The Scottish Campaign

I go to my location and find two and a half young men (two drunk, one passed out) sitting in the living room. They reveal that the girls were there last Saturday, went to a club and never returned. In exchange for several pints (I would have offered martikis, but remembering its effect on the young and impressionable Rossi, I decide to stick with beer) and some cash, they give me the three backpacks that the girls left behind.

I go to meet up with Rossi-Dude and Paris. Rossi-Dude is going to go break into Roger’s apartment and Paris and I decide to go to the club that the girls went to last weekend. Paris and I check the backpacks, find nothing of value or any use in them, and decide that is most likely Debra Holden’s bag that is missing.

Rossi-Dude, thinking himself pretty slick, adds nine to the building number and asks a cab to take him there. Having no more luck than he did when looking for slip 9 at the Fisherman’s Wharf, and realizing that he is hopelessly lost, he breaks through his wall of testosterone and asks for directions.

Eventually, he makes it to the right building. Using his newly acquired lock pick set he goes to work on the front door, but soon finds that he is better with a paper clip and shuriken. After several agonizing minutes, he manages to unlock the door. Once inside, he picks lock on the inside door, as well as the apartment locks.

Inside the apartment, he finds that Roger has written down all of the girls’ names along with some observations. Rossi-Dude then checks Roger’s email and finds a message from Elaine that came from the account of one Greg Murdoch. He searches the rest of the apartment, but Roger’s taste in toiletries is nowhere near as good as AJ’s, and there is an appalling lack of crab mallets, so he doesn’t take anything. Rossi-Dude then, in an attempt to put everything back the way he found it, redecorates Roger’s apartment.

Smiling at a job well done, Rossi leaves the apartment, uses his lock pick set to re-lock the dead bolt and hears a snapping sound. He looks at the lock pick set and realizes that, in the words of the immortal Paris, the agent, not the city, it is broken. So much for returning it in good working order, but at least I didn’t get it for him!

Meanwhile, Paris and I have little luck at the first few clubs we visit. We keep trying new clubs, until finally Paris notes a group of philosophical types deeply engrossed in conversation. She asks one of them where we can find Roger, and after getting over the shock that a woman is actually willingly seeking out Roger, they give us the name of a tavern. We go there and see four more philosophical types (so identified by their brooding faces, frown lines and unkempt appearances) sitting at a table. Two of the twerps get up, so we go over and sit down.

As luck would have it, one of the sitting men is Roger. Roger’s friend, Thomas, tells us that Roger is upset because he’s been used by a young American girl. Using a combination of keen interrogation techniques and womanly wiles, we get Roger to tell us the sordid story: the girls used him, until they found some other guys to use, but now the guys are using the girls, although the girls are still managing to use Roger. Translation: Elaine and company dumped him for one Scot and two British Ravers, went to Scotland for the 50th anniversary Military Tattoo, and then emailed him to do her a favor and transfer the money to the Scot’s account. In typical there-must-be-a-reason-why she-left-me testosterone fashion, he believes that the Ravers are using ecstasy to keep the girls with them (although there may be some merit to that idea).

Eventually Paris and I, feeling that we’ve obtained as much useful information as we are going to get and, wanting to exit before an "if a man says something in a forest and there’s no woman to hear him, is he still wrong" discussion begins, depart.

We go back to the hotel, where Rossi-Dude is waiting with the British excuse for a pizza and some warm beer. We share information and decide to head for Scotland the next day, although even Paris was unable to obtain hotel reservations for us due to the Military Tattoo and other festivals that are taking place.

Rossi and Paris, trying to overcome jet lag go to their rooms. Rossi dreams of washing a thick-crusted American pizza down with an ice-cold beer and Paris has a lovely and restful sleep.

As I lay down for the night, I take a little inventory and, taking the advice of my newly acquired therapist, try being optimistic. After all, no explosions seem imminent, it’s been years since I was arrested in Britain, Mulroy hasn’t surfaced, nobody’s been shot at, Paris rented the car, and Jack is nowhere in sight! I count beer steins until I fall asleep.

Everybody wakes up in the morning feeling refreshed and eager to start the trip to Scotland. We make a stop at the ISIS, the agency, not the goddess, office to see if they have found any information on Greg Murdoch. I am stunned to see none other than (Up)Chuck - awake - standing there ready to assist us in our endeavor. Then they tell me that Alex Architect is in Edinburgh. What luck!

