The Unwanted Statesman

that is pitiful

Pity Me?

I have come to notice something very strange. It is a feeling that many people have. Most of them are no longer single. It is worse than love and more painful than hate. It is pity. And lately, people have been pitying me. So what better topic to discuss than me.

Now if you want to know why people pity me, your guess is as good as mine. I know why my parents pity me. They think I need a girlfriend to be happy. You might think that, too. Who says I'm not happy? And who says I need a girlfriend for that? There are very few things a man needs in his life: food, beer, money, sleep, and shelter. Notice headaches didn't make the list. But seriously, who came up with the idea that you need a significant other? When you're out in the wild and barely surviving, would you rather have your significant other there, than a glass of water? Yeah, you say that now but wait until you are actually in that position. You'll be demanding that water, maybe a dry place to crash, too. Need means that there is some desperate demand that has to be fulfilled or something awful is going to happen. For instance, if you are still in school, you need to take your final exam or you might fail. Or maybe you're at work, and you need to finish those reports or releases, or your boss will get mad and fire you. What is the horrible consequence awaiting me if I don't have a girlfriend? I may be single for the rest of my life, never have to change a diaper, never have to answer the question "Do I look fat in this?" and, possibly, never have a responsibility to anyone but myself. Hmmm . . .

The arguments that I hear about getting a girlfriend are, to me, ridiculous. When I ask the question, "Why do I need one?" the common answer is to have someone to share everything with all the time. What? Do I not share? Am I some greedy bastard that wants to hoard everything from everyone I know? No, I just hoard some of the things. You're welcome to the worthless stuff. And isn't that statement a little degrading? I'd like to think that women are worth more than just being able to share stuff with. Hell, I could share stuff with my crawfish if she really wanted any of my crap. And yet the number one answer says that women are no better than my lonely crustacean. The even better reason for me to get a girlfriend is to get someone for me to open up to , right? Yeah, like anyone wants to listen to my problems. I write this damn newsletter and I know only half of you read it. And if I ever get the urge to open up to someone, I'll get a shrink. A girlfriend or significant other has to be worth more than a $1.19 crawfish and $100 visit to the couch. At least give me a good reason, like the world will end tomorrow if I don't have a girlfriend or maybe I'll spontaneously combust. Why is it so damn important for me to get a girlfriend? So more people can talk about her behind her back than me? Or maybe it is because you are afraid I'm going to be a third or fifth wheel. If you aren't comfortable with just me, what makes you think you are going to be comfortable with me and some stranger? And hey, my choice in women has not, to date, been good. Matter of fact, I had my head up my ass on a couple of those decisions. A double date with me could be a nightmare.

So don't feel pity for me because I don't have a girlfriend. I'm sure at some point in my life someone will come along and when she does, I'll date her because I want to, not because I need to. Plus, there are plenty of other good reasons to pity me, my hair, for instance. Let's not forget how pitiful my car is. What about this newsletter? It just begs pity. And now my disclaimer . . .

	The Unwanted Weather Report Click here to see the Weather in your area.	The Ignorant Amuse yourself with some great games and websites right here.
The Giant Pandas at the National Zoo The Panda House at the National Zoo opened on January 10th, 2001. If you would like more info or would like to see pictures, streaming live video, or video archives please visit the zoo's Panda Website. Giant Pandas at Smithsonian National Zoo If you would like to help the Giant Pandas Survive in the wild, visit . . . Get Involved for the Pandas If you have any additional questions about the Giant Pandas, email pandas@fonz.org	Letters! Statesman, We heard today from a man who is very savvy about the economy, namely, Clark Howard, and he says that the gas prices are going to start going up again and will be high this summer-$2 and up. We need to do whatever we can, and do it NOW!!!! For the rest of this year, don't purchase gasoline from the two biggest companies (which now are one), namely EXXON and MOBIL. You see, if they are not selling, they should be inclined, (i.e.," forced"), to reduce their prices. And, because of their size, and hence market share, if they reduce their prices the other companies will too. They would HAVE no choice! Wow! What a brilliant idea! I've got an idea, too. Let's get Pepperidge Farm to lower its prices too by buying Wonder bread. Or buy an American car instead of foreign to get them to lower the prices. In the long history of bad ideas, this one has to be up there. The solution to ban the use of gasoline from one specific company is not the answer to lowering gas prices. What are you on crack? The solution is to be more fuel-efficient with your car. Use less! Limit those long trips this summer. Try to use public transportation. Oh yeah, remember the carpool? I just heard from, oh, about everyone that I work with who are very energy savvy people and they say gas prices will continue to rise. In 2003, they will reach three dollars and more. And Exxon/Mobil cannot control the fact that the world is running out of fossil fuels, so I suggest you try the radical conservation idea first. Dear Tiger, I am a single, attractive young woman and I enjoy showing my wild side. I find exciting guys irresistible. My dream date would be with a wild man who doesn't mind tutoring me in the art of love. Would you be interested in being my tutor? The tiger is a fictional character. How many times to I have to tell you people that? Dear Statesman, I am a first time mom with a 4 1/2 month old. It is time to begin solids but we are having a hard time getting him to swallow. He has given us all the signs of a baby ready to begin solids but he always makes awful faces when we try to feed him. Is it supposed to be this hard? Does it take a long time to get going? Help!!! Nobody said raising a kid would be easy, unless you've talked to that Spock guy. Vulcan bastard! You may need some extra tools to start your son with solids. I suggest a shovel. You whack him over the head and then shove the food down his throat. It works in the cartoons. No seriously, at four months kids usually cannot talk, but they can mimic and understand. The Jim Carey faces are to be expected with anything new like that poolman you had over to check the "plumbing." Yeah, the baby wasn't the only one making funny faces. But start with the cool things like cheese, and French fries(both should be cut up really small). Gerber also makes cookies for kids. All these are great, but you should be sure your son chews the food up before swallowing. And try eating at the same time as your son, so he can watch you and mimic. Your son really needs to start eating solids at around 6 months too get the iron. Fortified formula will only work for so long. But for now, try practicing with the cheese, cheerios, and French fries. And get the book What to Expect in the First Year. Oh and try writing someone that actually knows something about babies.