Chinese Torture Test

~annonymous~
I found this story on
Michelle (Calliope)'s page. [Used with permission.]

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly 3 weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door & an old man, with a beard almost down to the ground, answers. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?" The man says. "I've been lost for the past 3 weeks and haven't had a descent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if i could have a meal and sleep in your house for the night." The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one condition; you cannot mess around with my granddaughter." The man, ex- hausted and hungry readily agrees saying, "I promise I won't do anything that would cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man counters, "OK, but if I catch you messing with my granddaughter, I'll give you the 'three' worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man." "OK, OK", said the man as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, "What kind of girl would live out in the wilderness all of her life?" Well that night when the man came down to eat, he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had been lost for only 3 weeks, it had been many, many months without female companionship. And since the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather as well, they both could not keep their eyes off each other through- out the meal. That night the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time, but managed to keep the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to him- self, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience!" Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes to see a huge rock lying there. On the rock was a note saying, "1st worst Chinese torture test: 100 pound rock on your chest." "What a lame torture test", the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. As he let it go, he spied another note on the back of the rock. It stated, "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock is tied to your right testicle". The man seeing that the rock was too far gone to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. As he glances upward, he chances to see another note on the building saying, "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle is tied to bed post."

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