Arlington

So, it’s time for another mission. The team assembles in Arlington, Va., the fun capital of the world. The major looks well rested, Jason Aquelone has a payne in his foot, and Michael/William St. Michael has a new nickname after his gut-retching episode onboard a cruise ship. I simply have jet lag.

The usual nondescript man in the gray suit and red tie gives us our not-so-briefing. A Miss Cummings is there as a liaison to the person who hired us to intercept the passing of a package of rare books between a Miss Mayo and an unknown courier at a gaming store in the mall (hey, it is an art to use so many prepositional phrases in one semi-coherent sentence). We should also retrieve the package, if possible.

So the team heads off to the mall. Annalee and I are drawn by the large choice of lingerie and clothing shops, while (Up)Chuck is drawn to Miss Mayo’s … gaming attributes. Surveillance of the store today reveals that no exchange has taken place so Jason, (Up)Chuck, Annalee and I go to Bull Feathers, a drinking and dining establishment at which Miss Mayo is also employed. Unfortunately, she is not employed there on Monday evenings. Interestingly, the debonair Mr. James Bond is also at Bull Feathers looking for Miss Cummings. These must be pretty interesting books. He does come to the table where Annalee and I are sitting to thank us for sending him a Martiki (don’t ask the ingredients, if we told you we’d have to kill you).

In the meantime, (Up)Chuck has been convinced by the evil Miss Cummings that I am a double agent. After all, what could make one seem more suspicious than being from Europe and knowing a European. Of course, I refused to validate such ridiculous assertions by denying them when confronted by (Up)Chuck. This seems to make him more suspicious.

(Up)Chuck goes to Jason and tells him to take care of Miss Cummings and keep her away from me. In a classic case of confused semantics, Jason feels that the dreaded Miss Cummings is surely a threat to me, the woman who saved his life just one short month ago, and she therefore needs to be terminated.

Unfortunately, Jason doesn’t do the job in the hotel, instead preferring the scenic Potomac as a background for his deed (he takes the term wet work too seriously). Upon leaving the hotel, a one-way only limo is waiting to pick up Miss Cummings and dispatch Jason post-haste. Realizing that getting in the limo is simply not in his best interests, Jason begins to scuffle with Miss Cummings. He manages to give her a bloody nose, put her in an arm lock and turn towards her two henchmen using her as a human shield. However, she definitely rolls better than he does, and is soon in possession of his weapon. At this point, Jason knows that he will have to prevail upon fame and fortune (points) to ensure his future as a role-playing character, and Miss Cummings somehow manages to turn and shoot one of her companions in the head. However, fortune is still not smiling upon Jason, and the Secret Service now have to show up to ensure the safety of the president and an intern(al staff member) who are enjoying an unannounced dinner.

Due to the timely arrival of the Secret Service, Jason now spends the evening in an unspecified location answering questions about his fiendish plot to assassinate the president. Having been pronounced clean (inside and out), he is released in the wee hours of the morning.

Annalee and (Up)Chuck go to Bull Feathers for dinner. Annalee does her best to allay his suspicions regarding the team’s loyalty, but when she leaves with James Bond (another suspicious European), (Up)Chuck attempts to follow. After losing them, he calls her cell phone. She promptly hangs up on him.

Early in the morning, Jason, now slightly annoyed, tired and violated, goes to talk to (Up)Chuck. They bicker and argue over ‘oo told ‘oo to kill ‘oo. (Up)Chuck is stunned that his request to take care of Miss Cummings led to Jason’s attempt on the president’s life, and he will surely choose his words more carefully next time.

Morning finds Jason, (Up)Chuck and me at breakfast. We ponder what could have become of Miss Cummings and (Up)Chuck promptly abuses his telephone privileges only to have them taken away.

We all meet for lunch, at which time the mysterious Kieran shows up and requests that we meet at Arlington Cemetery later. The meeting goes as expected (for those of us who know who Kieran is), and we are now instructed to retrieve the package for Mr. Diamond.

How hard can this be? We go to the mall because (Up)Chuck has a date with Miss Mayo. As he is going to his car with her, a crowd of NPCs follow telling him that he is with an underage girl and they are going to report him. (Up)Chuck is now torn between telling them off and checking her ID. He opts for the verbal confrontation and exchanges words, but no meaningful ideas, with them. When they become threatening, he yells at Miss Mayo to get in the car, and the NPCs get on their cell phones.