While I am procuring transmitter pens and pepper spray for the whole team, Paris is trying to get us hotel reservations. She manages to get two rooms, but only for a few days. Not a problem - we’ll simply crash in Alex’s Sheraton hotel room when we get kicked out.

Paris, the agent, not the city, (Up)Chuck and I take turns driving, while Rossi sleeps in the back of the car. Even the crinkling of Paris’s map doesn’t disturb the sleeping Rossi.

We make it to Edinburgh without mishap - no speeding tickets, no losing our way, no car explosions. I am afraid of using all of our good fortune up too fast, but then again we are Cracker Jack-less …

Paris, the agent, not the city, and I drop the guys off at their hotel and go to ours. We check in and go for some food. Paris consults the map for points of interest. While we are there, I have a feeling that a man there has done something suspicious. Since I do not have any details with which to make it useful information and it will surely prove confusing, I share my unfounded suspicions with Paris, who didn’t see a thing, because she was trying to fold the map back to its original state.

After dinner, we go to Alex Architect’s room. He is naturally thrilled to see us. We tell him that we are going to the zoo the next day and he asks for a weapon. After I get over my amazement and horror that he wants to kill the unfortunate zoo residents, I tell him he can’t have a gun, but I give him a transmitter pen and pepper spray.

Meanwhile, (Up)Chuck and Rossi have gone to different establishments for food. (Up)Chuck manages to get the name of a club that seems a likely place for the girls to have gone. Rossi tries haggis-on-a-stick, but seems to like it even less than Karin liked cold pizza in the morning. (Up)Chuck leaves messages for the rest of the team and goes to the club. Since Rossi slept on the way to Scotland and (Up)Chuck slept for the past month, they have the energy to go clubbing. Paris, the agent, not the city, and I get the message, but we are tired so we skip the club thing and get some sleep.

Rossi finds a group of politically minded Goths and asks one of the girls to dance. She lifts his sunglasses up to make sure he does have eyes and agrees. He tries to ply her for information, but soon finds that he had better luck understanding Hindu Cockney-ese than he is having with a thick Scottish burr amid the blaring techno music.

(Up)Chuck finds a girl to talk to, but she turns out to be a book snob and, not wishing to engage in a conversation that would bore him and risk another narcoleptic episode, (Up)Chuck ditches her.

(Up)Chuck then sees a man in the club that appears to be doing the check everybody out thing, just like he is doing, so (Up)Chuck follows the man out after last call and tries to get the license plate. That might have been a good plan had the man been driving, but he disappears around a corner and (Up)Chuck loses him.

The next morning, Paris, the agent, not the city, and I awaken, refreshed and ready to go to the zoo. We call Rossi and (Up)Chuck, who is up already due to his newly acquired fear of sleeping for more than six hours at a time, and tell them we are going to the zoo.

We manage to keep Rossi from bothering the penguins and (Up)Chuck from entering the bears’ hibernation den, and have a relatively good time. After the zoo, we head to the fort for some more sight-seeing. A couple walks by us and catches our attention. The man is obviously a drummer in some sort of techno/hard rock band and the chick with him is a groupie. However, she is a groupie that bears a striking resemblance to a New York stripper named Bambi (well from the neck to the waist anyway), and (Up)Chuck races over to talk about her huge … attraction to this guy’s band.

Anyway, it turns out that the guy is in a band called the Kurgans and (Up)Chuck’s "there can only be one,’ insults on two levels - 1 - the drummer is tired of having The Highlander quoted to him, and 2 - he has to correct (Up)Chuck’s syntax (and he is not even an honorary member of the grammar police).

The pair leave (Up)Chuck and approach us. He introduces himself as Preston and his groupie as Erica, so I introduce the team, after taking a moment to remember the real (for this mission) name that lies behind each agent’s nickname. Alex then beats the dead horse some more by saying "there can be only one." The duo promptly turns and leaves. Rossi runs after them and asks them where the band is playing. They tell him that it is a place called the Quickening in Falkirk.

We all decide to go to the Quickening that night - all except for Paris, who opts to instead have a lovely evening in Edinburgh.

While Paris searches for a nice quiet, mature establishment, I pile into Rossi’s car along with the children … I mean boys … I mean other team members, and off we go.

