Accessories, Unlimited because a patron called in a report that he had stolen some items from the store. They pass Karin and Paris, who turns on her Parisian charm. Jack, the wanted-in-Miami man is threatening to call Ted’s supervisor and rambling about not having time to purchase and/or steal anything from Accessories ‘r’ Us because he was busy answering questions about whether things made the bordering-on-anorexic girls look fat, the security guards are apologizing about having to do their job, Karin is consulting her English slang to German dictionary to see if people are allowed to do their doody in public in America, and Paris, the agent, not the city, is trying to undo the harm done by Jack’s threats and insults.
At this point, they had definitely lost their target, but deciding that it was probably a coincidence and had Jack picked up the bag she left behind, it would certainly have contained several kilos of cocaine, they go for dinner. Karin and Jack have discovered a mutual dislike of things French and decide to go a French restaurant to harass the waiters and send food back (fearing there would be undesirable body fluids in it). Paris, the agent, not the city, sits at a different table, but quickly becomes horrified at their behavior and goes to a different restaurant altogether.
Jack and Karin stop at a McDonald’s after dinner because they are starved.
That night, Jack decides to prowl the park across the street from the office building and the girls go to Rush, a night club owned by the Gallagher brothers.
Karin and Paris, the agent, not the city, look around the club only to spot the exchange woman from the market. However, the Gallagher brothers have spotted them and invite the girls to have a drink with them. While they are enjoying drinks with the guys, the exchange woman disappears and eventually returns to her companion who nods in Paris and Karin’s direction.
A photographer approaches the Gallagher brothers’ table and takes two pictures of the group. Paris, the agent, not the city, realizes that she has only left one picture on the table and calls her on it. A small argument ensues, after which the girls have both pictures, the photographer has another picture of the space where the ducking Karin was and Paris’s hand, and the Gallagher brothers have no company, as Karin and Paris depart.
Jack, having exhausted conversational repertoire of Gus, the park bum, and bruised his brow by holding the binoculars up for so long returns to the hotel.
They meet up at the hotel to discuss the evening’s events. They decide to move up the timetable and enter the building tomorrow night instead of Friday.
So, I am sitting at the side of the hotel pool, sipping a martiki, writing my report and, for the first time ever, I am having a lovely evening even though I am not with Paris, the agent, not the city!
Training Recommendations (I reserve the right to amend the recommendations as the mission progresses)
Everybody
Jack
Paris
Karin
So, where were we? Oh yeah, I was sipping a martiki pool side, basking in the sun and rather enjoying the laid back life of an operative. But I can’t shake the memory of Jack saying this would be simple …
The next morning the team finishes enjoying the sights of Miami by going to the zoo. Later, they decide to eat and an argument ensues over which restaurant to go to. Paris, the agent, not the city, has one requirement - the waiters have to wear ties. She then has to convince Jack that the little bow ties worn by the McDonald’s crew doesn’t count. Finally, they manage to select a restaurant.
Inside the restaurant they spot two men sitting at another table. Karin recognizes one of the men as the escort of the exchange woman from the market place and Rush.
After dinner, the group returns to the hotel for a nap. Before going out, they put club clothes on underneath their black jumpsuits and head out. When they drive past the building, they notice that there are lights on both the eighth and ninth floors, so they go to a diner to kill some time.
Back in my hotel, I am anxiously awaiting a call from the team telling me that the mission has been accomplished - hey, I have some optimistic moments, even though they are usually ill-placed.
Finally, the team goes to the building. Jack takes the cigarette that Karin has lit for him and uses his ATM card to gain entry to the vestibule. He places the smoking butt in the garbage and leaves. Unbeknownst to the team, a security guard politely put the cigarette out for the absent-minded Jack, thus removing the diversion.
Karin and Paris, the agent, not the city, are waiting for Jack by the service entrance. Even though there are no sirens, they go to the door at the planned time. Paris uses her Radio Shack meter to determine that there are no contacts on the door. Jack takes the meter from her, indicates to her that it needs to be turned on and determines that there are, in fact, contacts on the door. Paris uses international sign language to tell Jack that she is displeased with him. Jack picks the lock, Paris, the agent, not the city, uses the U-shaped magnets to take care of the contacts on the door, and Karin carries the ACME safe cracking device. This is reminding me of an episode of the Wile E. Coyote/Road Runner Show …
Meanwhile, back at Operation Central, I get a phone call saying that a message has been intercepted that indicates that some government agency is observing the break-in. I knew this was too easy. I guzzle the last of my martiki, grab my extra large bottle of extra strength aspirin and head toward the building.
