So, where are we? Oh yeah, I am attempting to locate Cracker Jack team member, (Up)Chuck, after a thoroughly frustrating conversation with Snotty Ass Dellinger, Rossi is on his way to the club, Sean and Maureen are sitting around waiting for the cops to leave and Paris is having a lovely tranquilizer-induced sleep.
I could save you the boring details by simply telling you that the McBobseys shot four security men, (Up)Chuck disrupted the Internet service of thousands of surfers, Rossi, (Up)Chuck, (Nun)Chuck, Mitchell and Paris killed oodles o’ Crew members, Maureen shot Sean, Sean shot Rossi, who also go shot by (Up)Chuck, Mitchell bombed the Quickening, which is in danger of burning down, falling over and sinking into the swamp (quick somebody put a swamp next to the castle), Paris was rescued and I had the ale of my life.
However, for those of you who insist on hearing the gory details, here goes:
Eventually, (Up)Chuck makes an appearance in the main club area. I go over and surreptitiously try to give him the cigarette pack video camera. He keeps telling me that he doesn’t smoke. I tell him it doesn’t matter, he should take the *#%@& pack anyway. Finally, he does. Using his ever-present excuse of abdominal distress, he goes to the little knight’s room and tries to find a place to put the cigarette pack video camera, giving the poor I-came-to-Scotland-and-all-I-got-to-do-was-watch-this-stupid-video-camera guys an interesting show.
Back in the club, I spot Rossi coming in through the front door. How did I spot him so easily? Because simply removing your sunglasses and wearing a different jacket does not constitute a disguise. I send Snotty Ass (mental note: remember to call him Tom to his face) over to express my displeasure at his lack of costume with the message that if he screws up, I am going to tie him to a chair and feed him Sheila’s Scottish Surprise - the leftovers - over a Rossi-blood pudding base. Rossi’s taste buds cringe in horror and he goes off to find the bassist from the Kurgans.
Sean and Maureen, having tried the subtle IRA bomb threat routine without success, decide to go to the security office and take out the guards. At least Maureen thought that was the plan. She breaks Sean’s radio and they go into the office. While one of the men is repairing Sean’s radio, she shoots the other guy. Of course, the first two shots miss and Sean wasn’t ready to shoot. The other guard starts shooting under the console. She shoos the spirit of Jack away and shoots again, hitting the first guy in the chest. Sean runs around and shoots the crouched guard. The spirit of Jack is still hanging around though and Sean misses. The guard shoots him in the leg. Maureen comes around and kills him (the guard, not Sean).
As they bask in the glory of the taking over of the security office (thanking their lucky stars that by some f’in miracle the poisonous gas didn’t go off), they realize that the panic button has been depressed, the phones are dead and they are locked in. A voice on the loudspeaker tells them that the police have been called (yeah right) and they should sit tight. They shoot the electronic box that is controlling the door and it opens.
Back in the club, Rossi’s musician friend has noticed the flashing yellow lights and drags him with her to a back room. He manages to leave the panicked group and make his way into the hall.
(Up)Chuck has been checking the rooms of the basement levels for signs of Paris, the agent, not the city. He stops for a brief workout in the gym, then makes his way to a control booth. He mouths ‘fire’ to the techs in the booth. They mouth back ‘the lights are yellow.’ He mouths ‘I’ll be back’ and proceeds to the gym.
(Up)Chuck returns to the booth with a small note and a big dumbbell (well two, if you count him). He gets the guys to buzz him into the outer booth and holds his note up to the door. When the unsuspecting techs get near the door, (Up)Chuck hurls a dumbbell (the weight, not himself) through the window. The glass shatters, but does not fall. He then hurls another dumbbell (himself, not the weight) through the window. Yelling ‘I meant to do that,’ he takes several bruising points from the monitor they’ve thrown at him, and grabs the nearest tech by the throat killing the man. With a Paris-like ‘this is broken,’ he flings the dead tech into the wall. After the realization that the techs are simply running the Internet servers for the Jaguar Club, he gently (a la Sheila) hits the remaining guy, causing him to be mostly dead. He calls me on my non-secure still-malfunctioning targeted-for-destruction cell phone to tell me that the fit is about to hit the shan.