Jason and I spot Miss Cummings because her ringing cell phone has caught out attention. I beep Annalee on the transmitter pen to tell her that we’ve spotted Miss Cummings, and that Jason says "hey." We attempt to go find Miss Cummings.

Annalee meanwhile is trying to help out (Up)Chuck. She shoots into the ground in between (Up)Chuck and his pursuers. Two of them run, while the other two freeze in their tracks. (Up)Chuck dives into his car and starts driving out of the parking garage. The sound of screeching wheels can be heard as the bad guys now are attempting to pursue in their own car.

After (Up)Chuck F’s (fakes) that his car crash is not nearly as bad as it looks, he gets into a gun battle with the bad guys. Annalee, in the meantime, has gone back to the store to make sure that the package was not delivered when we weren’t looking.

Jason and I arrive at the food court, only to realize that Miss Cummings is no longer there. However, Jason hears a commotion in the parking garage, so we start running toward it. As we get closer, we use our keen sense of detection to note that the noise is in fact being caused by shotgun blasts. We slow our pace (a lot). Cautiously peering through the opening of the door, we note that (Up)Chuck has used a shotgun to eliminate an NPC. He jumps into his car and apparently cannot locate his entry ticket because he crashes into the barrier at the exit. (Up)Chuck sensibly jumps out of his not-getting-the-deposit-back-on-it rental car and hijacks the nearest car at the exit with his shotgun, and we hope it has leather seats (they clean easier). Jason and I now enter the carnage garage and look around. I call Annalee on the cell phone to tell her the important facts: car crash, bullets, dead body, another car crash, shotgun, hijacking … oh yeah, and Jason says "hey."

So (Up)Chuck vanishes with the girl into the sunset, right? Yeah right! What have you been smoking? Perhaps the cracker-jack protection guru, (Up)Chuck, will not steal a really expensive-I-am-sure-to-have-state-of-the-art-anti-theft-devices-in-me car the next time he is trying to evade detection. Jason and I overhear the irate former expensive car owner telling the police that his car is being tracked.

Meanwhile, (Up)Chuck, now assured that Miss Mayo has in fact reached her majority, has pulled the car over so that he can clean it of everything, short of any DNA evidence he may have left behind (I’ll let your imagination take that one where it will …). Miss Mayo is not charmed by his car detailing and runs into a nearby convenience store. (Up)Chuck gives chase.

(Up)Chuck enters the 7-11 to find Miss Mayo yelling at Haji, the local convenience store proprietor. (Up)Chuck attempts to grab her, a fight ensues and (Up)Chuck, after taking a nine point groin kick, is now capable of hitting all of the notes in the Star Spangled Banner. However, Miss Mayo’s victory is short-lived, and she laments the decision to take French in high school since the Pull sign is in Spanish and the door won’t yield to her as she smashes into it.

Haji takes a break from watching his patrons in order to prepare donuts for the police, who have begun to arrive at the convenience store. (Up)Chuck calls Annalee to tell her where he is, what has happened and that Haji says "hey." (Up)Chuck then asks Haji if there is a back way out. "Yes," Haji tells him, "but only authorized personnel are allowed back there."

Ignoring him, (Up)Chuck drags Miss Mayo with him out the back. "Thank you, come again," Haji calls after them.

(Up)Chuck proceeds to get Miss Mayo in the car, evade the police and assault a dumpster, Miss Mayo and the glovebox. He then feels up the now unconscious Miss Mayo and finds half of a fifty dollar bill.

Back at the mall, Annalee and I meet at Victoria’s Secret to share information and, being ever efficient, shop for some essentials. Afterwards, Jason and I go to the hotel to look for Miss Cummings and Annalee goes in search of (Up)Chuck.

After Miss Mayo awakens, (Up)Chuck shows her the ripped fifty dollar bill. Miss Mayo, thinking that (Up)Chuck has taken game geeking to a new level, asks "Are you crazy?" (Up)Chuck dissuades her from this belief by hitting her in the head. She then gives him the details of the exchange.

After allowing Miss Mayo to leave, (Up)Chuck goes to the top of the nearest building, rolls really well and jumps to the roof of the next building. He then finds Annalee and gives her the abridged version of the events so far: 7-11, Miss Mayo ran away, I chased her, I don’t know where she is, she kicked me in the nuts, she acts like she doesn’t know what this is about, and I have the $50 and the key phrase.

Annalee, armed with this information, goes to meet the operative. She refuses to give him the $50 and the phrase, so he gives her two new team members to assist with our debacle, one person to replace Miss Mayo in the gaming store and another to extract the new person.

