Retreat into Hell
By Sarah
Notes: Triple negatives are fun. :P Oh, and all thoughts on Iron Chef are in the point of view of Monsieur Chef. This is not how I feel. Iron Chef is shibby! It rocks!
But to Monsieur Chef it is pure evil.
Part 2B
Only when it was four in the morning did Nezu realize she had been going in the opposite direction. Chicken trucks made more progress than they let on.
So now, she was immersed in hay, trying to cover her face with a handkerchief to keep her allergies from kicking up. It wasn't working, and along with this agony, she knew a phone call was in due.
Which was why she wasn't surprised when the black telephone appeared next to her.
* * * * * * * * * *
"Come on, let's go." Yaten tugged at the reins of the horse grazing in the field, only to be ignored by the animal. This was new... nobody had never not responded to him before. This... this was unacceptable. "Hey, you. I said, 'let's go'."
He yanked the reins again, careful to stay out of the way of the stallion's hoofs. Yaten had refused to ride it, afraid that if he fell off his million-dollar face would not be even worth a cent, and THAT meant the only thing left in his life was enough time to commit suicide.
He didn't have any idea why he was even agreeing to do any of this for the old man. He just found himself doing it, which sucked, because griping didn't do a damn thing except make him feel better in a pessimistic kind of way. And when he was feeling better in a pessimistic kind of way, optimism seemed like a stupid illusion with no point, and those who were optimistic were stupid and had no point to their life, which meant he was better than them. And if he was better than them, then negativity was far superior than positiveness.
Yaten WOULD be feeling superior right now if it wasn't for the fact the stallion was being a butt monkey. That meant the dumb animal was in a pessimistic mood, and THAT meant they were equal, and that was not a good thing. No one, least of all a stupid horse, should be equal to Yaten Kou!
"Listen to me! Move!"
The stallion neighed, tossing its head as if in a nod, and smiling with satisfaction Yaten began to walk back towards the stables. The only problem was the horse wasn't moving with him. In fact, it wasn't moving at all.
Yaten turned on the horse and jabbed a finger in its direction. "You. Will. Obey."
The horse merely sneezed, sending a wave of snot to crash into Yaten's face. There was a silence as Yaten delicately wiped the disgusting gunk from eyes and mouth, his eyebrows raised in mild surprise. The horse snickered, and Yaten's little friends came to his aid.
"Oh! You poor thing! Horse snot stains!" cried the little Yaten on his right shoulder, adjusting her halo and Gucci robes.
"I say kill it," said the vixen Yaten on his left shoulder, making sure nothing was out of place in her blood red Versaci mini bikini. "The dumb thing might as well be put out of its misery."
"That's a horrible thing to say!" cried Angel Yaten. "Completely inhumane! How could you think of such a thing?"
"Hey," said the vixen as she leaned into Yaten's ear, ignoring the angel. "We're experienced in this. No biggy. You're a Sailor soldier, you've killed more than your share of living beings."
"That was in SELF DEFENSE," sobbed the angel. "You've never killed anything out of blood lust!"
"But it would feel SO good right now, wouldn't it?"
Yaten's eyes narrowed as the stallion's seemed to glow a bright red. Evil creature. Evil.
"Who ruined your Yumero Suzume shirt? Eh? Eh?"
His... shirt... his Yumero Suzume shirt made from a pale pale green that could only be detected next to white. This shirt he had coddled so, had washed with his OWN hands, made sure not a drop of WATER hit it.
What was he THINKING when he wore this? Wait... he hadn't been thinking. All his thoughts had been absorbed by...
"There we go," said the vixen. "SHE'S the one to blame. SHE made you wear that shirt."
"I HATE HER! I HATE HER!"
He dragged his snotty fingers through his snotty hair in rage and started hopping around, venting his anger, circling the puzzled horse. Anybody watching would have thought he was dancing for a paegan sacrificial ceremony... which in a way he was.
Unfortunately, he wasn't looking where he was going and stepped on something squishy. Yaten stopped cold.
"Oh no," gasped the angel.
Something squishy... something smelly... something on his new shoes.
"Um..." said the vixen. "This is where we'll be going now."
"Yup. Bye!"
And they were gone.
"I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!!" he screamed, and lunged at the horse, but the horse whinnied and began to gallop down the trail toward the open stables, leaving Yaten to grasp at air and fall to the hard, mushy ground.
A day owl hooted as if to mock him. Yaten pressed his lips together firmly so as not make a sound. Lying there on the ground, hair full of icky nose gel, face dirty, shirt ruined, shoes ruined, pants ruined, Yaten was in the worst of pessimistic moods.
Which meant he was superior.
* * * * * * * * * *
"...What do you think of leather bikinis?"