The team heads up the stairs. Upon reaching the ninth floor, they find that it is a no re-entry door. Never one to let a little sign get in his way (and after quickly consulting Worst Case Scenarios and 1001 Uses for Duct Tape), Jack duct tapes the two pieces together and unscrews the contact. He picks the lock and again, Paris takes care of the contacts on the other side.
I receive another call saying that the team has been observed reaching the ninth floor. Luckily, I am an excellent driver, so I speed up.
The team is now in a well-lit lobby, so they run to the doors leading to the offices. These are also locked. Paris uses her electronic tool to defeat the keypad (eventually) and they enter the hall. As they pass the office doors, they are unhappy to see that all the doors use card access. Unable to figure out how to unlock the door, they decide to go over it. Jack holds Paris, the agent, not the city, up so she can move the ceiling tile and cut a hole in the wall. Jack is doing the she’s-not heavy-but-it’s-really-awkward-to-hold-her-still dance, Paris, the agent, not the city, is trying to cut neatly and Karin is rubbing Paris, the plaster, not the agent, into the carpet to remove the evidence. Jack would have consulted 1001 Uses for Duct Tape for information on vacuuming with the miracle tape, but then both Paris, the plaster and the agent would have been on the floor.
Paris, the agent, not the city, makes it into the room and Jack lifts Karin up so she can replace the ceiling tile. Finally, the team is in the reception office outside of Hunt’s. Cracker Jack uses his powers of paranoia and hearing to detect that someone is coming, so they hide.
News flash: latest transmission indicates that the team is in Hunt’s office. I pop some aspirin.
Two guards open the door to the room and spot Karin under the couch. One draws his gun and orders her out. She launches into German, pretending that she can’t understand them and heads for the door. As she is in attempting to go through the door, Cracker Jack tries to pickpocket the gun from the holster of the second guard, but - I know this will surprise you because it involves Jack and a weapon - he misses. Jack returns to hiding behind the door since Karin has almost made it across the threshold. When she makes it into the hallway with the two guards, the door closes.
While the guards are taking Karin to the security office, Jack and Paris, the agent, not the city, continue to Hunt’s office. The door is locked, of course, and an impatient Jack breaks through it. The keypad is emitting a beeping sound so Paris goes to work with her hand dandy electronic keypad device. The keypad stops beeping, in fact it stops doing anything, and Paris reports that it is "broken."
Inside Hunt’s office, Paris, the agent, not the city, sets up the ACME safe-cracking device that Karin left under the couch. When nothing happens, she hands it to Jack and tells him it’s broken, as well. Jack, feeling way too confident that he managed to get this far, takes the device from her and also sets it up wrong. Finally, Paris figures out what they are doing wrong and corrects it. Once the safe is open, they begin to bicker and argue over whether they should simply take the hard drive or attempt to copy it. Deciding that they should only copy it, because they weren’t supposed to leave any sign that they were there, they opt for copying. Does leaving a team member in the security office and a Jack Payne outline in the door constitute leaving a sign?
Jack is torn between using duct tape to repair the door and looking around for something else to steal, but there are no flame throwers and the duct tape is not oak colored to match the door, so he does neither.
Outside, on the street, I find the most-likely-to-be-holding-other-spies car in the area and call 911 to report that they threatened me with a gun. The latest transmission indicates that two 911 calls have been placed from this location and someone wants permission to shoot the team members, but is denied. Not only is he denied, but they are planning to use our Plan B and steal the information from the team after they do all the work. Boy does that make me mad.
Back in the security office, Karin hears the police and guards saying that they should send someone up to guard the door to the office. She dives for the door and manages to create a diversion, delaying the cops for a few minutes.
Jack and Paris, the agent, not the city, leave the office and head for the stairs.