Jason and I finish the day by drinking tobourbons in the bar, because they have run out of Martiki mix.

The next morning, Paris (the agent, not the city) reports to work in Miss Mayo’s stead.

(Up)Chuck, having thrown his cell phone out the passenger window of the borrowed car, goes to Radio Shack to replace it. He successfully completes the cell phone transaction and heads out of the store. As he exits, a man accompanied by his self approaches (Up)Chuck and introduces himself as Antos, NYPD. (Up)Chuck’s paranoia factor is very high because he’s been listening to Jason all morning, so he punches Antos and puts him in an arm lock. (Up)Chuck now attempts to throw Antos off the track and onto Simon Timothy, Antos’ partner -in-crime-fighting. Simon Timothy manages to deftly avoid the now airborne Antos and is wondering if he’ll ever meet an agent for the first time without having something thrown at him before the introductions have been made.

The rest of the team is now aware of the fracas at the Radio Shack. Jason, the practical, runs to the sporting goods shop to purchase a bat, which he brings back and drops on the ground for (Up)Chuck. A fight ensues during which Simon Timothy breaks three of (Up)Chuck’s non-spare ribs. (Up)Chuck runs past the bat, through the Radio Shack, knocking displays down in an attempt to stop the pursuit by Simon Timothy. Antos picks up the bat, makes sure that it works by using it to finish breaking the glass from the displays and follows. Not wanting to miss a minute of the action, I run into the back behind them, only to find that (Up)Chuck has been knocked out by a door.

After Antos, Simon Timothy and (Up)Chuck kiss and make up (stop cringing, you homophobes, it’s just an expression), (Up)Chuck goes to Ben Black’s Winnebago on Simon Timothy’s instruction to get some new ID.

Meanwhile, back at the store, Dominos, the delivery guy, has been spotted by Annalee, myself and every other woman in the mall. He enters the store, makes the exchange and sweeps Paris (the agent, not the city) off her feet and offers to take her to Paris (the city, not the agent).

Now, I should note that our plan called for creating confusion with multiple duffel bags being carried by different people. However, we didn’t count on the fact that another group had also wired the store for sound and video and was watching what we were watching, also anxious to obtain the rare books. So, while Ben Black and (Up)Chuck are in the Winnebago watching the store, Paris (the agent, not the city), Annalee, Jason and I are switching the bags around to confuse whoever is watching. We all head out with a duffel bag, although we seemed to be the only group that was confused as to which duffel bag contained the rare books.

Jason is ahead of me and someone is following him. Jason, who has retrieved his glass embedded bat by now, turns to hit his pursuer with it. Unfortunately, there were two people following him and the other sprays Jason with pepper spray. I shoot at Pepper boy, and Lisa Bambino shoots me in the leg. It’s only a flesh wound, so I don’t pay attention to her until she shoots me in the other leg and I get annoyed. Now she gets shot at by the F’in (fortune pointed in) security guards who are delivering diamonds to a jewelry shop. I turn to shoot Pepper boy again as Annalee steps in to take care of Lisa.

So basically, we are now shooting at the group that was watching what we were watching and they are shooting at us.

While I am shooting and getting shot at, Jason is still on the ground trying to recover form his spraying, and his duffel bag is mysteriously being pulled up. (Up)Chuck has left the Winnebago to assist in the merriment. He notes that there is a man on the atrium roof and shoots at him, hitting him in the head. Jason is clinging to the bag, which is beginning its ascent to the unstopped roof man. I attempt to grab Jason’s legs, but only manage to knock his feet out from under him as I slide by. Jason ends up laying on his back holding the bag over his head. (As Up)Chuck takes random shots at the atrium, getting shot twice in the process, Jason does a back flip in the laid out position over the bag and winds up on the back of the bad guy who has hold of the duffel bag.

Now we are (well at least Jason is) on top of the competition. Unfortunately, Atrium man is descending on a wire, Bocklett is still alive even though I have shot him again, and Lisa is free and escaping using a wire that she has shot down into the mall. Annalee attempts to hit her with a knife, but misses. Jason tries to run, but is pulled back like a dog on a retractable leash and (Up)Chuck continues to shoot at atrium man. Annalee follows Lisa.

Jason is now doing a marionette dance. No wait, he is jumping around in an attempt to rip open his duffel bag and remove its contents, but Atrium man (aka Martin Schuyler) manages to gain possession of the bag. Lisa has escaped into the mall. Paris (the agent, not the city) has decided that her work is done, and is heading out of the mall thinking "I need this like I need a concussion," when Martin Schuyler drops off the wire and knocks her down (careful what you wish for …).