We find our way to Falkirk, but we have no idea where the Quickening is. Knowing that Rossi can’t find his way out of room with one open door marked exit, I suggest stopping at the Brown Swallow Dive (or something like that) for a pint and some information. Amazingly, I actually got three testosterone-filled beings to get out of the car and accompany me into the bar, even though they knew that I was going to ask directions. (Don’t be too stunned - that was about the last act of maturity that any of them performed that evening.)

Rossi and I walk past a bulletin board on the way in. There is an advertisement for the Quickening on it, so Rossi deftly pulls the ad off, along with half of the board, since it was glued on. Luckily, nobody in the bar seems to mind the destruction of the bulletin board. As I watch Rossi trying to lick the back of the poster in an attempt to reapply it, I find myself missing Jack and his ever-present roll of duct tape. Fortunately, the address and show times are still intact on the torn flyer. We make our way to the bar, along with (Up)Chuck who has found out that one can go to the Quickening ‘in character.’

I look at my team. I have lost Alex to the wonderful world of Scotch-Whiskey and (Up)Chuck to the world of fantasy role-playing. At least Rossi is still coherent, and blessedly silent due to all of the glue on his tongue.

I round up the … team and with a no-puking-in-the-car rule in effect we head to the Quickening. There are people in medieval garb on horseback, and I realize that they are actors for the club.

We go into the club, which is very crowded. I go to the bar for another pint (and successful as ever when beer is involved, I get through the crowd and place my order), Rossi and Alex head toward the dance floor and (Up)Chuck goes to the shop. Rossi calls Paris from the noisy dance floor and tells her that there is a train station right here and she should come over. Paris, having decided that mature, lovely evenings are not everything in life, decides to join the mayhem and heads to the train station.

(Up)Chuck, having explored the limits of his credit card in the shop, finds an employee and asks if he can join the show. The man tells him to seek out Sir Lead Knight to inquire about fighting.

I go to the second floor, which is slightly less noisy, but I don’t see anybody even remotely interesting, so I go back downstairs. Wanting to take another inventory, I look for my team. Unfortunately, I find them. Alex has met up with a group of Goths and he is starting to look really *&%#ed up, Rossi is staring at the band’s bass guitarist in much the same way that (Up)Chuck stares at the stripper Bambi, and yes, the six foot tall knight I see is none other than (Up)Chuck who has traded his plain clothes for a knight’s getup.

At this time, Paris arrives at the club. Alex runs up to her in excitement as (Up)Chuck also approaches. She wants to know how much Alex has had to drink and he tells her only four jiggers and one little pill, given to him by his new Raver friends.

I approach Rossi and ask what he is doing. The guitarist turns her back when she sees us talking and he gets mad. He is convinced that his spending the night with a pretty rock musician will lead to the successful completion of his - I mean our - mission. Disgusted at the appalling amount of tetosterone he is exuding, I leave in search of bonehead # 2.

When I leave, bonehead #1 goes to the backstage door and sends his most prized possession - his shades - to the bass guitarist. He comes back to the floor doing a little dance that makes the crab-mallet-wielding-human-rain dance look elegant.

I find bonehead #2 talking to Paris and bonehead # 3. Paris shares the story of Alex’s little pill.

Let me get this straight: I am in Scotland with a narcoleptic knight wannabe, a blinded by love (and those damned sunglasses that he won’t take off) hormonally-challenged (is that PC or what?) California surfer dude, an architect who wants to play Alice in Wonderland, and Paris, my only stable team member, who has decided that she doesn’t want any more *&%$# lovely eveings, because she was ‘bored in Edinburgh’!!!!

Where the f&$k is my extra large bottle of extra strength aspirin? Oh yeah it wouldn’t fit into this stupid little *&#$% bag I took to the club. I wonder if my therapist is taking calls right now …

I take Alice to the dance floor. He is in a highly suggestible state and let me just say that he does an absolutely brilliant chicken clucking.

All of a sudden, a bunch of employees come running across the floor, dragging a mat to clear the area. I manage to pull Alice out of the way before he takes trample damage (oops - wrong game).

