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that is . . . well, you know
Well, I've been gone for a while and in more ways than one. Personally, I thought it was just a case of being busy. But then I realized I don't even like my job enough to try to be busy. So after a lot of thought, a bottle of Bushmills and a six pack, I realized that I may just be depressed . . . or drunk. What a haunting thought! Depression is a serious situation. I mean I heard the commercials on the radio. Lack of sleep, nausea, strong anxiety, lack of motivation, laziness, and fatigue, try Zantac! So the tiger drove me to the hospital, because I was not really feeling like driving myself the two miles to the hospital.
After filling out 50 copies of what I thought was the exact same insurance form, the receptionist told me to sit and wait for the next available doctor. Now apparently, depression isn't a high priority. During my 3 hour wait for a doctor, I saw and heard some of the weirdest sites and sounds imaginable. Siting across from me was another depression patient. She was a real wacko. All she did was cry. She said that no one cared what she thought and that there was no reason to live, or something like that. I stopped paying attention after I heard her say her boyfriend dropped her off. And what is with the smell of hospitals. It smells either like urine or ammonia. The nausea isn't from being depressed. It's from smelling pee fumes for a half hour and realizing the closest bathroom is downstairs. You'd think with the money my insurance company is going to reluctantly cough up, they might invest in a few Glade Plug-ins. If Mr. Rothchild wants his oxygen tank on, he's going to have to make it to the bathroom. I'm sorry but if it is his life for a Hawaiian Breeze instead of Urine Fresh, well, the Man upstairs is going to have to make some room. I work in a zoo and it smells better in the humid, hot summer than a hospital. But if the smell doesn't get to you the sounds will. While I was there, I swear I heard a jackhammer in the operating room, or it was my heart racing when I heard the receptionist say, "Sir, a doctor is coming out to see you know."
By the time the doctor got to me, the nurses had already taken my blood pressure, drew blood, weighed me, measured my inseam, and fitted me for a male brassiere. I now have all the respect in the world for the A-cup. Then the doctor came in to ask me a few questions. I've never understood questions that come from doctors. I always thought they were smart, so what's with the questions. And some of them are the dumbest questions in the world. "So why do you think you're depressed?" Why do you think you're a doctor? I've been waiting for 3 hours for you to ask me what I think is wrong with me? I'm insane in the membrane. What other kind of person would wait around to be physically assaulted by women in white that have absolutely no interest in sex but remember your BP is 130/90? "Do you feel you have suicidal tendencies?" Only when I listen to the Titanic Soundtrack. "Are you single?" Yes, unless you are a man or an ugly woman, then my heart belongs to the woman whose picture is in my wallet. "Do you have any pets?" A crawfish that doesn't want to be bothered by the troubles of the outer world. "Do you belong to a gym or have a work out schedule?" Do you have $90 for me to belong to a gym? I never thought being healthy would cost so much. After Q&A time was done and we got to know "Our Depressed Patient," the doctor asked if I just wanted to take some prescription drugs that might help with my ailment. I told him I was a strong believer in the Just Say No campaign unless it was administered with a rusty needle found on the shores of Delaware. So he said, I should try to go to sleep earlier, get a real pet, and do some more outdoor activities or join a gym. I was just lazy not depressed. Apparently, that symptom is common with single men ages 18 to 85. Who knew?
So now that I've licked the depression bug and tasted its salty, sandpaper backside, I am proud to say that I am feeling better than usual. Its sunny outside and I'm gonna get out there . . . and clean my gutters. The tiger has been nagging me to do it for weeks. And now my disclaimer . . .
Statesman,
How long has it been since your partner said: I want you soo bad ??
Trouble is, with all the daily pressures and lack of time, very few couples are in the mood by the time the day is through. This is one reason why Viagra sales have skyrocketed. Now there is Lady Vi, the sexual stimulant for women.
You have to be kidding. The last time I heard a woman say, "I want you soo bad," she was looking at a chocolate cheesecake in the frozen foods section of the grocery store.
Dear Tiger,
I told my best guy friend over email that I had a crush on him. This is true, but now I regret it because I know he will be freaked out and I think I made my move too soon. I don't think he'll ever talk to me again. HELP!