Now that her plan to be done with this has been foiled, she gains control of the bag.

Jason heads towards them, but gets shot (in his vest) and falls into me. I attempt to shoot Schuyler, but only succeed in hitting a Frederick’s of Hollywood mannequin whose water filled bra begins to squirt fluid out at unsuspecting shoppers. As we are all advancing on Schuyler, he sets off some flash bang grenades and disappears into the smoke.

Paris (the agent, not the city) takes the bag and runs to the car where John Rossi is waiting to take her safely out of the mall.

You know it’s not that easy, right?

So, John Rossi may have been waiting to take Paris safely out of the mall, but first she had to actually get into the car that he borrowed from his dad!?! (I know we have to cut down on expenses, but this is ridiculous).

So, John is watching his mirrors for Paris (the agent, not the city), when he catches sight of a stray lock of hair. In his haste to repair his ‘do, he misses the initial struggle between Paris and her two attackers. She gets a good kick in, but one of them becomes the man with the package. She continues to fight for the package, but succeeds only in gaining many bruising points.

Rossi, having tamed the terrible tress, now catches sight of the skirmish. Seeing Paris chasing the man with the package, he throws the car in gear and takes off, but rolls a 00. Realizing that his dad’s car was in imminent danger of taking damage, he yells at the protection specialist (Up)Chuck to do his duty and protect the car. This (Up)Chuck does by placing his body in between a pillar and the car, and while it prevented some scratching of the quarter panel, (Up)Chuck went to pieces. No really, (Up)Chuck is now a twin of sorts. There’s no time for Rossi to ponder whether the blood will eat through the car’s paint job, because Paris has just procured Ben Black’s Lotus to follow the man with the package and his friend who are in a Trans Am. Leaving the brave and now deceased (Up)Chuck, he joins the chase.

Note: In the parallel universe of reality, the expression the man with the package is meeting with some merriment, much to the dismay of the GM who unwittingly asked for a pretzel rod after the man with the package was mentioned.

Meanwhile, Jason and I have spotted the Trans Am heading toward the ramp to leave the parking area. We decide to run downstairs inside the mall and catch them as they are leaving.

So package man and company are in the Trans Am, Paris is following in the Lotus and Rossi is in position to ram the man with the package - with the car you perverts! So Rossi broadsides package boy’s car which stalls and spins around.

Paris takes advantage of this momentary lack of motion to call Annalee on the cell phone and give an update of the events. Now the Trans Am, the Lotus, Rossi’s Camaro and Ben Black on a motorcycle are heading down the ramp. The Trans Am makes it down one more level before hitting a speed mountain, another car and a barricade. Package boy and company get out and steal an Audi.

Jason and I are just making it out of the mall. Ben Black and I have engaged in synchronized bad dice rolling, so he wipes out on oil, gets thrown from the bike and I fall over the bike while running out of the mall. Trying to make the best of this situation, I right the bike and allow Jason to get on to drive, because I am dangerously close to matching my bruising points and life levels. Jason instructs me to hold on with one hand.

Jason, jealous at having missed his chance to participate in the synchronized bad roll, now fails his roll, uses (a) fortune (point) to find a way of jumping over the oil spill, but because I am rolling poorly and am only holding on with one had, I fall off the bike, break a finger and lose consciousness. The chivalrous Jason continues on the chase.

The Audi and the Lotus make it through the intersection, and while Jason manages to avoid crashing into the Firebird that has also entered the intersection, he does go flying into the Potomac, committing a fowl deed by taking out some of the bird sanctuary’s unsuspecting residents in the process. He barely catches a glimpse of a Range Rover joining the pursuit.

So the Audi, the Lotus, the Firebird and the Range Rover are all heading toward the Lincoln Memorial. While all of the vehicles manage to avoid taking out the national monument, Paris decides that the Lotus is dirty and takes it for a dip in the Reflecting Pool. The other cars continue toward the White House.

Rossi rams the Audi, and its occupants shoot back at him. The Secret Service, now realizing that the man with the package and his friend are not there to harm the president and therefore serve no useful purpose, shoot them dead.

Rossi, is torn between attempting to escape and trying to get the package. Behind him, Antos gets out of the Firebird, and kisses the ground in thanks for a safe stop, or maybe he just tripped on his bat and fell. However, lucky for Rossi, he manages to get up and together with Simon Timothy whisk Rossi away from the scene.