Anyway, they put on this nice show with all sorts of sword fighting and damsels in distress. Rossi is amazed at how much he can actually see when he is not wearing his sunglasses, (Up)Chuck is staring at the stage like a little boy in toy store, Paris is thinking that this is better than a sedate expensive restaurant (for a change), and Ecstasy boy is staring intently at the stage. Then this papier mache (not really, but I told Alex it was) dragon comes flying toward us and while I am not the least bit affected by the dragon, my ear drum is ruptured by Alice’s scream of horror. He falls to the floor (not in such a state of ecstasy anymore). I step on his throat to stifle his screams. That works nicely, so I let him sit up. He then remembers that he could have sprayed the attacking dragon with pepper spray, and wanting to make sure that such an attack would have worked, he sprays some in his mouth. That’s it! Regretting my decision to arm him with pepper spray instead of a gun, I pour some beer into his mouth to teach him a lesson. He foams up nicely and is escorted to the lobby by some bouncers. I follow to make sure he is more or less okay. Even though the bouncer tried to extend the no-puking-in-the-car rule to cover the club, Alex begins to regurgitate in the lobby. I tell him to go into the bathroom and clean up. He tells me he did this all for me as he crawls to the bathroom.

Rossi has gone upstairs to meet the bass guitarist. She shows up along with one of the swordswomen from the show. The guitarist returns his shades, although he no longer needs them, because he has been completely blinded by thoughts of a menage a trois. They tell him to come back later.

I see Rossi coming down the stairs and get him to go into the bathroom to check on Vomit Boy. Rossi goes in and I hear cries of ‘baby carrots’ and ‘bow-tie pasta’ through the door. There is silence followed by shouts of ‘a kidney’ and ‘what is that and why does it have a zipper?'

The door finally opens and just as he’s leaving, one of his Raver friends gives him another pill which he swallows with incredible speed, speed being the operative word here. Now that he’s taken the Raver’s antidote, he becomes slightly easier to talk to (when he’s not vomiting). He again tells me that he did it all for me.

(Up)Chuck finds Sir Lead Knight and asks if he can join the show. Sir Lead Knight tells him to come back on Wednesday for the open challenges.

The place is starting to empty out now because it’s getting close to 2:00. Paris, the agent, not the city, finds one of the employees and asks if he happens to know Greg Murdoch. As luck would have it, he does! He is one of the actors from the show. Paris then finds one of the girls from the show and asks if Greg is still here. She says she thinks so, but after Paris tells us, we all look and are unable to locate him. Paris goes back to the girl, gives her a business card with her cell phone number and asks if the girl would have Greg call her.

Paris and (Up)Chuck share information about the upcoming challenge. She tells him that most participants get their arses kicked and their girlfriends stolen. Since Bambi is not here, (Up)Chuck is not worried.

(Up)Chuck changes back to his regular clothes and carries Vomit Boy off to the train station. He plans on staying in Vomit Boy’s hotel room, since Rossi has told him that he needs their room tonight.

We wait until closing, but fail to spot Greg Murdoch or any of the girls. The guitarist and her friend have not shown up, so we take a crestfallen Rossi home. He cheers up a little at the thought of getting a video camera to tape (Up)Chuck’s ass-kicking, I mean ultimate fight.

As we try to get some sleep, so we can get up and go to yet another zoo in the morning, the day’s events make their way into our dreams. As (Up)Chuck is fighting evil knights, Vomit Boy is fighting a papier mache dragon and Paris is fighting a large fold-resistant map. Rossi tosses in his sleep as he dream-lives his menage a trois and I have a nightmare that my shoes failed to avoid Vomit Boy’s geyser of digestive fluids. I wake up in a cold sweat, but then realize it was only a dream …

Training Recommendations

Paris

Sheila

James

Rossi

(Up)Chuck

Awards

Paris

Sheila

James

Rossi

(Up)Chuck

Once again, we all wake up feeling refreshed, that is all except for Vomit Boy, whose face still has a luminescent green glow similar to the glow of uneaten green jello in a dimly lit hospital room.

After Paris calls ISIS, the agency, not the goddess, to tell them that Greg Murdoch works at the Quickening, Paris and I check out of our hotel room. She takes Rossi to look at possible rentals while I take Vomit Boy to the film festival. (Up)Chuck goes out sword shopping, but is unhappy to learn that he cannot buy an edged weapon, since he is a tourist. He offers to pay me $200 to buy it for him. I agree (I must be getting soft in my old age, because I charged Jack $10,000 for a handcuff key).

Anyway, Paris, the agent, not the city, and Rossi have looked at several places without much luck. Eventually, they drive up to an old keep, which looks dilapidated and ramshackle from the outside, but is quite nice inside (despite the fact that there are no sorfbirds in the bredrooms - are you happy you little vultures? You axed me to put my mis-speaks in and here they are, along with some of y’alls!!!). Since Rossi was impressed by the display of swords on the wall and Paris was impressed by the keeper of the keep, Corey, they leave a deposit and tell him they’ll be back later with two or three others.

