Let me start by saying that this mission is definitely improving. We have managed to get a little bit of information on the drugs and Paris, we know that Fiona has a reverse foot fetish, (Nun)Chuck suffers from bloodlust, and Rossi is a wee bit too attached to his car battery. And I now have in my possession the holy grail of all papers: an American passport! I can taste freedom! But wait, let me start at the beginning.
We stay up ‘til the wee hours of the morning planning what to do next. We manage to agree that we should kidnap some mid-level bozo from the club and try to get information. As most of us scan the lists of Quickening personnel, (Nun)Chuck offers to begin random beheadings of the staff. We tell him no. Eventually, we decide on Greg Murdoch, because Mitchell points out that he (Murdoch, not Mitchell) is the next most likely target now that the twins have been sent to take care of Dean Something-or-Other in London. (Nun)Chuck offers to leave a beheaded body in Murdoch’s apartment. Once again, we decline his unsolicited offer to kill (mental note: have someone check his psych profile and rabies results - not necessarily in that order).
The twins arrive in the middle of the night and go to report to Mitchell, who throws them out of his room when they start to argue about Sean’s expertise (or lack thereof) with a kitchen knife.
Since Rossi has already been to Murdoch’s apartment, we send him on the kidnapping with (Nun)Chuck early in the morning. Mitchell and Fiona, who have selected an abandoned castle in a park to serve as Kidnapping Central, take the makings for a proper British tea and go to the castle to wait. I have selected a movie (that I don’t know the ending of) to watch with my old pal Jack. Since his recent encounter with the torture mongers at the Quickening have rendered him incapable of operating a remote control, I take the opportunity to rewind and forward the tape as I see fit, paying special attention to the parts of the movie that involve the young protagonist involving his unwitting female companion in potentially dangerous situations.
Anyway, Rossi and (Nun)Chuck drive to the apartment, leaving early enough that they only have to worry about being seen by homeless pleople. An argument ensues over which means of entry to use. They eventually agree to disagree and (Nun)Chuck climbs the fire escape while Rossi picks the lock (once again successfully using the lock pick for its intended purpose without breaking it) on the front door and uses the stairs.
(Nun)Chuck gets to Murdoch’s apartment and finds the window open. He enters a spacious living room that is filled with bomfy couches and is aware of two figures in the room. Rossi unscrews the hall light bulb before picking the lock and entering. As Rossi opens the door and is bathed in ambient light from the hallway, the female figure nearest him slams the door back into him and (Nun)Chuck attacks the male figure on the other side of the room. Rossi’s cries of ‘put ze candle back’ yield no results, but by some f’in miracle the girl misses in her attempt to stab him, instead breaking her wrist on the door and dropping her knife and Rossi is able to un-squish himself from the door.
(Nun)Chuck has backed into the darkness of the shadows, so his attacker retreats. Rossi, thinking that he is safe, bends down to do a Jack Payne style duct taping on the downed girl. The retreating man turns and beheads Rossi, who, is not an immortal, but a mortal with F’s (and he’s not afraid to use ‘em), and instead of separating Rossi’s head from his body, attempts to do some home demolition and electrocutes himself as his sword cuts through the wall and into the electrical lines.
(Nun)Chuck is marveling at Rossi’s f’in luck when he realizes that Greg Murdoch, complete with cast from his recent wrist breaking, has emerged from a bedroom with sword in hand. (Nun)Chuck engages Cast Boy in combat, by getting in too close for Cast Boy to use the sword. Rossi, bolstered by his still-living state and not realizing that if it weren’t for f’in luck, he’d have no luck at all, picks up the girl’s knife and throws it at Cast Boy (I draw your attention to the above mention of (Nun)Chuck’s proximity to Rossi’s target), hits (Nun)Chuck and says ‘sorry dude.’ However, fortune is also smiling on (Nun)Chuck and the knife turns in mid-air and hits Murdoch instead. (Nun)Chuck then beats Murdoch into unconsciousness. (Nun)Chuck decides to behead the crispy critter and take the girl as well as Cast Boy.