Having actually met with some success this mission - we saved Israeli codes from reaching the hands of the Arabs, we convalesce at a resort. Ben Black is trying to get someone to assist with the cost of replacing all of his vehicles, Annalee is looking for a chess partner, Paris is looking for the delivery guy’s phone number and Jason and I are trying to invent a new drink. We are all feeling pretty good, except for John Rossi, who is trying to figure out how to tell his dad about the car and live.

So, John Rossi may have been waiting to take Paris safely out of the mall, but first she had to actually get into the car that he borrowed from his dad!?! (I know we have to cut down on expenses, but this is ridiculous).

So, John is watching his mirrors for Paris (the agent, not the city), when he catches sight of a stray lock of hair. In his haste to repair his ‘do, he misses the initial struggle between Paris and her two attackers. She gets a good kick in, but one of them becomes the man with the package. She continues to fight for the package, but succeeds only in gaining many bruising points.

Rossi, having tamed the terrible tress, now catches sight of the skirmish. Seeing Paris chasing the man with the package, he throws the car in gear and takes off, but rolls a 00. The Camaro spins around taking out several the front ends of several parked cars in the process. The man with the package and his friend have jumped in a Trans Am and swerve to miss the mall security cart as it pulls in front of them. Paris bravely saves (Up)Chuck who is in the path of the swerving Trans Am and procures Ben Black’s Lotus to follow the man with the package and his friend. Rossi gets the Camaro started again and joins the chase.

Note: In the parallel universe of reality, the expression the man with the package is meeting with some merriment, much to the dismay of the GM who unwittingly asked for a pretzel rod after the man with the package was mentioned.

Meanwhile, Jason and I have spotted the Trans Am heading toward the ramp to leave the parking area. We decide to run downstairs inside the mall and catch them as they are leaving.

So package man and company are in the Trans Am, Paris is following in the Lotus and Rossi is in position to ram the man with the package - with the car you perverts! So Rossi broadsides package boy’s car which stalls and spins around.

Paris takes advantage of this momentary lack of motion to call Annalee on the cell phone and give an update of the events. Now the Trans Am, the Lotus, Rossi’s Camaro and Ben Black on a motorcycle are heading down the ramp. The Trans Am makes it down one more level before hitting a speed mountain, another car and a barricade. Package boy and company get out and steal an Audi.

Jason and I are just making it out of the mall. Ben Black and I have engaged in synchronized bad dice rolling, so he wipes out on oil, gets thrown from the bike and I fall over the bike while running out of the mall. Trying to make the best of this situation, I right the bike and allow Jason to get on to drive, because I am dangerously close to matching my bruising points and life levels. Jason instructs me to hold on with one hand.

Jason, jealous at having missed his chance to participate in the synchronized bad roll, now fails his roll, uses (a) fortune (point) to find a way of jumping over the oil spill, but because I am rolling poorly and am only holding on with one had, I fall off the bike, break a finger and lose consciousness. The chivalrous Jason continues on the chase.

The Audi and the Lotus make it through the intersection, and while Jason manages to avoid crashing into the Firebird that has also entered the intersection, he does go flying into the Potomac, committing a fowl deed by taking out some of the bird sanctuary’s unsuspecting residents in the process. He barely catches a glimpse of a Range Rover joining the pursuit.

So the Audi, the Lotus, the Firebird and the Range Rover are all heading toward the Lincoln Memorial. While all of the vehicles manage to avoid taking out the national monument, Paris decides that the Lotus is dirty and takes it for a dip in the Reflecting Pool. The other cars continue toward the White House.

Rossi rams the Audi, and its occupants shoot at Rossi. The Secret Service, now realizing that the man with the package and his friend are not there to harm the president and therefore serve no useful purpose, shoot them dead.

Rossi, is torn between attempting to escape and trying to get the package. Behind him, Antos gets out of the Firebird and kisses the ground in thanks for a safe stop, or perhaps he simply tripped on his bat and fell. However, lucky for Rossi, he manages to get up and together with Simon Timothy whisk Rossi away from the scene.

Having actually met with some success this mission - we saved Israeli codes from reaching the hands of the Arabs, we convalesce at a resort. Ben Black is trying to get someone to assist with the cost of replacing all of his vehicles, Annalee is looking for a chess partner, Paris is looking for the delivery guy’s phone number, (Up)Chuck is taking a correspondence course on how to be a better judge of ages, and Jason and I are trying to invent a new drink. We are all feeling pretty good, except for John Rossi, who is trying to figure out how to tell his dad about the car and live.