I find Snotty Ass Dellinger to tell him. He makes a call on his user-friendly cell phone and tells me that (Up)Chuck is in the control room beating up civilians. Duh, I told him.
Back in the basement, the twins have emerged from the security office, only to be greeted by two Crew members with big guns. Maureen shoots and misses. They shoot back, but one of the guys gets distracted by some f’in person who came out of the restroom, shoots the annoying flashing yellow light and gets momentarily stopped by the shower of glass. Sean runs down the hall to get a closer shot and Maureen, figuring she had to really blow her roll - I mean shot - to mistakenly hit Sean, continues to shoot. So Sean drops to the ground as he is shot in the leg. Luckily, he only takes half the f’in damage and continues down the hall. After Sean kills the two bad guys, they run toward the stairs, but are distracted by a figure down the hall holding something that loosely resembles a wallet in his hand. Having heard of the dangers presented by a man holding a wallet in dim lighting, they shoot. Rossi breathes a sigh of relief that the gun Maureen retrieved from one of the bad guys is jammed, but yells ‘Duuuuuude’ as Sean’s shot hits him in the head.
The twins let Rossi go on his way back down the hall and head toward the stairs. As they are about to enter the spiral staircase, there is an explosion and it starts to crumble. Sean is having West Belfast flashbacks and runs the other way yelling that they have to get out of there.
Up in the club, I see (Nun)Chuck enter. I make my way toward him, and he heads toward me. As we are talking, he mentions that he feels some odd vibration, but I tell him he must be mistaken because my non-secure still-malfunctioning targeted for destruction cell phone has not gone off. However, after a few minutes, I also feel the vibration. He starts babbling something about there’s trouble and we have to go to the basement. Let’s see, I can run headlong into the basement of a collapsing building that is filled with bad guys, or as the fire alarm is now activated, I can vacate the premises with the rest of the screaming crowd. Using my I-am-an-operative-so-I-don’t-have-to-go-face-the-peril status, I choose the second and saner option. (Nun)Chuck goes on alone.
Sean and Maureen make their way to a different staircase, which has also been subject to an explosion. However, they are able to make it to the first floor and leave the building.
Rossi continues down the hallway, joining (Up)Chuck. The two are surprised when Dunmore, Paris and another bad guy emerge from the stairs. A third bad guy is in the elevator with a sword and a fourth bad guy is in another doorway with a gun. (Up)Chuck tries to bluff by telling them that Flinn sent him to deal with any trouble. They don’t buy it. A great battle ensues.
Elevator Man attempts to separate (Up)Chuck from his trusty machine gun with his sword and then lunges at (Up)Chuck, who deftly steps aside causing Elevator Man to embed himself in the unyielding basement wall. (Up)Chuck goes into the elevator to avoid the rounds being fired at him from Doorman. He turns and shoots Doorman, hitting Rossi in the process. Rossi and (Up)Chuck shoot and kill Doorman. Dunmore also tries to separate (Up)Chuck from his trusty machine gun, causing (Up)Chuck to shoot his (Dunmore’s) sword in half. Dunmore is successful in separating (Up)Chuck from the machine gun and, adding insult to injury, hits (Up)Chuck in the face with his half-sword and dents his armor, so (Up)Chuck pulls out his handgun and shoots him. He leaves a blinded Dunmore on the floor.
Paris engages the man next to her in possession combat for the gun, but eventually tires of the whole I’ve got the gun, no, he’s got the gun thing, and besides she may broken a fingernail, so she lets the guy have the gun and pummels him into unconsciousness instead.
As the trio is leaving, the gentle and sedate Paris finishes off Dunmore with a single shot. (Nun)Chuck makes his way down and joins the group. Lucky for him, this group is better at recognizing team members than the McBobseys, and he doesn’t get shot.