The situation so far: Karin is shouting in German as the security people are shouting in English, knowing that she will surely understand them if they say everything loud enough, someone is waiting to ambush my team, the place is swarming with security guards, cops, ADT alarm people and enough spies to hold a small convention, Jack and Paris have copied the drive, broken the electronic keypad, left a hole in both the door and the wall and are escaping into the stairwell just as the guards are exiting the elevator on the ninth floor.
The suspect car moves into position to watch the service entrance. I get into a position where, hopefully, I can drive in and pick up the team before this car can get to them. This may have worked, had they come out that way, but Cracker Jack and Paris, the agent, not the city, opted to go the other way.
Karin sees Jack and Paris on the security camera and again dives for the door to draw attention away from the monitors.
The car I am watching is lurching forward so I make a U-turn in front of him, causing him to be negatively modified by road rage. I flip him the bird to complete his frustration and turn in front of the building. Of course, the flaw in this plan is that I have no idea what he is going to do, so I let him pass.
Jack and Paris have left the building, shed their black jumpsuits and entered the bar in the building. Karin, once again seeing Jack’s mug on the video monitor, runs out of the office only to be dealt twelve bruising points by the reception counter.
Jack and Paris have left the bar by the front entrance and I see the car pacing two people walking on the other side of the street. I speed up ahead of the car, turn around, and screech to a halt in front of Jack and Paris. Luckily, I am an excellent driver! Paris, the agent, not the city, has not recognized me and is backing away. Jack recognizes my superior driving technique and says, "hey it’s Sheila," followed by "sniper" as he gets shot in the head and chest.
Okay, now I know what we’re dealing with. It’s the one and only Deputy Dicky Dog, the man who gave birth to report writing, the man who shot me in the foot, causing me to wind up married to my Latino prick of an ex-husband (see Amsterdam report) - boy do I owe this guy!
I shoot at the other car that’s finally completed its poor imitation of my exquisitely executed U-turn. I have Jack-on-the-brain and miss. Deputy Despicable Dork shoots me in the chest and, had I still been upright in the driver’s seat, I would have stuck my tongue out at him for missing the head shot. I pull myself back into driving position and yell at Paris to get Jack, who is admiring the clean Miami pavement, and get in the car.
She wants to drive, but there is no way to get her into the driver’s seat fast enough, and even though she has driving school, I am an excellent driver.
The guys in the other car are shooting at us and hit my car. We take some damage and our speed is cut in half. I give Jack my gun and he shoots the following car, which blows up. Now I know what Jack’s problem is - he can’t shoot with his own weapon (I know that sounds like a personal problem)! Anyway, he pulls out a flask in celebration and offers it to me. I tell him that I am driving, but then I remember all of the martikis, stick a finger in the hole in my chest and take a swig. Apparently, I now have discovered my drinking, driving and distraction saturation point. Paris, who is consulting the map, yells that I should make a left and I have a small (on the Richter Scale) crash. Fortunately, the car doesn’t blow up, but we all take some bruising points, and I have to add yet another name to the list of agencies from which I can no longer rent a car.
Back at the office building, Karin, who by now looks like a battered wife, is being taken out to a police car. As they put her in the back, she slides over and jumps out the other side. Deputy Dastardly Dana shoots her, but in a stroke of F’in luck, he shoots each of the cops once and Karin jumps into the police car and escapes. The keys for the handcuffs are laying on the seat, so she drops the car off at a 7-11 where it will attract little or no attention, removes the black jump suit and returns to the hotel.
Paris, Jack and I have managed to evade all of our pursuers and I tell Car Jack to appropriate a vehicle for us. As we are heading for Bob Diamond’s Fort Lauderdale home, I can’t help but wonder why I always end up driving through the countryside in a stolen car with Jack.
So, Karin spent the night getting bruised and abused (and I hope she realizes how lucky she is that she escaped because if she was depending on us to get her free, she was in big trouble), I not only got shot in the chest, but also added yet another blight to my once (a long time ago) spotless driving record and Jack got just what he didn’t need - another hole in the head. I think Jack put it best when he said that somehow amid all of this chaos, Paris had a somewhat (in comparison) lovely evening.
Training Recommendations:
Jack
Paris
Karin
Sheila
Awards:
Jack
Paris
Karin
Sheila