We meet for dinner and discuss our new lodgings. A phone call to ISIS, the agency, not the goddess, gets us the address of one Greg Murdoch. Paris drives to the keep, the building, not the verb, and Rossi, (Up)Chuck, Vomit Boy and I go to Greg’s apartment.

We send Vomit Boy in to figure out which apartment is F. He comes back and tells us that it is the only apartment on the top floor. Rossi and I decide to go up and question Mr. Murdoch, leaving (Up)Chuck and Vomit Boy in the car.

Not wishing to ring Greg’s apartment and alert him to our presence, Rossi tries to pick the lock. Once again proving that the wonders of modern technology are too much for him, he fails. We have neither paper clip nor shuriken, but Vomit Boy comes from behind and hits a bunch of apartment buttons, until someone buzzes us in.

As we are making our way up to the top floor, Rossi gets tired of watching Vomit Boy pat himself on the back and kicks him in the knee, although he rolls really low and it is more like a love tap. I ring the bell. Murdoch answers the door and I try to explain that we are investigating the disappearance of Roger Vogel and wish to speak with him. He repeatedly slams the door on us. Vomit Boy continues making annoying remarks, so I give him a real kick in the knee. Just as I was getting ready to tell my best knock-knock joke, Alex decides to play Rambo and kick the door open before Greg can slam it.

The chain breaks and Vomit Boy punches Greg in the face. Greg is getting ready to kick Vomit Boy’s ass, but Vomit Boy manages to kick Greg in the nuts and pull out his slightly used pepper spray. Greg is able to stab Alex in the chest before he is assaulted by the stream of pepper spray. There is a girl sitting on the couch who is now hysterically shrieking, and the second man who was in the apartment when we entered has disappeared.

Rossi steps on Greg’s wrist, getting him to drop his weapon and breaking his (Greg’s, not Rossi’s) wrist in the process. Rossi then espies an open window leading to the fire escape and takes off after the disappeared mystery man. (Up)Chuck has heard the commotion and is on his way up. I pull my gun out and yell for everybody to shut up, but as usual nobody listens to me.

I pause for a quick inventory: Rossi is chasing mystery man down the street in a strange city so we’ll be lucky if we ever see him again, (Up)Chuck has broken the building door, barged into the apartment and is yelling at Greg, the girl (it turns out to be Laurie Morano) is shrieking and exhibiting other signs of distress on the couch, Alex is gurgling and bleeding, Greg is screaming and writhing about, and all of these sounds are preferable to the strains of MTV Europe that are blaring from the television set. Unfortunately, I do not have time to take out my extra large bottle of extra strength aspirin.

(Up)Chuck is trying to question Greg Murdoch and I am trying to explain to Laurie that I just want to know where Elaine McConnell is, but she won’t stop screaming. Greg tells us that Elaine is at the Quickening. (Up)Chuck announces that the police are on the way.

Rossi has lost mystery man, but somehow found his way back to the apartment (a fairly miraculous feat for him), Alex is looking for some gauze or duct tape to stop his bleeding, and I am yelling at him to get out, but he won’t leave. (Up)Chuck knocks Greg out with a near-fatal blow. Fustation (in the words of the GM) wells up inside me: Alex won’t leave and Laurie won’t shut up, so I hit her in the face. Fortunately for her, I am not in possession of a beer mug. Unfortunately, I do have a gun in my hand, and I knock her out. (Up)Chuck walks her out as though she is wasted - there’s a stretch. Rossi and I start tossing the apartment to make it look like a burglary and still Alex has not left. Now we hear sirens approaching, and (Up)Chuck calls and tells us to leave via the fire escape. Finally, Alex leaves. Rossi has found Greg’s stash of Ecstasy, the drug, not the mood, and follows me out of the apartment.

We drive to the keep and are met by Paris, the agent, not the city, and Corey. Vomit Boy gets out of the car and, although (Up)Chuck has administered some first aid, he is still stumbling about and seeping body fluids. We tell Corey that Alex fell on some broken glass and Corey takes him in to treat his wound. Paris is somehow surprised that we have shown up with a wounded team member and a body in the car - oh wait, I know why she is surprised, this time the body is actually still alive!