They run to the stairs only to find Ack and Pain silhouetted at the top, pulling two very large unbroken guns. Paris, who has become very offensive during her captivity, shoots first, hitting A&P in the right arm and the left hand, while saying ‘I meant to do that.’ (Nun)Chuck throws a sword, which plants itself in A&P’s chest, but does not stop him. (Up)Chuck and Rossi then shoot, with Rossi rolling the mother of all damage rolls, the dreaded 000, killing A&P so quickly that he doesn’t even have time to yell ‘ack.’
They emerge victoriously from the castle only to be confronted by five Crew members, two on the right and three on the left (they really have to learn to roll better/worse on the whole encounter thing). While Rossi and Paris shoot right (although Paris finds that one of her guns is ‘broken’) and (Nun)Chuck rolls right, (Up)Chuck is astonished that his targets have vaporized amid heavy fire from the helicopter flying overhead. (Mitchell is relieved that this helicopter is not subject to the stress crack problem that is afflicting some of the others in the fleet, thanks to some triple dog dare.)
The Crew members on the right soon meet with a similar fate.
(Up)Chuck, (Nun)Chuck, Rossi and Paris begin running to the parking lot. The helicopter makes a really messy landing in front of them and the team realizes who it is. They all manage to jump into the helicopter, with the exception of (Nun)Chuck, (he should have back flipped in) who has to be pulled in.
Maureen and Sean have stopped a car to ask for a ride. Thanks to exceptional rolling, it is Corey. They jump in, but he refuses to leave, saying there may be more team members coming. Oh, that would be me. You see after Rossi called me on my non-secure still-malfunctioning targeted-for-destruction cell phone to tell me that Elvis had left the building, I got really distracted by the sight of an unattended tap. I mean everybody is screaming and running out of the bar, including the bar tenders, so I go over and pour myself the best draught I’ve ever had. Hey, I’m pretty good at this! (Mental note, have tap installed in apartment.) Eventually deciding that I may look out of place drinking an ale amid a burning, crumbling building filled with firefighters, I leave the club.
I get into Corey’s car and instruct him to head to a bar. As I am basking in the delight of a perfectly poured delicious draught, my non-secure still-malfunctioning targeted-for-destruction cell phone shatters the peace of the night and I answer it, being careful not to spill my beer. It is Cahill telling me that he has retrieved all of the principals. I tell him to meet us at a bar (there was an argument over which one, but I won’t bore you with those details), so we can give Paris a lovely rescue party, thus restoring the universe to a balanced state.
Through my cell phone tortured haze, I think I hear the newly unemployed twins asking to work for me. After I stop laughing, I’ll consider it.
AWARDS
The Irish Twins
(Nun)Chuck
Sheila
(Up)Chuck
Paris
Rossi
Jack
Mitchell
Fiona
TRAINING RECOMMENDATIONS
The Irish Twins
(Nun)Chuck
Sheila
Paris
Rossi
(Up)Chuck
The GM
Well, we have our little Paris-is-Free celebration (that’s Paris, the agent, not the city - which has enough holidays) and I hand (Nun)Chuck his killing orders, oh wait, my word processor might be tapped, I hand (Nun)Chuck his sushi orders (that’s a euphemism for terminating with extreme prejudice, which is, of course, also a euphemism). You see, Paris and I have decided that getting McClear and Anderson out of the way may cause the shipment to not be - you know - shipped.
(Nun)Chuck, salivating at the chance to kill, I mean prepare sushi again, eagerly begins planning. He asks if the McBobseys can wait in the area, just in case there’s trouble. Sure, why not?
So the McBobseys drive (Nun)Chuck down to the pier around midnight. (Nun)Chuck stealthily watches from behind some small shrubs.
(Nun)Chuck sees four men on the boat, so he waits. Eventually he calls me to tell me he hasn’t seen McClear and Anderson. I tell him to board the boat and check their quarters, because they’re old and are probably sleeping. Meanwhile back in the car, the twins’ parked car has attracted the attention of a local bobby, who stops next to them and shouts over their argument to ask for Sean’s license. He tells them to move on and leaves. The McBobseys then engage in some vehicle relocation.
(Nun)Chuck has boarded the boat and is attempting to open the lock on the doors. Since there is no paper clip or crab mallet in the vicinity, he has to depend on his trusty shuriken, but it fails him. After ten minutes of Vietnamese cursing, he takes out a knife and successfully opens the door.