(Nun)Chuck waits impatiently while Rossi searches the apartment, finding oodles o’ cash and the girl’s pocketbook (which he takes because it matches his shoes). (Nun)Chuck then tells Rossi that he can’t take the stuff from the apartment. Rossi responds that since (Nun)Chuck is taking an extra body, he can take the cash and pocketbook.
Our heroes, looking more like weight lifters in the wrong weight class than expert kidnappers, struggle to pick up their unconscious victims. They take them out to the car (once again Rossi uses the stairs, while (Nun)Chuck uses the fire escape) and the Hardly Boys (you know, hardly have any F’s left, hardly able to pick their victims up, hardly able to agree on anything …) drive to the until recently abandoned castle.
(Nun)Chuck goes up to the castle and finds Mitchell and Fiona waiting with tea and scones. The tired and f’d out (Nun)Chuck asks them to go retrieve the prisoners.
They go to the dungeon and put the girl in one room and Murdoch in the other. They decide to start questioning Murdoch first. (Nun)Chuck wants to use ancient Chinese secret tortures on Murdoch and Rossi proudly offers the services of the car battery. Mitchell and Fiona ask a few questions, but Murdoch is not terribly helpful, so Mitchell tells (Nun)Chuck to shatter Murdoch’s cast. The shattering does not produce results so they decide to let the Hardly Boys go to work. Rossi nearly separates Murdoch’s thumb from his hand while attaching the battery cables.
The Brits leave the Hardly Boys for a few minutes, and return to find them arguing over ‘oo gets to torture Cast-less Boy. The Brits scoff at their feeble attempts and, with their our-government-has-been-convicted-of-torutre-by-the-International-Court-at-the Hague attitudes, send the Hardly Boys to start working on the girl. Cast-less Boy is still not forthcoming so Fiona shoots his toe off in the hopes that he will then shoot his mouth off. That seems to work. Mitchell continues to question Murdoch, while Fiona goes to check on the Hardly Boys. Once again, they are arguing, so she calls them off. (Nun)Chuck storms out.
Liz, the female prisoner, has given some answers, but Fiona thinks she is holding back and goes to get Mitchell. Fiona shoots one of Liz’s toes off after Liz calls her a nasty name.
The outcome of the questioning in a nutshell: Liz and John (the headless crispy critter) were sent by Dunmore, who was given the orders by Cowan, to kill Murdoch, the dealing of ecstasy at the club is sanctioned on some level by the club, the Crew goes to pick up the drugs and provides them to Murdoch and company to deal to club patrons, and there is a female ‘guest’ at the Quickening, but they don’t know anything else about her.
Fiona and Mitchell, having exhausted their line of questioning, then find (Nun)Chuck and allow him to satisfy his bloodlust by killing the pair and getting rid of the bodies.
Fiona, Mitchell and Rossi return to the safe house.
The whole group assembles around the table once again - well except for Paris, who is still being held captive at the Quickening, (Nun)Chuck, who is out doing ISIS the goddess knows what to Liz and Murdoch, and Jake Jake, who is still in Edinburgh investigating the beheading of the gorgeous Dominos. So the rest of us (Cahill, the cranky commander, Fiona the digit destroyer, MacMitchell, Battery Boy (Rossi), Jack the rumored-to-be-dead disabled permanently pointing International Cabaret Terrorist, the McBobsey twins, Corey the confused and meJ ) sit around the table and discuss what was learned at the interrogation. I am contentedly sipping coffee straight out of the pot when Rossi throws me a beautiful shining American passport - or he would have, had not Cahill’s large mitt gotten in the way. (Mental note: discuss how to secretly pass documents with Rossi) After examining the passport, Cahill hands it to me, but tells Mitchell that I can’t have access to any Q Branch resources.
I hold the sacred document in my sweaty little palms and look at the name: it’s not mine, but that’s a bonus - Sheila is wanted, Liz is not! Anxious to get a passport sized photo, I ask Rossi to take me to town. Unfortunately, Rossi doesn’t have a car. Cahill offers to take me and if I were a suspicious person, I would suspect that Cahill is watching me (wait - I am a suspicious person - add to mental note: figure out how to lose Cahill).