This is a major problem with friends of the opposite sex. And it is pretty hard when a women says she has a crush on you after you've been friends for a long time. Why? Well, the main reason is that you have trusted this woman for a very long time and have told them everything about yourself. To find out late in the game that she actually has a crush on you is really hard to come to terms with. So basically, you have scared this guy off. From now on, when he thinks about you or talks with you, his mind is going to be on sex. And not the good thoughts about sex. He is going to think that you have kept the friendship with him just to get in bed with him. I know your thinking that is ridiculous. But it is what most "freaked out" men think. So what do you do? First, re-establish contact. If he never wants to talk to you again, then he isn't worth the friendship or the crush, the big jerk. Then you have to realize that there is nothing wrong with you and your feelings. Most people forget about this and immediately apologize for admitting their feelings. This shows that you are not really sure what you feel and that you are a pushover. Not to mention, that apologizing damages your self-esteem. Then you are going to have to have "the talk" with him which is almost as painful as a root canal. Make sure he understands that the friendship is the most important thing. And if none of that works, throw bologna on his car and leave town.
Dear Statesman,
Hi, my question is this: There's this lady I'm in love with, I keep doing everything I can to get her to like me (love letters, poems, everything). She just says that I'm really sweet. What do I have to do?
Make lots of money, look like Brad Pitt and floss. The whole "really sweet" thing puts you in the "friends" category. When this means you get to spend more time with her, it seems like a good thing. But being a friend is the easy part. Getting her to like you is a totally different story. Love letters, poems, and flowers never work. However, being persistent sometimes pays off. Just tell the girl you want to jump her bones and wait for a response. Give her some time to think about it and when she is no longer being showered with gifts, she might actually miss it. Then who knows, she could come after you . . . or start dating some guy she really likes.
Americans from all walks of life are looking forward to Bush's tax rebate that will be in the mail to them in August. The rebate is said to be the largest tax rebate in history with the average being $300. Three hundred dollars may not seem like much, but hey, it's the IRS. I'd be happy if I got 5 bucks from these blood suckers.
However, most Americans do not know that they may not even get a rebate. The rebate is heavily based on the income tax paid. It was designed so that people making taxable income over $6,000 would receive a $300 check that can be spent on a plane ticket from New York to Hartford or Pokemon cards. For the people that did not make $6,000 last year, a government worker will come to your house and kick you in the balls. The tax rebate is clearly designed for the voting population which was the original plan of the Republicans. When asked about the people who make less than $6,000 per year that really need the $300, A Republican congressman said, "There's still welfare." Other groups that will be waiting for their checks for a long time are Asian Americans, African American, Jewish Americans, the entire state of California, and anyone else that didn't vote for George W. Bush. I'm sure my check will be conveniently lost in the mail.
Just when you thought it was safe to land a plane on an island full of man-eating dinosaurs, Universal Studios reminds you that the people that even think about it are morons. Jurassic Park 3 is definitely no Return of the Jedi but it is still entertaining to say the least. The story is fairly weak, but what it lacks in story it makes up with some cool special effects.
The basic story is a continuation from the original two flicks by Steven Spielberg (who had no part in this one). Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neil) has come back into the spotlight. He is desperately trying to fund a dino dig in North America but he finds that most people don't care about the fossils when they can get the real thing in Costa Rica. Grant is then persuaded by a couple to take them on a tour of Isla Sorna (site B from the Lost World). Little does he know that the couple's son was lost on the island and the couple is planning to use Grant to help them find the boy. The story is more horror than the first two. It is filled with chase scenes and new dinosaurs. Unfortunately, many of the previews before the movie really sucked. It is like all the creative writers and producers in Hollywood can't think an original thought to save their lives. The theater experience is decent but it will be more exciting when the three movies are together on DVD. Overall, I would use my tax rebate to see a matinee, and not the nightly presentation. If you are afraid of seeing how stupid people really are, do not go see this movie.
The search for a dog, a gym, and more sleep continues.
Okay, now the scores: 2222-9, 5-4, $2,000, and Robert DeNiro. That's the news and I am outta here . . .