(Nun)Chuck creeps through the boat, making his way to Anderson’s suite. He quietly enters and cuts Anderson’s throat in one well executed motion. (Nun)Chuck is now staring dumbfounded at the body on the bed. (You see, success can come to those who don’t use Fame and Fortune, if they roll well enough.)
Wrapping himself in his newfound confidence, (Nun)Chuck makes his way to McClear’s quarters. Thinking how easy this is, he enters and beheads McClear with one stroke. However, perhaps jealous of all the attention generated by the twins’ London massacre (or maybe he just missed), he then cuts across McClear’s face causing the head to roll and spew (blood) all about the place.
Not surprisingly, the noise from the bedroom has attracted some attention from the boat’s crew. Realizing that someone was approaching, (Nun)Chuck toyed with the idea of pretending he was an Oriental ornamental door, but thought better of it, instead hiding next to the doorway. A shotgun barrel pokes into the room and has a look around. (Nun)Chuck pulls the barrel (and the guy holding it) into the room and cuts him with a sword. At this point, another boat crew member is heading in (Nun)Chuck’s direction. What followed could have been a bloody battle that involved a shotgun blast that would disturb the quiet night, but instead by some f’in miracle, Boat Man 2 mistakes the lithe and rather small (Nun)Chuck for his hulking and rather large fellow crew member and follows (Nun)Chuck up to the deck at full speed and, unable to skid to a stop, falls into the water. (Nun)Chuck runs off the boat.
The McBobseys, having poured, licked and sucked every last drop out of their flask, are sitting soberly watching the boat. Upon seeing the fleeing (Nun)Chuck, they head toward the pier. As they start moving, they realize that the nosy bobby from earlier is also heading that way.
(Nun)Chuck throws a knife at the police car, doing minimal damage. The twins accelerate toward the car in the hopes of testing its (the police car’s, not their van’s) amphibious abilities. Unfortunately, they do not make enough contact to do a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and their van comes to a halt. Although the van is seriously wounded, it is able to flee the scene (slowly). (Nun)Chuck escapes into the night.
Eventually, the twins ditch the van and make their way home to their rented room over McGinnty’s.
(Nun)Chuck calls me at three am to ask for a ride. What do I look like, a taxi cab? I mean shit, he’s the one who’s yellow. (I humbly apologize for the political incorrectness of the preceding remark. My therapist told me I have to do that - it’s like Sheila’s personal two step plan , 1 - don’t insult people, 2 - if you must insult, at least apologize, but I’m not sure it’s a good plan, because my therapist is an idiot.) Anyway, I make him ((Nun)Chuck, not my therapist) wait for a little while before I go to get him.
Fiona and Mitchell, after spending a day questioning Synder/Snyder, have been called in to talk to some Internal Affairs investigators.
Sean and Maureen are happily slumbering, each dreaming of a full flask and a warm pint, when the police knock their door down and arrest them. It all happened so fast that they didn’t even have time to argue about whose fault it was that they got caught. As they are led away, they see Cowan Collin watching from a car.
In the morning, as I am busily preparing Sheila’s Scottish Eggs and Spam, I borrow (Up)Chuck’s phone and call Cahill to confess - I mean - inform him about our activities. He tells me to call him from a land line in two hours. Then a news report comes on about the deaths of McClear and Anderson and the arrest of the McBobsey Twins. As I would say when I was at home in France, ‘le oops!’
(Up)Chuck and I go to a local pub to call Cahill. He gives me some bad news and it is becoming fairly obvious that the sushi-ing of McClear and Anderson may have been, umm, not such a good idea. I have a newly developed desire to injure phones and beat the receiver with every new piece of bad news, causing the concerned bar tender to buy me a beer.
We return to the keep to find that Rossi and Paris have eaten everything in sight, except Sheila’s Scottish Eggs and Spam. You’d think they hadn’t had a decent meal in weeks!