She wants to know what happened, so naturally, we tell her: we went to the apartment, kicked Alex in the knee - twice, Alex then kicked in the door, got stabbed and used the remains of his pepper spray, Rossi broke Greg’s wrist, ran out the fire escape and found his way back, (Up)Chuck broke the building door and knocked Greg out, and I shut Elaine up with one well meaning blow to the face.

Paris tells us that she had a lovely evening.

Anyway, (Up)Chuck sneaks Laurie up to a bedroom and Paris goes to the kitchen to check on Alex. Corey gives him some good quality antiseptic alcohol, which turns Vomit Boy into Coma Puppy. Corey seems a little suspicious as he tells Paris that it is knife wound.

After Corey has left and we put Coma Puppy to bed, Paris, Rossi and I decide to go to the Quickening to look for Elaine. We get there and find the parking lot gate locked with a closed sign on it. We surreptitiously scale the parking lot wall and look inside. There are no cars. Remembering that there seemed to be missing depth inside the castle when we were there last night, we go to the front of the building. Rossi spots two doors in the wall.

As we are looking, the door opens and the bouncer who removed Alex from the club the night before appears with two other bruisers. I tell him that I am looking for Vomit Boy, because we can’t find him. He rudely tells us that they are closed and he hasn’t seen Vomit Boy. Rossi then mentions that his friend Greg Murdoch told him that the club was open. The bouncer asks Rossi to step forward and look at first Bruiser One, then Bruiser Two. He reiterates that the club is closed, but I realize that he just had Rossi mug for the security cameras. I mention this to Rossi, but he seems unconcerned.

We depart from the front of the castle and go to the underground train station, figuring there must be an entrance down there. We find a handle-less door (not to be confused with the technologically advanced Chilean door-less handle). Rossi knocks and Paris and I run for cover. As we are dodging, we notice more security cameras. Luckily, nobody answers the door, so we leave, hoping to bring a sober and straight Alex Architect back with us the next day.

Meanwhile, (Up)Chuck is trying to question the charming Laurie Morano. He politely tells her that her family wants her to return home and he wants to know where he can find Elaine. She calls him several names (none of which are (Up)Chuck, William or Michael) and tells him it is her desire to stay here and take Ecstasy, the drug, not the emotion. After she reveals that she does in fact remember being hit by some psycho bitch (that’s me), (Up)Chuck decides against releasing her. He calls ISIS, the agency, not the goddess, and tells them that he has Laurie, but not the principal and asks what he should do with her, as he believes it would compromise us to release her (wouldn’t want that to happen now, would we?). Eventually, they call him back and tell him to use her to find Elaine.

We arrive back from not storming the castle and Rossi tries to question Laurie. Having acquainted himself with Jack’s hostage rousing techniques and their consequences, he opts not to use the friendly sternum rub. She is not much nicer to him than she was to (Up)Chuck, and calls him several names (none of which are John, Rossi or Dude).

The next morning, (Up)Chuck and I meet on the way down to breakfast and discuss what to do with Laurie. Using our combined medical and psychology knowledge, we feel that having a friendly face (no, that wouldn’t be either of us) give her some Ecstasy, the drug, not the emotion, and then use her highly suggestible state to convince her to help us get to Elaine is the best option.

We go into the dining room and find the rest of the team, including Coma Puppy, seated at the table, chewing their coffee. We notice several fencing awards belonging to Corey on the wall. (Up)Chuck is still excited at the prospect of the upcoming open challenge and Paris, the agent, not the city, once again mentions that he may be in terrible peril. (Up)Chuck still feels that he can handle the peril, so Paris dares him to fight Corey, both as a test of (Up)Chuck’s ability and for a chance to watch Corey’s muscles ripple.

Corey enters the dining room at that time and Paris explains that she has dared (Up)Chuck to fight him. She mentions the Quickening and Corey immediately seems interested in offering his assistance. He pulls down a sword and introduces himself as Lancelot. Apparently, he used to work at the Quickening, but left in disgust at the drug use.

So here’s what we have: a nasty Ecstasy queen chained to a bed, a keep keeper who doubles as Lancelot on the side, a narcoleptic knight wannabe protector person who is trying to remember that he has to go to the Quickening, not the Gathering, a beautiful salad-eating lovely evening-having Paris, who is hoping to make up for lost time with Corey, a must-be-deaf-because-he-never-listens architect who is recovering from a stab wound and two kicks to the knee, a sorfbird-loving mugs-excellently-for-the-cameras car thief who is guarding his stash of Ecstasy, the drug, not the emotion, and me, and I am busy trying to decide if I would get more pleasure out of killing Alex or Laurie.