The twins go to the Quickening to collect payment for the - um - beheading in London. They are greeted at the front door and told that they should be using the back door. They offer to use the back door the next time, but the slammed front door proves that they will need to practice this maneuver this time, as well. They go to the back and are momentarily distracted by the sight of the Bass Ale delivery truck. Torn between hijacking the truck and entering the club, they consider how much ale they’ll be able to buy once they collect their payment and head towards Cowan’s office.
Cowan seems less than thrilled with their execution (pardon the pun) and asks sarcastically, ‘what did you use, a kitchen knife?’ ‘Aye,’ they reply. He shakes his head, gives them an envelope and tells them to stick around, there will be more work, once the targets are located.
The twins attempt to leave by a different route, in the hopes of finding a clue as to whether Paris is still here (you know, salad remnants, a stream of ardent admirers, etc.), but only manage to get stuck in between two card read access doors. The security staff watches and laughs for several minutes before coming to rescue the trapped twins.
Meanwhile, Fiona and Mitchell attempt to get an audience with Sir Keene Elliot, but the first available appointment is tomorrow for tea.
With Cahill in tow, I go to town, get a photo, a razor blade and some glue. As I am in my room, attempting to rub the new photo over Liz’s and transfer the imprinted seal, I review my to-do list: have (Nun)Chuck’s psych profile and rabies results reviewed, think of a plan to rescue Paris, the agent, not the city, discuss discreet paper passing with Rossi, finish my get out of Scotland free card (passport), figure out the best means of leaving Scotland (preferably with no stops anywhere else in the U.K.), and ditch Cahill. How hard can all of that stuff be?
Oh yeah, one more mental note: delete all references to Cahill before submitting this report.
AWARDS
The Irish Twins
(Nun)Chuck
Sheila
Paris
Rossi
Jack
Cahill
Fiona & Mitchell
The GM
Well, this report finds us back at the keep (after our eviction from the safe castle) wondering how we are going to stop a diabolical plan to gain Scottish independence through the use of happy pills and get Paris back in the process. Let me explain.
(Nun)Chuck returns to the safe castle with some story about making the deaths of Liz and Murdoch appear to be a Saturday Night Live Samurai lover’s quarrel gone bad.
Cahill leaves to attend to some business in London.
We have been kind of bored in between our endeavors and have entertained ourselves by putting things in the spokes of Jack’s wheelchair and leaving little balloons around so he runs them over and thinks someone is shooting at him. Jack is not terribly happy.
Jake Jake returns a short while later and gives us the facts as he knows them: three people entered Dominos’s hotel room, beheaded him and threw his escort out the window, but two people went to Dean’s London apartment, bitch slapped and shot his friend, shot Dean and cut his head off with a kitchen knife, before showering and cleaning his bathroom, while two people went to Murdoch’s apartment, kidnapped Murdoch and Liz, robbed the place and left a charcoal broiled beheaded body on the floor, and finally, a partially beheaded and obviously tortured Liz was found next to the body of the totally beheaded and obviously tortured Murdoch in an until recently abandoned castle. For some reason, the police are having trouble connecting these crimes to a single set of perpetrators.
Jake Jake also shares the knowledge that a certain chemist, whose name is either Snyder or Synder (that’s cinder with a ‘y’!!) has resurfaced at the local poetry clubs after an absence of several months, during which time he was reportedly burning the midnight oil at Dillion Pharmaceuticals.
While we are enjoying Jake Jake’s dissertation on the trials and travails of the confused criminologists, Mitchell drives Fiona over to speak with the snooty, upper crusty Sir Keane Elliot.
Mitchell waits while Fiona goes for tea. She emerges an hour and a half later with a glowing report.
Mitchell brings her back to the safe castle and she tells us what she learned: Sir Keane Elliot is a charming man, Corey is the mastermind behind a diabolical plot to subvert the British nobility through a drug dealing scheme and the International Permanently Pointing Cabaret Terrorist Jacques is responsible for the untimely demise of Mulroy.