Mariko blushed furiously, and lowered her head before asking, "You didn't go into my room when I wasn't there, did you?"
Taiki blinked. "No! I would never violate the privacy of a lady's chambers. Never."
Mariko sighed in relief, and smiled briefly before frowning. "Then why are you asking?"
It was Taiki's turn to blush once he realized she had NO idea what she was talking about.
"N-no reason..."
"You don't... wear--"
"What?!" He started giggling hysterically. "Me? SEIYA'S the one who wears leather."
"Seiya? Really?"
"I swear to you it's the truth."
"Really... I never would have guessed..."
"I... I was just wondering because Seiya seemed pretty interested... and if, well, anything were to happen, you'd have to know, because, obviously, this is a very... delicate situation."
"He wears... leather bikinis."
"Interesting, isn't it?"
"Mm." There was a silence as she frowned for a few moments. Finally she looked outside and remembered their situation. "Oh! The bees! Come on, we have to work quickly. We only have a couple hours until our break."
"A couple... hours?"
"I know," she said. "Not a lot of time. Come on, let's get going."
Taiki groaned as Mariko dragged him out of the little shed and towards his impending doom.
* * * * * * * * * *
MONSIEUR CHEF'S STORY... WITHOUT THE ANNOYING LINGUISTICS.
You see, I am a master chef, a chef known throughout the world (besides all you uncultured children) for being able to cook with anything and everything.
You want me to cook wood stew? I have four recipes. You want me to make you caterpillar pasta? I've done it a thousand times. Let's not get into the fact that I can create the exact metallic taste of metal out of a little flour and vinegar.
So, you see it was inevitable that Iron Chef would call and invite me to be on the International contest. I was honored and annoyed at the same time. They should have invited me sooner. I thought maybe they were just looking into my background, trying to find my one weakness. And, as it turned out, they had. I have but one weakness. One. And I had kept it hidden from the world for as long as I could remember until that one day.
So I came to Japan. I am a risk taker at heart, you see. This show would be nothing at all. It would be too boring. I would be done in minutes. It would be effortless. I needed excitement.
I was to compete against Sakai. This would be even easier, since he was the chef who specializes in French cuisine. Ha. To think they could believe ANY of them could beat me, least of all Sakai. How foolish they are. Ha. I laugh at them even now. Ha. Ha ha.
So I bet all my savings on this contest, in favor of myself, of course... I was a little drunk, so sue me. Wait, I take that back.
You must know, I was not in my right mind that next morning. I had a hang over. Damn Japanese alcohol. I was not in my prime. But that does not matter. Even if I was dying of a terrible disease that dissolved my bones, I could win this match with BOTH hands tied behind my back, and using only my kneepits. Believe me, kneepits are very useful things.
The lights were a little too bright. That was nothing. I could win blind. And maybe the color scheme gave me a headache. That was nothing. I could win even if I was having a seizure. So the MC was making me nauseous with his glittering dressing gown. That was nothing. I could win even if I was vomiting out my intestines. All this was nothing.
What was not nothing was the secret ingredient. Those bastards. They cheated! They used my one weakness. They used my Chu-chus.
You see, I am quite fond of the snail, of the Chu-chu. I am captivated by its shell, by the way it moves, by the trail of wet slime it makes as it goes from point A to point B. You think me insane. I think me passionate.
You can imagine my surprise when that naesiating disco ball full of little snails came lowering down in front of me. My little babies! My children! You think I am capable of murder?
I did the one thing humane. I rescued them. I grabbed the disco ball and made a dash to the exit. Those puny guards were no match for Monsieur Chef! I carried them with me out of the building.
So I released them. How was I to know they were not fast enough to dodge oncoming cars? Chu-chus are super-human. They have special powers. Perhaps they were too mortified at the prospect of people wanting to eat them to use their magic powers.
It was tragic. It was a disaster. I will never forgive myself for my folly. All those sweet, innocent snails dashed on the streets of Tokyo. It was only until the old fart told me they were dead to begin with that I had any peace, and it took weeks for me to believe I had not committed homicide.
I lost the bet. I had nothing. The show sued me on grounds of sabotage and not fulfilling the contract. I then had even less.
I was a broken man. I was homeless. My wife left me for the animal rights activist down the street. Ha. He only uses his job as a way to get women. I laugh at him. Ha ha.
I did not want to face my country. I was a disgrace. So I stayed in Japan. And the old fart took me in. I will never forget his hospitality, but I cannot stand him. He does not appreciate me.
All those Chu-chus... what a terrible, tragic nightmare.
* * * * *
"So THAT'S why it was a rerun last month."
"Oui."
"Wow."
"Oui."
"You... don't happen to keep one around do you?"
"In facht, I du."
Minako was not prepared to have a slug immediately fill her vision. So she did the one thing she could think of. She screamed, and slapped the thing away from her.
