The Only Internet Newsletter
that can talk without being serious
There has been something that has been bothering me since my first "girlfriend," that maniacal back-stabber. Not that there were any hard feelings. But on a side note, I thank God the tiger put a hit out on her. But my problem isn't with her. The problem is with the talk.
Talk as defined in Webster's is a verb meaning to converse. However, somewhere in the history of man's evolution the word changed from simple verb to complicated noun. For example, when two men NEED to talk, one of them is usually a doctor and chances are that something good may come out of the conversation. So what is the change? Well, I think it happened when women got involved with the word. It could be possible that a man used talk as a noun first, but I'm almost positive that a woman was involved somehow. You are probably thinking that is a rather chauvinist thing to say, but think about it. Have you ever heard a guy proud of having a talk, unless it was with his fists and another guy was involved? Not even my father is proud of having a talk with me over budgeting money (who would be?). Women love talks. I don't know why but it gives them a sense of accomplishment or something. They chat about their talks to friends. They have great talks and long talks and talks about the future. And the talk could be the most meaningless dialogue ever, but at the same time it could be "the best talk" to them. And talks could be about anything. Most of the time they deal with relationships or something else that is a major annoyance. But the thing about talks is that at least one person has thought long and hard about what they are about to say and they have thought about the consequences. Remember when talking took less time to explain?
The importance of the talk is well documented in any relationship book, even the one's Dr. Laura writes (I found a whole chapter on it when I dug through her garbage the other night). What happened to the conversation? The talk has replaced the conversation as the more dominant in importance. You see, now people can have a discussion about anything including football, commercials, work, and even the meaning of shenanigans which is defined as both childish pranks (that are fun) and devious tricks (that are, well, evil). But when people have talks, the significance is raised higher than a heated argument about religion or the law or even the reason for existence. Kant and Socrates are rolling in their graves over this, I promise. I believe any exchange is important, even if you talk about how cool it would be if more dogs knew how to drive or the concepts of cold fusion. The conversation is a basic form of communication and when you need to have a talk with someone, it just seems like you don't communicate very well normally. Then when things build up, you need to throw a huge event celebrating a normal conversation, ergo, the talk. It seems silly. Just come out and say it. Society dictates that we should hold everything back until an appropriate time and place. Screw that. There is no time like the present. In the words of the great poets, Van Halen, "Right Here, Right Now!" It is a pretty simple thing to say exactly what you are thinking. Hell, I do it all the time. Hmm, maybe that's why I'm still single.
In truth, I never did have a "talk" with my first girlfriend. After dating her for two days, I realized my friends were right about her and then I just stopped calling and hanging out with her. Then two weeks later, she came up to me and told me it was over. Yeah, you aren't the only one imagining it. I thought she was a little dense, too. But at least I avoided the talk. If this sounds a little familiar, Dr. Laura's Monday night caller Earl from Michigan wasn't me. No really. I was James for Albuquerque that made a "little" mistake. And now my disclaimer . . .
At least one search engine has got it right. This week it was discovered that Google has made a fatal error in judgement. When one searches for "dumb mother f***er" (substitute *** with letters K, U, C in the proper order), a list of websites comes up headed up by the George W. Bush Store. Really, I'm not joking.
Google has no idea how this happened. I could venture a guess if it would help anyone. The search engine has since changed the criteria for the search so now only dirty or South Park websites will appear.
The scarier message behind all of the search engine mishaps is really about the President (-elect). For some unknown reason, Bush has tons of products on this website. You can get a George W. Bush mug or T-shirt for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling. It is just frightening!
The debacle over the search engine was solved with a couple of key strokes by the Bush Store Webmaster. When asked for a comment on the mistake, George W. said, "I can't believe they called me a mother fur. I don't know what that means but my mother doesn't wear fur!" An aide later explained it to him.
California Governor Gray Davis has a lot to worry about. And I'm not talking about the energy crisis. Arnold Schwarzenegger has set down a political challenge to the Governor to fix the problems of the sunny, celebrity-filled state or he will run for the highest state office. The threat alone should scare everyone in California into moving.
The Terminator was reading an article last week about the poor handling of California's problems by the governor and became so enraged that the blood vessel in his forehead actually turned into a tumor. He immediately called the reporter that wrote the article. While talking with the reporter, Schwarzenegger said he may follow in the footsteps of another actor, Ronald Reagan, and run for the Governor's office. And then when Arnold gets older maybe he can walk into walls and talk to bookcases, too. The Running Man is involved in politics currently and is related through marriage to a great political group, the Kennedy family. If the Eraser wins the election for governor of California, he would be the second actor from the movie Predator to be governor of a state. The first is Jesse Ventura. But at least Arnold made it through the whole movie and beat up the bad guy. And yes, he did say, "If Davis doesn't keep his promises, I'll be back."
A few weeks ago, the Statesman reported on a mystery in Antarctica, penguins falling over while watching planes or helicopters fly over head. Through our crack team of investigative reporters, we have uncovered the truth about the case of the toppling penguins. It appears they are actually giving the planes the bird. I guess they are a little bitter about the whole not-being-able-to-fly thing.
The British Antarctic Survey has released the study on the penguin behavior. Leave it to Britain to find out all the interesting stuff first. Richard Stone, the scientist studying the flightless birds, said that the birds act very instinctual when a helicopter or plane flies overhead. They stop vocalization and many of the juvenile penguins (those not associated with nests) run away from the nose. They do not venture far because they return within a few minutes, when the plane is out of audible range. Planes and helicopters are routinely used in Antarctica not only to drive penguins crazy but to bring supplies in and to conduct studies. The penguins are really just a cool side effect. Stone and other researchers are still investigating if there are other behavior effects from the flying machines. A comprehensive report is scheduled for later this year.
Regis has found a suitable replacement for Kathie Lee. Bathing suitable that is. The ABC weekday morning show LIVE has finally found a co-host for Regis Philbin. Kelly Ripa from ABC's soap opera All My Children will be taking the loud-mouth's position. And the male viewing audience couldn't be happier.
The search for a permanent partner for Regis had been going on since Kathie Lee left the show in July of last year. Some notable co-hosts were Jenna from CBS' Survivor, Cindy Crawford, and Regis' own wife, Joy. Wow, that's got to suck. He doesn't even have chemistry with his own wife on television. Yeah, he's not hearing about that at home. Ripa has co-hosted the show ten times before and will start the new gig on February 12th, when the show will be called LIVE with Regis and Kelly. Both Kelly and Regis will be continuing their other shows, All My Children and Millionaire. So what can we expect from the new show? The producers say that there will be plenty of meaningless babbling, no singing, and lots of bathing suit and lingerie modeling . . . by Regis, of course.
I guess I've talked long enough.
Okay, now the scores: 34-7, 15-0, 12-0, and 2. That's the news and I am outta here . . .