Rossi nods his head as the pieces fall into place for him, I think her story is somewhat credible, but has some mac-holes in it, (Nun)Chuck keeps staring at Fiona (I think he was squinting to get a better look, but I’m not sure), MacMitchell is buying Fiona’s story like a Jehovah’s Witness on Judgment Day, and an indignant unconvinced International Permanently Pointing Cabaret Terrorist Jack is arguing British politics with Fiona.
(Nun)Chuck asks Fiona, the snooty Brits-are-the-rulers-of-the-empire, if she thinks Scotland should have its independence. Her reply of ‘absolutely’ and her offer to allow Rossi to use their car causes MacMitchell to feel her forehead for signs of a fever. (Nun)Chuck points out her dilated pupils. Mitchell has Fiona’s blood drawn and the safe castle staff put her to bed. Rossi tries to follow, but MacMitchell stops him.
The toxicology tests are unable to identify Fiona’s happy drug, but they think it’s some altered form of an ecstasy-like substance that provides for hypnotic suggestibility without the loss of memory that results from ecstasy, the drug, not the mood.
Anyway, our brainstorming sessions have caused Rossi and me to remember that the smuggler, Anderson, is in town, so I take Rossi and (Nun)Chuck and go to see him. MacMitchell calls the twins and tells them to go check out Synder-Snyder.
Anderson is not on his boat, but they tell me that he’s at some fancy club nearby. (Nun)Chuck and I go get new duds and enter the restaurant. Anderson and co. are sitting in the cigar smoking section, so we get a table there. I ask (Nun)Chuck to get me a cigar (if everybody insists on calling me Lewinski …) and he gives me some lip about not being a waiter.
I spot Anderson and wave. Anderson waves back. He sends the restaurant-owned flowers from his table over. I send a round of MacFoster’s (the Scottish version) over to Anderson’s table. Eventually he invites us to go sit with him.
We exchange pleasantries. I try to get him to talk to me privately, but (Nun)Chuck’s mention of business causes Anderson’s dinner partners to vacate the table.
A thoroughly frustrating conversation ensues. Basically, I know that Anderson has arranged to ship the precursor drugs - somewhere, but he won’t give up any other information. We tell him that Flinn seems to be cleaning house and doing away with his cohorts when their usefulness is done. He claims that he will be unreachable when the items reach their destination, so he thinks he is safe. He does share the information that Flinn is a MacFruit Loop who thinks he is gaining power from the beheadings of his enemies.
Meanwhile, Sean and Maureen have caught up with Snyder/Synder at a poetry club. One of the Crew members, Liv, is there keeping an eye on Snyder/Synder’s safety while she plays footsie with Sean. He and Maureen go to get a round of pints and he tells her that Liv wants to go home with him and suggested that Maureen join in, but, aside from the obvious moral incestuous problems, he is afraid that Maureen’s laughter will prevent optimum performance on his part.
Maureen calls Mitchell to ask what they should do. He tells her to make dinner plans with Snyder/Synder for the next day. She walks him home and Sean and Liv leave together.
(Nun)Chuck, Rossi and I arrive back at the safe castle to find out that we’ve been evicted. They do offer to get Jack out of the country, bring back (Up)Chuck and insert us back into the keep. I call Cahill and tell him where we’ll be. Jake Jake will be staying somewhere in Edinburgh.
Mitchell plasters pictures of Mulroy to all of Jack’s casts overnight. Jack’s cries of ‘nurse’ go unheeded.
(Up)Chuck arrives in Scotland the next morning.
Somewhere in Switzerland, Jack waves his Mulroy covered casts around in agitation as he is met by the Russians, who spend the next few hours interrogating him for information on the events in Scotland.