Soft chamber music seemed to fill the room as the little Chu-chu flew in mid air towards the direction of the stove. Time slowed down. Minako's eyes went wide.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Monsieur Chef pummeled towards the stove. But it was too late. The Chu-chu plopped right into the boiling water. Monsieur Chef fell to his knees. Minako knew this was her last day on Earth.
She ran to the water, grabbed a large wooden spoon and tried fishing out the shelled slug, but with the rolling water, it was impossible to see.
She turned off the heat, and finally, she could see the small brown shape amongst the red. Was there enough time? She brought the snail up out of the water, and dropped it into Monsieur Chef's hands.
"Chu-chu! Breathe! Breathe!"
Tears misted her eyes. If only Usagi had been here. She could have at least henshined and healed the poor thing. Minako wouldn't have been able to do anything. That's right. At least Usagi could fix things. Minako only destroyed.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered as Monsieur Chef gave the poor thing CPR. "Truly... I didn't mean..."
"MAH BABY!!" He looked up at her, his cheeks lined with tears... and yet he was smiling. He was beaming. "MY CHU-CHU ES ALIHVE!"
"Wha-what?"
"AYHE TOHLD YU CHU-CHUS HAHVE MAHGIC POWERS!"
"Right..." She sighed. "Look, I am SO sorry about what happened. I didn't know..."
His eyes turned to steel. Minako shut her mouth.
* * * * * * * * * *
"So?"
"So what?"
"What do you think?"
"About the Beegees?"
"Yeah, man! Can't you just groove to this?"
"Um... I guess."
"You are such a party pooper."
"Sorry."
Seiya rolled his eyes and sighed in exasperation. "You don't have ANY fun, do you?"
"What? Of course I do."
"I don't think so."
"Look," San said, narrowing his eyes. "I don't need YOU telling whether or not I can groove to the Beegees."
"Well, what can you groove to?"
San was silent for a moment before popping out the tape, inserting another, and pressing play. Seiya's eyes bulged out of their sockets.
"You think 'Rubber Ducky' is groove worthy?!"
San turned a shade of bright bright red.
"H-How did this get here? I don't know what this is! It has to be one of Mariko's when she was a kid."
He started to pop the tape out, but Seiya stopped him, and started to dance in his seat, flapping his arms.
"No way! This rocks! Come on, sing with me, San!"
"..."
"Rubber Ducky, you're the ONE!
You make bath time
Lots of FUN!""...Rubber Ducky, your my very best friend...
it's true! Rubber Ducky...
I...""LOVE..."
"YOU!"
The song moved on to "It's Not Easy Being Green", and San had to grin at Seiya's antics.
"Hey, where'd you get those fangs?"
"These?" He ran his tongue over them, and shrugged. "I've always had these."
"Makes you look..." San paled as Seiya frowned, trying to find the right word. A light bulb went off and he snapped his fingers. "I know! It makes you look wolf-ish!"
"Wool fish?"
Seiya shook his head groaning. "We REALLY need to work on your sense of humor. That was just bad."
San chuckled.
"What IS it about you?" San flushed as Seiya peered at him. "I mean, one minute you're all Prince Charming, and then you're Iceman from Top Gun, threatening everybody if you lay a hand on your 'partner'--"
"Seiya, that's enough."
"Do you just hate other guys?"
"I hate those whose lives are centered around lies."
Seiya was quiet for a moment.
"Hate is such a harsh word."
San growled.
"And how do your eyes change color like that?"
San looked in the rear view mirror. "It has to do with my mood."
"I want a pair of mood eyes."
"It sucks when you're trying to conceal your emotions."
"Like when you don't want to admit you like me?"
San was quiet.
"Come on... admit it. You like me."
"Don't push yourself, pretty boy."
"I'm PRETTY now! Aww, you melt my heart."
San groaned. Seiya laughed.
* * * * * * * * * *
The two hours flew by... or crawled at an achingly slow pace depending on the person.
For Seiya it went by slow when he had to work or when he thought about his stomach, and went fast when he got to groove to the Muppets. For San it went slow when he had to groove and sped up when working on the forest.
For Mariko, time went by too fast, though they were able to clean out the hives before two. For Taiki, the bees went fast while time seemed to like to torture HIM, and turned his body to stone. He couldn't run, but he had to move, and in his nervous state, he wasn't acting exactly graceful.
Furui was stuck in timelessness to begin with so he had no problem spouting Zen philosophy to Yaten as the soiled boy fed each koi in the koi pond individually.
To Monsieur Chef time slowed down as he cuddled his Chu-chu and ordered Minako around. To her, time went too fast... and by the end of the first hour, Monsieur Chef got so aggravated he threw out all of her "food", and just did everything on his own.