As I glare, they wipe the remains of their … snack … off of their lips, and I share my news with them: Jack is being held prisoner by the Russians in Switzerland who want to exchange him for the person responsible for the deaths of the smugglers McClear and Anderson. And by the way, two assassins, one Russian (the Ice Queen) and one American (Deputy Rabid Dawg Dana), have been dispatched to dispatch the dispatcher. (I love English words with multiple meanings!)
The next thing I know, everybody is yelling at me. F*#*%*g ingrates! After all I’ve done for them. I tell them I’m tired of taking the blame for everything: ‘the food sucks’ - it’s Sheila’s fault, ‘the SPOATS attack’ - it’s Sheila’s phone’s fault, ‘you told me to kill someone I shouldn’t have’ - it’s Sheila’s fault. Where are my aspirin???
Rossi gives me my aspirin, a beer chaser and an unsolicited shoulder rub.
New plan: (Up)Chuck will go to Mark Conrad’s (one of the Swordsmen from the Quickening) apartment and get a tape of him confessing to the murders of McClear and Anderson on the orders of Cowan Collin.
Paris, the agent, not the city, and I go to the airport to stare longingly at the departing flights. (This has become my favorite pastime), where she laments her lack of a passport. I am completely empathetic to her plight, so I tell her it’s okay, I have two!
Rossi drives (Up)Chuck and (Nun)Chuck to Sword Boy’s apartment. (Nun)Chuck goes up the fire escape (of course), while (Up)Chuck goes to the front door. (Up)Chuck gets in and starts talking to Sword Boy and one of the chickies from the Quickening about what happened and what the future holds. He then excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Making the most of his ever-present abdominal distress, he uses the facilities and then opens the window.
(Nun)Chuck enters the bathroom, despite his olfactory distress and hides in the shower.
Sword Boy hears a noise in the bathroom and goes to check it out. (Up)Chuck hits Sword Chickie over the head with his gun (a la Sean), causing her to say ‘ow.’ He hits her harder (a la Sheila) and she falls unconscious to the floor. Sword Boy has done a cursory search of the bathroom and failed to locate (Nun)Chuck. However, as he turns to leave, he is scared into unconsciousness at the sight of (Up)Chuck standing in the doorway holding a gun (or maybe he was simply overcome by the fumes).
Anyway, (Nun)Chuck uses his ancient Vietnamese-with a Japanese name-learned from hanging out in Chinatown secrets to hypnotize Sword Boy into confessing to the murders of McClear and Anderson (and believing that he’d done it) and forgetting (hopefully) that he and (Up)Chuck were here. They videotape the confession and leave, (Up)Chuck by the front door and (Nun)Chuck via the fire escape.
When (Up)Chuck and (Nun)Chuck return with the videotape, I call Snotty Ass Dellinger and arrange to meet him at the nice pub where the bar tender buys me pints. Paris, the agent, not the city, is desperate to go out and enjoy her freedom, so she comes with me.
Snotty Ass is sitting with John, the man with no last name who seems to keep showing up in various places that we show up in. Paris and I each get a beer and join the guys. I give him the videotape and John goes to his car to get a camcorder so he can view it. Imagine our surprise when Snotty Ass shows us a surveillance tape from Sword Boy’s apartment building that has a nice picture of (Up)Chuck leaving, as he (Snotty Ass, not (Up)Chuck) is regaling us with the story of how both (Up)Chuck and Sword Boy were seen leaving the apartment where Sword Chickie was found hacked to little bits. He also shows us a really good shot of he discombobulated (Up)Chuck attempting to secure a cigarette pack video camera in his armor the other night - taken from said camera. I add kill (Up)Chuck to my to-do list and excuse myself to make a phone call.
I ask (Up)Chuck if he minds if I give Snotty Ass his name, so they can use him as a C.I., thus legitimizing the tape for court use. He gives me some long winded line about doing it for the good of man-kind and won’t let me interrupt with the other important facts and then says I can give them his name. Being careful not to have any further misunderstandings, I verify this with him: ‘so you’re okay with me giving them your name, even though Sword Chickie was found hacked to death?’ He seems a little surprised, but still says yes and then hangs up.
Snotty Ass tells me to call him to arrange a time for him to interview (Up)Chuck.