Back at the keep, we are low on fresh foods, but I am keen to put my culinary expertise to the test, so I busy myself in the kitchen whipping up a batch of Sheila’s Scottish Surprise a la canned kippers. As I prepare to poison - I mean feed - my friends, I contemplate our current situation: we have a vague plan to kidnap Flaky Flinn in his helicopter, my dear friend Paris is being held hostage by an immortal wannabe who is going to brainwash the power mongers in Scotland into voting for Scottish independence, Fiona and MacMitchell won’t allow anything bad to happen to Sir Keane Elliot, (Nun)Chuck is having killing withdrawals, Rossi is lamenting the loss of an opportunity to drive the magnificent MI6 car, (Up)Chuck is having trouble trying to conceal his delight at the thought of eating my cooking and I am torn between completing my fake get-out-of-Scotland passport vs. using my existing real but no-so-guaranteed-to-get-out-of-Scotland free passport.
Oh, and did I forget to mention that we receive word that Paris will be at the Quickening that evening? All we have to do is go and get her! How hard can that be?
AWARDS
The Irish Twins
(Nun)Chuck
Sheila
(Up)Chuck
Paris
Rossi
Jack
Fiona & Mitchell
Part 14
We sit around the keep and try to come up with a plan. Here it is: (Up)Chuck goes back to the Quickening (not the Gathering) and tries to get in with the swords people, Maureen goes on her date with the chemist, after which Fiona, Mitchell and Rossi kidnap him, (Nun)Chuck goes to do surveillance on Flinn’s helicopter (and the people who operate it), and I go to the Quickening and leave Fraser clan badges around so they know we were there. I dislike this plan. Not only does it involve me, but it involves me going back to that stupid club, you know - the place where I lost an eardrum (after Alex’s dragon experience) and a good friend (after (Nun)Chuck’s Mulroy experience).
While (Nun)Chuck, Rossi and I enjoy some Sheila’s Scottish Leftovers, (Up)Chuck goes to the Quickening. He tells Dunmore that he was in a car accident and has not heard any local news. Dunmore seems a little suspicious at (Up)Chuck’s impeccable timing, but lets (Up)Chuck prove himself by fighting one of the head sword-chickies. A battle ensues, after which (Up)Chuck has a job. He tries without success to endear himself to the other actors. Several failed attempts at hitting on the women on the staff have left him wishing for the non-discerning tastes of the New York stripper Bambi.
Rossi has gone with Fiona and Mitchell to engage in a kidnapping, and I disguise and costume myself for the trip to the Quickening. Now that I have been reunited with my pocketbook, I can take some of the French aspirin tablets to which my cranial blood vessels have become accustomed.
(Nun)Chuck goes to the Quickening and scales a hillside at the back of the property. Then he falls down and does it again, just to make sure he got it right. He is promptly ordered off the property by two thug-types.
(Nun)Chuck moves a little further down and climbs the hill again. Once again, he is ordered off the property. He waits for a short time and approaches again. This time he successfully manages to get to the top of the hill and finds a spot from which to watch Flaky Flinn’s helicopter.
Maureen and the Synder/Snyder, the chemist, enjoy an uneventful dinner. As they leave the restaurant followed by Sir Gimp-Along (the Crew member assigned to watch Synder/Snyder tonight), Rossi goes into action. The driver-with-no-driver’s-training nails the gas, the van lurches forward before coming to sudden abrupt stop. Unfortunately, as Fiona can attest to, a body in motion stays in motion … Rather than have her brains and other body parts splattered all over the inside of some unsophisticated nondescript van, Fiona appeals to Fortunata Avtomobilis, the goddess of unfortunate drivers, and Rossi instead deftly speeds up the curb, hitting Sir Gimp-Along and coming to rest directly in front of Maureen and Synder/Snyder.
Fiona jumps out and hits Maureen doing minimal damage (leading me to reevaluate my hitting to stop vs. hitting to maim/critically injure/kill skill), while Mitchell grabs the chemist. Sir Gimp-Along pulls a gun and starts shooting at the van. Rossi is able to keep his cool (‘cause he still had his shades on) and drive away.
Sir Gimp-Along makes Maureen drive his car (and him) back to the Quickening.
(Up)Chuck has been watching the activities of the cast in order to learn the ropes. He sees Maureen backstage, but she doesn’t know who he is, so he offers to cut her head off with a bread knife, then tells her that he’s a friend. For some twisted reason, that makes sense to her.