Thus when the clock struck two, everybody returned to the main house, hunger, tired, dirty, and grooved out... all except Yaten.
*I can't go back looking like this!* he sobbed to himself. *They'll never live it down.*
So as Furui-sama jigged down the path to the main house, Yaten cut through some bushes and decided to walk aimlessly until he reached Furui-sama's area. That's where you always ended up anyway. Seriously, he had tried running away countless times, only to find himself right where Furui had wandered to. Weird. He didn't like this mini version of Osho.
* * * * * * * * * *
"Aaaaah," sighed Seiya as he interlaced his fingers and pressed his chin into the flesh weave. "This smells so GOOD!"
Monsieur Chef began to cry in appreciation.
"Hey," said Minako. "Where's Yaten?"
"Running away," said Furui as he poked a steaming hot crab with his pinky. "He doesn't want anybody to see him in his disarrayed state. This looks AWFUL, Itamae-san."
The chef began to sputter.
"Maybe I should go look for him," Minako said, pretending to sound wistful. Inside, though, her stomach was turning to mush. *Perfect!! Nobody around. Just me and Yaten in the forest, trees surrounding us with no one being able to see. He'll kiss me, I'll him, then we'll kiss and--*
"He should be by the river. Just follow the path, you can't miss it."
"GREAT! See ya guys!" And disappeared with a squeal.
"That girl is WEIRD," said Seiya, before grabbing a plate. Taiki nodded in agreement. "Look, I'm starving, and if I know Aino-kun at all, she'll be keeping him busy for a while, so can we just dig in?"
"Yes!" cried Furui, and everybody sat down and filled their plates with food, munching with abandon.
There was silence as they ate, too hungry to do anything but inhale crab, rice, and salad, but over his crab sandwich (which Monsieur Chef wrinkled his nose at in disgust), Seiya observed the seating arrangements.
Furui was at the head of the table, of course. That wasn't what interested him, though. What he noticed was Mariko and San.
They sat together, shoulders nearly touching, and yet they didn't seem to notice... well, Mariko didn't anyway. He knew for a fact San had a thing going on for her, and yet he didn't seem to make a big deal out of their intimacy. They were probably joined at the hip all day, he surmised. *Our reservations must have disturbed that. The more people, the less they need to work together.*
He wondered what Odango atama was doing right now, whether she was thinking of him... or her Mamo-chan. *What would it be like if she and I were a "duo"? Would I just get used to the intimacy? Or would I have to hide my feelings?*
He didn't quite understand what it would feel like. He was with the guys 24/7, but it's not like he had any *special* feelings for them... ick. And Kakyuu...? His heart ached for her, wondering where she was, how she was doing. He felt kind of guilty for think of her in a situation like this. But what was the point? She was the princess. Their duo was about sovereign and protector.
But Odango...
Seiya's eyes met with San's briefly, and he could tell with a shudder San knew EXACTLY what he was thinking. Creepy. Man, that boy was scary. But he still had to wonder. What was Odango doing right now?
* * * * * * * * * *
Dear Mamo-chan,
How are things in America? Good, I hope.
It's been different around Juuban lately with Minako-chan gone. That's right, she left the group for a few days with the Three Lights. Remember the idol band I was talking about? The one with Seiya Kou? Well, those are the guys she went with.
Nothing's really been the same with her gone. Well, actually, that's not true. Thing's HAVE been pretty much the same. It's just been a lot quieter. Well, actually, that's not true either. Let me just tell you everything.
Ami-chan's been REALLY harsh with me about studying! It's not fair! I mean, when Minako was here, at least she evened out all of her math drilling between us. I'm afraid of her now. But don't let her know that, okay?
I think Rei-chan's gotten bit by the jealousy bug bad. I don't know what it is, but she had been really sneaky ever since Mina-chan got that job as an assistant to the Three Lights, hanging around her house, and making sure she was with Mina whenever the band had an appointment where they needed her. When Haruka-san and the others came over to talk about what we were going to do, Rei-chan acted very mature and calm. It was only when they left that Rei showed her true feelings. I was afraid she was going to rip out her hair, she was so angry! And you know how much she takes out her anger on me! My odangos are perfect for tugging on! If only you were here to protect me.
Makoto-chan seems the most normal out of the three right now, even though she mutters about Taiki-kun a lot. I think that's making Ami-chan even more harsh. Why am I always the punching bag? I'm a princess!
I miss you, Mamo-chan. I wear the ring you gave me even when I sleep. I'll never take it off, I promise you. I just wish I could have given you something in return. When you get back, let's go eat at a nice restaurant, okay? Just you and me.
Please write back this time.
I love you,
Usako
END PART 2B
Notes: Long live the Chu-chus!
Back | Next | Sailor Moon