Awards

Paris

Sheila

James

Rossi

(Up)Chuck

So, where did I leave off? Oh Yeah, Corey, aka Lancelot, has just put his sword through an unsuspecting chair cushion, Paris, the agent, not the city, is impressed by the harmonious rippling of Corey’s muscles, (Up)Chuck is salivating over the sword, Alex, aka Vomit Boy, is finally awake and sober, but not exactly salivating over breakfast, Rossi is trying to spear his breakfast using the limited amount of light that his sunglasses let in, and I (in between thoughts of murdering Alex and Laurie) am thinking that even I can make better coffee than this.

Rossi, finding the battle with his breakfast fare exhausting, goes to his room for a nap. Alex is in the kitchen looking for some snack food to help with the munchies that are the result of too much alcohol and Ecstasy. (Up)Chuck is out sparring with Corey and Paris is searching the keep. I decide to take a walk in the woods, thinking that time away from Alex Architect and the charming Laurie Morano will take the edge off of my homicidal mood.

Rossi smiles in his sleep as he again enters the dream world of menage a trois. Alex smiles as he happens across an unopened box of shortbread. (Up)Chuck smiles as he gets a shot in on Corey during their sparring. Paris is not smiling as she realizes that someone is missing from the keep. I am not smiling as the sounds of rustling in the woods interfere with my ability to commune with nature.

My transmitter pen beeps, scaring away the rare Scottish Green Jello Bellied Grapefruit Carrying Swallow that I was observing. It is Paris, the agent, not the city, who tells me the Laurie Morano is not in the keep. I immediately go to investigate the rustling sounds that I heard. What do I see? I see Laurie Morano still handcuffed and crawling through the foliage. (I reserve the right to exclude certain mis-speaks, at my discretion, remember - I am the report writer.)

Hmmm, huge quandary here. On the one hand, we may need her to complete the mission. On the other hand, I hate the bitch. She had the nerve to call me a psycho and if that doesn’t deserve a beer mug to the head, I don’t know what does! Since I don’t have my cell phone with me and I can’t call my therapist to ask for advice, I settle for stepping on her back (I didn’t have my beer mug with me), which seems to sap what little consciousness she has left.

I call (Up)Chuck on the pen to ask him if he is missing anything. He can’t think of anything so I help him out with a riddle: what’s blonde, injured, high, nasty and about to be bludgeoned? He wants me to bring her back to the keep, but I would sooner allow him to puke into my shoes then carry the nasty Ecstasy Queen back. He tells me he is coming and Corey is with him.

Not wanting Corey to see that she is handcuffed, I break a piece of my transmitter pen off and pick the locks. In a stroke of brilliance, I decide to make it appear as if she bumped into a log. So, putting aside all of my homicidal thoughts, I pick up a log and hit her ever so gently in the head. Fear not, (Up)Chuck has some medical knowledge and he is able to stop the bleeding. (Unfortunately, I rolled a 95 which does oodles o’ damage, but fortunately - for her, it was one point short of a fatal blow.)

(Up)Chuck carries the little snot back to the keep and Corey asks me what happened. I told him that when (Up)Chuck is lucky enough to get a girl into his room, we don’t ask any questions. I think he may be getting suspicious of us.

I go to (Up)Chuck’s room and he accuses moi of hitting her with the log. Of course, I deny everything.

Rossi is still sleeping, (Up)Chuck is monitoring Laurie’s condition, Paris is wandering the grounds for a glimpse of Corey’s … sword and Alex is sitting in the dining room. Since I have managed to eliminate the homicidal thoughts from my head, I go to make lunch for Alex. I whip up a batch of Sheila’s Scottish Surprise and the keep is filled with the delectable aroma of good home-cooking (my culinary expertise is rivaled only by my excellent driving skills). Alex manages to eat lunch and not spew the stew (but it may have taken every ounce of abdominal control he had). Paris turns down my offer of lunch (I think that thoughts of Corey have sapped her appetite - for food) and for some reason, Rossi is not tempted by the aroma wafting up to his room, probably because it’s not pizza.