Sean, who is locked in loving embrace with Liv, finds out that Maureen has been injured when Liv gets a phone call telling her to come to the club.
(Up)Chuck is hanging out with the actors when he overhears Dunmore being told that "Paris burns tonight." Turning his look of horror into his best (and he’s certainly got the experience to do it) look of nervous indigestion, he removes a bottle from Pepto Bismol from his armor (that’s right, for the first time ever, (Up)Chuck’s player persona is happy about his nickname, because he doesn’t even have to chance a die roll to see if he’s got a stomach remedy with him!) With the pink potion in hand, he runs for the bathroom and dials my cell phone.
Maureen goes to the bar for a pint and runs right into me. We fight over the available pint, but avoid any other conversation. I am thinking how pleased I am that she has not set herself on fire, when there is a hot sensation on my hip - oh that’s my #*$& cell phone. I pick up the phone and hear someone whispering.
I make my way to the hall by the bathroom so I can hear what he is saying. He thinks that Paris will be killed in the last skit of tonight’s show, the one where they behead the damsel in distress. I call Mitchell and tell him what’s going on. He lies and says he’ll come to the club, but he has no intention of coming over - all this after I lent him my best untrained driver to help him kidnap the chemist!
Rossi asks if he can take the car and go to the Quickening. They say yes, and an ecstatic Rossi runs outside only to learn that the really cool Jaguar is not here. Dejectedly, Rossi gets into the plain nondescript van and heads toward the Quickening.
I find the McBobseys and tell them what (Up)Chuck told me. I also ask them for a gun on account of the fact that the Ice Queen, the Russian assassin, is here. Sean gives me one (it turns out to be the gun he stole from the bobby at the hospital, but I’ll thank him later for that).
Maureen and Sean go down to the conference room and are basically ‘invited’ to join the Crew. The Crew want them to choose nicknames, but decide that the twins’ suggestion of Bitch and Bob doesn’t work, so they call them Hack and Splash. They are told that the club is expecting trouble at 2:00. They are supposed to tag people who look out of place and report it to Timmy/Tommy/Trap.
The first person they identify as out of place is the Ice Queen.
Then the McBobseys get the bright idea of calling in an IRA bomb threat. However, much to their dismay, it does not result in the full scale security operation they had hoped for. They are told by Timmy/Tommy/Trap to sit and wait while the police surreptitiously move through the club.
I decide it’s time to vacate the premises. Thanks to Jack, I am wanted as a terrorist, and of course, I am carrying the stolen-from-a-cop gun that Sean gave me, so I head toward the door.
As I am trying to exit, some obnoxious I-took-graduate-level-spy-speak-and-won’t-lower-myself-to-your-level idiot calls me by name. We go over to the side and he gives me his card. It identifies him as Snotty-Ass Dellinger, DEA agent. He makes a remark about how he thought I would handle these situations better. Well, let’s see: I have been stuck in the European equivalent of a third world nation for the past month; Elaine McConnell’s shrieking still echoes in my ears causing me to have homicidal thoughts; our team was nearly killed by a team of SPOATS; my friend Jack was captured and tortured; Paris, the agent, not the city, has also been kidnapped and will likely die tonight; Alex and (Up)Chuck were shot and injured; my cell phone is torturing me on a daily basis; I am here with a team that includes people who spray pepper spray in their own mouths, cut people’s heads off with a butter knife, and kill anybody whose name is mentioned; and there is a wrinkle in the universal consciousness because Paris, the agent, not the city, has not had a lovely anything in days. And Snotty Ass Dellinger wants to know why I am not calmer.
He gives me a cigarette pack video camera and a radio lighter and tells me that if I can get a video image of the location where Paris is, they’ll be able to do something. Sure, no problem. I head off to look for (Up)Chuck, while going over the departing train and plane schedules that I have committed to memory.
TRAINING RECOMMENDATIONS
The Irish Twins
(Nun)Chuck
Sheila
Paris
Rossi