Paris and I return to the keep only to find (Nun)Chuck and (Up)Chuck bickering and arguing over ‘oo hacked ‘oo to pieces. I interrupt the argument to arrange for (Up)Chuck to meet Snotty Ass tomorrow morning.
The next morning we drop (Up)Chuck off near his destination (since it turns out to be a Scotland Yard office, we will not be accompanying him). Paris, Rossi and I go for breakfast and, while I know I am an extraordinarily good cook, this food was pretty darn good. Paris and Rossi must have been really hungry, because they were eating like they hadn’t eaten in days. Since I am concerned about the health of my team I make a mental note: look up possible parasitic infections that have increased appetite as a symptom.
Eventually (Up)Chuck returns and I call Cahill to tell him what we’ve done.
Late that evening, Cahill calls to tell me to expect company tomorrow and prepare a decent meal. No problem!
The next morning, Paris and I go to purchase the makings of a feast, stopping at my favorite pub for a pint (of coffee). There are a whole bunch of dudes with satchels, army boots and short haircuts there. I didn’t realize that this was a SPOATS hangout.
We return to the keep and begin preparing the food. Soon, our company begins to arrive. First Snotty Ass, John, Inspector Gwynn and Pool Boy (the guy that (Up)Chuck followed out of a club when we first arrived who also happens to work with Snotty Ass and John) come in. Then Fiona and Mitchell arrive, followed by Cahill and Ben Black.
Now I’m mad: not only have the lot of them come in through the front gate (we have been coming and going via the Corey tank-made road at the back of the keep, which takes a bit of time), but Cahill brought his own lunch.
Apparently, this think tank has a plan. Paris will be re-introduced to the Quickening staff as a smuggler who has now eliminated all of her competition thus forcing them to use her services for their shipment. (Nun)Chuck will be a Yakuzza enforcer who will admit that he did in McClear and Anderson to help clear the way for Paris, and (Up)Chuck will be her bodyguard. The rest of the gang will help ensure Paris’s safety.
Meanwhile, in the Russian consulate in Switzerland, Jack, the International Cabaret Terrorist, is lamenting the fact that the Russians have confiscated his duct tape as he attempts to construct an electric prod out of bed springs. He waits until one of the guards sticks his head through the opening in the door and slips his home-made garrote around the Russky’s neck and threatens him with electrocution if he doesn’t open the door. This turns out to be a bad plan as the Russians will simply kill the hapless guard (and most likely Jack) rather than open the door. Jack sheepishly lets the guy go and holds out two more fingers so he can become the permanently displaying the peace sign International Cabaret Terrorist.
Does anybody have a problem with this plan? Well, yeah - Paris, having just escaped the Quickening is less than pleased at having to return there, (Nun)Chuck is concerned about admitting to being the smuggler snuffer that the Ice Queen and Deputy Dana are looking to kill, Rossi is concerned that they won’t give him a cool enough car to drive, and Mitchell is hoping that he won’t get one of the triple dog dare stress cracked helicopters. (I kind of like this plan, because they have to keep me out of it, since I am connected to ISIS, the agency, not the goddess.)
I’ll end with a quick inventory. We have several Snotty Asses (Snotty Ass, Special Agent, whatever), a person who is named for a city and is posing as an International smuggler in order to pull off a ruse designed to save an International Terrorist from being tortured to death by the Russians; a smuggler snuffer who will only pretend to do what he really did, so that he can deny it when the assassins hit town; a protector person who got someone else to confess to something that he didn’t do and will even testify to it; two Irish assassins who are in a British prison - this time for something they actually did not do; two MI6 agents who are eager to put an end to this haywire mission and avoid the 00 scene which is sure to follow should we fail; a brown bagging operative; a hacked to pieces Sword Chickie; a video taped confession; and a shitload of Shelia’s Scottish Surprise.
With that list I ask you, what could possibly go wrong?
Part 17It’s time to put this new plan into action, so Paris writes a note to entice the Quickening people to use her services and sends it off to Electa Carey, the supervisor of the clandestine lab. We get the MI6 crew to return Paris’s newly acquired Scottish treasures: her Tartan Toothbrush and Bonnie Prince Charlie Hair Dryer (as well as her passport and luggage).