Anyway, everybody survives lunch, but Paris tells us that Corey had visitors. Apparently some thugs from the Quickening came and told him they were looking for a young guy who wears sunglasses all of the time, a really thin kid who has an attitude and a thin blonde who also has an attitude. Hmmmm, I wonder who they mean? Corey fells it may be better if we leave.

(Up)Chuck goes to talk to Corey and explain our delicate position and then Paris goes and talks to Corey.

Let me see, we are going to get evicted and I’m sure we’ll be wrecking the car at some point while trying to elude the thugs from the Quickening, which means I will surely wind up traveling through the countryside in a stolen vehicle. The only thing missing is Jack. I pick up my cell phone.

After we exchange heys, I tell him I’m getting the band back together again, and he needs to come to Scotland. He wants to know if I have an axe for him and I tell him he needs to bring his own instruments. (Jack must have taken Spy Speak 101, because we managed to understand each other.)

Meanwhile back at the keep, we all sit down with Corey. He wants to know what is going on with the Ecstasy Queen, so we tell him that she is our only link to the person we are supposed to rescue. He tells us that she must have escaped through the secret passage that Paris failed to find during her search. Corey then gives us some facts: Llewellyn Flinn, the CEO of Tin Lam Entertainment, has a female companion named Myra Bevan and likes to behave like a celebrity. Why is he important? Because Tin Lam, which was bought by one Sir Keane Elliot (who happens to be a member of the the House of Lords), owns the Quickening, as well as Dillion Pharmaceuticals , whose CEO is one Sir Kent Dillion. Flinn has a crew of thugs who do his enforcing, including Q - Quindlan, M - Emma and A&P - Aches and Pains and the acronymless Wolf. They are led by Timmy Trappe.

After giving us the inside scoop, he tells us that he will help (Up)Chuck prepare for the challenge but he doesn’t want to be a party to helping us break into the building or anything else that may not be considered completely legal.

(Up)Chuck and Corey go to the battleground. So it begins, mano a mano, (Up)Chuck’s right arm to Corey’s left. After several minutes, (Up)Chuck manages to KO Corey. Paris runs up to offer assistance, but ignores my suggestion that she administer mouth to mouth. Everybody is really wary of the friendly sternum rub now, so we wait. He comes to and requests something to quench his thirst. Being ever mindful that not every person uses beer as a cure-all the way I do, I offer him water, but apparently he has gone to the Sheila school of self-recovery and wants a thick and chewy ale.

Corey recovers, stands up with a laugh and says, "I know something you don’t know!" as he throws the sword from his left hand to his right. A great battle ensues. Eventually, after exchanging many mutual head blows, Corey wins. He shares tips on how the Quickening staff will cheat at the open challenge to prepare (Up)Chuck for his upcoming match.

Paris goes to get ready for dinner, because she is planning to have a lovely evening with Corey.

I poison - I mean cook - dinner for the gang. I notice that they are starting to lose weight, which means that Alex Architect may disappear altogether, and Rossi’s sunglasses may soon fall off his face, so (always concerned about my team’s well-being) I put extra fat into the dinner.

At about three am my cell phone rings. It’s Jack. He wants to know where in Scotland I am so he can come here. I tell him to get to Glasgow and go back to sleep.

The next day, I prepare lunch for the group, making sure to set some aside for Jack, because I know how much he enjoys my cooking.

Early in the afternoon, my phone rings again. It’s Jack. He wants me to pick him up at the train station. I am momentarily confused as to how the plane landed at the train station, but he then explains that he couldn’t get a connecting flight from London, so he took the train. Apparently, his new Customs-defeating technique (which involves walking through customs while holding your jacket open to expose all weapons to plain view and shouting that you absolutely do not have any weapons on you) works (and he used the hexed dice that only roll really high, thus ensuring a get-me-through-Customs-without-getting-stopped score) and he entered the UK without incident (a feat almost as miraculous as Rossi finding his way through a strange city without getting lost).

Or it could just be that he didn’t bring the Ultrasonic Dog Detergent with him.

After lying to Jack and telling him that there is lots of money to be made here, I fill him in on everything that’s happened, even the part about the unfortunate meeting of Laurie’s head and a certain log that just happened to be in my hands. He makes those I’m going to tell faces and I get annoyed. But then I think, what’s he going to do - tell people that I actually hit my target?

Awards

Paris

Sheila

James

Rossi

Jack

(Up)Chuck