The Unwanted Statesman

that's got the Motts

Not Funny

I've officially hit an all time low. I've had writer's block before, been sick, and even stranded in White Plains, NY for a week. But this time something is different. I believe this time I've truly lost something close to me. Something that is more priceless than the love of a mother for her child. Something more intangible than the gigantic chocolate chip cookie at the bakery. Something bigger than puppy love and more powerful than oxen. I think I lost my sense of humor.

Now to most of you, a sense of humor may just be taken for granted like underwear. Everyday you chuckle about some nonsense and it makes you feel better, more secure like wearing underwear. But say you forget to put on the underwear in the morning. You walk around all day and you know people are looking. Hell, I'd be looking and then I'd wonder what the heck was wrong with you. Why aren't you wearing underwear? Is it laundry day? Don't you feel the breeze? At least put something over it. I don't want to see that while I'm eating my hot dog and sauerkraut. Cover it with a napkin or something. And for God's sake, don't sit down! Losing your sense of humor is just like that, well, sort of like that. You feel the pressure of finding something irresistibly funny and when you don't, you get paranoid. You get paranoid of everything. You get scared that nothing will ever be funny again. No one will ever trip. No one will ever have gas in the elevator. Old people will serve a purpose. And you can eat a hot dog at a fast food restaurant without worrying if that freak with the nose ring stuck it in his zipper to get a laugh out of the barely sixteen year-old cashier that is only earning spending money to go away for Spring Break with the rest of her ditzy cheerleader friends that all have better pictures on their fake IDs than your picture on the real thing. No, not even that would be amusing to someone that lost their sense of humor.

It is time to place blame where it is due. And I can find only one thing to blame my lost sense of humor on. Sure, I could blame society, because there is always something funny about the idiocy of human nature. Or I could blame my sex life . . . if I could ever find it. Hey, women are definitely a good source to lay blame on when you can't find any other scapegoats, but mainly because other guys will always agree that Eve is to blame for us being so stupid. But this time I must blame Coca-Cola, always. I've given up Coke for two weeks. Now coming from someone that drank a 12 oz. can of Coke 3 times a day, it is a big challenge. Think of it like giving up water, pizza, beer, coffee, cigarettes, sex, television, email, living, etc. Hey, it is difficult. It is really difficult in the morning and while watching television. I'm used to having a cold one in my hand and whenever I get frustrated at the morons of CNN I'd take a big swig. Now, I squeeze a little yellow stress ball, which, I'm sorry to say, is not at all satisfying. You just want the ball to stay squished and not go back to the normal size, but, no, it's on a different agenda. So I took it into work and stabbed it with a letter opener. Yes, Coke is to blame for me losing my sense of humor. But maybe I can get hooked on juice. What am I saying!

So, I guess we are all struggling through this arduous time. Not being able to laugh really sucks. I'm going to go get an apple juice or something. Apple juice is kind of funny, right? Great! Why don't I start packing chocolate pudding in my A-team lunch box, too! What am I in Kindergarten? There has to be some sort of adult drink out there besides Coke, right? And now my disclaimer . . .

	The Unwanted Weather Report Click here to see the Weather in your area.	The Ignorant Amuse yourself with some great games and websites right here.
The Giant Pandas at the National Zoo The Panda House at the National Zoo opened on January 10th, 2001. If you would like more info or would like to see pictures, streaming live video, or video archives please visit the zoo's Panda Website. Giant Pandas at Smithsonian National Zoo If you would like to help the Giant Pandas Survive in the wild, visit . . . Get Involved for the Pandas If you have any additional questions about the Giant Pandas, email pandas@fonz.org	Nothing New Sorry no special interest stories this week. Nothing terribly interesting happened, unless you think the President unveiling his tax plan in exciting. If you do, then you may be interested in the Jerry Lewis festival in France this weekend.
"I Have No Clue Who This Guy Is" The President is under investigation by Congress. Oh, wait, that's Clinton. I thought he was still in office. Who's Bush? XFL Needs a Big, Wet, Sloppy . . . Hug? The XFL has been billed as anything but the NFL. The start-up football league that claims to be the blue-collar version of the National Football League just with more sex and violence is having ratings problems. In its first week, the XFL claimed 5.8 in the ratings war (compared to the NFL's usual 12.0-19.5). However, the XFL has been beaten down like a two-dollar whore in Mike Tyson's hotel room since its first week and is now claiming only 2.6 in the ratings. Many of the sponsors are having questions about the league's popularity, and early this week one sponsor even dropped from the league. NBC still has high hopes for the football league and claims that it will eventually get a following just like the Worldwide Wrestling Federation (WWF). But most trailer trash, Jerry Springer wannabes only have one television in their shanty towns, and, well, that may not help the XFL.

Anyone have sixty cents? I need a Coke bad. Look, my hands are shaking.

Okay, now the scores: 88-69, 89-85, 43-38, and 3. That's the news and I am outta here . . .