While we are awaiting a response, we put together a plan. Yes, that’s right, we are actually planning in advance. With all of these people at our disposal (a poor choice of words for this team, don’t you think?), we can provide a lot of coverage for Paris.
Rossi’s dreams come true as he is given a Rolls Royce to drive the Paris, International Smuggler, to the meeting.
We have selected the Nave at Holy Rood for the meeting. The whole team is given transmitters and receivers, as well as walkie-talkies. Inspector Gwynn Godwin, or Gwodwin as I like to call him, will arrange for more security coverage on the grounds. Since there are no fire escapes for (Nun)Chuck to climb, he will settle for hiding in the shadows. Dudes Rossi and John Keene will wait in Paris’s Rolls Royce and exchange sunglass war stories. John Eagen, Snotty Ass Dellinger and Jake Jake will pretend to be tourists in the area. Fiona and Mitchell, after Fiona wins the argument about who drives - mostly due to Mitchell’s eight hour coffee break, will wait in a chase car outside the grounds. Ben Black and I will be in the surveillance van.
Electa soon calls and asks to meet with Paris. Paris arranges the meet for tomorrow morning at Holy Rood.
(Nun)Chuck goes in early and calls me to tell me that there is no extra security, so I call Gwodwin, who informs me that he is giving them their orders at that time. I tell (Nun)Chuck to chill out.
Electa arrives with her security man, Kirk Bryant. Kirk and (Up)Chuck exchange firm handshakes and maintain contact for so long that some became concerned that (Up)Chuck had just hand-fasted himself to Kirk.
Those of us outside the grounds see Deputy Droopy Dawg enter. I resist the urge to have Rossi run him down, knowing that somehow he’ll survive - he always does.
Electa seems a little guarded at first, but Paris’s new I-can-be-a-bitch-after-sitting-in-a-cage-for-many-days attitude soon puts Electa in her place. Paris gets the dimensions and destination for the shipment and leaves.
Fiona and Mitchell follow Electa to the Quickening, but since they’ve ‘been there, done that,’ they return to the keep to meet up with the rest of the team. After hearing Paris describe her dilemma: she has lots o’ stuff to ship, but no shipping company, Cahill makes a call to his old friend Martin Barbour. It turns out that Barbour Shipping has a ship in the area that will be able to accommodate their load.
Since the team is free that evening, and Paris has a newfound desire to not spend an extended period of time in any castles or keeps, we decide to go out for some stress alleviation.
Rossi, Paris, (Up)Chuck, (Nun)Chuck, Corey, Jake Jake, John Keene, Ben Black, and I pile into the Rolls like clowns at a circus and go to my favorite the-bartender-buys-me-beer pub, Ye Olde Wolf Meadhall. (Up)Chuck, whose stomach condition precludes the ingestion of any alcohol, and (Nun)Chuck, whose Vietnamese name turns out to be Nun Fun, refuse to join the group in its stress alleviation. Paris and I manage to get good and sauced and everybody has a good time, except for Jake Jake who passes out cold on the floor (and I was nowhere near him with a beer bottle).
However, all good things must come to an end and eventually we drag Jake Jake’s sorry ass out to the Rolls and pile in again. Suddenly, Jake Jake has a moment of conscious clarity and vomits all over the car, setting off a chain reaction involving a puking Paris (who at least managed to stick her head out of the window before erupting) and a spewing Sheila (who did not) - hey, I kind of like referring to myself in the third person.
The next morning, (Nun)Chuck gives Paris a hangover remedy that is even more tasteless than Sheila’s Scottish Surprise, and she gets sick again, while yelling that it tasted like mulch (which, as it turns out, is the primary ingredient). I make Jake Jake one of my hangover remedies, and he passes out again. (I may change my name to the kitchen killer.)
From the kitchen, we hear the sounds of Ben Black preparing his hangover remedy, and Paris and I eagerly take the proffered drink. A refusal to share any of his stomach remedies and some rather obnoxious remarks from (Up)Chuck have caused Paris and me to hit him with some rather soiled-by-vomit materials.
