teamtroll2

Team Standards

The Standards, based as they are on the accomplishments of the ProtoTroll, are based on the unique ability of some racers to come that close to success while blowing it all in some truly bizarre or blindingly awful way. One such standard is a Painful Red Light Ability, where a Team Member demonstrates his ability to wait for the Semi-Finals or the Final Rounds before unveiling a series of .398/.399 red lights. Having, say, a tenth on the person you're racing at the time doesn't hurt either. Team Members also have demonstrated an cunning ability to alternate between such reactions and catching a few winks while waiting for the tree to start. While the Air Force's slogan may be "Aim High," (and, it goes without saying, "Don't Auger In"), Team Troll's version would probably be more like "Aim."

Examples of Team Troll Etiquette

Despite rumors of gross indecencies and fragrant... uh, make that flagrant disregard for their fellow racers, Team Members have always put sportsmanship ahead of all else. Except for money. And maybe food. And... never mind. As an example, when Unc had the misfortune to spill an entire bottle of lighter fluid in his, shall we say, groin area, he had the good taste to call for a "pants break" while he flailed around, pouring cups of water into his trousers. Another example is Team Member Chuck "Silent Death" White: Chuck constantly takes great pains to avoid audibly distracting fellow racers at the starting line, choosing instead to silently "make his mark," so to speak.

Evolution of the Team Troll Motto

The current Team Troll Official Motto, "Any Track, Any Class, Any Time" has evolved from earlier versions. The first, "We'll Find A Way To Lose," based on early Team performance with superior equipment, evolved into the classic "Ubi Est Meum?," Latin for, roughly, "Where's Mine?" It then progressed to "Where's Chuck?" during Chuck's legendary counter-leaning days. After brief pauses as "Beat Berghardt!" (a long, ugly story), "This Is Boring - Let's Go Eat", and "It Costs HOW Much!!!", the Team arrived at its current Motto. And aren't you glad you asked?

Membership Criteria

Membership in Team Troll is by invitation only; current Members select distinguished fellow racers for a Special Introductory Membership (one of the seventy-three levels new probationary Members must attain), and proceed apace. For example, Unc's introduction to Semi Grand High Exalted Junior Member status consisted of one complex trial question: "We're hungry. Let's go eat. Got any money?" Tom Douglas' FNG Member status trial question consisted of "Wow! You do nice stuff! Would you paint some bodies for us? Please? Pleeeeeeze?" (followed by lots of whining and sniveling). Needless to say, Tom's progress through the levels to Full Member status was, uh, rapid.

Like the Marines and some of our alternative-lifestyle friends, Team Troll is always looking for a few good men. If you think you can live up (or down, depending on your point of view) to the standards the Team sets, e-mail Unc for details on how you can begin experiencing the abus... er, esteem that being a Troll confers!