Eventually, I am able to rouse Jake Jake enough to have him help with the cleaning of the car, although at first he does more damage than good. Rossi’s supervision is unwelcome and I kick him in the ass. Unfortunately, the second shot misses and I am now lying on the driveway thinking it’s really not a bad place for a nap.
(Up)Chuck returns from his run smelling like sweaty vomit and starts babbling about having pictures of the puking incident. That’s okay, I have obtained some eight by ten glossies of his endoscopy from the Parisian hospital where he received his outstanding medical treatment. I call them modern Art (as in Arthur - and you didn’t think I knew his real name).
Back inside, Electa calls Paris to arrange for another meeting, this time at Edinburgh Castle.
Corey reveals to (Nun)Chuck that he found out from Wolfie, the bartender, that there are some ‘family members’ here looking for him, so heads off to his favorite Chinese laundry shop. The proprietor gives him the name of the hotel that the ‘family’ is staying at. (Nun)Chuck surreptitiously enters the hotel and does such a good job that, not only do the only-Japanese-gangsters-around-for-miles fail to spot him, but he doesn’t spot them, either. (Nun)Chuck calls the room, gets invited up and is nearly blown over by the rush of wind from the folding newspapers as the startled Japanese gangsters jump up to follow.
It turns out that a certain Yakuza family has sent Nun Pleased to tell (Nun)Chuck to stop using their name to validate his activities. He apologizes. However, Nun Pleased explains that the family is also unhappy that their primary arms dealer has been offed. (Nun)Chuck denies everything. He does a pretty good job at convincing them that Mark Conrad is responsible for the smuggler snuffing, by telling them that there is a videotaped confession, wisely omitting the part about how he filmed it.
Meanwhile, we set up the same way as we did for the previous meeting, except that this time Corey is with Paris and (Up)Chuck, and instead of Deputy Dana wandering the grounds, it’s the Ice Queen.
(Up)Chuck asks for a radio check and I am none too pleased to hear Dellinger and Jake Jake report in as Snotty Ass and his gay partner. Who told Snot … I mean Tom about his nickname? Apparently Jake Jake blames me for his lack of ability to hold his liquor. (Just add it to the list of things Sheila gets blamed for.)
Paris finds Electa who leads the way to a closed exhibit. The guard lets Electa and Paris in, but stops the body brigade - Kirk, Corey and (Up)Chuck, from entering. (Up)Chuck pitches a fit saying that Paris cannot go without him. Paris agrees and goes to leave. Electa goes into another room and returns with the approval for (Up)Chuck and Corey to accompany Paris.
They all go in to meet with Flaky Flinn. It turns out that The MacFruitLoop is loonier than we thought and it’s all a completely unhinged (Up)Chuck can do not to shoot him on the spot. Flaky Flinn wants Paris to accompany the shipment all the way to its destination, so Paris ups the price.
They leave the meeting and (Up)Chuck readjusts his spine. We return to the keep to discuss our next move. (Nun)Chuck returns with the information that the Yakuza is here and they are upset at him for using their name. As soon as he tells us which branch it is, I break the news to him that Deputy Dana is connected to this family. He wants to know how so I tell him that Deputy Dana’s second cousin’s baby-sitter’s mother-in-law’s dog groomer once lived in Japan, but that has nothing to do with this. Actually, Deputy Dana was once a house mate of Luke Deveraux’s sweetheart, Maggie Malone, and he now works for them.
(Nun)Chuck wants me to call Luke and have him call off Deputy Rabid Dawg, but I tell him that’s not possible, it’s kind of like sending the Terminator after all the Sarah Connors in the phone book. He won’t stop until the job is done.
So here we sit: an International smuggler who is trying to figure out how not to get caught with the shipment that will surely be seized as soon as it reaches the U.S., an assassin who’s trying not to be the assassinee, a protector person whose spine shifts every time he sees Flaky Flinn, a Fed with a headache that won’t quit, a driver that thinks wearing sunglasses, driving a borrowed Rolls and making fun of my cooking makes him cool, and me (and let’s face it, as long as I have two passports and can sit in the van with Ben, I am okay with this plan).